Tag Archives: zombies

Jan 27 2017
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Uncategorized, Zomcation

Vote for My Zomcation Book Cover Contest

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Zomcation is the best book ever written about an ex-soldier guilted by his depressed, divorced sister, social media addicted niece and hipster nephew into taking a vacation to an amusement park dedicated to a cartoon wombat only to end up fighting hordes of zombies when a Doomsday cult infects the park’s soda supply with a zombifying virus.

I can smell the literary awards now.  Mmm.  Smells like chicken.

Please vote for your cover here.

And please, really vote.  I’m having a hard time making up my mind.

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Jan 26 2017
6 Comments
Uncategorized, Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 34

tabletdemo

“An iron chain crafted by the First Infallible Master and fortified by the magic of the Staff of Ages,” the master said. “It has kept this beast in line for countless millennia.”

“Even worse,” Shaoshang said as he drummed his claws against the loops that dangled down from his neck. “It clashes with everything. I can’t do a thing with it.”

The monster paced back and forth, dragging the chain along the floor as it moved. The length continued to a plate in the wall, secured with two heavy screws.

“You’re looking well,” the master said.

Shaoshang flashed a toothy grin. “Looks have always been my strong suit, old man. Patience, on the other hand, not so much. Why do you waste my time?”

“Does it matter that much to you?” the master asked. “You have so much of it, after all.”

“Yes,” Shaoshang said. “But when you came in, you wrested me out of a splendid slumber. Oh, I was having the most magnificent dream.”

“It brought you joy, I presume?” the master asked.

“Oh yes,” Shaoshang said as he paced about. “You were there, burning alive, although I guess that’s out of the question. My word, Yaozu, if this Dragonhand fellow really got the best of you then I would very much like to shake his hand.”

“The two of you would get along well,” the master said.

“Anyway,” Shaoshang said. “Before I was so rudely interrupted, in my dream I was free and sitting upon the Dragon Throne. It was soaked in the blood of my enemies, many of which were either charred to cinders or separated from their heads. Oh how I enjoy putting heads on pikes.”

The beast reached out his hand and lightly traced a claw down the side of Junjie’s cheek. The hero winced.

“Speaking of heads,” Shaoshang said. “What a lovely ripe squash you have there.”

“Know your place, creature,” the master said.

“Come now, jailer,” Shaoshang said. “Surely there’s no harm in a little fun.”

“There is in your version of fun,” the master said.

A hot puff of steam popped out of Shaoshang’s nose. The monster’s nostrils flared and his eyes grew brighter as he shouted, “Then why have you disturbed me?!”

Junjie’s heart pounded.
“We need your brain,” the master said.

Shaoshang stepped back. “My…brain?”

“You’re not using it for anything productive,” the master said. “Give it to my disciple.”

“Yaozu you crazy old fool,” Shaoshang said. “Surely you jest.”

“No,” the master said.

“You really thought you and this pup would walk right into my prison and walk out with my brain?” Shaoshang asked.

“Why not?” the master asked. “It will bring you nothing but torment and misery for as long as you are trapped down here. You will dwell on your past. You will think about what you have missed out on, would could have been or should have been. You will yearn to be free but as long as that chain remains around your neck, you never will be. Many years from now, the bones of everyone alive today will be dust, as will be the bones of their children and children’s children. All will have moved on. You will still be here…alone.”

“Hmm,” Shaoshang said. “When you put it like that…”

“My disciple will soon challenge a gruesome foe,” the master said. “Dragonhand has consumed the brain of every kung fu master, including mine.”

“All fat and gristle I’d wager,” Shaoshang said.

“You have lived a long time,” the master said.

“Too long,” Shaoshang lamented.

“In your long life, you also mastered every devastating move in kung fu,” the master said.

“I had to do something with my time and masturbation grew old after the first thousand years,” Shaoshang said.

“Give my disciple your brain,” the master said. “He will grow strong with your knowledge. Meanwhile, you will die and return to Diyu.”

“Not exactly a selling point, old man,” Shaoshang said. “I don’t miss that heat. Or the torture. Another demon can take a turn pushing boulders and getting poked in the ass with a sharp stick, thank you very much.”

“You escaped before,” the master said. “You could do it again.”

Shaoshang stroked his chin. “Odd. You’d risk giving me another chance to take the Dragon Throne?”

“I know you can be defeated,” the master said. “It’s Dragonhand that I am not sure about.”

“Pbbbht,” Shaoshang said as he blew a raspberry. “As if this ‘Dragonhand’ could ever compare to me.”

“Maybe he can,” the master said. “Maybe he can’t. You’ll never know when you’re rotting away down here while he sits on the Dragon Throne, will you?”

Shaoshang snorted. “Damn you, Yaozu.”

“The same throne you have coveted for so long,” the master said.

“Damn you, Yaozu!” the beast repeated, louder this time.

“Think quickly,” the master said. “You have a chance to die and escape this imprisonment. Refuse and another offer will never be made again.”

“Bah,” Shaoshang grumbled.

“You will remain in captivity until the world crumbles and begins again anew,” the master said.

Shaoshang nodded. “You’ve talked me into it.”

“Good,” the master said. “Now hold still while my disciple claws out your brain.”

“Not so fast,” Shaoshang said. “Did you really think I’d give up my thinker without a fight?”

“I hoped so,” the master said. “If you win, you’ll remain in this hole forever.”

“Ahh,” Shaoshang said. “But if I win, I will have defeated an Infallible Master. That juicy victory will nourish me until the end of time.”

“Very well,” the master said. “My disciple will fight you.”

“Wait,” Junjie said. “What?”

“You will fight this vile demon and devour his brain,” the master said.

“Ahem,” Junjie said as he coughed into his hand. “Master, a word?”

“Excuse us,” the master said as he and Junjie walked into the darkness.

“Oh don’t worry about me,” Shaoshang said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Master,” Junjie said once he was away from the monster. “You didn’t think I was able to defeat Dragonhand, but now you think I stand a chance against that…thing?”
“He is chained,” the master said. “He is at a great disadvantage.”

Junjie paused for a moment before continuing. “And you’d have me eat his brain? Won’t that turn me into a brain fiend?”

“It is possible,” the master said. “But I do believe you are one of a handful of people in the world who are able to eat a brain and not succumb to temptation. The Staff of Ages would not have chosen you otherwise.”

Shaoshang’s voice traveled into the darkness. “What’s it going to be?”

“You’ll need his strength if you are to get Mei-Ling back,” the master said.

Junjie exhaled. “Fine.”

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Jan 20 2017
1 Comment
Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 33

tabletdemo

The Infallible Master reunited with Junjie and led his disciple into the deepest, darkest reaches of the forest, a place where the trees grew so tall and lush that they barely allowed any sunlight to peak through their leaves.

“There,” the master said as he pointed to a stone.

“We’ve come for a rock?” Junjie asked.

“For what is under the rock,” the master replied.

Junjie picked up the rock and cast it aside. “What now?”

A hole in the earth opened up and Junjie immediately plummeted down into a vast cavern of nothingness. “Gahhhh!”

The master floated steadily downward next to Junjie, but remained calm. As for Junjie? Not so much.

“Ahhhhhhh!” Junjie cried. “Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhh!”

“Take a deep breath, my son,” the master said.

Junjie did so, then exhaled.  He looked down. There was no end in sight. He looked back at the master. “Ahhhh!”

“You’ll want to take another deep breath now,” the master said. “And hold it…”

Sploosh! The cavern ended in a tank of water and Junjie had no choice but to barrel right into it. The hero swam downward, squinting just enough to catch a feint glimpse of the master.

The old man pointed to the bottom of the tank, where the tiger claw clan’s insignia was etched. Junjie pressed the design, causing three holes to open up. The water rushed out. As soon as the tank was drained, Junjie fell back onto the floor and caught his breath.

“A warning might have been in order,” Junjie said.

“Would you have come if I had given you one?” the master asked.

“Probably not,” Junjie answered.

A loud, deafening voice echoed up from underneath the tank.

“Who is the lowly, insignificant pig who dares wake me from my slumber by pouring water on me?”

Junjie blinked in a dumbfounded manner.

“Something else I would not have come for had I been warned about it?” Junjie asked.

“Yes,” the master replied.

The master stepped into the hole and fell a few feet before landing on a concrete slab. Though it was pitch black, Junjie trusted the master and followed.

“Or, to put it more precisely…”

“Rargh!” the voice shouted. “Yaozu, is that you?”

“…someone.”

The master led Junjie down a winding staircase.

“It is I,” the master said.

“Brought your whelp with you, have you?” the voice asked.

“My disciple,” the master said. “And the Twentieth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”

“Ooo!” the voice said in a mocking tone. “How impressive. Has there really been twenty of you buffoons already?”

“Time flies,” the master said.

“Bah,” the voice said. “Time drags.”

Junjie descended slowly, feeling out each step in the darkness, fearful that he might fall at any moment.

“Might we trouble you for a light?” the master asked.

A brief pause. “Sure. Why don’t I just cook you a feast and throw you a party while I’m at it?”

The master chuckled. “Just the light will do.”

A fireball rose out of the dark depths and found the two travelers. It followed them and lit the way as they descended the staircase.

“Who is this man?” Junjie asked.

“He is no man,” the master replied. “He is a demon.”

“Don’t be rude, Yaozu,” the voice said. “Introduce me, already. You may call me Shaoshang, boy. And you are?”

Startled, Junjie stammered out his reply. “Jah-jah-Junjie.”

“Jah-jah-Junjie?” Shaoshang asked. “Stupidest name I’ve ever heard.”

“It’s just Junjie,” Junjie said.

“Ignore his tricks,” the master said. “He will play with your mind.”

“Oh,” Shaoshang said. “‘Just Junjie’ is it? You’ll forgive me if I grow just a might impatient with your intrusion, seeing as I how I’ve been locked up down here as a falsely accused political prisoner since…since…how long has it been? I lost count after the twenty thousandth year.”

Junjie and the master continued down the winding staircase. The fireball hovered overhead.

“Many, many years ago,” the master said. “When the world was new, Shaoshang escaped from Diyu and sought to reign supreme over Earth. The First Infallible Master, the greatest warrior our clan has ever known, defeated him.”

“A lousy cheater if you ask me,” Shaoshang said.

“No one asked you,” the master said before returning his attention to his student. “Our clan’s founder was fierce but kind. He pitied his opponent so instead of killing him, he chained him up in this pit.”

“Bah,” Shaoshang said. “Wish he had killed me, even just for the change of scenery.”

“It has been the duty of every Infallible Master ever since to act as Shaoshang’s jailer,” the master said. “I would have told you about this task sooner, had Dragonhand not intervened.”

“I swear, Yaozu,” Shaoshang said. “You are like an old woman. Stop mothering the boy and bring him to me already.”

“My son?” the master asked.

“Yes?” Junjie answered.

The duo reached the last step. They walked out onto a brick floor. They pressed onward for a while until they spotted a pair of glowing eyes.

“Remember that warning you’ve been asking for?” the master asked.

The fireball zoomed through the air and landed in Shaoshang’s clutches. It grew larger and brighter until it illuminated the beast.

“Consider yourself warned,” the master said.

Junjie’s stepped back and looked up to find himself staring at a ten foot tall devil. Shaoshang’s face was blood red with streaks of blue and black throughout. A pair of ram’s horns twisted and curled their way out of his head. His red body was lean and muscular. His claws and teeth were razor sharp.

“Well now,” Shaoshang said as he stepped forward, only to be snapped back by a chain attached to an iron collar around his neck. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

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Jan 19 2017
4 Comments
Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 32

tabletdemo

Niu walked…and walked…and walked. Twenty miles later, the big man grew weary. He sat underneath a tree, closed his eyes and started to doze off. Soon, there was a rustling sound coming from the forest.

The fatalist perked up and looked around. He observed tree leaves rustling and bushes shaking on both sides of the road.

“Who’s there?” Niu asked as he stood up and walked to the center of the road.  “Show yourself!”

“Attack!” cried the Whirlwind as he brandished his club and charged at Niu. Two of the Whirlwind’s associates rushed into the road from the left side. Two more came from the right side.

Niu was surrounded. Each attacker wielded a heavy wooden club. The big man ducked and dodged with perfect timing, and returned poorly executed club swings with kicks and punches that actually connected.

Two assailants on opposite sides of the street ran toward their target. Niu stepped out of the way and the attackers slammed into each other with great comedic effect.

“Who are you people?” Niu asked.

“What?” the Whirlwind asked. “Surely, you jest.”

“I am not known for my sense of humor,” Niu said as he took out a third attacker with a well placed, heavy handed slap.

“We are the Clan of the Mediocre Yet Effective Club Bonk!” the Whirlwind said. “And I am the Whirlwind! You will bow down before my special brand of kung fu!”

Niu raised an eyebrow. He kicked the fourth attacker in the face, delivering an instant knockout. He then looked at the Whirlwind.

“You call what you are doing here ‘kung fu?’” Niu asked.

“We call it ‘club fu,’” the Whirlwind said.

Niu and the Whirlwind stared each other down as they paced back and forth.

“You can’t just hit someone over the head with a big wooden stick and call it kung fu,” Niu said.

“Why not?” the Whirlwind asked. “Who are you to say what is and is not kung fu?”

Niu sneered at the Whirlwind. “As a matter of fact, I’m…”

“Enough talk!” the Whirlwind shouted as he ran towards Niu.

Niu yawned, then stretched out the palm of his large hand. The Whirlwind ran into the palm face first. The big man’s arm created a distance so vast that the Whirlwind was not able to get anywhere near his target, but that did not stop him from flailing about wildly.

“Prepare to reap me!” the Whirlwind yelled.

“Prepare to…what?” Niu asked. “Did you just tell me to ‘rape you?’”

“What?” the Whirlwind asked as he tried to extricate his head from Niu’s grip to no avail. “No! Reap! You’re going to reap me!”

“Why would I do that?” Niu asked.

“Because I am the Whirlwind!” the Whirlwind said. “Your trespass into my territory will cause you to reap me!”

Niu sighed. “If you have to explain it, it’s not very catchy.”

The Whirlwind flailed…and flailed…and flailed. Eventually, he caught a glimpse of the tiger claw symbol on Niu’s robe. Upon seeing it, he stopped moving altogether.

Sensing his opponent was backing down, Niu released the Whirlwind.

“You are a member of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw?” the Whirlwind asked.

“Yes,” Niu replied.

The Whirlwind threw himself to the ground and kowtowed in Niu’s direction.

“I humbly beg your forgiveness and pledge my club to you,” the Whirlwind said.

Niu rolled his eyes and looked to the sky. “Master, please tell me this is not the kung fu clan you wished me to seek out.”

Poof! The Master materialized out of thin air. “It is.”

The Whirlwind looked at the ghost before him and rubbed his eyes. “Am I really seeing this?”

“These men are useless,” Niu said.

“They are all we have,” the master replied. “And you must train them to retake the Forbidden City after it falls to Dragonhand.”

“An impossible task,” Niu said.

“Impossible for anyone but a scholar with your tremendous sense of patience, my son,” the master said.

Poof! The master disappeared.

“Seriously,” the Whirlwind said. “Was that real?”

“It was,” Niu said.

“Good,” the Whirlwind said. “Between you and I, I’ve been known to partake of the forest’s special mushrooms and I thought I might have overdone it.”

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Jan 16 2017
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 30

tabletdemo

Cling, clang! Cling, clang!

“Bring out your taxes!”

Tax collector Peng rang a bell as he drove a horse drawn wagon into the center of a remote village. From the looks of the dilapidated homes, the downtrodden villagers didn’t have much to give.

Three armor clad guards sat in the back of the wagon, keeping a watch on a bountiful haul. The tax man had been making collections throughout the countryside all day, and though few individuals had much to give, their contributions had added up significantly.

Barrels filled with gold, silver and sparkly gems. Bags of wheat, rice and grain. Candlesticks, trinkets, priceless family heirlooms.

Peng rang the bell again. “Time to pay your taxes!”

An old woman hobbled out of her house and waved her cane at the collector. “Robber! Thief! Villain! You already collected twice last week!”

“The Emperor may collect as early and often as he wishes,” Peng replied. “Shut your mouth and know your place, crone!”

The old gal tossed her last gold coin at the collector. He caught it.

“I hope you choke on it,” the old lady said as she walked back into her house.

The villagers poured out of their homes and formed an orderly line, waiting patiently for Peng to accept their goods.

“Ahh, very nice,” Peng said as a middle aged farmer turned over a bag of wheat.

The collector moved down the line, accepting all manner of riches until he stopped in front of three villagers who were covered head to toe in hooded robes.

“You dare hide your faces in front of your better?” Peng asked.

The hoods dropped. The men opened the robes to reveal they were holding giant wooden clubs.

Bonk…bonk…bonk…bonk! The attackers worked fast, clubbing the daylights out of Peng and his guards, knocking them out and sending them to the ground.

One of the attackers was a young man with long hair pulled back behind his head in a bun and a pencil thin mustache. “You’ve just reaped the Whirlwind,” he said to an unconscious Peng.

The Whirlwind looked to his men. “Return the goods. Don’t forget to take our fee.”

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Jan 11 2017
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Part 5 – Advisor Zhen

tabletdemo

The Infallible Master informs General Tsang of Dragonhand’s incoming attack.  The corrupt and arrogant Advisor Zhen has a good laugh.

Chapter 26          Chapter 27        Chapter 28          Chapter 29

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Jan 10 2017
4 Comments
Uncategorized, Zom Fu

Zom Fu Book Cover

Behold, 3.5 readers, the book cover for Zom Fu in all of its brain yanking glory.

Now I just need to finish writing the book.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

coverfinal

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Jan 08 2017
1 Comment
Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 29

karate-312472_1280

Advisor Zhen and Captain Yuen laughed…and laughed…and laughed. They were doubled over with tears in their eyes.

“Undead men,” the advisor said.

“Coming to eat the Emperor’s brain!” the captain added.

General Tsang stood silently, waiting for the guffaws to dissipate.

“Oh,” Advisor Zhen said as he wiped the tears away from his eyes. “I’m sorry, general. This sounds like a serious matter. Tell me who informed you of this impending attack again.”

“I have already told you,” the general said.

“No,” the advisor said as he put a hand up to his ear. “Please. I didn’t hear you the first time.”

The general sighed. “The ghost of the Nineteenth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”

Advisor Zhen and Captain Yuen doubled over again. “The ghost…of the…BAH HA HA HA HA!”

General Tsang’s blood boiled. He lost his cool. “You know damn well this is all true. You have ignored my warnings about Dragonhand for twenty years and now your incompetence will cost this land greatly!”

The advisor’s mood changed for the worse. “Watch your tone, General.”

“Our previous Emperor was a good man,” the General said. “But he will was weak and he relied on you to take care of everything. For decades, I looked the other way as you plundered the countryside with your outrageous taxes, most of which go directly into your pocket. I have never interfered with your schemes, scams, and tricks and yet you have interfered with my position time and time again. This is all your fault, Zhen.”

“My fault?” Advisor Zhen said. “How exactly have you arrived at such an absurd conclusion?”

“Years ago, I proposed that the Imperial Army take Dragonhand on directly,” the general said. “You got in the way. You whispered in the previous Emperor’s ear and convinced him to order me to stand down.”

“That was the proper course of action then as it is now,” the advisor said.

“Bah,” the general said. “All that fat is choking your brain.”

The advisor slammed his fist down on the armrest of the Dragon Throne. “We do not get involved in matters of kung fu!”

“There are no matter of kung fu left to get involved in,” General Tsang said. “You sat back and did nothing. Now the last clan has been slaughtered.”

“And good riddance to it!” the advisor said. “The kung fu clans were old relics of a long forgotten era. Filthy drunkards and over zealous ne’er-do-wells who sat around all day practicing their fancy punches.”

“I never knew them to be anything but respectable,” the general said. “They came to the Imperial Army’s aid more times than I can remember.”

“If they actually cared about their country they would have abandoned their nonsensical ways and joined the Imperial Army,” Advisor Zhen said. “Back flips and high kicks are the past. Iron and steel are the future.”

“But…”

“General,” the advisor said. “If Dragonhand’s clan had some sort of falling out with the rest of the clans, what business is it of ours?”

“The Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite was never officially recognized as a reputable clan by the other kung fu clans,” the general said. “Dragonhand is a criminal and now that his kung fu opponents have been destroyed, he has set his sights on the Dragon Throne.”

“Then let him come for it,” the advisor said.  “This city has survived attacks before.”

“Never from an enemy like this,” General Tsang said. “Dragonhand has eaten the brains of every kung fu master in China and henow wields an unfathomable amount of fighting knowledge.”

“Will you listen to yourself?” Advisor Zhen asked. “‘Brain eating.’ Please. The man’s obviously just some kind of psychotic cannibal who spooked a bunch of backward thinking kung fu fighters and sadly, this hysteria has even invaded your mind, General.”

“I know how ridiculous this all sounds,” General Tsang said. “I wouldn’t have embarrassed myself so many times by imploring you to do something low these many years if I didn’t think the situation was critical.”

Advisor Zhen sighed. “Have you ever seen one of these brain eaters in person?”

“No,” General Tsang said.

“Of course you haven’t,” Advisor Zhen said.

“But I have seen heart eaters,” the general said.

Advisor Zhen raised an eyebrow. “I beg your pardon?”

“Vampires,” General Tsang said. “Japan is rife with them. They pose as ordinary humans, no different than you or I but in secret, they consume hearts and harbor an unquenchable thirst for blood. I encountered a group of them in my youth while conducting an espionage mission. I was captured by them. The things they did…the things I saw…I carry those horrific memories with me everywhere I go. I was lucky to escape with my life.”

Advisor Zhen shook his head. “These are the ravings of an opium fiend.”

“If the brain biters are even half as deadly as the heart eaters…”

The advisor cut the general off. “Captain Yuen.”

“Yes?” the captain asked.

“Please bring an end to this tedious conversation,” the advisor said. “As commander of the Imperial Guard, you have the final say in all matters of the Emperor’s security. You’ve heard the general’s concerns about a supposed invasion by a rogue kung fu clan which may or may not, but most likely is not…

“…it is,” the general interrupted.

“It most likely is not comprised of so-called undead brain biters,” the advisor said. “Do you believe any additional precautions are required to ensure the Emperor’s safety?”

Captain Yuen was a rugged yet good looking man in his late thirties. He stroked his chin and thought about the question for a moment, then answered, “No.”

“Come now,” General Tsang said. “Let me dispatch a unit and we will take the Emperor to the mountains, far away from here.”

“General,” Captain Yuen said. “Though I find your stories of brain biters and heart eaters to be incredible, I have always found your reputation to be nothing but credible. I am certain you believe Dragonhand to be a formidable enemy. I am sure he is and any plans he has for insurrection are to be taken seriously. However, there is no place safer for the Emperor to be than the Forbidden City.  Our walls are high.  Your men are battle tested.  My men are rigorously trained.”

The general threw the captain a disgusted look, then gestured to the advisor. “So this pig has gotten to you too?”

Captain Yuen grew furious. “Your place is on the wall and everywhere beyond it. My place is anywhere within the Forbidden City. I will remain in my place, general. I suggest you return to yours.”

“Ungh,” the general grunted.

Advisor Zhen flicked his wrist towards the general, shooing him away. “You heard the man. Ta ta!”

General Tsang pointed a finger at the advisor. “Mark my words, Zhen. When that boy is old enough to understand all of the treacherous crimes you have committed, he will get an earful from me and I swear to you when that day comes, there will be a reckoning.”

Advisor Zhen smiled. “Yes, well…until that day…ta ta.”

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Jan 08 2017
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Uncategorized, Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 28

karate-312472_1280

General Tsang entered the Emperor’s throne room, a wondrous place where the walls were lined with gold and red columns stretched to the ceiling. He climbed a set of steps and took in the sight of the illustrious Dragon Throne, a magnificent seat adorned with carvings of the legendary fire breathing lizards.

The general waited patiently and did his best to choke down his bile as he observed Advisor Zhen’s rotund posterior parked in a place normally reserved for the country’s leader. To the left and right of the throne stood two stoic members of the Imperial Guard, each clad in traditional blue and white uniforms with red plumes coming out of the tops of their helmets.

Off to the far left stood Captain Yuen, Commander of the Imperial Guard. Tsang and Yuen traded respectful nods.

A boney old farmer in dirty rags groveled before the advisor. He looked as though he hadn’t eaten in weeks. Meanwhile, the advisor wore green robes sewn from the finest fabric. His neck and fingers were decorated in enough jewelry to feed the old man, his family, his village, and a hundred other villages into perpetuity.

“Please, noble advisor,” the old man said. “The taxes you have imposed…they are too great.”

Two beauties stood near the advisor. One waved a fan towards the fat man’s face while the other periodically plucked grapes and popped them into the chubby bureaucrat’s gob.

“You don’t wish to help your country?” the advisor asked.

“Oh no, sir,” the old man said. “It’s just that…the children. They are wasting away.”

A beauty popped a grape into the advisor’s mouth. It was quickly gobbled. “I see. Then you do not wish to help your Emperor?”

“No,” the farmer said. “It’s not that at all. Please, Advisor Zhen, you must understand the people of my village, they toil in the fields day and night, working themselves to the bone and yet they have nothing to show for it. Your tax collectors take it all and yet they continue to harass us, telling us we owe more.”

“Well then,” Advisor Zhen said between grape chomps. “I suggest that you do as they say and pay them more.”

The frustration on the old farmer’s face was palpable. “But we have no more!”

Advisor Zhen hoisted his heft upward and looked down on the peasant. “Why do you bore me with such lies?”

The farmer was bewildered by the accusation. “Sir?”

“If your life is as difficult as you say it is, then surely you would not have time to assail my ears with your tedious whining,” Advisor Zhen said. “You’d be out foraging for berries or eating dirt before you’d come to me with this nonsense.”

“But we have done that,” the old man said.

Advisor Zhen shooed the farmer away with a flick of his wrist. “Whatever your village’s taxes were before, considered them…doubled.”

The old man clutched his chest. “Sir?”

“Do you want them to be tripled?” Advisor Zhen asked.

The old man shook his head. “No! Please, sir, no.”

The advisor leaned back on the throne and focused on his next grape. “Away with you, wretch. Do not return with such contrived tales of woe again.”

“Yes sir,” the old man said. He bowed, then turned and hurried out of the throne room.

“Now then,” the advisor said as he slapped his hands together and rubbed them, then looked to his beauties. “Who wants to play a game of slap and tickle?”

The beauties giggled. General Tsang cleared his throat to grab the pig’s attention.

“Oh,” Advisor Zhen said. “Someone left a pile of shit in a suit of armor on my doorstep. What is it, Tsang?”

Tsang stepped forward. “If you can take a break from testing the bolts in the Emperor’s throne with your corpulent ass, I need a word.”

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Jan 07 2017
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Uncategorized, Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 27

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After the master filled the general in on the previous evening’s details, the general sighed in disbelief.

“News of the Clan of the Mystifying Monkey Slap’s demise had made its way to me,” the general said.  “But the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw is now gone?  I never thought I would live to see the day.”

“And yet,” the master said.  “Here we are.  As we speak, Dragonhand marches north.  He’s stronger and more powerful than ever.  He wields the Staff of Ages ad he will not stop until the Forbidden City is sacked and the Emperor’s brain is devoured.  Surely now Advisor Zhen will listen to reason.”

“Blast that dirty mongrel’s wretched hide,” the general said.  “I have warned him about Dragonhand for two decades but he has always refused to take action.  The Emperor is as beguiled by him as his father was.”

“You must make him listen to reason,” the master said.

The general nodded.  “I will try, but I have always felt that I deserve an honorable place in Heaven for not gutting that pig years ago.  He is as thick-headed as he is arrogant.”

General Tsang laid his hands on the stone wall.  “Damned brain biters.  Do you think they are in league with the Japanese heart eaters?”

“Not that I know of,” the master said.  “Though it pains me to think of how the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, a move developed as a last resort in an overall strategy of self-defense, has been corrupted in the name of evil.”

General Tsang drew his sword, took a knee, and rested his head on the hilt.  “I swear on my sword I will give my life before I allow the Emperor’s brain to be eaten, old friend.”

“I know you will protect him,” the master replied.  “I must take my leave now, for I have dispatched my last two remaining disciples on missions in furtherance of Dragonhand’s defeat.  Take care, General.”

Poof!  The general was all alone.

“Advisor Zhen,” General Tsang muttered.  “I hate it when I have to speak to that fool.”

 

 

 

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