By: Uncle Hardass, Grumpy Old Man Correspondent
Hello again you 3.5 unwashed hippy weasels.
Mother of God, my last column went viral. Of course, in the parlance of Bookshelf Q. Battler, my good for nothing nephew, “going viral” means a post gets 20.5 readers. It doesn’t take much for that dufus to pop a champagne cork.
Don’t you people have jobs? This is what you do with your lives? Read articles on a blog published by a jackass? Yeesh. No wonder the Japanese are beating us. Japanese kids wake up every morning at four a.m. and complete seventy-eight complex math problems before breakfast. How much long division have you done today?
You want complaints? Good, ‘cuz I got ’em.
Do you know what really puts the butter on my yams? When I walk into a McDonalds, ready for my Big Mac, and there’s some ignorant brain donor standing there, pouring over the menu like its the goddamn Zapruder film, trying to figure out what the hell he wants.
NEWSFLASH DINGUS! THEY’VE HAD THE SAME BULLSHIT ON THE MENU SINCE NINETEEN HUNDRED AND F%$KING FIFTY FIVE!
Hamburgers, chicken nuggets, and French fries, jerkface! That’s all they’ve got! THAT’S ALL THEY’VE GOT!
No, if you stare at that menu a little longer they’re not going to come up with a McFilet Mignon.
They aren’t going to whip up a pot of McSpaghetti for you and you want a bet? Here’s a bet for you. If you ever walk into a McDonald’s and walk out with a McBaked Alaska, I will personally chop off my own butt and mail it to Barbados.
THAT, 3.5 readers, is how absolutely, positively, one-hundred percent sure I am that McDonald’s is not going to ever, EVER deviate from the hamburger, chicken nugget, French fry trifecta that has been making them billions and clogging bazillions more arteries since the middle half of the last century.
They even put it on the sign. Right under the golden arches! “OVER A HUNDRED BILLION SERVED.” I think they stopped counting at a hundred billion. Over a hundred billion people have walked into McDonalds, ordered a hamburger, and walked out, but there will still always be a dirty mouth breather ahead of me who has no clue what he wants.
Take a guess from one of the three items on the menu, jackass! You’ve got a 33.33 % chance of getting it right!
Does McDonalds even put a burgers served count on their sign anymore? I don’t even know what they put under the arches now. I don’t pay attention because I don’t have to because when I go there I’m hungry and I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT!
So listen, Johnny Assclown, if you are able to walk into a McDonald’s and not immediately know whether you want A) a hamburger, B) a box of chicken nuggets or C) an order of French fries then please step aside and take all the time you need to mull over this question of the ages so hard working people can put their order in and get back to their job at the salt mines.
Sorry 3.5 readers. I just get emotional about this subject. While I’m ranting, here are some other issues that really scrape my barnacles:
- People who say “it is what it is” as if they’re the greatest philosopher to walk the Earth since Jean Paul Sartre. You know what your face is? Your butt. Your face is what your butt is because they’re one and the same and they both look exactly identical.
- Selfie sticks. I cannot believe that there are so many people taking photographs of their stupid degenerate faces that a device was invented to allow them to take self portraits on their own. Listen dorkus malorkus, I hate to break it to you, but if you don’t have one friend willing to take your picture, thus leaving you reaching for a stick to do the job, then no one is going to look at a photo of your big head anyway.
- Does anyone know why school grades go, “A, B, C, D…F?” Excuse me, but what the “F” happened to E? Why do I, a grumpy old man, have to be the one to tell a bunch of educators that the alphabet goes, “A, B, C, D, E ?” Someone, somewhere in the educational system made the conscious decision to skip “E” and go straight to “F” and if you ask me, it’s probably so they could secretly tell dumb kids to go “F” themselves, which in theory, might be a good character building exercise, but in reality, it’s completely unnecessary since life is going to be telling those kids all the time once they’re out in the world. They don’t need to get it from their teachers too.
- When I’m stuck in line behind that waste of space who insists on asking the teenage kid making minimum wage 9,788 questions about something she’s buying. And it’s never something important either. This lady (sorry, but it’s always an old lady) is buying a damn bag of Chex Mix and yet with all the questions she’s asking, you’d think she was investing in her own nuclear reactor. “Is this spicy? How much sodium per bag? What’s the ratio of pretzels to rye chips?” Holy Shit, lady, it’s a bag of Chex Mix! Buy it or don’t but the world will not end either way!
- Ear buds. I hate these things. I miss ear phones. When did society get together and decide music must be pumped directly into your ear canal? Like that’s good for you. But they’re not that bad when you get used to them. What really puts the slack in my sack is when I put a pair of ear buds in my pocket, take a walk, and some how while they were in my pocket, they managed to get tied up in an intricate series of knots that you require an advanced degree in mechanical engineering to get the whole kit and kaboodle straightened out again. It’s like a damn gremlin crawled into my pocket and twisted these things together. Gremlins are such assholes.
- People who stop and hold the door for me when I’m a mile a way. Look weirdo, it’s great you’re trying to be polite and all, but unless I’m right behind you, there’s no need to hold the door open so don’t expect me to run like I’m training for a marathon just because no one sent you the memo declaring that chivalry is dead.
That’s all I’ve got for today, 3.5 nitwits. Knock off the blogging nonsense and get a job today. The salt mines are always hiring.
Is there something that puts the cream in your cheese? Share your complaints in the comments. Or don’t. What do I care?
Whatever you do, please stop encouraging my nephew. Writing is for losers, smarmy intellectuals, and other assorted schmucks.