Tag Archives: advice

Serenity Prayer

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.  Recovering alcoholics at AA use this prayer all the time though I think it’s ok if you aren’t an alcoholic and want to use it anyway.

As I get older, I find myself having to, not necessarily say this prayer but remind myself of the concept.

There are mistakes I made that are in the past.  I can’t fix them.  I can learn from them, but I can’t reach back and make it so they didn’t happen.

Time has passed on and unfortunately, certain doors of opportunity have shut to me.  Had I spent more time knocking on them in the past, they might have opened.  Now I must realize that knocking on certain doors will only give me a sore first.

The problem is we have two competing forces in our brains.  Ask someone for advice and they’ll tell you 1) Stop dwelling on the past and 2) Work on achieving what you want in the future.

The problem is these, in the abstract, don’t seem like opposing ideas but they are.

For example, if you flubbed things up with an ex, then that’s over.  It’s done.  It’s in the past.  And yet, it’s also positive to want someone new yet you have to accept they won’t be what your ex was.

Maybe you want that big job but have to realize you’re a certain age.  You didn’t strike while the iron was hot.  Didn’t get the right degree or meet the right people or the right skills or what have you.  Maybe it’s not too late to try but then again, you might be at an age where you’re more likely to find success just doing what you’re doing now and making it better the best you can.

Younger you are, the better life is.  When you’re ten, it’s not entirely impossible that you might become an actor or an NBA star or a singer or the president.  By 20, most of these are gone, 30 and 40, well, are they hiring Wal-Mart greeters?  Alas, the older you get, the more life takes away.

I’m at a point where I have to forgive and forget.  Crazy, because as I look back, I’m able to tell my young self exactly what he should do at every step of the way.  That’s probably not so much wisdom as it is hindsight.  He didn’t know what to do so he did something.  I’m living with the results.  I know how it worked out.  I can’t pick up a time phone and tell him to try something different.  If I did, I don’t know how that would have worked out either.

So, that’s basically it.  What’s over and done and what can be changed for the better seem like two oppose forces yet they really do collide.  We’ll torture ourselves if we keep trying to undo that which can’t be undone.  We’ll make our situations worse if we don’t fixing things that can still be fixed.

We don’t want to call the game too early when there’s still points that technically could be scored.  We don’t want to miss the after game nacho dip due to an unlikely hope that a kicker might score a goal with one last second on the clock.

Sorry if my sports metaphors aren’t working.  It’s too late for me to join the NFL, after all, and that is actually one thing I’m certain I can’t change.

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Why Didn’t Sears Become Amazon First? (Lack of Foresight and Applying This to You or How Sears Got Its Milkshake Drank)

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Sears got its milkshake drank.  Will yours be next?

Ahh, Sears.  Back in the day, no trip to the mall was complete without a trip to this anchor store and let me tell you, my Aunt Gertie used to get Sears catalogs in the mail all the time.

They were big ass tomes the size of 10 bibles that weighed at least 10 pounds and oh, as a kid I’d turn through the pages and dream.  I want that toy, I want that toy, and oh my, why do these bra models give me a tingly feeling?

Jeez.  I think I might have a few of those catalogs lying around.  I wonder if they’re worth anything.  I’d go fap to the bra models but I won’t out of respect, given that all those models are probably either dead or super old and in nursing homes now.  Sigh.  Oh time, you cruel bitch, you.

For the uninitiated, Mr. Sears, way back in the 1800s was the first businessman to realize that since there were parts of America that didn’t have any stores, he could make bank by sending out catalogs and taking orders for goods by mail.  As the years went on, Sears stores became the pinnacle of every mall and as credit cards came into style, they dominated the catalog sales market.  Shit, Aunt Gertie ordered all my clothes as a kid from Sears.  You think that was why I was so unpopular?  Oh well.  Water under the bridge.

So, I guess I don’t get it.  The Internet came into great popularity in the 1990s and Jeff Bezos, blessed be his most revered name (and I’m not just saying that because he has the power to snuff out my self-publishing dreams) saw the potential of the Internet to sell stuff.

Wal-Mart saw the potential too and though I don’t believe it has reached Amazon lengths, it does a brisk online sales business.

JC Penney, Sears’ longtime rival in the box store/catalog game has kept afloat by doing online sales as well.

So, to repeat, I don’t get it.  Sears basically invented the whole concept of taking pictures of products, organizing them into catalogs and giving them descriptions, product numbers, listing the prices, making it easy for people to call on the phone, read off the products they wanted to an operator who took their order, credit card number and address and they even mastered how to complete orders through the mail.

Why didn’t anyone at Sears have the vision, the foresight to say, “Hey, I think this Internet thing is here to stay and we should take our catalog…and hold on…think about it here…put it online!”

Now, I don’t know.  I believe they did.  To what extent I couldn’t tell you.  Perhaps it wasn’t so much the lack of putting it online so much as getting you anything you want the way Amazon can.  I mean, there are so many times when I think something like, “I would like a can of farts excreted by an East Peruvian Water Buffalo in July” and then go to Amazon and do a search and get, “Here are twenty choices for farts excreted by East Peruvian Water Buffalos in July.”

I don’t know.  I’m not sure what Sears’ downfall was.  Either they didn’t get into online sales early enough, or maybe they didn’t make online shopping as cool as Amazon did.  Maybe they didn’t think of nifty little ways to grab your cash the way Amazon does.  Shit, Amazon thinks of new ways to get your money all the time.  You can get a little button to stick in your kitchen and push it when you’re out of toilet paper, chips, insert household staple here and they will put it on your tab and send it to you.  You can get Alexa and say, “Hey Alexa order me a can of East Peruvian Water Buffalo Farts” and she’ll order it for you.  Maybe it was that.  Maybe Sears just didn’t think of enough ways to be cool.

I know Blockbuster could have gotten into the streaming game earlier and could still be around in an online form today.  Borders could have embraced e-books earlier and still be in the fight today.

So, let’s apply this to you (because I never apply good lessons to me, I just continue to do the same dumb things and let them blow up in my face over and over again and never learn anything like Wile E. Coyote.)

What is something that you could begin doing today that will be hard, will require hard work and sacrifice, will unlikely yield results in the short term, but in 5 years, you’ll be glad you did it?

I bet the people in charge of Sears wish that 5 years ago, they might have made their website cooler.  Maybe they might have gotten more exclusive product deals available only on their site.  Maybe they could have come up with a little robot that sits on your desk and speaks in a British accent, like your robot butler who says, “Pip, pip, cheerio, you want me to order you some more raisin bran, fuck face?”  I don’t know.  All I know is they didn’t do it, and now much like in that film, There Will Be Blood, Bezos is drinking Sears’ milkshake.  “I drink your milkshake!  I drink it up!!”

Back to the point.  Maybe you’re a fat fuck.  Maybe in five years you’d like to be a skinny fuck so you can run, jump, hop, skip, do fun activities and if you’re looking good you might just score yourself some bomb ass pussy (or ladies, you might acquire some bomb ass peen.)

Maybe you’re having financial woes.  Maybe if you start a plan of cutting spending and perhaps get a little side gig or a part time job, you’ll get those debts tackled in five years.

Shit.  Take some piano lessons today and maybe you’ll be tickling the ivories in a concert hall in five years.

Hell, I spent the last two years writing a book about an alligator that eats people on the toilet.   I hope to have it self-published next year.  When I’m swimming in mad cash and bomb ass pussy thanks to all the fame and fortune I get when this book about a toilet gator goes gangbusters, I’ll be glad I put the time in on this fine book.  I’ll be laughing at the other me in the alternate time line who will be a fucking loser because instead of writing a book about a toilet gator he did some weak ass shit like working extra hard on his cardio or volunteering to read to impoverished blind children or building hospitals in Ecuador or some shit.

Anyway, 3.5 readers.  The takeaway?  Right now, I know there is something you have wanted to happen for a long time.  You never did it, but you know in your heart if you put the work in, you’ll have it in five years.  Do you want to be like Sears?  Do you want to be the hollow shell, the desolate remains of a once thriving business that was the brain child of a wise 1800’s business tycoon?  Or, do you want to be like Supreme Overlord Bezos, violating the spent carcass of yet another fallen, wasted competitor over and over again?

If you don’t identify what you want and start acting on it today, then I guarantee you in five years, someone else will be getting it.  You’ll still be fat and some other skinny person will be partying with the bomb ass pussy or peen, whatever your preference.  Someone else will be playing the piano you were going to play.  Someone else will be enjoying a debt free life while you’ll be giving handjobs in bus station bathrooms just to pay off the minimum payment on your credit cards.  (You’ll be giving handjobs forever at that rate!)

The next five years will go by fast…in the blink of an eye.  You can drink some other schmuck’s milkshake, or you can get yours drunk up.  What’s it going to be?

(Note.  Let’s all return to this post in five years and trade notes on how this all worked out.)

ADDITIONAL NOTE: It dawns on me that not all 3.5 of you have seen There Will Be Blood and I don’t advise it, because once you see a man get beaten to death with a bowling pin by a man enjoying a brownie, you can’t unsee that shit.  Long story short, “I drink your milkshake!” comes from this scene where Daniel Day Lewis plays an oil baron who is bragging to a preacher about how he screwed him over in an oil deal.

So, to really motivate yourself, you need to a) picture what you want and then b) work on getting it for fear that in five years, if you don’t get what you want, Daniel Day Lewis will get what you wanted because he worked for it harder and he will ridicule you by laughing at you, telling you he got what you wanted because you’re a weak, pathetic loser and he was really strong and cunning and then he will beat the shit out of you with a bowling pin and eat a brownie.

If that doesn’t make you work hard on your goals then I don’t know what will.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Don’t Worry, Be Happy?

Hey 3.5 readers.

Do you think singer Bobby McFerrin was right when he advised the world, “Don’t worry, be happy?”

Sometimes I wonder if it is more appropriate to worry and also be unhappy.

Honestly, if you ain’t got no cash and ain’t got no style, ain’t got no girl to make you smile, then what the hell do you have to be happy about?

Discuss.

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Thar Advice Blows

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Hey 3.5 readers.

You might remember that in September of 2015, this blog was taken over by pirates who turned National Talk Like a Pirate Day into Talk Like a Pirate Week.  All week long, they posted about piracy.

Honestly, if you remember that, I’m worried about you.

Anyway, I’ve invited the pirates back for their very own advice column, because that makes sense.

Enjoy, mateys.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Arthur Schopenhauer on the Misery of Life

Hey 3.5 readers.

Gotta admit, I’m feeling the misery lately.  Actually, my alter ego, the Alleged Man is feeling it.  I’m a fictional character so I feel awesome all the time even after I battle the Yeti, zombies, aliens, chupacabras and werewolves.

Anyway…Arthur Schopenhauer was a curmudgeonly old German prick in the 1800s and the first Western philosopher to incorporate a serious study of Buddhism into his work.

I’m not expert but my general understanding of Buddhism is “We’re all fucked so be happy and don’t let it get you down” whereas Shopenhauer seemed more like, “We’re all fucked and only the sane people are down about it.”

Here’s what he said about “the misery of life:”

“In my 17th year, I was gripped by the misery of life, as Buddha had been in his youth when he saw sickness, old age, pain and death. The truth was that this world could not have been the work of an all loving Being, but rather that of a devil, who had brought creatures into existence in order to delight in their sufferings.”

What do you think, 3.5 readers?  Was the world created by an all loving being that gave us life to make us happy, or was it created by a devil who delights in giving us hope only to take it away?

I can tell you when I turned 30 I began to feel hope fade.  There seemed to be less time…it seemed like I was more locked into choices I’d made, even bad ones.  There was less time to fix mistakes.

Ironically, as I reach 40 (38 soon to be 39) I feel like I was a baby when I was 30.  There was more time to pull out a few fixes but instead I wasted a lot of time on depression and lamentation.

Sigh.  I bet when I turn 50 I’ll feel like I was a baby at 40.  At any rate, the older we get, the less hope we have.  To be 20 is to have an endless supply of options.  You can still believe you’ll be anything because it is still possible.  Now, not so much…and I’m not even getting into the effects aging has on your body, your looks, your ability to physically feel good and do what you want.

It’s pessimistic to be sure but old Artie has a point.  It is hard sometimes to not feel like this world wasn’t created by a devil who delights in watching us move from thinking the world is our oyster where anything is possible in our youth to middle and old age where we lose hope and begin to feel like the world is our prison and a lack of time limits us from fixing past mistakes and re-writing past wrongs.

What say you 3.5?

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Things that Really Frost My Ass – A Message to the Class of 2017 from Your Graduation Speaker, Uncle Hardass

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By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent

Dun da dun dun dun…ok, that’s enough.  Cut it.  Cut the music!  Everybody sit down and shut your filthy sewer holes!  I’m a busy man.  Time is money and you people are not worth my time.  Let’s get this bullshit dog and pony show that you all think is so important now but none of you will be able to remember a damn thing about it in twenty years over with.

Class of 2017, it’s your Grumpy Uncle Hardass, here with some words of wisdom that you won’t listen to because you all think you’re hot shits who know everything even though what you don’t know could fill that government warehouse in Indiana Jones where the Feds keep all of the mysterious shit they don’t want the world to know about.

Here is, in no particular order, the top five pieces of advice I have for you.  Take it or leave it.  If you don’t want to take it, it’s no sweat off of my wrinkly old sack, I’ll tell you that.

#1 – Get Jobs

Immediately.  Right now.  Seriously, why are you idiots standing around in the hot sun wearing heavy robes like a bunch of dumb asses.  You could have spent the time you’re spending today on patting each other on the back on making money.

Always make money, kids.  Always make money.  At all times.  No matter what you are doing.  Have a day job.  Have a night job.  Have side jobs to do when you can steal five minutes away from you day and night jobs.

Have a job while you are sleeping.  Don’t just sleep at home.  Sleep in a lab where scientists want to pay you to study you sleep patterns.

Don’t eat breakfast for free.  Get paid by a cereal company to eat their latest cereal, then fill out a report about what gastrointestinal distress it caused you.

Don’t shit for free.  There’s a scientist somewhere who wants to study your shit.

Are you having sex for free like a bunch of idiots?  Why, when the prostitution market has never been better.  Beer and hookers.  The two products that everyone will need, and even more so when the economy tanks.  When people are out of work, they get depressed…and they need hookers.

And I’m not just talking to the women.  Men, don’t be too proud to sell your bodies for cents on the dollar.  What, you think your old Uncle Hardass never engaged in unpleasant activities just to make ends meet?

Actually, go on thinking that.  I have a reputation to uphold.

#4 – Always Carry Rubbers

You are all very ugly and I can’t imagine anyone would ever want to see any of you naked.  Frankly, I feel like I’m going to be sick and you’re all covered from head to toe in long black gowns.

Even so, you never know when someone will take pity on one of you uggos and want to get freaky.  Do you want that to happen while you don’t have protection?  I think not.

Back in my day, the worst that would happen if you had unprotected sex is you’d get itchy until the doctor would shoot you up with penicillin.  Or worst case scenario, you get a kid that you can browbeat the shit out of until it grows up and gives up all of its dreams and joins you in working in the salt mines.

Today, there are exotic sex diseases that will turn your organs into liquefied shit.  I don’t care how ugly you are and how attractive your partner is.  Ain’t no one got time for that.

Honestly, you should control yourselves and wait for marriage but if you can’t control yourself, then be sure to bag it before you tag it.

#3 – Save Your Money

A fool and his money are soon parted.  However, a penny saved is a penny earned.  Put your pennies in a bank and your interest will grow and compound.  When a rainy day comes, you’ll be surprised at how much your pennies have grown.  It’s as if your pennies have been fucking all this time, getting each other pregnant and giving birth to new pennies who would, in turn, fuck and make more pennies.  While you were out busy living your life, your pennies were having a Caligula-like Roman orgy and now that you’re older, you can reap the benefits of all that hardcore penny fucking.

So save your pennies, because if you spend your pennies on frivolous shit, then your pennies are just going to fuck for some other asshole’s benefit.  You don’t want that.  You want your pennies fucking for you.

#2 – Fart Often

Life is too short to pretend like we all don’t have to fart.  Stop holding them in.  Let them out…right now…then wave the stench in the direction of all of these lowlife college administrators who keep tacking extra charges to your tuition to fund all kinds of frivolous bullshit even though we all know that the degrees you are about to receive have never been more meaningless and though you’re all convinced you’re about to become great captains of industry, you will all most likely go home and ride Mom and Dad’s couch until the end of time.

So, you might as well be happy and fart.

#1 – Don’t Become Bloggers

Seriously.  Don’t do it.  My lousy, incompetent, good for nothing nephew, Bookshelf Q. Battler, has been blogging for literally 3.5 years now and all he has to show for it is a lousy 3.5 readers.

You want to be a writer?  Good for you.  Knock knock.  Who’s there?  The world.  We do not give a shit what you have to say.  We all have our own problems.

There are more productive ways to spend your time, like clipping your toe nails and waxing your bikini zone.

Your Advice

Do you have advice for the Class of 2017?  Share it in the comments.

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The Real McCoy – Do What You Were Meant to Do…NOW!

By:  Leo McCoy, The Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

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Hello 3.5 readers.

Leo “The Real” McCoy here, back once more to bring this pitiful blog some much needed pizzazz, ambience, and an overall joie de vivre.  That’s some classy French talk I heard some fancy lady say once.  Impressed?  Yeah, I thought so.

Look at you people, going to your jobs, saving your pennies, day dreaming about your goals and aspirations.  You know what I call you people?  Slackers!  Utter failures!  Losers!

Sorry, but someone had to say it and we all know Bookshelf Q. Battler wasn’t going to.  “Oh I’m BQB and I love my 3.5 readers!”  Bleh.  Gag me with a slightly moist argyle sock worn a regular basis by an eighty-nine year old man.

You know I think you’re all chumps?  Because you should have accomplished your life’s work by now.  Stop working towards something and just do that something already.  The earlier the better.

Seriously.  Who knows for sure how much time we have?  You’ve got to treat every day like it’s your last and that means you have to achieve what you have been dreaming of TODAY. Not tomorrow.  Not next week.  Not next year.  TODAY!

Once you achieve what you’re after, you’ll be living on easy street.  Doesn’t matter how poor you are, how downtrodden you are, how crappy your life becomes.  You can hold your head up high and be happy because you did what you needed to do.  You achieved your life’s purpose and so you can now coast for the rest of your life.

But I get it.  Not everyone can be as lucky as me, Leo “The Real McCoy.  Not everyone gets the opportunity, at age 19, to deliver a reuben sandwich, a bag of barbecue chips and a bottle of Dr. Pepper to their idol, one Mr. James Van Der Beek, star of the late 1990s WB hit sensation, Dawson’s Creek.

The Beek on the Creek.  Wow.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  “Sir, here’s your order and might I say that when I look at you, it’s like I’m staring at the visage of a Greek god who was cast out of Mount Olympus and forced to mingle with us mere mortals for a time.”

His reply?  “Thank you.  Keep the change and go away please.”

Yes.  Go away, I did.  And at that young age, my life was complete.  I didn’t need to go to college, or become a doctor or a lawyer or get married or have kids or get a real job or quote unquote, “do something meaningful and productive with my life.”

Why?  Because before I reached age 20, I did what God intended me to do.  God put me on this planet to make sure that James Van Der Beek would not go hungry or thirsty on one day in particular so he could concentrate on entertaining the viewers of the Creek.

Twenty years later, I’m proud to say I did what you wanted me to do God.  I did all that you intended for me to do.  I’m so proud of myself for doing it.  In fact God, I’d love it if you could let me stay alive and well on this planet for at least another sixty some odd years or so, just so I can inspire others to reach their full potential and do what you put them here to do by regaling them with my inspiration tale of how I delivered James Van Der Beek his lunch.

What’s your sandwich, 3.5 readers?  Who is your James Van Der Beek?  What are you supposed to do?  Figure out why God put you here.  Determine what God was thinking when he put you here.  When he put me here, he said, “I need Leo ‘The Real’ McCoy to exist so that one day James Van Der Beek will not be hungry or parched.”  That’s what God say when he made me.

What did God say when he made you?  You don’t want to disappoint God, 3.5 readers.  When you get to the pearly gates and God asks, “Hey, did you do that thing you were supposed to do?”  You don’t want to throw God all kinds of lame excuses.  You don’t want to be all like, “No, sorry God, I was too busy playing Madden football on my X-Station or whatever it’s called.”

“Sorry God.  I didn’t reach my full potential because I was too busy feeding my cat, brushing my hair, eating tacos, braiding my toe hair, washing my testicles with a scrub brush, sleeping in late because my alarm broke and oh yeah I just didn’t give a shit because I was filled with massive amounts of ennui despite the wonderful, miraculous gift of life you gave me so uh, yeah I’ll just be in the corner now and you’ll have to make another person to do the shit that I was supposed to do.  Thanks.”

That was my impression of you.  That’s what you’ll sound like if you don’t get up off your butt and do what you’re supposed to do.

Think I’m worried about meeting God?  No.  When I meet him I can say, “No sweet, G-man.  Remember way back in 1998 when James Van Der Beek was hungry and thirsty?  I had it covered so uh, let me into heaven, man.  I want to check the scene, maybe tip back a few cold ones with Abraham Lincoln and snort some lines off of Marilyn Monroe’s knockers.”

Well.  Maybe I won’t mention that last part.  I mean, it’s Heaven so technically you ought to get to do what you want but, I’m pretty sure Heaven Marilyn is clean and sober now.

In conclusion, stop wasting time!  Go do what you were meant to do right now…like, RIGHT FREAKING NOW!

You’ll be so glad once you get it done because as soon as you do whatever it is, then you can just totally flog the monkey and watch cartoons and drink brewskis and eat nacho cheese chips for like the next 50-60 years.  Totally sweet.

Good luck doing what you are supposed to do, 3.5 readers and oh, if you see BQB, give him a kick in the old stink berries for me, Leo “The Real” McCoy.

You’re welcome for this amazing advice that you clearly do not deserve.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Desuck Your 2017

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m going to stick a straw into the world and suck all the suck right out of it until it sucks no more.

Perhaps you have read one of my many fine anti-suck books:

The History of Not Sucking

1001 People Who Do Not Suck

Would You Suck for a Buck? (Not about prostitution).

Unsucking Humanity (Is about prostitution).

Suck Out the Suck

How Many Sucks Must a Man Desuck Before He Can Be Called a Non-Sucker?

Help! My Life Sucks!

The Suck on the Train

Once, Twice, Three Times a Sucker

A Sucky Day in Brooklyn

Pulp Suction

Sucking in Outer Space

The Wheel of Suck

Around, Around the Suck Goes.  Where Does It Stop?  Nobody Who Doesn’t Suck Knows

I Can’t Stop This Sucky Feeling

3.5 readers, did you suck last year?

Be honest.  You know you did.

You sucked at life.  You sucked in your relationships.  You sucked at home.  You sucked at work.

You would not, could not un-suck in a truck, you would not, could not, un-suck with a duck.

Face it.  The bad news is that you suck.

The good news is that sucking is not a permanent condition.  If you’ve come down with a bad case of the sucks, you are in luck, because this malady is curable.

What did you suck at?  Your health?  Stop sucking at exercise.  Stop sucking at abstaining from fatty foods.  Stop sucking at willpower.

Did you suck at your job?  Stop sucking at showing up on time.  Stop sucking at putting in the extra effort.  Stop sucking at communicating with your co-workers.

Did you suck in your relationship?  Stop sucking at being faithful to your significant other. Stop sucking at honesty.  Stop sucking at kindness.  Stop sucking at love.

2016 is in the suck can of history.  You can’t change it.  You can’t fix it.  If you sucked last year, your memories of last year will always suck.

But don’t make your past suckiness ruin your life.  You do not have to suck forever.  You can grab the suck bull by its sucky horns and ride it all day long until it tires out and it doesn’t feel like sucking up your life anymore.

Here’s my three step plan to suck the suck right out of 2017:

Step #1 – Admit That You Suck

You have to suck at denying that you suck.  Don’t hide your suck.  Pull your suck right out of yourself and hold it out for all the world to see, then yell, “I suck with the gale force wind of a thousand Hoover vacuums and I will not suck for one day longer!”

As long as you hide your suck, you can ignore your suck.  And ignored suck never goes away.  Confront that suck.

Step #2 – Develop a Plan to Not Suck

Do you suck at being thin?  Make a plan to stop sucking at stopping by the gym every day after work.

Do you suck at meeting new friends?  Make a plan to introduce yourself to one new person once a week and strike up a conversation that does not suck.

Do you suck at cleanliness?  Stop sucking at doing the dishes, the laundry, and all those daily chores that suck but keep your home from not sucking.

Is there something you’ve always wanted to do?  Stop sucking at learning it.

Step #3 – Follow Through with Your Anti-Suck Plans

Whatever you need to do to not suck, do it.  Make your anti-suck plan work, then work your anti-suck plan.

Ridding your life of its suck won’t happen overnight, but if you make a commitment to never suck again starting today, then by the end of 2017, you will surely see a tremendous reduction in your life’s suck levels.

This suck won’t un-suck itself, people.  You’ve got to stop sucking at making your suck-free life happen.  There’s no time like the present to not suck.

Thank you for reading, 3.5 readers, and don’t forget to pick up one of my anti-suck books, available now at a book store near you that does not suck.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Stop Blaming Others and Own Your Suck

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m never going to stop spreading my advice to the sucky masses on how to stop sucking until the day comes when the world is entirely suck free.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my anti-suck self-help books:

This Suck Isn’t Going to Unsuck Itself

Sucking Around the World in Eighty Days

The Suck Cure

Suck Wars: The Suck Awakens

How to Deal with Suckers Who Suck

Why Do I Suck?

Why Do You Suck?

Why Does Everyone Around Me Suck?

Will I Ever Not Suck?

3.5 suckers, here’s today’s request for anti-suck advice:

Dear Vinny B,

I try so hard not to suck but it is not my fault. Everyone around me is a giant suck bag and they keep dragging me into their suck. I’ll never stop sucking as long as I have to be around all these sucky suckers and suck in all of their suck all day.

Really. It’s not my fault. Their suck is sucking me in.

Sincerely,

Sucks in Cleveland

Yikes. That letter really sucks, Sucks in Cleveland.

To adapt a scene from The Godfather III, it’s like you’re Michael Corleone and you thought you did everything possible to remove yourself from a world that sucks and then something happens that sucks and your response is, “Just when I thought I was out of the suck, they pull me back into the suck.”

Look. I get it. People suck. And you live in a world where people suck. It feels like the suck is unavoidable. Frankly, it often isn’t.  So much suck comes right at you from every direction.

Second hand suck is very potent. If you’re not careful, sucky people can get their suck all over you and turn you into a big fat sucker.

But you can’t resign yourself to the inevitably of suck.  You have to deflect the suck.

STEP 1 – DEFLECT THE SUCK

Often, you can’t beat the suck but that doesn’t mean you have to join the suck.

EXAMPLE:

YOUR FRIENDS: Hey, want to shoot heroin and then knock over a liquor store and punch a nun in the face?

YOU: No thank you. All of those activities sound like they would suck and I would rather not suck.

See? You’ve sidestepped the suck.

Listen, it would be great if you could talk everyone around you into not sucking but often that isn’t possible. Their suck is too strong and suckers will never stop sucking until they are ready to not suck.

In other words, you can’t really hold down all those suckers in your life and force them to not suck, but you can be there to help them when they come to you seeking advice on how to not suck anymore.

Some people just need to hit that rock bottom of suck before they will see the not sucking light and make the long climb up that anti-suck ladder.

Becoming a non-sucker doesn’t happen overnight.

3.5 READERS: But Vinny, avoiding the suck isn’t always that easy or straightforward.

Oh don’t I know it.  Case in point:

YOU: Oh I think I will do a lot of things on my day off to prevent my life from sucking. I’m going to hit the gym and then buy some broccoli at the grocery store…

YOUR FRIEND AND/OR RELATIVE WHO SUCKS: No, I want you to sit around all day and watch TV and get fat off of pizza with me…

YOU:  No, I’m going to go to the gym and…

SUCKING PERSON: Ugh but I’ll be so depressed if you leave me.  Ugh stay and let’s do some hits of elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: How did you get elephant tranquilizer?

SUCKING PERSON: Bah, I know a guy at the zoo.

YOU: Well, I’m sorry but I don’t want to watch TV and get fat and take elephant tranquilizer.

SUCKING PERSON: Waah!  You must really hate me. Waaah.

YOU: No, no. I don’t want you to feel like you suck. OK I’ll skip the gym and the broccoli and stay here and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer with you.

WRONG!

Absolutely wrong.

Don’t get sucked into a sucky person’s suck web.

I’m not saying don’t get help for a sucky person.  If you’ve got a person in your life who sucks then do what you can to help them stop sucking, but there’s never a reason to join in on the suck.

You don’t want to become suckily codependent with someone.  That’s when two people get together and decide to suck and feed off of one another’s suck.  They make you suck. You make them suck. It’s just a vicious suck cycle where the suck never ends.

Thus, in the above case, you, as a person trying their best to not suck, should set a good example and try to talk to the sucker about ways to stop sucking. See if they’d be willing to talk to a professional who can help them kick their pizza, TV and elephant tranquilizer habits, but other than that, there’s no reason to suck yourself up by engaging yourself in the suck.

Don’t take elephant tranquilizer just to make an elephant tranquilizer addict happy.  And moreover, don’t do something that you know sucks just to avoid making a sucky person feel bad.

Now I get it.  Often the second hand suck doesn’t transfer itself that obviously.

YOU: I’m going to go to the gym and the broccoli store.

SUCKY PERSON: Eh, I need you to clean the house and do the dishes, mow the lawn, wash the cat, shine my shoes, whitewash the fence, cook a nice brisket, rub the bunions on my feet, polish the caulk in the bathroom with a toothbrush, pick all the lint out of the carpet with a pair of tweezers, trim my nose hairs, develop a cure for all diseases known to mankind and skip to the lou my darling…

YOU: Holy shit.  Are you going to do anything to help?

SUCKY PERSON: Nah, I’m going to sit here and watch TV and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But I don’t want to do any of that.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s cool. Just do everything else because I’m too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But if I’m always doing everything because you’re too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer then I’ll never have time to go to the gym and eat broccoli.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s a bitch.

Sucky people are like ninjas. They are very stealthy with their suck.  Sometimes they hit you right up front with the suck stick so you see it coming but other times they sneak the suck up on you and you don’t realize that they’ve even sucked you into their suck until you already suck.

So in that case you must…

STEP 2 – WORK AROUND THE SUCK

You’ve got a real sucker in your life and they’re constantly throwing piles of suck at you.

But you don’t want to kick that sucker to the curb because you feel like people who don’t suck should always keep trying to unsuck a sucker and I feel you.

There’s nothing wrong with being a non-sucker and still loving and/or caring about a person who sucks.

So if you feel like you can’t ditch this sucker, then work around this sucker.

Get up even earlier and go to the gym.  Stay up a little later so you can go to the broccoli store.

I know. That sucks. Like an acrobat, you’re constantly dodging suck and coming up with new and creative ways to turn suck into non suck but if you’re stuck in a situation that sucks then that’s all you can do. Just keep dodging that suck and keep finding ways to make yourself not suck.

Work around that suck.  You know the suck is coming.  Don’t let the suck keep ramming into you.  Do some fancy footwork and bypass the suck.

If you really can’t then yes, sadly…

STEP 3 – DITCH THE SUCK

Yes. I know.  That thought sucks. But if the suck is truly unavoidable, you may have to put some thought into ditching that sucker.

Only you know what your sucky situation is like and only you are aware of your personal level of suck tolerance.

You don’t necessarily even have to abandon a sucker completely. You might be able to lend a non-sucky ear and a non-sucky helping hand from time to time, but if you really feel as though a sucker is dragging you down into a suck vortex, then you’ve got to jump ship and start swimming to the suck free shoreline.

In other words…

STEP 4 – ALWAYS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SUCK

At the end of the day, life is about choices.  Some people face harder choices than others. Some people are put into sucky situations that others couldn’t possibly dream of.

But bottomline you can either sit around and suck and lament and complain about how you live a sucky life because you’re trapped by all the suckers around you or you can pull yourself up and decide that you are not going to suck and you are not going to let suckers make you suck.

I do realize that some people have more sucky suckers to deal with than others but when all is said and done, only you can decide to not do things that suck.

As always, thanks for listening, keep not sucking and don’t forget to buy my anti-suck books, now available at a book store near you that does not suck.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.

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Authors Who Dared to Consult the Esteemed Brainy One

All Hail the Mighty Potentate!

All Hail the Mighty Potentate!

AND NOW A SECURE TRANSMISSION FROM THE MIGHTY POTENTATE, SUPREME AND UNDISPUTED OVERLORD OF A PLANET THE NAME OF WHICH IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

Alien Jones!  I demand a full list of all the Earth authors who’ve dared to consult your highly evolved mind!

Step forward, oh Esteemed Brainy One, and notify me whose names shall be added to the protected rolls  in the event it is deemed that an invasion of Earth is the only means necessary to prevent the intergalactic spread of reality television!

Do this quickly or be vaporized!

Alien Jones, The Esteemed Brainy One

Alien Jones, The Esteemed Brainy One

Certainly, oh Wonderful Potentate!

The indie authors who’ve consulted my are as follows:

A.H. Browne – Do aliens still probe?

Java Davis, The Road Trip Writer – How do I contact Alien Jones?

G.P. Eynon – Why do aliens have better stuff?

Pandora Spocks – Who is Jon Snow’s mother?

Marion Stein – Is Alien Jones related to Yoga Jones from Orange is the New Black?

Justin Sloan – Pit one of my books against a classic.

KD Rose – Make Higgs Boson funny?

Brannon Hollingsworth – Who would win in a fight of robots vs. aliens?

Connie Flanagan – Intelligent plant life?

Sledpress – Is Hollywood really capturing what aliens look like?

Daniel Waltz – Have you ever water traveled?

Oh Mightiest of Potentates, forgive this alien and spare the vaporizer, for in the beginning, I was less efficient and crammed multiple authors into one column.

These brave pioneers, who dared to attach their name to a column purported to be written by an alien in the service of a man who claims to own a magic bookshelf include:

DC Graylocke – I don’t plan to participate in reality TV

AND

Gary Henry – Will the alien provide advice for the lovelorn?

READ HERE

MEI MEI/JEDIBYKNIGHT – Can you tell me about your alien ancestors?

AND

Gary Alan Ruse – Have you read my books?

AND

Kai Delmas – who would win in a war between orcs and men?

READ HERE

Kim Magennis – Was Tesla one of yours?

Tara Ellis – I’d love to share my book with your readers.

READ HERE

TJ SIEBENECK – Which book cover should I use?

MEI MEI/JEDI BY KNIGHT – Are any aliens from Star Wars based on real aliens?

Kim Magennis – Elvis, Bermuda Triangle, and Socks

READ HERE

Julie Shackman – What is your favorite genre and why?

Joe Schwartz – What color is that damn dress?

Kim Magennis – Who built the pyramids?

READ HERE

ALIEN JONES’ FINAL THOUGHTS

Oh, Mightiest of Potentates!  In summation, a total of 21 indie authors and/or bloggers have consulted the precious wisdom of my genius mind.

Surely, this is a sign the humans are worth salvaging.

Especially worth noting is that for the past 9 weeks, I have not gone a single week without one human seeking my counsel.

Bookshelf Q. Battler informs me that he is honored that so many authors would trust this blog to promote them.  He put out the call for humans to ask an alien a question and the questions have been coming in since this column began March 1.

BQB and I continue to fight the good fight against the reality television that so offends your eyes by promoting fiction.  Also, BQB is even working on a series of his own, and that’s a far cry further from where he was at the start of this year when I found him.

I had my doubts, your Potentosity, but perhaps BQB is indeed the chosen one.

That’s why you’re the Potentate.

Humans, please keep the inquiries coming.  Let’s keep the MP happy and keep the hot streak going.

Yours in Braininess,

Alien Jones

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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