By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Count Krakovich hates his fellow vampires. Stop by bookshelfbattle.com all October long for the count’s advice on how to defeat them.
Bleh!
As you have heard 3.5 readers, vampires despise garlic. One bite of the stinky stuff and we are done for.
Why does garlic hurt vampires?
Many reasons.
- Garlic has long been thought to have healing properties for humans. Ancient medicine men used it to treat all kinds of diseases and ailments. Hell, you can even buy garlic pills today. I have no idea if it is good for you or not, I’m a vampire, not a doctor. What I do know is as a general rule, if something is good for humans, it is bad for vampires.
- Long ago, people used garlic as mosquito repellant. It stinks, so mosquitos, the bloodsucking vampires of the insect world, buzz away from it.
- Bram Stroker mentioned its use to ward of vampires in Dracula.
Now, vampires aren’t fooled easy. Put it in a pizza or in some food to disguise it and they’ll sniff it out immediately and throw you out before you can get your garlic laden food all over them.
But – what if the garlic is inside you already?
Yes, 3.5 readers. That’s right. Before you meet a vampire, eat copious amounts of pizza, lasagna, pasta, and garlic bread – lots and lots of gooey, cheesy garlic bread.
Then when you visit a vampire, let it rip. You can launch a full on assault with a loud one or take out every vampire in the room with an SBD (silent but deadly.)
Personally, I recommend the SBD approach. Going full blast ruins the element of surprise.
Garlic farts, 3.5 readers. I’m telling you. They work.
And if you’re not one to take this smelly fight to the vampires, at least protect yourself.
Never go out at night without ingesting an entire garlic clove. True, your social life will suffer as you’ll be so smelly that no one will want to kiss you but at least you’ll be able to gas a marauding vampire at a moment’s notice.
Bookshelf Battle 