Category Archives: #31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaystoDefeatAVampire – Way #31 – Happy Halloween – Blogging for 31 Days

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

It’s time for me, your favorite asshat vampire, to channel that one hit wonder 1990s band Semisonic, 3.5 readers.

Here we go:

Closing time, bleh! One more call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer, bleh!

Closing time, bleh! You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here, bleh!

Just kidding. Stay here all you want. Click on lots of posts. It makes BQB feel like his life has meaning.

Bleh, I hate vampires because vampires have treated me badly just because my incompetence got seven or eight hundred of them killed and unlike Elsa, they do not let it go.

Vampires and your mother-in-law, both good at holding grudges, am I right, bleh?

To wrap this up – blogging. If you make a vampire blog for thirty-one days about thirty-one ways to defeat a vampire, he will end up exhausted, 3.5 readers. He really will, bleh.

I am defeated, bleh.

Thanks a lot, asshats. Hope you enjoyed it. Or do? I don’t care because I’m a douche-pire, bleh.

Happy Halloween. Eat lots of candy. Avoid the fun size candy bar scam, bleh.

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#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #30 – Fun Sized Candy Bars

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Don’t you hate it when you think you’re going to get a big ass candy bar but instead you get a teeny tiny candy bar instead?

“Oh it’s fun sized! This pathetic little candy bar is so much fun!”

Bleh, let me tell you, that is some Don Draper Madison Avenue Mad Men Peggy Olsen bullshit right there. “Fun Size” was invented so that candy companies could sell shit tons of candy during the Halloween season and while I haven’t done the math in my vampiric brain, I’m willing to bet that when you buy one of those bags of fun sized candy bars, they’re selling you less chocolate for more money.

Bleh! I’m so angry I’m bleh-ing all over the place. I’m too lazy to do the math. One of you nerds, go analyze the square footage of the average amount of chocolate in a bag of fun sized candy bars, compare it to an equal amount of regular, non-fun sized candy bar chocolate, then do a price comparison, carry the four, add the denominator, multiply times PI and then tell me if I’m full of vampire shit or if I’m onto something, bleh.

“Oh look at me, I have a regular big sized candy bar and it is so boring I wish I had a tiny candy bar then it would be fun.”

You know what’s worse? One of those assholes who can actually just eat one piece of fun sized candy. Because you know the rest of us whales are inhaling so many pieces of the fun sized candy that we’re probably eating the equivalent of a dozen regular, boring size candy bars.

And that’s how they get you! Because when the candy is small, then you shovel it in your stupid cake hole and then you eat all the candy even though you never would have eaten a dozen regular boring size candy bars in one sitting because if you did then you know you’d have a problem.

So on top of all that, you have to haul your fat chocolate stuffed ass back to the store and buy even more fun size candy because you don’t want to be that one assface in the neighborhood that everyone hates because you don’t have any candy to pass out on Halloween, bleh!

Bleh, just thinking about all this has me feeling defeated. I am a vampire and I have been defeated by candy, bleh.

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#31WaysToDefeatAVampire -Way #29 – Silverfish

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Yes, that’s right 3.5 readers. Anything that is somehow related to silver can defeat a vampire so if you live in a disgusting, bug infested apartment then congratulations! Vampires will go nowhere near it because they do not want to be accosted by silverfish.

Silverfish are truly the vampire hunters of the insect world, bleh.

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#31WaysToDefeatAVampire – Way #28 -The Walking Dead

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Have you been watching The Walking Dead this season, 3.5 readers?

It’s depressing as shit and if you show it to a vampire, he or she will be too depressed to bite you.

That’s it. Sorry, bleh.  When you’re getting 31 suggestions about how to defeat a vampire, they all can’t be winners.

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#31WaysToDefeatAVampire – Way #27 -Mirrors

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

It’s true, 3.5 readers.

Vampires do not cast a reflection.

Put a vampire in front of a mirror and he/she will not appear in said mirror.

Ergo, if you go look at your mirror and you do not see a vampire then look out!  That means there’s a damn vampire behind you!

Or is there?

Yes, you laugh but now you’ll always wonder if you’re not seeing someone in the mirror because there is no one there or because there’s a vampire behind you.

Muah ha ha! Muah ha ha! MUAH HA HA! I’ve ruined your mind!

Wait. What? You’d still be able to turn around in order to see if a vampire is in the room with you?

Bah. You figured it out. I’m such a douche-pire.

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#31WaysToDefeatAVampire – Way # 26 -Scarves

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

It’s pretty simple, 3.5 readers.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Don’t bring that bag of chips into your house and you won’t eat them.

Hide those cookies and you won’t shove them into your face hole.

And wear a scarf all year round, even in summer, and no vampires will be tempted to turn you into a snack.

Like most humans, we vampires have a tendency to binge and we often eat our feelings.

So don’t forget to hide your neck.

Oh and if scarves aren’t your thing, turtleneck sweaters work just as well.  Bleh!

 

 

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#31WaysToDefeataVampire Way #24 – Sunglasses

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Cool people wear shades.

If you’re cool, then vampires won’t bite you.

They’ll try to get you to turn voluntarily, but vampires rarely pick on cool people.

You may look uncool despite the shades but the shades will be enough of a speed bump to slow a vampire down and make them look elsewhere.

Bleh. Wear shades.

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#31WaysToDefeatAVampire – Way #21 – Beer

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Vampires are big time drunks.  We can’t hold our liquor.

Always keep some frosty brews in your fridge.

Toss a vampire a cold one and he’ll stop attacking you and instead he’ll just get drunk and plop down on your couch and have a sing-a-long with you.

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 20 Rachel Higginson – Zombified Romance

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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Zombies. Romance.

Romance. Zombies.

Is it possible for romance to blossom amidst a zombie apocalypse?

BQB talked to Rachel Higginson last year about this very topic.

Check out that interview here.

And don’t forget to check out Rachel’s Love and Decay series on Amazon.

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#31WaysToDefeatAVampire -Way #20 – Bunny Rabbits

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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They may look cute, small, furry and adorable but in reality, all bunny rabbits are ninjas.

Always keep a bunny rabbit in your house and he will protect you from vampires.

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