Tag Archives: election

Ask the Alien – Help Bookshelf Q. Battler Save the World – 11/12/16

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

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Greetings Earth Losers.

Before I begin, I’d like to say congratulations to America for concluding its presidential election.

You may have thought this election was tough. In fact, it reminded me of the Flaknarkian election of 29292929 for the position of Illustrious Poobah.

The Flaknarkians are a walrus shaped people.  The male candidate was an elderly walrus with outlandish hair and the female was also an elderly walrus but she had a penchant for falling down all the time.

Hmm…come to think of it, there wasn’t a lot of difference between that election and yours.

Anyway, if your candidate prevailed, congratulations. If your candidate lost, my condolences.

But whether you are happy are sad by the results of this election, fear not, for it is meaningless, as the Mighty Potentate will most certainly take control of your wretched planet at some point anyway.

You may recall that some time ago my supreme overlord, the Mighty Potentate, declared that Bookshelf Q. Battler is the chosen one, the only writer capable of putting out a book so finely crafted that it would inspire the masses to give up on reality television altogether.

It’s been over a year and alas, BQB has yet to publish a novel.

Ergo, to prevent the spread of reality television across the cosmos, His Potentosity is planning a hostile takeover of your planet should BQB fail in his writing efforts.

In other words, start getting used to the idea of being ruled by the Mighty Potentate because it doesn’t look like BQB will ever get his ass into gear.

But you can help BQB and in so doing, save your planet from the Mighty Potentate’s potent potential.

All you need to do is follow BQB on one of the following time wasting social media sites that aliens invented to cause all of you dumb humans to grow dumber, fatter, lazier and more obnoxious and angry about literally everything.

Oh wait. I’ve said too much.

BQB on Twitter

BQB on Facebook

BQB on Wattpad

BQB on Google Plus

BQB is an especially Twitterer.  In fact, he Tweets as much as your incoming president but he is not as orange.

BQB checks in on Facebok and Wattpad regularly but has been letting Google + slide, though he needs to get back to it soon.

So follow him and then once he writes his book you can help him promote it and in effect, save the world from the Mighty Potentate.

In the meantime, if you see BQB screwing around on this pitiful blog, tell him to get his back ass to work on his novel, for the fate of the world is at stake.

Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.

Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.

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How Trump Won With Social Media

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

So my usual disclaimer. I’m not going to talk politics or the pros and cons of one side or the other.

This is a nerd blog for nerd things so I want to talk about social media.

I figured a year ago Trump would win based on one thing:

He had way more Facebook likes and Twitter followers than Hillary.

Really. That’s it.

I don’t remember what it was a year ago but his Facebook and Twitter followers were more than hers and as of today he’s got roughly 4 million more Facebook likes than she does (not an exact figure, I am too lazy to do the exact math but it is close.)

I don’t have Mitt Romney and Barack Obama’s figures from 2012 but I’m willing to bet Barack had more than Mitt.

And I believe this is a sign for all political watchers and armchair quarterbacks to consider:

He or she who has the most follows and likes on social media will win.

Yup. That’s how we will one day end up with President Kardashian.

But I digress.

3.5 READERS: Oh but BQB is the number of social media followers a good way to decide an election?

On the face of it, no, but the social media numbers don’t decide the election. They are an early warning sign that the public digs one candidate more than the other.

Think about it.

Social media starts out as a good idea.  You can talk to like your 5 closest friends and family members that you actually want to hear from.

But then to be polite you have to add your third cousin twice removed, your long lost uncle, your pet hamster’s geography teacher’s sister’s yoga instructor.

Before you know it, your Facebook feed is filled with the rantings of tons of asshats saying things you don’t want to hear.

No pet hamster’s geography teacher’s sister’s yoga instructor! I do not give a shit what you ate for lunch today!

Your Facebook feed is valuable virtual real estate in your eyes and you give it away only if you have to.

Ergo, if you really dig a candidate, you’ll click that like so you can get brainwashed by your favorite candidate.

This isn’t a perfect science. I’m not saying someone with less followers will never win but I think that yeah, it does make a win less likely because the candidate with more followers is getting his/her message out to more people.

2008. 2012. 2016.  These are the only three presidential elections where social media was a thing. And in each election (though I’m just guessing via McCain vs. Obama and Romney vs. Obama but I believe I’m right) the person with the most follows and likes won.

That’s my theory.  Don’t get bogged down into the politics. Just talk about the social media science of it all.

Because as I always say, it doesn’t matter what side of the political aisle you are on, the really important thing is that you all love me and you all come together and buy the books I have yet to write if I ever get around to writing and publishing them.

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East Randomtown Election Results 2016 – Smotchenbocker Pulls Off Massive Upset!

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EAST RANDOMTOWN – In a startling upset, Acting Mayor Bookshelf Q. Battler has lost his bid for election to a full term.

“Oh thank God,” Acting Mayor Battler said. “I so did not want to do this anymore. It took so much time away from the task I enjoy the most – blogging for the joy of 3.5 readers.”

Mr. Battler was made Acting Mayor during the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, during which the previous mayor and a previous acting mayor were devoured by zombies.

Surprisingly, Mr. Battler’s opponent, Leo McKoy, famous in town because he alleges that in the 1990s he delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, also lost the race.

“What a load of crap,” candidate McKoy said during his interview as Random Bar, East Randomtown’s most popular drinking establishment. “Good job, suck town. You all really screwed the pooch by not voting for yours truly.  Barkeep, another shot.”

It was a very heated campaign.  Mr. Battler alleged that Mr. McKoy was not the actual McKoy but was, in fact, a robot and that the real McKoy was devoured by zombies last year.”

“He’s definitely not the real McKoy,” Mr. Battler said. “Huh. That’s catchy. Kind of wish I’d thought of it before the election ended. Oh well.”

In contrast to Mr. Battler’s allegations, Mr. McKoy claimed that Mr. Battler’s blog sucked donkey butt and that it should be banned because it has caused aliens, zombies, the yeti and other assorted rabble to invade the town.

“Bookshelf Q. Battler is the worst thing to happen to East Randomtown since we parted ways with West Randomtown,” Mr. McKoy said.

Meanwhile, the international fuzzy war criminal known simply as, “The Yeti” won a total of 50 write-in votes.

“GRRR!” The Yeti said. “I should run everything and also eat everyone because they are delicious!”

Shocking all the experts was Harvey Smotchenbocker, who won the race with a write-in campaign of his own. In fact, Mr. Smotchenbocker beat Mr. Battler by two votes.

“I forgot to vote and my dear sweet soulmate Video Game Rack Fighter was too busy playing Car Thief Mayhem to make it to the polls,” Mr. Battler explained. “In fact, she’s been playing the same game for twenty-eight hours with no sleep.  What a trooper.”

Mr. Battler’s 3.5 readers may remember May0r-Elect Smotchenbocker as the Olympian who represented the United States and East Randomtown in the Rio Olympic Games this summer in the 10K Flatulence competition.

“I enjoyed my time on the professional flatulence circuit, but flatulence is a young man’s game,” Mr. Smotchenbocker said. “It’s time for me to hang up my ass and give back to this town that has given me so little even though I am a class act and I pretend like it has given me so much anyway.”

Asked for his agenda, Mr. Smotchenbocker said he would focus on such initiatives as preserving the environment, clean drinking water, law and order, promoting business and economic opportunities, improving the quality of education and investing in infrastructure.

Mr. Battler and Mr. McKoy, bitter rivals to the end, were united in their disgust of Mayor-Elect Smotchenbocker’s agenda.

“So he’s not going to start a potato bar and build a statue of me delivering a sandwich to James Van Der Beek?” McKoy asked.  “Rigged!”

“I agree,” Mr. Battler said. “Smotchenbocker hasn’t even addressed all the leftover zombie carcasses that continue to litter the town.”

When questioned on whether he would support the banishment of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, Mr. Smotchenbocker replied, “I’ve never heard of it. Does anyone read it?”

In other news, Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent Uncle Hardass lost his bid for the presidency to New York Real Estate Mogul/Hair Model Donald J. Trump.

“I concede nothing!” Uncle Hardass said. “I will continue my effort to help Americans find jobs by nagging them incessantly until they find employment just so I will stop yelling at them.”

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Election Night 2016

Reporting live from East Randomtown, 3.5 readers.

Results thus far:

Uncle Hardass is expected to defeat Trump and Clinton in the surprise upset of the year.

The East Randomtown Mayor’s Race is too close to call but I will keep you updated.

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Give Each Other a Hug

Dear 3.5 readers,

This long campaign has come to an end.

Go vote, then give someone who voted other than the way you voted a hug.

If you’re a Republican, hug a Democrat.

If you’re a Democrat, hug a Republican.

If you’re a Gary Johnson supporter, finish your weed then hug a Republican and a Democrat.

Everyone hug…but obviously in these difficult times, be sure to get the huggee’s written notarized signed in triplicate permission before you do the hugging.

Never lose sight of what is truly important – helping me in any way you can to make this blog go viral so that I can get super rich and fill BQB HQ with lots of supermodels.

Oh and also democracy. Gotta love democracy.

(Supermodels!)

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Douglas Adams Quote on Elections

Hey 3.5 readers.

I’ve written about this quote before but since Election Day is tomorrow, it made me think of it again.

I love Douglas Adams. With his Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and subsequent sequels, he is one of the great humorists.

Funny, if you read The Hitchhiker’s Guide, he also more or less predicted the invention of the iPad as the guide itself was this great computerized technological book.

What Douglas Adams says about elections and politicians in The Restaurant at the End of the Universe:

“The major problem—one of the major problems, for there are several—one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.

To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.

To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

Accurate? Not accurate?

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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OP-ED – I’m Still Convinced that Leo McKoy is a Robot and Also Lying About Delivering a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

By: Bookshelf Q. Battler, Acting Mayor of East Randomtown and Mayoral Candidate

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3.5 readers, when the position for East Randomtown Mayor came up for election, I stood up, took a bold stand and said, “Ugh. Well, if there isn’t anyone who isn’t an asshole running then I guess I have to run even though it is a total inconvenience for me and is also as waste of time since everyone in this town is a big dumb dummy dumb face and no one will listen to me and everyone will just do whatever they want anyway.”

That’s the kind of decisive leadership this town needs and that’s the kind of leadership I can provide.

Sure, I  could brag all day about having a blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers, but I’d rather point out two things as this election season draws to a close.

First, whoever is running is not the real Leo McKoy. I saw Leo McKoy get eaten by zombies.  So whoever this is, it must be a robot designed to look like Leo McKoy designed for the sole purpose of some sinister genius to gain control of East Randomtown.

Why would an evil genius do that? I have no idea. East Randomtown really sucks and it isn’t like controlling this garbage dump of a town provides anyone with any strategic advantage, so your guess is as good as mine, but at any rate, there is, as my spirit guide Shakespeare would say, “something rotten in the state of Denmark.”

Second, we only have Leo McKoy’s word that he delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.  Sure, if he did deliver that sandwich then that makes him one of, and perhaps the most important, famous, successful and influential people this town has ever produced, because as you know, the standard to be considered a great person in this town is very, very, extremely very low.

But we only have Leo’s word.  Do you think a highly successful James Van Der Beek would bother stepping foot in East Randomtown?

I don’t think so.

People, your only chance for this town to not get sucked into a giant pit of suck (as my motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio would say) is to vote for me, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Or don’t. Honestly, if I lose I’d get more free time that I could use to attract more readers to my blog.  Perhaps I could get as many as 17.9 people reading this thing and then I’d be in the big leagues.

So vote for me but if you don’t its cool because at least I can say I tried.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT IF YOU DON’T VOTE FOR BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER THEN YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF BIG DUMB DUMMY DUMB FACE AND THERE ISN’T MUCH MORE BQB CAN DO OR SAY IF YOU’RE ALL HELLBENT ON BEING THAT DUMB.

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Things that Really Frost My Ass – Uncle Hardass Continues to Run for President

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E Pluribus Hardass

Hello degenerate 3.5 readers.

We meet again and I see you’re all still working on those writing careers.

In fact my incompetent nephew Bookshelf Q. Battler just informed me that November is “National Novel Writing Month” or “NaNoWriMo.”

You know what I call it? “LosersFindAnotherWayToNotWorkMo.”

Get a job, 3.5 readers. You people are an embarrassment to all 7 of your parents.

Moving on, the big presidential election is Tuesday, November 8.

You all laughed at me when I announced my bid earlier this year.

But now after you got to know the two frontrunners, suddenly old Uncle Hardass doesn’t seem like such a bad option, does he?

Sure, I’m old and I’ve never worked anywhere but the Salt Mines (which you should apply to) but I’ve never grabbed anyone by the pussy, that’s for damn sure.

Not only is that rude but it is also highly unsanitary.  I’ll have you know my ex-wife, BQB’s Aunt Gertie, tried to get me touch her there all throughout our many years of marital bliss and my response was always, “No dice!  Do you have any idea how many germs are on that thing?!”

Also, I’ve never had an e-mail scandal because I don’t e-mail, or use phones.  Whenever I want someone to know something, I just should at them very loudly and wherever they are in the world, they hear it.  I call it Uncle Hardass mail.

I don’t write crazy tweets because I think anyone who uses social media is an asshole, and that goes double for my lazy nephew, who you should not follow on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

Seriously. Don’t follow him. You’ll just encourage him to keep this useless blog going and then he’ll never get a job at the salt mines.

Where was I?  Oh right. Comparing myself to the candidates. Also, I don’t engage in pay for play or take big donations in exchange for favors.

That’s not because I don’t want the money but because I don’t do shit for anyone.

That’s right.  Whatever you want done, you should do it yourself.  Sure, I could do all your shit for you but then what would you learn? What would you get for it?

When I was a kid if I wanted a road I had to build a road.

If I wanted to go to school I had to build the school then teach myself.

If someone needed to be arrested I just arrested them.

If another country declared war, I had to fight the war single handed. I personally fought and won 29 wars all by myself and I’m damn proud of it.

So no, I’m not going to take your money to do a political favor for you.  You keep your money and you get off your lazy ass and do whatever it is that needs doing.

Oh. BQB’s meddling attorney just handed me an envelope. “This blog is in no way encouraging people to undertake any kinds of official actions that they do not have the authority to do.”

For crying out loud. Ban all the lawyers! That’ll be the first thing I’ll do when I’m elected and then after that I’ll take a nap for a year.

In summation, here are more reasons why you should vote for me, Uncle Hardass, this Tuesday, November 8.

  • I’m younger than both candidates.  You wouldn’t think so but both are very, very, very old.
  • I’m going to be championing a new jobs initiative entitled, “Jobs! You Should Get One, You Lazy Son of a Bitch.” No need to create any new laws or organizations or programs to get people jobs. I am just going to go on TV once a week and nag all of you unemployed people about how awful you are for not having jobs and then surely all those people will do anything to get a job rather than be around to listen to me on TV, because my speech will be on every channel.
  • I will forego all wars and challenge opposing world leaders to an arm wrestling match instead.  Before you scoff, just keep in mind it gets kind of lonely for an old man, so I’ve been known to keep myself busy by shaking hands with the old bishop, often for hours at a time because honestly, at this point its just like pulling taffy.  Like it sort of wants to do something but not really.

Thank you, degenerate lazy 3.5 readers.

In conclusion of my summation, your writing ambitions are a waste of time and utterly pointless and also do something useful for a change and vote for me, Uncle Hardass.

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POLL – Which Bookshelf Battle Blog Character Would You Like to See as President?

Official Poll.

Choose the BQB-a-verse character you’d like to see as America’s Chief Executive:

  • Bookshelf Q. Battler
  • Video Game Rack Fighter
  • Bookshelf Q. Battledog
  • Alien Jones
  • The Mighty Potentate (all hail the Mighty Potentate)
  • The Yeti
  • Vinny Baggadouchio, Host of Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio
  • Dr. Hugo Von Science
  • The Many Characters who Live on BQB’s Shelf
  • Uncle Hardass
  • Aunt Gertie
  • Nerdstradamus
  • Search Engine Optimized Poet
  • Professor Nannerpants

I’m sure I forgot someone but vote for your favorite in the comments.

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East Randomtown Mayor’s Race -Vote for Leo McKoy Because Bookshelf Q. Battler is an Epic Doucheface and His Dumb Blog Should Be Banned Because it Stinks

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Statesman. Barfly. Deliverer of Sandwiches to the Stars. Leo McKoy Needs Your Vote.

Bookshelf Q. Battler.

He thinks he’s a real great hero, what because he saved East Randomtown from a zombie apocalypse.

And sure, he has a WordPress blog with 3.5 readers.

Leo McKoy could pull rank and mention how he once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, the actor who played Dawson on Dawson’s Creek.

But Leo would rather talk about the issues.

FREE POTATO AND FIXINGS BAR

Leo McKoy has been saying it for years. “What? This town doesn’t have a free potato bar? When did I fall asleep and get transported to Communist Russia?”

That’s right. Because the Communist Russians do not have free potato bars because they hate freedom and also potatoes.

If Leo McKoy is elected, he will personally provide over a free potato bar in the town square every Monday or, if Monday is a holiday, then he will hold the potato bar on Tuesday because you shouldn’t expect him to give up his Monday holiday, you ingrates.

Bacon bits. Sour cream. Butter. Chives. Chili. Refried beans. Tabasco sauce. Ketchup. Mustard. Ninety-five different kinds of ice cream. Thousand island dressing. Ranch dressing. Honey mustard.

If you can put it on a potato, then your free town potato bar will have it.

East Randomtownians will never have to put shoes on their hands and gloves on their feet and walk around on their hands as if their hands were feet on Leo McKoy’s watch.

Leo McKoy was the only candidate to pledge that our dear townsfolk will never be subjugated to a law that requires them to wear shoes on their hands and use their hands as their feet and their feet as their hands.

That would be a ridiculous law and Leo McKoy does not care that such a method of walking is required by the town’s bylaws. McKoy will not rest until that bylaw is repealed and East Randomtownians are walking on their feet like honest, God fearing folk.

CATS WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO READ YOUR MINDS

That’s right. If you believe your cat is trying to read your mind, report said feline to Mayor McKoy and your cat will spend the rest of his or her nine lives in cat prison.

Also, Mayor McKoy will expend most of the town’s treasury on the construction of a cat prison.

WE WILL CREATE AN ALL MILF POLICE FORCE

East Randomtown’s police force will be staffed by a bevy of forty year old babes who have given birth yet still managed to keep their shit hella tight and defy gravity.

If you are going to do some shit that’s going to get you arrested, you’ll feel a lot better if you’re hauled in by a MILF.

NO ONE WILL BE ALLOWED TO QUESTION IF MAYOR MCKOY IS A ROBOT

Bookshelf Q. Battler lied when he said he saw McKoy get eaten by zombies. McKoy is not a robot and he is so certain the townsfolk trust him that he will make it illegal to have politicians checked for metal balls.

MONEY WILL NOT BE WASTED ON RIDICULOUS THINGS

A McKoy administration will tighten the town’s belt by doing the following:

  • The East Randomtown Library will be shuttered and bulldozed. No one has stepped foot in it since it was discovered that books steal your souls.
  • All subjects at East Randomtown High School will be cancelled and replaced with one catch all class entitled, “Keeping it Real.” Taught by Mayor McKoy himself, students will learn that math is bullshit, science is a load of crap and no one needs to know what how to read the Englishes good as long as they know how to keep it real.
  • The town dump will be closed. Residents will be encouraged to sweep trash under their beds.  You can always get more trash under your bed so stop complaining.
  • Roads will not be repaved. Everyone is too fat and will be required to walk everywhere. Seriously, people. Look at yourselves. Even Mayor McKoy wouldn’t make a pass at you, that’s how fat you all are.

A STATUTE OF JAMES AND LEO

That’s right. A solid gold statute will be built to memorialize the glorious time when Leo McKoy delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

BAN THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE BLOG

You know with all the zombie attacks, and the yeti always going on a tear, and the space aliens always parking their ships on our front lawns and probing people in unflattering places, life sure isn’t easy in East Randomtown.

But has anyone noticed that life got worse around the same time Bookshelf Q. Battler started his stupid blog?

BQB’s blog is a magnet that pulls every last supernatural asshole in the universe to our humble town.

Thus, when Leo McKoy is elected, he will shut down BQB’s entire operation.  All the weirdo monsters that keep descending on our town will get lost and BQB’s 3.5 readers will never be entertained again.

CONCLUSION

A lot of people talk about delivering a sandwich to a 1990s teen heart throb but Leo McKoy was the only man with the guts to actually do it.

Did you do it? No? Then shut your suck hole and be a man and vote for Leo McKoy, because he’ll stop BQB and his dumb blog from destroying our lousy ass town.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER IS A STUPID DOUCHEFACE WHOSE BLOG SHOULD BE SHUT DOWN SO VOTE FOR LEO MCKOY OR EVERYTHING BAD THAT HAPPENS IN THIS TOWN IS YOUR FAULT BECAUSE HE TRIED TO WARN YOU

 

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