Ahh, the axe. That most important wood chopping tool. Good for cutting trees down to size.
Oh those pesky trees. They think they’re so smart.
Alas, every tool with a good use can be misused. People use forks to eat spaghetti…but they also use them to eat tuna noodle casserole. Bleh.
People use their remote controls to tune in to Game of Thrones...but in the earlier part of this decade, they also used them to tune in to Whitney. Double bleh.
The axe! Yes, when it comes to providing us with wood, it’s second only to Blake Lively in the buff. Punny!
But axes can also be abused. Why, for all we know, your girlfriend might be using to chop up people into itsy, bitsy, teeny, tiny pieces right now!
(NOTE: My lawyer advises me that statically speaking, it’s highly unlikely that she is. However, if you think she is, you shouldn’t confront her directly but rather, should take your concerns to the police.)
Yikes. Gotta cover your butt in this ridiculously litigious society.
Anyway, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be an Axe Murderer:
#10 – She Owns an Axe
That’s pretty suspicious. Unless she lives in Canada, where the trees grow tall and thick and people have to chop down twenty trees every day just to get to work, there’s really no reason for her to own one.
Is she a wood chopping enthusiast? Does she make a lot of fires in the fireplace? No? Hmm…not entirely conclusive but still, very curious.
#9 – You Wake Up Every Night to the Sound of Blood Curdling Screams Coming From Your Basement
Sure, those could be the last desperate cries for help from your axe murdering girlfriend’s many, many victims. However, it’s probably just her crying about what a terrible boyfriend you are. I mean, I don’t want to tell tales out of school, but I’ve heard that you really suck at boyfriendery. You should work on that.
#8 – There’s Blood on the Axe
Depends. Do you live on a farm? Maybe she just lopped off a chicken’s head so she can make you a delicious dinner. Oh, stop being so dramatic! Where do you think chicken nuggets come from? Do you think that Ronald McDonald magically pops those things into a cardboard box with some tasty dipping sauces with his magic clown wand?
No. We’re talking mass chicken murder here. Ronald McDonald and Colonel Sanders are like the Hitler and Stalin of chicken-dom.
But I can’t complain. They make tasty bird meat. Actually, KFC does. McDonalds, I’ll just eat those nuggets because they’re there and then I’ll wonder why I hate my body so much to do such a terrible thing to it.
At any rate, I wouldn’t just automatically assume that the blood on the axe is a human or has some kind of sinister origin. When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me, but mostly you, because I’m not the one dating an axe murderer, chief.
#7 – Screams, “I’m Going to Kill You!” On a Regular Basis
Maybe she means that she’s literally going to kill you with an axe but then again, what woman has never screamed this sentence at her man before? Let she who has not threatened murder of her significant other in jest cast the first stone.
#6 – She Named the Axe
Did she give the axe a name? Mr. Choppy, perhaps? Hmm…a sentimental attachment to a possible murder weapon. Suspicious…though inconclusive. Maybe she’s just weird.
#5 – Takes Selfies with the Axe
This could be a problem though axe or not, if she makes that stupid duck bill smoochie face in said selfies, I’d dump her anyway just on principle.
#4 – Sleeps with the Axe
Maybe she does this because she’s planning on axing you while you sleep. I recommend the following line of questioning:
YOU: Honey, you wouldn’t happen to be planning on chopping me to pieces in a gruesome manner with that axe, would you?
GIRLFRIEND: No, silly! Tee hee!
Although, do keep in mind, people who are able to chop up other people with axes are usually not above lying.
Tread lightly, as maybe there is a legitimate reason why she sleeps with an axe. Maybe when she was young, an axe murderer tried to axe her and now she sleeps with an axe in case she has to spring to her feet in the middle of the night and take on an axe murderer in a furious round of axe on axe combat. Bet you never thought of that, did you, you paranoid, insensitive prick?
Still…either way, might be best for you to sleep somewhere else. One wrong move in a bed with an axe in it and you could end up singing soprano. Mi mi mi mi mi!!!
#3 – She Has Told You That She is An Axe Murderer
Hmm, a rare axe murderer who has decided to be honest with you and invite you into her world of axe murdery. Or, maybe she told you in a moment of weakness and later she will realize that she must axe you in order to cover her axe tracks.
Ultimately, every person has their moral failings and it will be up to you to decide whether or not you can handle all of the horrendous moral implications of dating an axe murderer.
I mean, think about all of the ethical dilemmas you will face. Should you turn her in? If you don’t, you’re as guilty as she is because you could have stopped her victims from being axed by calling the cops yet you did nothing. Could you really be with someone so evil? How could you ever sleep knowing she might axe you?
On the flip side…does she have big boobs?
No! No! Stop it! You CANNOT stay with a lady axe murderer for any reason and not even if she has gigantic sweater cannons.
But seriously, motor boat those puppies on the way out the door, then go tell the cops.
#2 – There’s a Head in the Freezer
What kind of bullshit is this? Why would you stay with a woman that would put an axe chopped human head in a perfectly good freezer, right on top of all your frozen deep dish pizzas and Lean Cuisines?
You should leave her for getting blood all over your popsicles…oh and also, because she chopped off a dude’s head and stuck in the freezer. That goes without saying.
#1 – She’s Standing Over You Right Now…As You Are Reading this Fine Blog!
Whatever you do, DO NOT PANIC. Stay right there. Be cool. Don’t make any sudden moves.
Just listen carefully and I’ll tell you what you need to do. Very slowly, very carefully….reach for your computer…and then click on my website a hundred times because I could really use more hits on this excellent blog. My genius is going unrecognized, here.
Oh, and then run or something. I don’t know. What do I look like? An anti-axe murderer combat expert?
DISCLAIMER: Sure, this post was meant as a joke but axe murderer is no laughing matter, people. According to the Fake Institute for Bogus Statistics, 11,000 people are gruesomely axe murdered every three seconds.
Don’t go around being some wacko vigilante, accusing your girlfriend of being an axe murderer. But, if you think your girlfriend might be an axe murderer, then contact the nearest anti-axe murderer law enforcement agency. Ask them to send their best axe murderer catchers right away.