Hello 3.5 Readers.
“Things That Really Frost My Ass” with Uncle Hardass
Uncle Hardass here, reporting from the afterlife.
It’s been awhile since I’ve written on my good for nothing nephew’s blog. I don’t want to encourage him with this writing horse shit.
You’re a writer, BQB? Woopitty doo. You can string together words and sentences. GUESS WHAT? You’re not special! Get a job!!! The salt mines are always hiring!
Anyway, where was I? You know what really frosts my ass?
When you go to a store and you need to get one thing. Just one little thing. It’s all you need. The trip should be quick and simple.
But when you get to the store there’s some goddamn jackass right in the way of the product you need.
And it’s never something that a lot of people need thus it makes sense that someone’s there.
It never happens when I need milk or bread.
But if I need my limited edition hemorrhoid cream with kung-fu grip applicator tip, sure enough there will be some old broad with her ass parked in front of the hemorrhoid cream with kung-fu grip applicator tip display, just whiling away the hours trying to figure out which brand of the stuff she should get.
I never know what to do in such a situation. I know exactly what I want. Do I say, “Excuse me” and barge past her and take it? Do I be a gentleman and wait for her to make her selection?
Do I perform some hybrid move where I stand there but cough so as to remind her that other people are waiting and the world does not revolve around her, so she should either hurry up and make a choice or move her fat ass along?
It’s shit like this that makes it so I never want to leave my house.
That happened to me all the time when I was alive but I should also mention that it happens in the afterlife too.
The afterlife is just like being alive. Seriously, no one is enlightened or more intelligent for having experienced life on Earth. Everyone’s just as big a dumbass as they were when they were in the physical realm.
And here’s something else that really puts the cheese on my wiener.
I won’t bother a person when they’re in the store making a selection, even when the odds against a person needing the same obscure product that I require are unlikely and yet there the person’s stupid ass is, blocking my egress to my product of choice.
YET, God forbid I might ever need a minute to make up my mind about something because if I take more than two seconds, some numbnuts will be up my ass like a runaway colonoscope, acting like I’ve committed a treasonous crime for not getting out of the way.
Here’s a list of some of the other things that put a bur in my britches:
- When I’m driving down the road and some dipshit bicyclist in tight shorts cuts across my car and assumes I understand what his moronic hand signals mean. Here’s a hand signal for you, assface!
- People who talk in the movie theater. Specifically, dirtbags who ask “What have I seen that guy in?” as well as the shit heads who then proceed to rattle off said actor’s entire filmography.
- People who post pictures of their kids on social media every five seconds. People, your children are ugly mutants and the quicker you stop deluding them into thinking they’re special the better – not just for you and them but for the rest of society as well.
- The knowledge that whenever I wash my car, a damn bird will inevitably dive-bomb a juicy white turd spray all over it 3.5 seconds later. My pristine car is like ex-lax for winged creatures.
- Idiotic parents who insist on giving their little girls names as if they were cowboys in a frigging Louis Lamour novel. I’m sorry, but the only time your name should be “Dakota,” “McKenzie,” or “Hunter” is if you’re either driving a herd of cattle across the great plains or you’ve just been deputized and ordered to track down a dangerous stage coach robber.
- When I call for customer service and I can’t speak to a person and I ask for help and the damn robots are so advanced that they try to help me. It gets worse when I finally end up speaking to a real person only to discover the robot was an improvement.
- That miserable degenerate who will honk at you if you take more than 2 seconds to move after a red light. I’m not joking. Green – HONK! I’m sorry, your majesty. I didn’t realize I was in the way of your coronation procession.
- Whenever I get a roll of lifesavers and there’s only one red one and one orange one and then a million other differently colored ones that NOBODY WANTS. I swear to Christ, if some rat bastard where to ever make a bag of hard candies called “Just Orange and Red Lifesavers,” not only would they make a goddamned fortune, but the entire world would be fat as hell because no one would be able to stop sucking on those delicious red and orange candies. Shit. Maybe that’s why they don’t do it. You need a pineapple one to slow you down once in awhile so as to prevent an obesity epidemic.
- When a woman has a dog and refers to herself as the dog’s “mommy” or worse, to her husband as the dog’s “daddy.” Gertie did that shit to me all the time when I was alive and I’d tell her, “Listen, Gert. Unless you can provide me with scientific evidence that that dog popped out of your cooter then stop calling yourself its mother.”
That about does it for this list of things that really bend me out of shape. 3.5 readers, if you can think of something that twists your knob, share it in the comments below.
And remember – stop encouraging BQB with this writing crap. Dreams are for losers, unwashed hippies, and other assorted lowlives.
Real men get jobs at the salt mines and that’s all there is to it.
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