Flanked by the secret service, President Stugotz entered a top secret government lab. There, he found Professor Lambert standing over a table covered with Skippy’s tail and a bunch of disgusting alligator chunks.
“Well,” President Stugotz said. “Can we rebuild him? Do we have the tech…”
Professor Lambert raised his pointer finger and pressed it over the President’s lips. “Shh! Don’t finish that sentence. It’s most likely a copyright violation. Or maybe it isn’t. I don’t know. All I know is that no one has ever pissed off Lee Majors and lived to tell the tale.”
“Blech,” President Stugotz said. “Don’t put your dirty finger on my pristine lips. I don’t know where that finger has been.”
The Professor sniffed his finger and shook his head. “Come to think of it, neither do I.”
“So what’s the good word, Professor?” the President asked.
“Mr. President,” Professor Lambert said. “I was honored when you asked me to participate in this project. Really, I was, but now that I have had the time to learn the end result you’re hoping to achieve here, I have to say, this initiative goes against everything I’ve spent my entire life fighting against.”
“I’ll add three more zeros to your check,” President Stugotz.
“And my morals just went out the window,” Professor Lambert said.
The professor lit up a doobie and puffed on it.
“Should you be smoking around the samples?” President Stugotz said.
“The samples?” Professor Lambert asked. “Oh, you mean all these gator chunks? No, yuck. We can throw them away. They’re useless.”
“What the hell, man?” President Stugotz asked. “I thought you were just going to sew all these gator chunks back together and make me a great big beautiful Frankengator, you know, a monster of my very own that will obey all my commands and pop out of the toilets of my enemies to devour them hole.”
“With the CIA’s help, I found something much better, Mr. President,” Professor Lambert said.
The professor punched a combination into the door of a refrigerated vault, then pulled out a small vile filled with a frozen liquid.
“Is that what I think it is?” President Stugotz asked.
“Indeed it is, Mr. President,” Professor Lambert answered.
The two men laughed in a profoundly evil manner. “Muah ha…muah ha…muah ha ha!”
When they were done laughing, the President turned to the Professor. “I’m starving. The First Lady has me on a new diet. Nothing but kale cauliflower. I’ve never been more regular. Believe me, there’s no one as regular as I am now. But screw it, I’m hungry, want to get something to eat?”
“On the way here, wherever ‘here’ is, I saw a fried chicken stand next to a titty bar out of a tiny slit in the bag the CIA put on my head,” Professor Lambert said.
“Professor,” the President replied. “You had me at chicken and titties.”