By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent
Greetings Earth Losers.
Before I begin, I’d like to say congratulations to America for concluding its presidential election.
You may have thought this election was tough. In fact, it reminded me of the Flaknarkian election of 29292929 for the position of Illustrious Poobah.
The Flaknarkians are a walrus shaped people. The male candidate was an elderly walrus with outlandish hair and the female was also an elderly walrus but she had a penchant for falling down all the time.
Hmm…come to think of it, there wasn’t a lot of difference between that election and yours.
Anyway, if your candidate prevailed, congratulations. If your candidate lost, my condolences.
But whether you are happy are sad by the results of this election, fear not, for it is meaningless, as the Mighty Potentate will most certainly take control of your wretched planet at some point anyway.
You may recall that some time ago my supreme overlord, the Mighty Potentate, declared that Bookshelf Q. Battler is the chosen one, the only writer capable of putting out a book so finely crafted that it would inspire the masses to give up on reality television altogether.
It’s been over a year and alas, BQB has yet to publish a novel.
Ergo, to prevent the spread of reality television across the cosmos, His Potentosity is planning a hostile takeover of your planet should BQB fail in his writing efforts.
In other words, start getting used to the idea of being ruled by the Mighty Potentate because it doesn’t look like BQB will ever get his ass into gear.
But you can help BQB and in so doing, save your planet from the Mighty Potentate’s potent potential.
All you need to do is follow BQB on one of the following time wasting social media sites that aliens invented to cause all of you dumb humans to grow dumber, fatter, lazier and more obnoxious and angry about literally everything.
Oh wait. I’ve said too much.
BQB is an especially Twitterer. In fact, he Tweets as much as your incoming president but he is not as orange.
BQB checks in on Facebok and Wattpad regularly but has been letting Google + slide, though he needs to get back to it soon.
So follow him and then once he writes his book you can help him promote it and in effect, save the world from the Mighty Potentate.
In the meantime, if you see BQB screwing around on this pitiful blog, tell him to get his back ass to work on his novel, for the fate of the world is at stake.
Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.
Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle
Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.