Bookshelf Q. Battler.
He thinks he’s a real great hero, what because he saved East Randomtown from a zombie apocalypse.
And sure, he has a WordPress blog with 3.5 readers.
Leo McKoy could pull rank and mention how he once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, the actor who played Dawson on Dawson’s Creek.
But Leo would rather talk about the issues.
FREE POTATO AND FIXINGS BAR
Leo McKoy has been saying it for years. “What? This town doesn’t have a free potato bar? When did I fall asleep and get transported to Communist Russia?”
That’s right. Because the Communist Russians do not have free potato bars because they hate freedom and also potatoes.
If Leo McKoy is elected, he will personally provide over a free potato bar in the town square every Monday or, if Monday is a holiday, then he will hold the potato bar on Tuesday because you shouldn’t expect him to give up his Monday holiday, you ingrates.
Bacon bits. Sour cream. Butter. Chives. Chili. Refried beans. Tabasco sauce. Ketchup. Mustard. Ninety-five different kinds of ice cream. Thousand island dressing. Ranch dressing. Honey mustard.
If you can put it on a potato, then your free town potato bar will have it.
East Randomtownians will never have to put shoes on their hands and gloves on their feet and walk around on their hands as if their hands were feet on Leo McKoy’s watch.
Leo McKoy was the only candidate to pledge that our dear townsfolk will never be subjugated to a law that requires them to wear shoes on their hands and use their hands as their feet and their feet as their hands.
That would be a ridiculous law and Leo McKoy does not care that such a method of walking is required by the town’s bylaws. McKoy will not rest until that bylaw is repealed and East Randomtownians are walking on their feet like honest, God fearing folk.
CATS WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO READ YOUR MINDS
That’s right. If you believe your cat is trying to read your mind, report said feline to Mayor McKoy and your cat will spend the rest of his or her nine lives in cat prison.
Also, Mayor McKoy will expend most of the town’s treasury on the construction of a cat prison.
WE WILL CREATE AN ALL MILF POLICE FORCE
East Randomtown’s police force will be staffed by a bevy of forty year old babes who have given birth yet still managed to keep their shit hella tight and defy gravity.
If you are going to do some shit that’s going to get you arrested, you’ll feel a lot better if you’re hauled in by a MILF.
NO ONE WILL BE ALLOWED TO QUESTION IF MAYOR MCKOY IS A ROBOT
Bookshelf Q. Battler lied when he said he saw McKoy get eaten by zombies. McKoy is not a robot and he is so certain the townsfolk trust him that he will make it illegal to have politicians checked for metal balls.
MONEY WILL NOT BE WASTED ON RIDICULOUS THINGS
A McKoy administration will tighten the town’s belt by doing the following:
- The East Randomtown Library will be shuttered and bulldozed. No one has stepped foot in it since it was discovered that books steal your souls.
- All subjects at East Randomtown High School will be cancelled and replaced with one catch all class entitled, “Keeping it Real.” Taught by Mayor McKoy himself, students will learn that math is bullshit, science is a load of crap and no one needs to know what how to read the Englishes good as long as they know how to keep it real.
- The town dump will be closed. Residents will be encouraged to sweep trash under their beds. You can always get more trash under your bed so stop complaining.
- Roads will not be repaved. Everyone is too fat and will be required to walk everywhere. Seriously, people. Look at yourselves. Even Mayor McKoy wouldn’t make a pass at you, that’s how fat you all are.
A STATUTE OF JAMES AND LEO
That’s right. A solid gold statute will be built to memorialize the glorious time when Leo McKoy delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.
BAN THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE BLOG
You know with all the zombie attacks, and the yeti always going on a tear, and the space aliens always parking their ships on our front lawns and probing people in unflattering places, life sure isn’t easy in East Randomtown.
But has anyone noticed that life got worse around the same time Bookshelf Q. Battler started his stupid blog?
BQB’s blog is a magnet that pulls every last supernatural asshole in the universe to our humble town.
Thus, when Leo McKoy is elected, he will shut down BQB’s entire operation. All the weirdo monsters that keep descending on our town will get lost and BQB’s 3.5 readers will never be entertained again.
A lot of people talk about delivering a sandwich to a 1990s teen heart throb but Leo McKoy was the only man with the guts to actually do it.
Did you do it? No? Then shut your suck hole and be a man and vote for Leo McKoy, because he’ll stop BQB and his dumb blog from destroying our lousy ass town.
PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER IS A STUPID DOUCHEFACE WHOSE BLOG SHOULD BE SHUT DOWN SO VOTE FOR LEO MCKOY OR EVERYTHING BAD THAT HAPPENS IN THIS TOWN IS YOUR FAULT BECAUSE HE TRIED TO WARN YOU