Tag Archives: westerns

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 104

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Run?” Miles thought to himself. “No thanks. I’ve done enough running.

The young werewolf galloped along the left side of the last box car, jumped towards it, then dug the claws on his left paw into the metal. With his right paw he punched a hole in the box car, then used both paws to rip the steel apart until there was an opening big enough for him to jump in.

Inside, the box car was pitch black. That didn’t matter to Miles. He could still see.

But the smell of all that rotten zombie fleshed packed into that giant rectangular can was ungodly.

Groans and demands for brains filled Miles’ ears. He struck wildly, his claws ripping off zombie heads, limbs and other parts.

Like ants converging on an unattended sweet, the undead swarmed on the werewolf, knocking him down, biting and scratching at him.

“Brains…ugh…urgh…brains…”

Every wound the undead opened on Miles’ body instantly closed. The werewolf stood up and shook the undead off of him.

Miles bent his knees and, as if he were spring loaded, hurtled himself through the roof of the box car.

Slade was just about to step forward when Miles emerged from the twisted steal, his fur covered with zombie guts.

“I thought I told you to run!” Slade said as he looked up at the young werewolf, who was now towering over him.

All Miles could do was growl in response. Had he been able to communicate with Slade, he would have shared what he was thinking.

Run? I’m tired of running. I’m a Goddamned werewolf. People need to start running from me.”

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 95

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Blythe pointed to an open box car and a swarm of zombies crawled inside. They filled it to capacity, climbing on top of each other like animals, unconcerned about the tight quarters.

Loading operations dragged on for quite some time. Once every car was filled with the undead, there were a few hundred zombies left.

“Go free,” Blythe told them.

The few zombies closest to Blythe emitted groans of confusion. “Uggh?”

“I release you,” Blythe said. “You’re free range zombies now. Go West, young zombies. Eat many brains. Murder many humans. Make more zombies to spread the chaos.”

The zombies looked at each other and exchanged “Ugghs.”

“Shoo,” Blythe said as he waved goodbye to them. “Off you go.”

Slowly, the undead turned and trudged away.

Blythe watched until he sensed the presence of a werewolf standing next to him. This particular werewolf was wearing a large grey and white striped engineer’s cap.

“I trust everything’s in order, Mr. Cobb?”

The werewolf snorted. Together, Blythe and Mr. Cobb walked past the line of cars towards the locomotive.

“Very precious cargo we’re carrying here,” Blythe said. “You’re certain you’re up to the challenge of transporting our grand army safely?”

Another snort.

The pair kept walking. Mr. Cobb showed Blythe into the engine room, where a team of werewolves busily pulled levers, turned cranks and tended to various gadgets.

Three more werewolves entered, each carrying a bag of coal, which they stacked next to a large iron furnace.

Mr. Cobb roared and all the werewolves stopped what they were doing and snapped to attention.

“A fine operation you’re running here, Mr. Cobb,” Blythe said.

The vampire walked past each werewolf, inspecting them as a general would his troops.

“You know werewolves,” Blythe said. “I have given it some consideration and in light of your great contributions to the Legion Corporation’s imminent hostile takeover of the U.S. government, I have decided that if this train crosses over the Mississippi River and successfully into Eastern territory I’ll double…”

Blythe scratched his chin. “Nay, triple! I will triple your salaries from hereon.”

The werewolves barked and woofed their joy.

“Now, now,” Blythe said. “Think nothing of it. Let it never be said that vampires do not appreciate the werewolves’ loyalty to the cause.”

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 102

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The crowd’s mumblings eventually worked their way back to Doc and Annabelle.

Women and children only.

“Come on,” Annabelle said. “We’ll find another way.”

“No,” Doc replied. “My dear I can’t deny you safe passage across the Mississippi River on my account.”

“But we’re in this together,” Annabelle said.

“And we still will be, in a way,” Doc replied. He reached into his pocket, produced the two documents he’d been carrying and handed them to Annabelle.

Annabelle squinted at the words. She hadn’t been through much schooling.

“Last..will and…what?”

“My last will and testament,” Doc said. “My dear, when I got into the miracle cure-all business, my financial standing was transformed overnight. I went from pauper to prince in an instant but you see, I made so much in the way of cash that I didn’t feel comfortable carrying it all on my person.”

Annabelle listened. Fearful that untrustworthy characters were lurking in the crowd, Doc led Annabelle away from the rabble.

“At each major city I stopped, I enlisted the assistance of men from the revered Pinkerton Detective Agency to transport my money and deposit it in an account I set up in the First Bank of Chicago.”

“Darling,” Doc said. “In my will I have left the entire sum of my wealth to my beloved wife…”

The ditzy prostitute slapped Doc’s face before he could finish. “You’re married?! You never told me that you…”

Annabelle furrowed her brow at the small chunk of Doc’s flesh that had come off in her hand. She pressed it back into Doc’s cheek.

“Maybe I can just put it back,” she said.

“No just leave it,” Doc replied.

Annabelle let the piece of rotten flesh drop to the ground.

“Let’s be honest, my love,” Doc said. “My condition is worsening and even if I could cross that bridge at your side, I would eventually become a danger to you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and you’d no longer have a life…for I will lose control of myself and devour your brains when you least expect it.”

“Then we’ll go out together,” Annabelle said. “My brains are your brains.”

“No,” Doc said. “For the world needs cocaine and gynecology and you must promise me that you’ll spread the news of the curative properties of both across the globe in my stead.”

Annabelle stammered. “But…”

Doc clutched Annabelle’s shoulders and looked Annabelle in the eyes. In the dim moonlight, Annabelle was able to see that Doc’s face had turned gray and the left side was drooping, practically sagging away.

“From the well-to-do royal circles of London to the lowliest village of the Congo, you must tell everyone that daily doses of cocaine are required for robust health and that women can stave off the mysterious horrors of their nether regions through regular examinations…you must promise me.”

“I promise,” Annabelle said.

“The money in my account will be more than enough to fund your world travels,” Doc said. “And should the bank manager protest you need only show him my will in which you are named my sole heir.”

Doc pointed to the second document.

“And should any scheming members of my family protest your claim, I have taken the liberty of preparing this certificate of marriage…”

“Marriage?” Annabelle asked.

“Indeed,” Doc answered. “This certificate states that you and I were joined in the bonds of holy matrimony two days ago. The Reverend was kind enough to falsely claim that he officiated the ceremony by affixing his signature. And Mr. Slade graciously signed as a witness.”

Doc pointed to an empty line. “That is for you, my dear. Sign it, if you’ll have me and in the eyes of the law, we shall be considered husband and wife. I know earlier this afternoon you said that premise did not appeal to you but…”

Annabelle cried and hugged the good doctor. “Oh Doc. You’re the best fake zombie husband a girl could ever ask for…”

“And you are the finest fraudulent wife a nearly undead man could ever dream of,” Doc replied.

Though she’d been gentle, one of Doc’s ribs cracked under the pressure of Annabelle’s hug.

“I’m sorry,” Annabelle said.

“Quite all right,” Doc replied. “I’m rotting from the inside out as it would seem.”

Unconcerned about the safety of his bones, Doc pulled Annabelle back to continue the embrace for awhile longer.

“Do be careful not to lose these documents, my dear,” Doc said. “For with them in hand, your claim to my fortune will be iron clad.”

“I don’t want your money, Doc,” Annabelle said. “I just want you.”

“And I, you my dear,” Doc replied. “But this is bigger than both of us now. The needs of two people hardly matter when compared to the world’s need for cocaine and vaginal inspections and I know you will do me proud in both endeavors.”

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 101

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Major Culpepper’s men stood on the Missouri side of the Sturtevant Bridge, rifles drawn and pointed at a large crowd of people who were undeterred.

The Major himself withdrew his saber and rattled it wildly in the air.

“Back, you rabble! Back, I say!”

An angry farmer wearing a straw hat let the Major have it. “You can’t send us back there! There’s nothing to go back to!”

An elderly woman with three teeth chimed in. “We’ll all be eaten alive by dead folk if you turn us away!”

“Can’t any of you filth read?” Culpepper asked as he pointed his saber to the lone piece of paper that Corporal Bartlett had tacked to a tree. “The president has declared that you are all to be presumed to be zombies and shot if you attempt to cross. My hands are tied. Disperse immediately.”

A weeping woman wrapped in a shawl held up a crying infant wrapped in a blanket.

“Please sir,” she begged. “At least take my baby so that he might have a chance.”

The major’s glare at the fussy baby was interrupted when the corporal tapped him on the shoulder.

“What is it, Corporal?” an annoyed Major asked.

“A word sir?”

The Major nodded and walked a few feet back onto the bridge with the Corporal, leaving his men to keep the crowd at bay.

“Sir,” the Corporal said. “Can’t we take the baby?”

“That was the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen, Bartlett,” the Major said. “For all I know it could be a zombie.”

“Clearly none of these people are zombies,” Bartlett said.

“Oh, and I suppose you’re an expert on the subject now?” the Major asked. “There’s nothing clear about it, Bartlett. We know very little about zombies. Any one of these people could be carriers of the dreaded zombie contagion. What am I supposed to say to the Eastern seaboard when it gets wiped out? ‘Oh sorry, Eastern seaboard, but Bartlett tripped over his vagina when it was time to secure the Sturtevant Bridge?’”
“But sir…”

“No buts about it, Corporal,” the Major said. “Our orders are to deny passage to anyone who attempts to cross this bridge and that’s all there is to it.”

“But sir surely you could exercise some discretion,” the Corporal said.

“What are you on about?”

“This is a confusing situation, isn’t it?” Bartlett asked. “No one’s keeping track of the time. We let the people cross. We blow up the bridge. Who’s to say they didn’t all cross before we even got here? I’ll swear on a stack of bibles I never saw them if we ever get court martialed.”

The Major looked at the woman holding the baby. He surveyed the crowd. So many young frightened faces. Children clutching their parents.

“Bah,” the Major said. “Blast you, Bartlett. I suppose no one could judge me too harshly if I save the women and children but I swear I’ll lop off your balls and stick them in a jar on my mantle if this ever comes back on me.”

“That’s fair, sir,” Bartlett replied.

“Robards!” the Major shouted.

The Major’s demolition expert was crouched over a bundle of dynamite, carefully tying it to a support beam.

A flick of ash fell on the bundle. Robards looked up to see a smoking private.

“Are you trying to make us all go kerblooey?” Robards asked as he stood up and smacked the smoke out of the private’s hands. “Get some sense, numb nuts!”

“Robards,” the Major repeated as he drew closer. “How long?”

“Depends,” Robards replied. “You want it done fast or you want it done right?”

“I want the whole damn thing blown to smithereens so I can get back to camp and take a shit,” the Major said.

Robards took off his hat and scratched his head. “Bout an hour.”

“Very well,” the Major said.

Culpepper and Bartlett walked back to the line of soldiers standing between the crowd and the bridge.

“Attention rabble,” the Major shouted. “In one hour’s time, all women and children will be allowed to cross. Men will be expected to return West to fight the zombie menace with honor and die with dignity. Say your goodbyes. There will be no further discussion of the subject.”

Various angry groans and complaints emanated from the crowd as the people talked amongst themselves.

Culpepper and Bartlett headed back onto the bridge.

“God help us if even one of these people is a zombie, Bartlett,” the Major said.

“Sir,” the Corporal replied. “I am absolutely positive that none of these people are zombies.”

The crowd stretched back for a quarter mile. Doc and Annabelle arrived on Hercules, unable to pass through the mob.

“Look at all these people,” Annabelle said.

“Yes,” Doc whispered. He pulled up his collar, turned down the brim of his hat, and pointed his head downward. “I do hope none of them suspect that I am a zombie.”

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Zombie Western – Book #2 – Undead Man’s Hand Preview

Hey 3.5 Readers. Since I expect to have Book 1 done soon and will probably jump into a draft of Book 2 for a little while before performing a major rewrite of Book 1, I’d be curious to know whether or not you like the direction I’ll be going in Book 2 – “Undead Man’s Hand.”

It’s part prequel as there are characters who learn a zombie apocalypse is coming. Given the results of Book 1, they obviously fail to convince anyone to do anything about it.

But post Western zombie apocalypse, there will be quite a Calamity Jane vs. Zombies vs. Zombie Wild Bill Hickok showdown.  That part of the book will be a sequel.

So it is half prequel, half sequel.

My idea for this book is basically what steered me in the direction of introducing the Legion Corporation in the first book.  Initially, Zombed was going to be a stand alone in which Doc just turned everyone into zombies by feeding them too much cocaine.

Give me your input, 3.5

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Deadwood, Dakota Territory. 1876.

James Butler “Wild Bill” Hickok is one of a young nation’s earliest celebrities, having found fame and fortune as a notorious gunslinger.

Historians have long maintained that Hickok’s life came to an abrupt end when the coward Jack McCall stormed into a saloon and shot Hickok in the back, a bitter resolution to a dispute over a poker game gone awry.

Aces over eights. Many a so-called expert has claimed that Hickok was holding a pair of aces and a pair of eights when he died. Thus, the “Dead Man’s Hand” has long been considered the unluckiest hand in the game of poker, a foreshadowing of impending doom for anyone who draws it.

In truth, Hickok, in secret, was a prolific vampire hunter. While the public was aware of the dangerous human desperadoes he put six feet under, he kept his fight against the fanged to himself for quite some time.

But upon learning of a plot by the Legion Corporation, an evil railroad company overseen by America’s most vicious vampires, to conquer the United States, Hickok finds it necessary to seek the assistance of his two closest confidantes, female gunfighter Martha “Calamity Jane” Cannary and straight-laced businessman Charlie Utter.

Alas, before Hickok is able to share much of his secret, the villainous vampire Lady Blackwood (name probably to be changed) glamours McCall into shooting Hickok in the back in order to protect the truth about the Legion Corporation’s true purpose from coming to light.

But it doesn’t go as she planned, for witnesses on the scene were mistaken about the hand that Hickok had been holding. It wasn’t aces over eights but rather eight aces, each card printed with a drawing of a different member of Legion’s board of directors.

Jane has her own personal demons, an addiction to alcohol and a colorful vocabulary among them. But her loyalty to her mentor sends her on a quest to warn various Western lawmen of the impending zombie apocalypse, from Deadwood’s own Sheriff Seth Bullock to Marshal Wyatt Earp himself.

Will Utter join her crusade and give Jane’s incredible tales of vampires and zombies the credibility they need? Or will he ignore it all and retreat to the orderly, proper life he prefers?

Even worse, when Hickok’s body goes missing, and a masked man reminiscent of Hickok goes on a bank robbing spree across country, it becomes clear that Lady Blackwood has turned the West’s greatest hero into her own personal zombie puppet.

Thus, Jane is forced with the grim duty of having to put to rest the body of the man who believed in her when no one else would.

It all leads to an epic showdown in Deadwood, a lawless gold rush mining camp turned makeshift town filled with cutthroats, liars, cheats, scoundrels, and even worse, politicians.

Several of Deadwood’s most prominent (and unsavory) residents will stop by, including the aptly named Al Swearengen.  Saloon keeper and one of North America’s first organized crime bosses, Al may or may not be playing both sides against each other for his own personal profit.

It’s going to be awesome and you should totally give Bookshelf Q. Battler your money.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 98

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Iron shackles kept Slade’s hands bound tightly behind his back. Another pair secured his feet together. He was flat on his back, staring at the ceiling.

Gunther laid next to him, in a similar predicament.

Two werewolves entered the livery and set up a table and two chairs. One of them threw a rope over an old wooden support beam up in the rafters, then tied the other end around Gunther’s hand shackles.

The wolf yanked on the free end of the rope until the old man’s feet were dangling just above the ground. The beast then tied the end of the rope he was holding to a vertical beam in the middle of the room.

“Don’t I get to talk to a judge or somethin’?” Gunther asked.

A big hairy paw slap across his face was the werewolf’s response.

“Guess not,” Gunther said as blood trickled out of his mouth.

The second werewolf picked up Slade and sat him down in one of the chairs.

Blythe, who’d been supervising the entire operation from the corner, strolled over to Slade and drew his revolver.

The vampire pressed the cold steel up against Slade’s forehead. Slade closed his eyes and leaned into it. He wasn’t scared at all. Rather, the idea that all his torment could be over in an instant filled him with a sense of relief.

“Pow,” the vampire said as he pulled back his weapon. Slade opened his eyes.

“How simple it would be to solve the threat you pose to me,” Blythe said as he holstered his piece and took the seat on the opposite side of the table. “But luckily for you, you have friends in some very high places that you aren’t even aware of.”

Slade sat in silence.

“Do you know how vampires hypnotize people?” Blythe asked.

No response.

“The eyes,” Blythe said. “They truly are, as people say, the window to the soul. I can look into the eyes of most people and quickly learn everything there is to know about them. Their deepest, darkest secrets, their hopes, their dreams. Then, without ever saying it directly, I’m able to implant into their minds the false promise that if they do what I ask of them, their dreams will come true. Moments later, they recall nothing and they’re convinced their actions were of their own volition.”

“Am I supposed to be impressed?” Slade asked.

“No,” Blythe said. “It’s more of a psychological parlor trick than anything else. I convinced Judge Sampson to let your least favorite family go by promising him that he’d be governor one day. Politicians are so easy. Just promise them more opportunities to be treated like the prized pig at the county fair.”

Blythe drummed his fingers on the table. “Jack Buchanan was a cinch as well. Money and whores and, well, I’m not sure I can find fault in that. Who among us doesn’t appreciate money and a good whore?”

Slade wiggled his hands. It was no use. The shackles were too strong.

“Ironically, your whore was a tougher nut to crack,” Blythe said. “I thought a promise of money would bring her around as well but no, all she needed was a promise that one day she’d end up with you. If my heart still worked, it would have been warmed.”

Slade’s heart did work. And it sank.

The vampire wagged his pointed finger at the captive. “But you, my friend, are a horse of a different color. I looked deep into your soul and saw it all. The cowardly little boy hiding under his bed while his mother was dragged into the street and shot like a dog…”

Slade sneered.

“…the Daddy who confirmed your sense of self-loathing by refusing to love you…”

The lawman attempted to rise to his feet but a werewolf’s paw pressed him back down into his seat.

“…the disappointment you felt when you realized that even though a Marshal’s star gave you a license to hunt down and kill everyone who ever reminded you of your mother’s killer, no amount of blood was ever going to bring you peace…”

The vampire clicked his tongue in a “tsk, tsk, tsk” sound. “Many people claim to feel hopeless but few actually are. Even the most downtrodden, destitute hobo privately harbors hope that he’s just one stroke of luck away from finding himself in a mansion feasting on caviar, a gaggle of servants catering to his every whim…”

Gunther piped up. “If you’re going to prattle on and on forever, you think one of your dog monsters could cut me down? Hanging like this is hell on an old man’s back.”

The old man’s insolence was met with another werewolf slap to the face. Gunther’s beard became soaked with his own blood.

“A simple ‘no’ would have sufficed,” Gunther said.

The vampire smiled then turned his attention back to Slade. “You are a truly hopeless individual. There’s not a speck of optimism in you. You believe the world is garbage, that everyone’s lives are meaningless, that building yourself into an admirable position is pointless because as soon as you get comfortable life will inevitably send the equivalent of a Sawbuck Sam to tear everything apart again.”

Slade didn’t want to give Blythe the satisfaction of an answer, but he didn’t have to. Blythe could tell by the look on Slade’s face that he was speaking the truth.

“Rainer,” Blythe said as he leaned across the table. “A soul will never be anything more than a cause of constant torment for a man who is irreparably hopeless.”

“Just kill me and get it over with,” Slade said.

“Kill you?” Blythe asked. “I want to save you.”

The vampire reached into his pocket and produced a piece of paper. He unfolded it and laid it out on the table. A werewolf set down a quill and an inkwell.

“More specifically,” Blythe said. “I want to save you from your soul.”

“I wish someone would save me from this never-ending soliloquy,” Gunther said. His words were met with another werewolf slap, but he didn’t care anymore.

“You are hopeless and yet your soul demands that you feel,” Blythe said. “Love for Bonnie Lassiter, the woman you feel you can drop your false facade of bravado around and be loved for who you are. Love for Sarah Farquhar, who looks up to you as the brave man you wish you were even though it is not the man you are inside. Hatred for yourself for loving both of them and for loving Bonnie more despite the societal convention that you’re only supposed to love the woman you’ve formally promised yourself to.”

Blythe pushed the paper across the table, then signaled the werewolf standing guard over Slade to remove the shackles from the prisoner’s hands.

With his hands free now, Slade choked back the urge to fight. He was outnumbered and his pistols had been taken from him.

“Take your time and peruse the contract,” Blythe said. “It’s all fairly standard boiler plate. You agree to sell your immortal soul to the Chairman of the Board of Directors of the Legion Corporation.”

Slade read the document to himself. It was written in elegant cursive. Had the subject matter not been so wicked, it would have been suitable for framing.

“In exchange for this valuable commodity, the Chairman will appoint you as an agent of the Legion Corporation. You’ll be rewarded handsomely and without that wretched soul of yours weighing you down, you’ll be able to cheat, kill and fuck you way through the rest of your life without nary a concern of how it affects anyone or what anyone thinks of you.”

Slade kept reading. “You want me to sell my soul to the dev…”

Blythe reached across the table and pressed his pointer finger up against Slade’s lips. “Shhh. We don’t speak of any of the Chairman’s many names. He prefers to remain shrouded in mystery.”

Slade reared his head back, unpleased that a male finger had been on his lips. The vampire moved back in his chair.

“Naturally, the Chairman will expect you to do a lot of killing on the Legion Corporation’s behalf,” Blythe explained. “Oh and your employment with Legion must remain strictly confidential. You see, we’ll need you to continue holding yourself out to the public as a decent, honorable man. Luckily for the Chairman, decent men will be in short supply once the country is overrun with zombies and all laws are thrown out the window. But without your soul, you’ll have no qualms about gaining the people’s trust only to lead them to their doom.”

Blythe cleared his throat and carried on. “You really have no idea how lucky you are that the Board of Directors has taken such an interest in you. You’ll be a very important man in our new world order.”

Slade looked at the line where he was supposed to sign. He looked up at the vampire.

“And what if I don’t sign?” Slade asked.

“Oh you’ll sign,” Blythe said. “I’m nothing if not very resourceful. I have my ways of convincing the hopeless that life would be better sans soul. You’re on the precipice right now and all I need do is keep pushing until you’re over the edge. You can sign now and spare your loved ones a great deal of agony, or we can continue our negotiations. I’m not sure Miss Lassiter or Miss Farquhar will last very long though.”

Slade seethed with a burning rage, urging him to leap across the table and rip Blythe’s head off. Unfortunately, that wasn’t an option while a werewolf was nearby.

The vampire playfully bonked the side of his head with his hand. “Oh, I forgot. I have them both.”

“What?” Slade asked.

“The woman you promised to marry and the woman you’d rather marry,” Blythe said. “Both are in my custody, ready to be abused and tortured to no end for as long as you need further lessons on how burdensome it can be when your soul constantly demands that you care about other people.”

Slade looked at the paper again. “I sign this and you’ll let them go?”

“If you sign this, you won’t care if I let them go,” Blythe said. “I’m sorry but you really have no leverage here.”

Slade picked up the quill. He dipped it in ink. He touched the tip on the signature line.

The old man interrupted him. “Son,” Gunther said.

Another werewolf slap.
Blythe raised his hand to signal the werewolf guarding Gunther. “It’s alright. This is a legal hearing so never let it be said I did not allow all interested parties to speak their piece.”

The werewolf nodded and backed off.

Gunther started again. “Son, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life it’s that when things look bleak, it seems easy to do something that under normal circumstances would make us ashamed. Give in to this fanged fuck today and you’ll be giving into him for the rest of your days. And I suppose the version of yourself that you become won’t give a lick off a bull’s nuts, but I know the you that’s sitting there right now does care. Somehow, some way, even when it seems impossible, life has a way of unfucking itself. You don’t need to sign that because I swear, I don’t why when or how, but things will get better. They always do.”

Slade stared at the vampire. “I need you to promise you’ll let everyone go.”

“Everyone?” Blythe said. “That’s a bit much, isn’t it?”

“Bonnie. Sarah. Gunther. The Injuns. Everyone.”

Blythe sighed. “I had intended to turn your native friends into blood bags. Savage blood is so hearty and delicious. They don’t poison their bodies with as much impropriety as civilized men do. But I suppose there are other savages I could harvest.”

The vampire stood and walked around the table. “Very well. Sign and all of your people go free.”

Blythe pressed his left hand down firmly on Slade’s shoulder, then tapped his right finger on the signature line.

“Right here,” Blythe said. “And then it will be done.”

“Don’t do it, boy,” Gunther said. “He’ll kill us all anyway.”

“You can hit him now,” Blythe said without looking up. The werewolf obliged, giving Gunther another slap to the face.

Slade dipped the quill into the inkwell, swirled it around, then pulled it out, carefully wiping the excess ink off on the sides of the well.

He hesitated for a moment, then scrawled away across the signature line.

A curious Blythe leaned in to read three words written in poor penmanship on the contract he’d so dutifully prepared.

“FUCK YOUR MOTHER.”

And unfortunately for Blythe, his exposed neck became an irresistible target for Slade, who quickly plunged the sharp end of the quill pen into it.

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How the West Was Zombed – A Note on Chapter 95

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Recently, I wrote Chapter 95, in which the Major and the Corporal decide whether or not to disobey orders and allow a gaggle of people cross the bridge (thus escaping the zombie hordes) before it is blown up.

Doc rides onto the scene at the end, thus confirming the Major’s worry that a zombie might be amongst the crowd.

Doc, of course, is a higher functioning half-zombie.

Anyway, this won’t be 95.  I’m going to push this to later. Logistically, I don’t think Doc has had enough time to make it to the bridge yet.

Our story will pick up with Miles, and then we’ll find out what happened to Gunther and Slade.

I know. The 3.5 people reading this care more about Gunther than Slade.  Can’t blame them. Gunther has personality. Slade’s kind of an uber depressed pretty boy.

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How the West Was Zombed – Part 9 – The Not So Great Escape

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Tribal shaman Wandering Snake guilts Standing Eagle into coming to Highwater’s aid.

Slade gets his crew to the livery stable, with a plan to send Miss Bonnie, the Widow Farquhar and Miles south to seek refuge with Eagle’s allies.

Meanwhile, Doc and Annabelle plan to head East to pursue their dreams of becoming international cocaine peddling gynecologists. (Yes, it makes more sense if you read it.)

But with an army of obedient zombies under his control, Blythe interferes with these plans.

The Reverend’s attempt to find some good in Blythe backfires in a big way.

Miles will need to figure out how to be a werewolf before its too late.

Chapter 79       Chapter 80     Chapter 81

Chapter 82      Chapter 83      Chapter 84

Chapter 85      Chapter 86

Due to my incompetence, I skipped making a Chapter 87 and went right to 88, so:

Chapter 88     Chapter 89     Chapter 90

Chapter 91     Chapter 92      Chapter 93

Chapter 94

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 94

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Miss Bonnie headed south, maneuvering Doc’s wagon down a bumpy path through a forest. The trees were tall and in the moonlight, just the slightest bit spooky.

“Oh I don’t know about this Miss Lassiter,” Sarah said as she looked around. “We will be safe without any men to protect us?”

The driver felt like chewing Sarah out for making that statement but erred on the side of diplomacy. “I think we’ll manage.”

Miles stretched out in the back. Occasionally, he nodded off, only to be jostled awake when Miss Bonnie took the wagon over a rock.

He could hear everything the women were saying.

“I wish I shared your optimism,” Sarah said. “Perhaps life is easier for someone with a…carefree spirit.”

Miss Bonnie raised an eyebrow. “Is that supposed to mean something?”

“Oh no,” Sarah said. The bride examined her wedding dress. The train had ripped off hours earlier and between the blood stains and dirt it was more of a reddish brown now than white.

“It’s just that, you lived such a glamorous lifestyle,” Sarah said.

“I did?” Miss Bonnie asked.

“I would imagine a saloon keeping prostitute has many interesting stories,” Sarah said.

“Drunk perverts parting with their pay for pussy is about it,” Miss Bonnie replied.

Sarah blushed. “Good heavens.”

Chance plodded along at a steady speed.

“Sometimes I wish I hadn’t lived such a provincial life,” Sarah said. “Between my father and my departed husband, the only thing I have ever done is cook and clean for men. Why, if it weren’t for all of the sinful debauchery guaranteeing your place in eternal hellfire I’d have half a mind to trade places with you.”

As a dedicated church lady, Sarah had a habit of speaking straightforward, oblivious to how her words could be construed as insulting. Miss Bonnie picked up on that but did her best to not take offense.

“Word to the wise, darling,” Miss Bonnie said. “If you spend your life depending on men to take care of you, you’ll be mighty disappointed when they let you down.”

“I suppose,” Sarah said. “Oh but I’ll never have to worry about that with Rain. Such a rugged and hearty man’s man. Perfect in every way. He’s brave and bold and has no problems whatsoever. And he’s so dedicated to me.”

Having no interest in carrying on that line of discussion, Miss Bonnie changed the subject. “Kinda chilly isn’t it?”

Sarah rubbed her hands over her elbows, hugging herself. “It is.”

In the back, the scent of three werewolves wafted through the air and up into Miles’ nostrils. The boy opened his eyes and sat up.

“Have you and Rain been acquaintances long?” Sarah asked.

“Huh?” Miss Bonnie replied.

“He seems to hold a high opinion of you,” Sarah said. “Trusting you to look out for me and all.”

“Oh you know that old expression,” Miss Bonnie said. “‘If you can’t trust the town whore to look out for your bride then who can you trust?’ Right?”

“Is that an expression?” Sarah asked.

“Sure is,” Miss Bonnie answered.

“I’m not sure it is,” Sarah said.

Miles opened the back doors, allowing them to sway in the breeze. In the distance, he saw three glowing yellow eyes. They grew bigger and bigger until he could see three furry faces.

King Zeke and his two flunkies were closing in.

The boy knocked on the front of wagon. Miss Bonnie could hear Miles’ muffled voice from behind the boards.

“Miss Bonnie!”

“What?” the redhead asked.

“Company!”

Miss Bonnie craned her neck backward and caught a glimpse of the three sets of yellow eyes.

“Son of a…”

The redhead snapped on the reigns, prompting Chance to run as fast as his hooves would carry him.

Sarah turned to see what was going on. “Oh Lord save us.”

Miles drew his rifle and aimed for the glowing eyes, but the wagon shook uncontrollably as Chance bolted. The boy fired and missed. Zeke’s henchwolves flanked either side of the wagon, while the King himself followed behind.

One henchwolf ran along the left side of the car. He jumped up and dug his claws into the wagon to hold on. As soon as his face popped up, Miss Bonnie filled it full of buckshot. Unfortunately, it wasn’t silver buckshot, so it didn’t kill him, but it was painful enough that he let go and tumbled to the ground.

Sarah shrieked as the other henchwolf wrapped its paws around her waist. Miss Bonnie dropped the reigns, allowing the wagon to swerve all over as she grabbed hold of Sarah’s ankle. Though she tried to keep the bride in the wagon, King Zeke’s lackey was too strong.

The last thing Miss Bonnie saw was Sarah kicking and screaming as she was flung over the henchwolf’s shoulder. The wolf turned around and ran back towards town, upright on two feet as he carried his prize.

Miles watched as Zeke grabbed hold of the back left wheel, causing the wagon to jerk so abruptly that it started to flip over.

The boy thought fast. He morphed into werewolf form, becoming so tall that his head crashed through the roof of the wagon. After slashing through the boards that separated him from the driver’s seat, he picked up Miss Bonnie and jumped just in time to avoid being caught amidst the flying debris as the wagon crashed into pieces on the ground.

Chance managed to twist himself free of the wreck, then ran off into the night.

Miles felt sharp claws dig into his back. He put Miss Bonnie down and turned to find himself facing the henchwolf that had been shot by Miss Bonnie. His wounds were heeled.

The boy was angry. First his father. Now his newfound friends. He scratched his claws across the henchwolf’s face, then connected an uppercut to the attacker’s chin, launching him into the air then down to the ground.

Miles jumped on top of him, drew his hand back and was ready to deliver a death blow when he saw it. A look of fear in the henchwolf’s eyes.
The kid put his paw down, stood up, then started to walk towards Miss Bonnie, who was searching around for her shotgun to no avail. She picked up a piece of wood and prepared to defend herself.

Miles sensed the henchwolf was behind him. He turned just in time to see a paw coming for his face, only to be stopped when a grey paw grabbed it.

King Zeke’s voice crawled its way into Miles’ mind.

“Now is that any way to treat a fella who did you a good turn?”

The henchwolf was confused. “He got in the way.”

“That bloodsucking lawyer aint paying us to kill our own kind,” Zeke said. Then he asked the kid, “What’s your name, boy?”

“None of your business,” Miles replied.

“Helluva way to talk to your elders,” Zeke said. “Why don’t you run along now before I put you over my knee?”

Zeke and his henchwolf gathered around Miss Bonnie. The redhead got a few good whacks in on the henchwolf’s snout before he grabbed her board, snapped it in half, and picked her up.

Miles put a paw on Zeke’s shoulder. “Tell him to let her go!”

The sound of Zeke’s laughter flowed through Miles’ mind. Zeke turned around, socked Miles in the face, causing him to soar several feet backwards until he landed on the ground.

Zeke gripped the back of Miles’ head and looked him in the eye.

“Here’s some free advice, kid. Either join a pack and do as you’re told or find a cave to hide in, because the next time you put your paw on an alpha, you best be an alpha.”

Zeke let go of Miles’ head, allowing it to fall on the ground. The boy looked up as his assailant walked away.

“And you’re no alpha.”

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 93 (Rewrite)

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Gunther only had the one good eye, but that was all he needed to land a shot straight through the neck of the werewolf that had Standing Eagle pinned. The werewolf roared in pain and became distracted just long enough for the Chief to spring to his feet and bash the beast backward with multiple tomahawk smashes to the face.

Once the monster was within range, Gunther put a silver tipped bullet right in the back of its hairy skull. Eagle side stepped just in time to avoid being crushed by the collapsing carcass.

In a blood and guts fueled frenzy, Slade was using his twin pistols to pop putrid zombie heads as if they were ripe watermelons.

Eagle’s warriors fought valiantly. Bobcat jammed his blade into a zombie’s forehead, then hacked off the creature’s hand, stole its gun and used it to blow out the brains of three more zombies.

Fox scalped a zombified Buchanan Boy, using his knife to peal away the undead man’s hair and skin, not to mention the top half of his skull. Once the zombie’s brain was exposed, Fox plunged his blade deep inside it, putting the zombie’s lights out forever.

The zombies kept attacking, as did the two remaining werewolves. The cowboys and natives closed ranks, fighting in close proximity to each other as they hacked off and shot off all manner of disgusting zombie parties.

“It seems I have saved your useless hide again, Slade,” Eagle said as he hacked the arm off one of his attackers.

“I don’t feel too safe yet,” Slade replied as he put a silver tipped bullet right through the eye of a werewolf, dropping him cold. “But thanks.”

“Are you two going to kiss or are you going to kill zombies?” Gunther asked. The old timer pulled the trigger of his rifle only to hear a click. Out of ammo, the old timer improvised and bashed an incoming’s face in with the butt of his Winchester.

“We make our ancestors proud today, Eagle!” cried Bobcat as he lopped a zombie’s head clean off and tossed it into the air. It remained alive until Slade put a bullet between its eyes before it hit the ground. It was an epic trick shot.

“Am I seeing things or are there even more of these fuckers?” Gunther asked.

“You aren’t,” Snake replied as he conked a zombie over the head with his staff. “We kill more and more and they just keep coming…ugh!”

Two zombies grabbed Snake’s arms and attempted to pull him into the sea of undead that surrounded the heroes, but Screeching Owl put an arrow in each of their heads in order to free the shaman.

High up above the brawl, Blythe hovered in the air, directing his zombies in their gruesome carnage. Slade took a few shots at the vampire, but Blythe dodged them adeptly.

From his vantage point, Blythe could see a mile in any direction, and to his delight, the entire town had become filled with zombies and werewolves.

The drive was finally complete. The werewolf herdsmen had brought their zombie cattle in, and with is mind, the vampire directed all of the undead to converge on the mayhem outside the livery.

Gunther smacked and punched away the hands that grabbed him, but they were too many. The old man was hoisted into the air and held there by several different pairs of hands. Soon, Slade was overpowered and ended up joining him, as did Fox, Owl, Bobcat, and Snake.

All heroes resisted but they were unable to break the undead grips that held them up over the zombie crowd below.

Eagle wasn’t so lucky. With a werewolf’s paw around his throat, he was lifted into the air. The werewolf squeezed…and squeezed until…CRACK! The Chief’s neck snapped and his body went limp.

Slade cried out in anger and struggled to free himself to no avail.

Down the road, a rider approached on a horse. As he drew near, the zombies parted to let him through. At least twenty hulking werewolves followed in his wake.

Ezekiel “Zeke” Kane. Alpha King of a wolf pack out of Colorado. He was older, in his early fifties at least. The hair that flowed out from under his hat was grey, as was his long beard. His leather coat was worn, looking as though it had seen a lot of action on the trail.

Blythe motioned for the zombies to clear a circle. Zeke rode into the middle of it. His spurs jangled as his boots hit the ground. Blythe landed next to him.

“Mr. Kane,” Blythe said.

“Counselor,” Zeke replied in a Southern twang.

“I trust your ride in was riveting?” Blythe asked.

“Sacked and burned everything from Colorado to Missouri,” Zeke replied. “Every pack from here to the Rockies joined in. These zombies are dumber than an inbred aardvark but they respond to the whip all right. Got quite an army on your hands now.”
“The chairman will no doubt reward you and yours ten fold,” Blythe said.

“Well, my mama always said it was impolite to talk money in front of company but I sure hope so,” the alpha said. “We didn’t drag these sons of bitches cross country for our health.”

Slade, Gunther and the natives were on their feet now, being restrained by the zombie hordes. The werewolf who bested Eagle tossed the Chief’s carcass at Blythe’s feet.

“Good boy,” Blythe said to the werewolf.

“Glory be,” Zeke said as he looked over Eagle’s muscular frame. “That’s the biggest Injun I ever seen.”

Bobcat refused to be silent. “You know not what you do, demon,” he shouted at Blythe. “You have taken the life of a warrior far, far better than you could ever be and the spirits will demand justice. They will demand…”

“Shut him up,” Blythe said. His undead stooges obeyed and clamped their hands tightly over Bobcat’s face.

Gunther and Slade were already subdued in a similar manner, disgusting hands over their mouths preventing them from saying anything.

“Mr. Kane,” Blythe said. “I hate to give you another job before you’ve had a moment to put your feet up, but there is an urgent matter in need of your skill.”

“Let’s hear it,” Zeke replied.

Blythe pointed to Slade. “This one has two women.”

“Two?!” Zeke balked as he walked over to Slade. “God damn, boy. Leave some for the rest of us, will ya?”

“They escaped,” Blythe said. “I need them back unharmed.”

Slade winced as Zeke sniffed him. “He reeks of both of them. I got their scent.”

The King flexed his muscles. They grew and grew until his clothing ripped off of him. He morphed into a mighty werewolf but unlike the others, his fur was mangy and grey.

He dropped down on all fours and scurried through the zombie hordes. Two wolves joined him.

“Take them inside,” Blythe commanded. His zombies obeyed and carried the prisoners into the livery.

Blythe rose into the air and flew back to the Marvel, where Mr. Mayhew and the other conductors were waiting.

“Shall we begin boarding sir?”

“Yes, Blythe replied as his feet touched down on the platform. “But your men can handle that. I need you to head off to the bridge and make sure it’s clear of any rabble.”

“Consider it done sir,” Mayhew replied.

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