World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m never going to stop spreading my advice to the sucky masses on how to stop sucking until the day comes when the world is entirely suck free.
Perhaps you recognize me from one of my anti-suck self-help books:
This Suck Isn’t Going to Unsuck Itself
Sucking Around the World in Eighty Days
The Suck Cure
Suck Wars: The Suck Awakens
How to Deal with Suckers Who Suck
Why Do I Suck?
Why Do You Suck?
Why Does Everyone Around Me Suck?
Will I Ever Not Suck?
3.5 suckers, here’s today’s request for anti-suck advice:
Dear Vinny B,
I try so hard not to suck but it is not my fault. Everyone around me is a giant suck bag and they keep dragging me into their suck. I’ll never stop sucking as long as I have to be around all these sucky suckers and suck in all of their suck all day.
Really. It’s not my fault. Their suck is sucking me in.
Sucks in Cleveland
Yikes. That letter really sucks, Sucks in Cleveland.
To adapt a scene from The Godfather III, it’s like you’re Michael Corleone and you thought you did everything possible to remove yourself from a world that sucks and then something happens that sucks and your response is, “Just when I thought I was out of the suck, they pull me back into the suck.”
Look. I get it. People suck. And you live in a world where people suck. It feels like the suck is unavoidable. Frankly, it often isn’t. So much suck comes right at you from every direction.
Second hand suck is very potent. If you’re not careful, sucky people can get their suck all over you and turn you into a big fat sucker.
But you can’t resign yourself to the inevitably of suck. You have to deflect the suck.
STEP 1 – DEFLECT THE SUCK
Often, you can’t beat the suck but that doesn’t mean you have to join the suck.
YOUR FRIENDS: Hey, want to shoot heroin and then knock over a liquor store and punch a nun in the face?
YOU: No thank you. All of those activities sound like they would suck and I would rather not suck.
See? You’ve sidestepped the suck.
Listen, it would be great if you could talk everyone around you into not sucking but often that isn’t possible. Their suck is too strong and suckers will never stop sucking until they are ready to not suck.
In other words, you can’t really hold down all those suckers in your life and force them to not suck, but you can be there to help them when they come to you seeking advice on how to not suck anymore.
Some people just need to hit that rock bottom of suck before they will see the not sucking light and make the long climb up that anti-suck ladder.
Becoming a non-sucker doesn’t happen overnight.
3.5 READERS: But Vinny, avoiding the suck isn’t always that easy or straightforward.
Oh don’t I know it. Case in point:
YOU: Oh I think I will do a lot of things on my day off to prevent my life from sucking. I’m going to hit the gym and then buy some broccoli at the grocery store…
YOUR FRIEND AND/OR RELATIVE WHO SUCKS: No, I want you to sit around all day and watch TV and get fat off of pizza with me…
YOU: No, I’m going to go to the gym and…
SUCKING PERSON: Ugh but I’ll be so depressed if you leave me. Ugh stay and let’s do some hits of elephant tranquilizer.
YOU: How did you get elephant tranquilizer?
SUCKING PERSON: Bah, I know a guy at the zoo.
YOU: Well, I’m sorry but I don’t want to watch TV and get fat and take elephant tranquilizer.
SUCKING PERSON: Waah! You must really hate me. Waaah.
YOU: No, no. I don’t want you to feel like you suck. OK I’ll skip the gym and the broccoli and stay here and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer with you.
Don’t get sucked into a sucky person’s suck web.
I’m not saying don’t get help for a sucky person. If you’ve got a person in your life who sucks then do what you can to help them stop sucking, but there’s never a reason to join in on the suck.
You don’t want to become suckily codependent with someone. That’s when two people get together and decide to suck and feed off of one another’s suck. They make you suck. You make them suck. It’s just a vicious suck cycle where the suck never ends.
Thus, in the above case, you, as a person trying their best to not suck, should set a good example and try to talk to the sucker about ways to stop sucking. See if they’d be willing to talk to a professional who can help them kick their pizza, TV and elephant tranquilizer habits, but other than that, there’s no reason to suck yourself up by engaging yourself in the suck.
Don’t take elephant tranquilizer just to make an elephant tranquilizer addict happy. And moreover, don’t do something that you know sucks just to avoid making a sucky person feel bad.
Now I get it. Often the second hand suck doesn’t transfer itself that obviously.
YOU: I’m going to go to the gym and the broccoli store.
SUCKY PERSON: Eh, I need you to clean the house and do the dishes, mow the lawn, wash the cat, shine my shoes, whitewash the fence, cook a nice brisket, rub the bunions on my feet, polish the caulk in the bathroom with a toothbrush, pick all the lint out of the carpet with a pair of tweezers, trim my nose hairs, develop a cure for all diseases known to mankind and skip to the lou my darling…
YOU: Holy shit. Are you going to do anything to help?
SUCKY PERSON: Nah, I’m going to sit here and watch TV and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer.
YOU: But I don’t want to do any of that.
SUCKY PERSON: That’s cool. Just do everything else because I’m too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer.
YOU: But if I’m always doing everything because you’re too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer then I’ll never have time to go to the gym and eat broccoli.
SUCKY PERSON: That’s a bitch.
Sucky people are like ninjas. They are very stealthy with their suck. Sometimes they hit you right up front with the suck stick so you see it coming but other times they sneak the suck up on you and you don’t realize that they’ve even sucked you into their suck until you already suck.
So in that case you must…
STEP 2 – WORK AROUND THE SUCK
You’ve got a real sucker in your life and they’re constantly throwing piles of suck at you.
But you don’t want to kick that sucker to the curb because you feel like people who don’t suck should always keep trying to unsuck a sucker and I feel you.
There’s nothing wrong with being a non-sucker and still loving and/or caring about a person who sucks.
So if you feel like you can’t ditch this sucker, then work around this sucker.
Get up even earlier and go to the gym. Stay up a little later so you can go to the broccoli store.
I know. That sucks. Like an acrobat, you’re constantly dodging suck and coming up with new and creative ways to turn suck into non suck but if you’re stuck in a situation that sucks then that’s all you can do. Just keep dodging that suck and keep finding ways to make yourself not suck.
Work around that suck. You know the suck is coming. Don’t let the suck keep ramming into you. Do some fancy footwork and bypass the suck.
If you really can’t then yes, sadly…
STEP 3 – DITCH THE SUCK
Yes. I know. That thought sucks. But if the suck is truly unavoidable, you may have to put some thought into ditching that sucker.
Only you know what your sucky situation is like and only you are aware of your personal level of suck tolerance.
You don’t necessarily even have to abandon a sucker completely. You might be able to lend a non-sucky ear and a non-sucky helping hand from time to time, but if you really feel as though a sucker is dragging you down into a suck vortex, then you’ve got to jump ship and start swimming to the suck free shoreline.
In other words…
STEP 4 – ALWAYS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SUCK
At the end of the day, life is about choices. Some people face harder choices than others. Some people are put into sucky situations that others couldn’t possibly dream of.
But bottomline you can either sit around and suck and lament and complain about how you live a sucky life because you’re trapped by all the suckers around you or you can pull yourself up and decide that you are not going to suck and you are not going to let suckers make you suck.
I do realize that some people have more sucky suckers to deal with than others but when all is said and done, only you can decide to not do things that suck.
As always, thanks for listening, keep not sucking and don’t forget to buy my anti-suck books, now available at a book store near you that does not suck.
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.