Tag Archives: movie reviews

Dec 24 2016
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Movies

Movie Review – Passengers (2016)

J-Law!  Chris Pratt!  Chris Pratt’s gratuitous ass! (I swear it did nothing for me).

BQB here with a review of Passengers.

So, 3.5 readers, do you know how technology rarely works?

I mean, it works great for a little while but sooner or later it breaks down, develops a bug, has something go wrong with it and after you exhaust yourself with tech support and trying everything you can think of to fix it, you eventually pull your hair out and give up, resigning yourself to the fact that you’ll have to just live with a shitty piece of equipment until you can afford to buy a new one which…will eventually break down?

As it turns out, technology isn’t that much different in the future.  Unlike the sleek, always operational ships in Star Trek, the Homestead Corporation’s ship totally sucks.

Five-thousand passengers are suspended in hyper sleep for a hundred and twenty year trip to a new planet, Homestead II.

Unfortunately, technology sucks in the future just as it does now, as Jim Preston (Pratt) and Aurora Lane (Jennifer Lawrence) wake up way too early with ninety years left before they reach their new home world.

In other words, they’re stuck in a ship for life, with no way to fulfill their dreams, doomed to wander the craft’s metal halls, perpetually bored forever with all of their plans out the window.

I must admit, I didn’t expect much out of this film going into it so I was pleasantly surprised by its awesomeness.  Even though there are only two characters (four if you count Michael Sheen as Arthur the bartending Android and Laurence Fishburne as someone but I can’t tell you who yet), there are plenty of epic twists and turns as well as some fabulous special effects.

As I sat there watching it, I thought to myself, “Yeah!  My laptop, TV, and cell phone all worked for about five minutes after I took them out of the box so I could totally see my sleep pod malfunctioning and leaving me to live out my life on a ship!”

See?  Technology sucks, even in the future.

Hyper sleep has long been a staple of sci-fi space travel films.  Interstellar, for example, opened our eyes to the concept that theoretically, it would be possible for a space craft to make it out into deep space as long as there is a way to preserve the human travelers, otherwise they’d live out their lives and die in transit so what’s the point?

But this is the first film (that I know of) to utilize hyper sleep as a big plot device.  While there are moments of comedy as Pratt and J-Law plead for help from pre-programmed, bureaucratic robots who assure them that it is impossible for them to be awake, the film is also a drama, a love story, and a suspense thriller all rolled into one.

Faulty technology, incompetent tech support help and a corporation that doesn’t plan for things going wrong?  Yeah, this film may be set in the future, but it does feel like life in 2016.  Somehow, it seems more plausible than Star Trek.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Worth seeing on the big screen.  Excellent date movie.  Women, stop looking at Chris Pratt’s ass.  Chris Pratt, stop showing everyone your ass.  I bet no one even asked you to show it, you were all just like, “I’m gonna let my cheeks flap in the breeze!”

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Dec 18 2016
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Movies

I Feel Like the Parents Could Have Done a Better Job of Calling Someone to Help in Home Alone

 

Everyone I talk to about the movie is always like “Why didn’t the parents do this or that” but if you haven’t seen the film in a while, they do tie up a lot of loose ends:

  • The phone lines go out so the parents can’t call Kevin directly.
  • All the neighbors leave for the holidays so there aren’t any neighbors to call.
  • Obviously, the parents call the police, but the cops are parodied as incompetent donut munchers who aren’t helpful.
  • One wonders why they didn’t call the elderly neighbor that the kids think murdered his entire family.  I realize a person rumored to have murdered his entire family probably wouldn’t be your first choice to help your kid but one would think the McAllister parents would have been wiser than the kids and would have known that the old man is just a grumpy old man and not a murderer.
  • So if your local police department won’t help, wouldn’t the parents have called the state police, the FBI, or just keep calling law enforcement agencies until someone locates Kevin?
  • Is there no adult in the area they could have called?
  • What about the mayor’s office or the governor’s office or something?
  • Does Kevin go to school?  What about like calling the school and see if they’d talk to the police to do more?
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Dec 18 2016
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Movie Reviews

What was your favorite film of 2016?

3.5 readers, what was your favorite movie of 2016?  Have I reviewed it yet?

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Dec 17 2016
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Movies

Introducing the Shelfies – BQB’s Best Films of 2016

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I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler but for some reason, I review movies and rarely review books anymore.

Oh well.  We all have our idiosyncrasies.  Had I know what I was going to do on this blog when I started, would have called myself, “Moviescreen J. Watcher.”

But that would have been ridiculous.

In the spirit of, “Everybody Gets a Trophy Day,” I’m going to give every film I reviewed in 2016 an award of some sort, so enjoy.

 

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Dec 17 2016
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Movies

BQB’s Short Review of Star Wars: Rogue One (2016)

Hey 3.5 readers.

So, as a good nerd, I’ll wait a few days until you all get a chance to see it although honestly, if you wait past the first weekend then you are not a nerd.

My quick impression is that this movie is tight and legit.  A bit darker and grittier than we are used to seeing in Star Wars though still family friendly because, you know, Disney.

In my opinion, it’s better than the prequels and last year’s The Force Awakens.

I particular enjoyed the sassy android and Darth Vader, well, I won’t spoil it.

Damn it.  The baby boomers got the original movies.  Millennials get this fine film.  What did Generation X get?  Jar Jar Binks!  Generation X screwed again!

Seriously though, go see it on the big screen.  You won’t be disappointed.

May the force be with all 3.5 of you.

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Dec 14 2016
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Movies

Who Is Ready for Star Wars: Rogue One this Friday?

Hey 3.5 Scruffy Looking Nerf Herders.

Your old pal BQB Solo here.

Just an informal poll, who is looking forward to the new Star Wars movie this Friday?

As nerds, what needs to be in the film to make you happy?

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Dec 13 2016
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Movies

Top Ten Observations After Watching A Christmas Story (1983)

Hey 3.5 readers.

I’ve seen this movie a million times since childhood and happened to watch it again recently.  It’s funny how the older your get, the more things you notice.

Thus, without further ado, and I have to do this quick before the Yeti finds out, it’s my Top Ten Observations About A Christmas Story (1983).

#10 – Life is Hard

Yeah, obvious, but still, I notice this more as an adult than I did as a kid.  As a kid I just thought Ralphie’s father was an old grumpy bastard.  Now I know why he’s old and grumpy.  You work all day and then come home to a house where shit breaks every five minutes and you have to spend all your free time fixing it because if you can’t then you have to shell out some of that money you worked so hard for.  No wonder the old man swears so much.  Consarn it rabbin blast it!

#9 – Baby Boomers Love Cowboys

Cowboys to baby boomers are what Transformers/GI Joe were to Generation X and Avengers and Spongebob Squarepants and Complaining About Literally Everything were/are to Millennials. Ralphie was a little baby boomer kid.  He grew up watching cowboy movies.  He wants to get a Red Ryder BB gun so he can pretend to be a cowboy.  Shooting his eye out is not a concern, though it really should be.  Which brings us to…

#8 – Parents Coddle More

May be a good thing in some instances and not so good in other cases.  Honestly, I have no idea a parent could give a BB gun to a kid and not suddenly worry about, well yes, not just the kid shooting his eye out but also the ensuing hospital bills and having to take care of the kid when he is an adult because his employment prospects will be limited due to his one eye.  Also – lawsuits and shit in the event Ralphie shoots some other kid in the eye.  Back in the old days, Ralphie’s father could have just settled up with another injured kid’s father with either fisticuffs or cash on the barrel head but now the lawyers ruin everything.  Thanks lawyers.

#7 – Poor Flick

Flick gets his tongue stuck to the flag pole.  (Never lick a flag pole, especially during the winter, but seriously, there’s no reason for you to lick a flag pole at any time of the year, weirdo).

As soon as the firemen and cops get Flick unstuck, he immediately returns to class with a bandaged up tongue.

Today, the kid would be out of school at least a month in order to go on all the TV shows that would want to interview him on account of his story as the flag pole licker going viral on social media.  Surely a Kickstarter would be started to pay for his tongue repair bills.

He’d be branded for life as the flag pole licker but at least he’d get to host SNL or throw out the first pitch at a baseball game or something.

#6 – Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring

Do orphans even exist now?  Annie would be like “Little Foster Child Annie” or something.  But yes, I sympathize with Ralphie when he drinks a shit ton of Ovaltine just to win a decoder ring that allows him to decode a message that urges him to “drink more Ovaltine.”

In short, Madison Avenue has been hoodwinking kids with advertising gimmicks for years.

Also, Ovaltine isn’t bad.  You can still find it in stores.  It’s just chocolate milk mix with vitamins in it and shit.  Delicious.

#5 – Kids Choke Up When They See Santa

You see it in the Santa scene but it happens in real life too.  The kid waits and waits and waits in line to see Santa and then when he gets up there on Santa’s lap, he starts crying then chokes worse than the Cleveland Indians.

What?  Too soon?  My bad.

Kudos to Ralphie for at least having the guts to climb back up the slide and demand his Red Ryder.

#4 – Having a Sibling is a Pain in the Ass

In some ways, having a sibling is a good thing.  Your sibling is your introduction to the concept that the world doesn’t revolve around you and that someone will always be there to criticize you and complain about you and take shit from you no matter what you do.

Don’t like that your brother stole your toy, ate the last cookie, or changed the TV channel? Good luck when you grow up and your boss wants to downsize your department, your company wants to lay you off and your wife wants to see other people but still wants to keep seeing your bank account.

#3 – Bullies Are Also a Pain in the Ass

Scott Farkus is a dick.  And while he probably deserved a slap, he is just a kid himself and didn’t really deserve an epic beat down.  Ralphie lost his cool.  When he gets his senses back, he realizes he should have just walked away and feels bad.  Hooray.  Ralphie learns from his mistakes and won’t grow up to become a serial killer now that he knows right from wrong.

#2 – Siblings Stick By You

Yes, they are pains in the ass.  Yes, Randy laughs at Ralphie’s failures.  But, when the chips are down, Randy hides in the cupboard and cries because he is certain his dear brother will meet his demise when his father hears about the big fight.  That’s love.

#1 – Things Aren’t Always Bad As They Seem

Ralphie cries all afternoon, certain his father will go off on him when he learns about the fight.  Luckily, Ralphie’s mother knows just how to handle Ralphie’s father.  She mentions it in passing as if it is no big deal and as part of a whole series of subjects, then quickly switches the subject to a story about a football game in the paper.  Thus, she’s told her husband so he can’t complain about not knowing about it later.  However, the old man is tired and his mind can only handle so many subjects, so he sees his wife doesn’t seem to be too worried and Ralphie is still alive so he doesn’t care and returns to his paper.

Adults have too much adult shit to worry about, kids.

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Dec 12 2016
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Movies

Movie Trailer – Spiderman: Homecoming (2017)

Hey 3.5.

BQB here, still posting behind the Yeti’s back.  Shh!  Don’t tell him.

The trailer for Spiderman: Homecoming is out and it looks like the best Spiderman movie in awhile.

The first two Tobey Maguire movies in the early 2000s were great then they hit a wall with the third one.  Emo Spiderman.  Blah.

The most recent two were fine but didn’t really knock my socks off.

Here, it looks like they’ve come up with a great idea, setting Spiderman in the world of the Avengers and making Tony Stark his mentor.  It makes sense.  Tony is a scientist.  Peter is a wannabe scientist.

We don’t need need to see yet another origin story where Peter is bitten by the radioactive spider and he doesn’t stop the robber and the robber shoots Uncle Ben so from then on Spiderman pledges to never let anyone down again and so on.

We’ve got it.

Yet, while we don’t need an origin story, we do need an explanation as to what this current incarnation of a character is all about.  That’s why the latest DC movies have been struggling.

No, we don’t need another movie about young Bruce Wayne seeing his parents getting shot (shot parents/guardians create so many super heroes).

But yes, we could have used a movie to explain what this version of Batman is all about.

If you missed, SPOILER ALERT – in the latest Captain America film, we were given an introduction to Spider Man.  It was good.  It was all we needed.  Now we know what makes this current version of Spidey tick.  Now he can hit the ground running in his own movie without any need for devoting half the film to the spider bite and the Uncle Ben sadness.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Dec 10 2016
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Movies

Movie Review – Ip Man Movie Series (2008-Present)

Holy Crap, 3.5 readers.

Once in awhile a nerd blogger gets to discover something that is under the radar and share it with his 3.5 readers so that they too may take part in the joy.

And my new joy is…Ip Man!!!

Put on some loose clothing and start practicing your sweet kung fu moves, because BQB is here with a review of the Ip Man movie series.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER ALERT

I’ve seen this movie on Netflix for years and like many films, I just shrugged my shoulders and went, “Meh.”  Due to my lack of understanding of the Chinese language, I assumed “Ip Man” was some kind of superhero.  I thought the title was “IP man” as if he saves artists from the infringement of their intellectual property or something but no.  I was wrong.

I’ve long been a fan of martial arts movies so I finally got around to giving this one a try and wow.

These films are based on the life of Ip Man (in English his last name is Ip and his first name is Man) the legendary Master of Wing Chun Kung Fu.  Wing Chun, as I’ve learned through the power of Google, is a style that relies on defense and is especially effective in close quarter combat.  Also, it was invented by a woman, so there you go, ladies.

In reality, “Master Ip” is considered one of the great practitioners of Wing Chun, having done a great deal to promote it, including teaching it to his most well-known student, Bruce Lee.

The films are produced out of Hong Kong and have English subtitles, but otherwise they feature the special effects, moves and sound of any Hollywood blockbuster.  I’m no historian but I do assume some “liberties” are taken with the history of Master Ip’s life as he does things that no human could probably do but that’s ok.  Movies do that with historical figures all the time.

Ip Man 1 (2008) begins with a young Master Ip (Donnie Yen) who lives an affluent life in fo Shan, a place that is prosperous, allowing the residents to pursue martial arts in their spare time.

Alas, World War II breaks out and the Japanese attack and take over.  Master Ip and his family and friends are left to live lousy, destitute lives filled with hunger and fear.

People are so hungry that they are willing to take rice in exchange for becoming a Japanese general’s punching bags as he practices karate.  Master Ip gets his chance to avenge fo Shan, but must choose between practicality and letting the general win or honor and beating his ass.

In Ip Man 2 (2010), Master Ip and family move to Hong Kong, where the master opens up a Wing Chun school.  He scraps with local kung fu masters who feel he must prove his worthiness before joining them in opposing a Western British boxer who insults them and kills one of their beloved masters.

Finally, I haven’t seen Ip Man 3 (2015) yet.  Based on the above preview, Ip Man fights Mike Tyson.  I’m a little confused by that.  I assume Mike Tyson plays a historical character or something.  I don’t think Master Ip gets in a time machine to fight Mike in the present.

I’ll have to watch it and get back to you.  Often, kung fu films are high on action and low in plot, but the first two films break that trend.  So I’m hoping an awesome story that involves Mike Tyson is worked in.

Even if it isn’t, I could over look it as honestly, the Ip vs Mike scene does look pretty awesome.

Donnie Yen, the actor/martial artist who plays Master Ip deserves a lot of props.  In true kung fu style, he is stoic and focused, never looking for a fight but ending it once it starts.  He comes across as someone who is reflective and studied, who uses martial arts as a manner of being disciplined, but isn’t one to let atrocity go unchecked.

They’re great films.  The only thing I’d note is apparently a number of studios, seeing this series’ success, have created their own Ip Man films.  I haven’t seen them so they may be fine, but be sure to watch the Donnie Yen films first.

Donnie Yen really needs to come to America and kick some ass in Hollywood.  He’s got the moves and the fight scenes (which are not skimped on and come practically every few minutes) are brilliant, breathtaking and a fun spectacle to watch.  He does this thing where he gets his opponent locked down, then delivers a hail of rapid fire punches, something I’ve never seen in a movie before.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Available on Netflix.  My nerd style is far superior to your geek style.

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Dec 03 2016
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Movies

Movie Review – Casablanca (1942)

Here’s looking at you, 3.5 readers.

I watched Casablanca a year ago with the intention of reviewing it for this glorious blog.  I’d seen it before but my mind needed a refresher.  Alas, as Rick and Ilsa’s song reminds us, “time goes by” and writing a review of this masterpiece slipped my mind.

Luckily, seeing Allied gave me a refresher.

So without further ado, BQB here with a review of Casablanca.

Do I need to give a spoiler warning?  You’ve had over seventy years to watch this flick.

And if you haven’t watched it yet, you should, because it holds up.

(In all seriousness, this is a review for people who have seen and loved the film.  If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading, go watch it, then come back here.  Otherwise, you’ll be disappointed).

The set-up?  At one time, Morocco had been (owned, occupied, colonized, swiped, insert the word here) by France.  When Nazi forces swept into France in World War II, Frenchmen had to choose between surrender and fighting through underground guerrilla warfare (the French resistance).

Those who chose the former became known as the Vichy government.  Nazis officials flooded into France and backseat drove the French officials who opted not to fight.

To make matters more complicated, the situation extended into Morocco, where Nazis backseat drove the Vichy French officials there, sort of a double-occupation where French occupiers were being bossed around by their own German occupiers.

What a revolting development.

As explained in the film early on, Morocco was a den of thieves, villains, cut throats and spies.  Moreover, Europeans made a pilgrimage to the African city in the hopes of escaping the war by securing passage to Portugal (and then to other less dangerous places in the world like America).

Against this backdrop of sin and inequity, the hard drinking, clinically cynical American expatriate Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) runs a nightclub filled with all manner of depravity.  Rick’s got a seedy past that isn’t fully explained but you’re left with the impression that he isn’t exactly welcome in the States anymore.

When Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) left him waiting at a train station in France years earlier, Rick’s heart turned to stone and he swore from then on he’d live a life where he’d only look out for number one – i.e. himself.

But that resolution is tested when Ilsa enter’s Rick’s club.  “Of all the gin joints in all the world, why did she have to walk into mine?”

Without giving away too much of the story, Ilsa is now with Victor Laszlo (Paul Henried), a famed leader of the anti-Nazi movement.  Whereas Rick has long given up on idealism for quick bucks, Laszlo leaves and breathes French patriotism and is willing to die for it.

Blah, blah, blah, stuff happens and ultimately Rick must choose between seizing a love he thought was lost to him forever or sacrificing himself for the greater good of defeating the Nazis.

SPOILER ALERT – he chooses defeating the Nazis.  Surely, you knew this by now unless you have been living under a rock for years.

Even though you already know it, it is very emotional to watch.

In the end, the greater good wins out over love and it is up to the audience to decide whether or not that was the right outcome.

If you are an idealist, then you cheer Rick on as he allows Victor to take his seat on a Portugal bound plane.

If you are a cynic, then you think Rick is a schmuck for not grabbing his woman and not letting go, as a woman you love who loves you back is a rarity in this life.

But ultimately, if you are an idealist, you realize the people who need to be together, end up together.

Laszlo and Ilsa, we can only assume, go on to continue their anti-Nazi fight once Victor is away from the clutches of the villainous Major Strasser (Conrad Veidt).

As for Rick, his “beautiful friendship” with Captain Louis Renault (Claude Raines) begins.

Raines steals the show as Renault as he puts on full display the difficult situation many Frenchmen found themselves in during this time.  Louis is no fan of the Nazis, but he is a fan of breathing and having a job so like a henpecked husband he caters to his German masters, but does so in a comic manner.

Rick and Louis are foils that feed off one another.  Rick’s cynicism is dark and brooding whereas Louis’ cynicism is, at times, downright funny.  Louis realizes he is stuck in a ridiculous situation but with a deadpan tone that belies an undercurrent of sarcasm, he does what is required of him.

Example – when the Nazis order Louis to shut down Rick’s joint, Louis does so and declares, “I am shocked to find gambling in this establishment!”

Then with perfect comedic timing, a dealer hands Louis a stack of cash and says, “Your winnings, sir” to which Louis replies, “Thank you.”

That scene has served as a criticism of politicians and public officials who act “shocked” by lousy situations when in reality, they have long known of them.

Thus, the greater good wins.  Rick and Ilsa would have been happier together, but the world needed Victor and Ilsa to continue their resistance efforts, just as the world needed Rick and Louis, a couple of jaded, cynical connivers to get together and use their underhanded skills to undermine the Nazis at every turn.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Get out of your comfort zone and watch a black and white movie.  You’ll be glad you did.

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