Hello.
Our noble blog host, Bookshelf Q. Battler, aka BQB
I’m World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies, and Assorted Cultural Happenings and Champion Yeti Fighter, Bookshelf Q. Battler.
You might know me from my blog, bookshelfbattle.com, a site read by as many as 3.5 readers. One of them is my aunt but let’s be honest, not every blogger can hold their extended relatives’ attention.
Hard to believe I know, but I wasn’t always an astoundingly impressive entertainer of 3.5 individuals.
Truth be told, I used to suck like a Hoovermatic attached to a diesel engine.
(I’m using the word ‘suck’ in the context of ‘not doing very well’ and not, you know, the other more derogatory meaning.)
Recently, there was a hashtag game on twitter (follow me @bookshelfbattle and join in the fun!) called, “My Regrettable Super Power.”
I put down that I have 20/20 hindsight.
And I really do.
BEHOLD, THE UNCANNY HINDSIGHT MAN! Able to see exactly what he SHOULD have done at the EXACT moment when it’s TOO LATE to do anything about it.
Millenials, put the phones down for a minute and let’s talk. No, ok put down the iPad too. OK then…hey, hey…the laptop? Yeah shut that off please.
Finally, now we can really have a dialogue and…look I’m not going to talk over the X-BOX just hit pause. And turn the TV off.
OK so back to what I was saying…Jesus Christ. Seriously? Are you seriously Netflixing Orphan Black on the toaster right now?
Why would the toaster company even put a screen in the toaster? Fine. Just keep it on low volume.
Millenials, you know how your mother told you to stay away from that guy Larry? You know, the one who doesn’t have a job, always bums money off you, and comes up with longwinded arguments as to why it’s really YOUR fault that he keeps sleeping with other women behind your back?
Yeah. Mom isn’t trying to ruin your life by chasing Larry away.
She’s speaking with a voice of experience. She remembers dating Raul, another guy who, like Larry, didn’t have a job, always bummed money off of her, and always explained to her why it was her fault that he slept around.
As POTUS would say, “Let me be clear.”
I’m not old. I’m just a bit older than you all.
But do you want to know why people age?
Because if we could take what we know now and apply it in young bodies, we’d damn well take over the friggin’ universe.
I’m not kidding either. That old man feeding the ducks that you walk by everyday? Sure he seems like a sweet old gent but give him a youth elixir and he will take his 80 or 90 years of knowledge gained about the world and use it to take everything over.
You never knew that did you? You know how in Jurassic Park all the dinosaurs were genetically engineered to be female to keep them from breeding?
God came up with shit like arthritis and glaucoma to keep your nana from becoming a god damn international warlord player pimp with all the information she’s learned through eight decades of the trial and error process that is life.
My Aunt Gertie would become an iron fisted dictator if she didn’t have to take a nap every twenty minutes.
Now, because I’m an exceptionally vain nerd, let me repeat. I’m not old. I’m not even middle aged.
But, I have collected a lot of knowledge, that while it’s too late for me to bank on, it’s not too late to help out folks who are just starting out in life and getting a handle on this whole adult thing.
Or is it ever too late? You know what, for you older folks, you might learn a thing or two as well.
Young or old, it doesn’t matter. I feel the really important thing to take away from this is that you should visit my site often and click on a lot of the buttons and shit so I can have a better case to explain to the publishing industry why I’m a total badass.
Did I say that? Scratch that. What’s important is that once in awhile, you check out “The Tao of Bookshelf” and see if there’s any advice that I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, can provide to help your life suck less.
Attorney Donnelly advises that there is no guarantee that taking BQB’s advice can make your life suck less. If anything, it might make your life suck more. You know what? Don’t listen to anything he says. Please don’t sue him. He only has 3.5 dollars.
Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license. Thank God shutterstock had pictures of BQB and Aunt Gertie available.
Bookshelf Battle 