Bookshelf Battle

Hello.

Truly, the web’s wisest nerd.

I’m World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies, and Assorted Cultural Happenings and Champion Yeti Fighter, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Today, I’d like to talk to you about love.

I’m not talking about love of cookies or love of baseball.

I’m talking about that sustainable love that fulfills your life and makes it better.

For your reading pleasure, I’ll divide this massive concept into bite size pieces:

ONLINE DATING

3.5 readers, online dating is a wonderful thing.  For you shy types to scared to walk up to a gal and introduce yourself (or you wise types who fear that walking up to a stranger at random and introducing yourself will lead to a bottle of mace in the face and a restraining order), dating websites are a great way to meet people.

But, like most technological advancements, there is a downside.

Many moons ago, online dating didn’t exist.  So people just met other people, you know, just like out in the open.  Maybe they’d find someone in college, or at work, or at some type of social gathering.

The point is that it used to be hard to find someone, and it was even harder to find a replacement for that someone.  Thus, if that someone made a minor faux paus like break wind in your general vicinity, take the last slice of pizza before offering it to you first, or try to sell you into the harem of an Arabian businessman, you’d cut the guy a break because, you’d think, “Holy Crap, do I really have to walk up to someone at a social gathering and say hello to some jerkface for the SECOND time in my life?”

Online dating has changed all that.  You’ve got these websites that act as de facto people catalogs and you don’t really learn much about a potential mate.

There’s a picture and a few paragraphs.  And most people put their best foot forward.  They find that one shot that makes them look like a supermodel.  They write some nonsense about how they spend their free time helping starving orphans and finding a cure for cancer.  Then you meet this person and said individual looks like a shaved Yeti and worse, has barely cracked the cancer code.

“Yeah.  I’m almost there if I can just figure out where to plug in this variable, my ass.”

Here’s the problem.  If online dating has made it easier to find someone, then, by the powers of the transitive property, it is easier to find a replacement for your current someone and therefore, wait for it…

EASIER TO DUMP SOMEONE!

“Ugh! We’re through!”

Ladies, be honest.  If your dream man lets one rip in your presence, you’re jumping on Match.com in 3.5 seconds to see who you can replace him with, aren’t you?

“Oooh!  He likes like a non-farter!”

Men, you’re doing the same thing.  Admit it.  Your lady isn’t down for a bit of the old slap and tickle one night and your brain automatically goes to that place where you assume that your manly needs will never be met again and WORSE that there is a bevy of bodacious online dating site chicks who’d break down your door and have their way with you IF ONLY this dang headache having wife wasn’t in the way.

Listen to me.  I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler.  I’m a man who built a website with 3.5 readers so I know what I’m talking about.

Don’t get on that hamster wheel.

Men.  Women.  Give your significant other a break.

Ladies, that dude you dump your current man for is going to fart in your general direction one day too.

Dudes, that woman you leave your current woman for is going to have a headache once in awhile also.  She might even end up having more headaches than your current lady.  She might even be a world class farter.

Your entire life could descend into one smelly headache having mess.  You’ll end up yearning for the days of your only once in awhile headache having ex.

We humans have a tendency to always, ALWAYS believe the grass is greener on the other side, BUT every lawn has a brown batch, or some mud, or a gopher hole.  No lawn is perfect.

Sometimes I wish we were back in the days when people cared about their lawns.  People would say, “Well, hell, I wish I had a nice lush green lawn but damn it, this lawn’s always been there for me and I can’t find another lawn so I’m going to trim and water this darling lawn of mine forever because I love her, damn it.”

(For the record, we’re talking about mates, not lawns.)

The media is partially to blame for this.  They’re filling our stupid heads full of fantasies and suggestions that there are perfect women who are always down for the slap and tickle and men who never fart.  When that romantic comedy is over, you never see the behind the scenes action where dream girl and hunky stud fart all over the place, sounding like a couple of ducks with Tourette’s Syndrome.

But, it’s up to YOU to ignore that media nonsense and cut your loved one a break when he or she do not totally meet your expectations.

Before closing, allow me to preemptively respond to anticipated to this anticipated criticism:

So I should stay with someone who has turned into a total a-hole?

No.  Of course not.  Ladies, don’t stay with an abusive man who’s pulling a Sugar Ray Leonard on your money maker.

Dudes, don’t stick around with a woman who’s spending all your money on tacky crap for herself and playing the old slap and tickle with various other dudes behind your back.

There are a whole host of major, serious problems that your special someone might develop where you should, by all means, put on your running shoes and do the 50 meter dash straight out the door.

What I’m saying is, if someone has a minor problem, nobody’s perfect.  People make mistakes.  Sometimes people say the wrong thing.  Sometimes people forget things that seem important.  Sometimes people can’t do and/or be everything you dreamed of.

And yes, sometimes people do fart.

BOTTOMLINE – If you spend your whole life searching for perfection, you won’t find it, unless you can talk your spouse into using a cork.

For the Tao of Bookshelf, this has been Bookshelf Q. Battler.  Thanks for stopping by the Bookshelf Battle Blog.  Put your feet up.  Make yourself at home and most importantly, click on some buttons and shit.

Attorney Donnelly advises the author is a man claiming to own a magic bookshelf, so take any advice at your own risk and with a grain of salt.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.