PRO: They’d have something to eat.
CON: They might get fat.
PRO: They’d have something to eat.
CON: They might get fat.
Hey 3.5 readers.
I know. It’s not good to idolize the past. Sometimes it’s hard to watch an old TV show like “Leave it to Beaver” and think the 1950s were awesome only to realize that yeah, they were only awesome for Ward and people like Ward and no one else.
So, all that’s a given. We’re all glad for improvements in equality, civil rights, etc.
Here’s two things I wish had remained:
#1 – Clothing – People, and I don’t care how rich or poor they were, where they were from, their background, ethnicity, race, profession, religion or what have you, dressed up whenever they did anything. A trip to the grocery store required a suit. People always wanted to look their best.
Some of that is because there weren’t many options to dress down. T-shirts with funny sayings on them hadn’t been invented yet.
I’m willing to hear some criticism of this. Dressing up probably wasn’t fun for women if it involved long gowns with all kinds of parts and straps and iron bars and shit. And maybe a suit for a trip to the store is a bit much.
Surely, there could be some modern compromise that captures the idea that to be out of your house means to look your best and it’s easier to be less formal. Tell you what, how about suits are only necessary for jobs that require them but maybe a nice polo shirt over that “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt, OK?
Look, I’m not one to talk. I look like I wake up everyday, dive into the hamper and just walk out wearing whatever stuck to me.
Another thing that sucks is a lack of headwear. Fedoras were awesome and should still be wearable today as a real look and not as a proclamation of hipsterism. You know what looks stupid? Wearing a baseball cap for any other reason than you are a baseball player or some other kind of athlete. Or maybe you want to have a head covering while you are active, keep the wind out of your hair or the sun off your head without something bulky. I get that.
However, the fedora was like a fancy suit for a man’s head. And ladies had some fancy hats – dresses for their heads. I really think we should bring back the hats.
Know why? Past people understood a) not everyone has good hair and b) not every person with good hair has a good hair day. You got the locks? Let them flow on a Friday night. You don’t? Don’t worry. Pop on a fancy hat.
I said fancy hat. Not your “I Honk for Titties” trucker cap, you pervert.
The second thing I wish had remained from the past are the hobbies. TV wasn’t as prevalent, so people…read! They actually read. And they played games…and talked. They played music. People would gather around a piano and sing while someone played. People knew how to play instruments and shit because they relaxed by learning how to play them because TV wasn’t the giant time suck it is today.
You can still do all these things today but you need to be more disciplined and sigh…shut that tv off.
I know I said two but I thought of a third thing – food. People did eat a lot of bacon and drank a lot of whole milk and they smoke and drank a lot and didn’t understand all the health ramifications of bad food.
Today, info about bad food is prevalent….but it’s much more available so we stuff it in our cakeholes and hope for the best. Processed foods, fast food…shit in olden times, June would just bake Ward a cook turkey.
Do we need a debate over who cooks the turkey? No. I don’t care if June cooks it, or Ward, or hell tell Wally and the Beaver to get off their dumb asses and cook it. I’m just saying, people used to cook their own food more and I think they were healthier for it.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal BQB here.
California, that dopey state full of dopey people (unless you read this blog then I love you and you’re not included) has passed a law, the basic summary of which is if you’re a waiter and you hand out a straw without being asked for one, you could get a fine up to $1000 or 6 months in jail.
Let’s unpack this. I assume the concern is a) all other problems in California have been solved and the legislature can now put all of its focus into the great straw catastrophe and b) straws are not really a necessity (at least for most people) and therefore if they are passed out only when asked for, there might be a reduction in straw plastic being thrown away.
First, I mean, holy shit, a fine or jail? Look people. Jail sucks. The government shouldn’t be creating new ways to throw people into jail over piddily shit. Can you imagine the conversation on the cell block?
PRISONER A: Whaddya in for?
PRISONER B: I was the chainsaw maniac serial killer on the news. I chainsawed 50 people to death. How about you?
PRISONER A: I was a mob hitman. I whacked over a thousand people. Hey you, what are you in for?
FORMER WAITER TURNED PRISONER C: I gave a straw to a customer even though he didn’t ask me for one.
PRISONER A: OH MY GOD!
PRISONER B: You make me sick!
At any rate, prison time should really be reserved for major crimes so I mean, you know locking people up or fining them or putting anything on their criminal record over a straw is crazy.
You might think this won’t be rabidly enforced but I mean, all it takes is for one uppity person to run to the cops and be all like, “He gave me a straw without asking!” And then what’s that trial going to be like? Five days of lawyers and witnesses and a judge re-enacting an alleged straw handoff?
Second, paper straws do exist. I’ve used them and they aren’t that bad. If plastic straws are that concerning, they could tell restaurants they have to use paper straws.
Third, there has to be a reason why restaurant drinks always come with straws in the first place. It’s got to be a sanitation thing. If you have customers just putting their mouth germs on the straw and then the straw is easily flicked into the trash, maybe that lessens the spread of bacteria for say, a dishwasher who would otherwise be handling hundreds of glasses that were drunk directly from all day.
Plus, you’ve got these cups being drank from by tons of people everyday…and they’re being handled by waiters all day…I’m sure the dishwasher probably kills most germs but the straw just adds an extra little layer. I mean, if there’s serious germs in that cup, will the straw stop it? Probably not but still.
In theory, I do wonder about all the excess waste that restaurants and especially fast food joints produce. Every drink you get a plastic cup, a bag or a box your food goes in, you eat for a few minutes then that all goes in the trash but unfortunately I just don’t see another way.
I just think that jail time for a straw infraction is a bit much. The threat of jail should be used sparingly. I have a feeling in the next year there are going to be a lot of waiters and waitresses whose disgruntled exes are going to be shouting, “He/she gave me a straw! An unasked for straw!”
Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal BQB here.
Apparently, every problem in Switzerland has been solved because lawmakers there have banned the practice of boiling lobsters while they are still alive. I have no idea why this was a big concern.
I can only assume some Swiss scientist somewhere was really concerned that the lobsters go through a very traumatic experience while they are being boiled. Their whole entire little lobster lives flash before their beady little eyes – their lobster childhoods spent playing stickball, their first date to the lobster prom, their lobster marriages, the birth of their lobster children, even their lobster divorces.
Some say if you listen closely, you can even hear them shout out all of their regrets. Why, I once boiled a lobster and he was such a big guy that he was left with an entire hour to regale me with a story about “the one who got away.” He was a foreign lobster exchange student. She was a French lobster coquette. Their lobster parents despised one another and oh, how he wished he’d stood up to his domineering lobster father just once and embraced his one and only chance at true love.
Poor guy. He was so bitter I had to dip him in extra butter. :::rimshot:::
Anyway, long story short, if you are Swiss (and my condolences if you are) you now must murder your lobster before you boil it, so without further ado, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Ways to Murder A Lobster to Death in the Wake of Switzerland’s Ban on Boiling Lobsters.
#10 – Firing Squad
Blindfold the lobster, line him up against the wall, pop a cigarette in his mouth and hand out rifles to all kitchen staff. Only one rifle has a live round so staff can comfort themselves with the possibility that they did not fire the lethal shot.
#9 – Hanging
Construct a tiny gallows on every table in every seafood restaurant. What a fun family activity this will be. Mom can tie a little noose around the little guy’s neck. Dad can read the lobster his last rites. Junior can pull the lever and the entire family can watch as the little crustacean twists and wiggles and sputters until his last breath.
I’m sure there’s room for scientific debate here. Is it possible to even hang a lobster with all that armor?
#8 – Lobster War
Bribe greedy politicians to declare war on the lobster population of a foreign country. Draft domestic lobsters to go overseas to fight and die in a pointless, unpopular war. Enjoy the tasty lobster flesh as the lobster military industrial complex is promulgated into perpetuity.
#7 – Lobster Drive-By
Find some aspiring, up and coming street gangsters who want to increase their street cred. Put the lobster tank in the window and when you hear the words, “Break yo-self, lobster!” it’s time to eat.
#6 – Lobster Electric Chair
I feel like that’s just as problematic as boiling the lobsters. Either way, they’re being cooked alive.
#5 – Lobster Guillotine
Dress the lobsters up as 19th Century French royalty. Give them powdered wigs and crowns, paint their faces white and give them elaborate, frilly clothing. Place their heads on the chopping block and voila! Viva la revolucion!
Will this work if the lobsters aren’t dressed as French royalty? Yes. Will it be as fun? I mean, if you were having fun doing this anyway, you were a sick person to begin with. Seriously, shame on you for even reading this far.
#4 – Lobster Hitmen
Hire two highly trained assassins to whack the lobsters when they least suspect it. These can be human or lobster assassins. Bonus points if you hire lobsters to hit the other lobsters and dress the hit lobsters as Vincent and Jules from “Pulp Fiction.”
Double bonus points if you train one of the lobsters to give the “Path of the Righteous Lobster” speech.
Ahem. The path of the righteous lobster is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyrannies of evil lobsters…
#3 – Lobster Lethal Injection
You could poison the lobster but then, who would want to eat a poisoned lobster? I mean, then again, people who eat lobsters are willingly licking their lips at a plate containing the dead carcass of what appears to be a giant mutant space cockroach so, those people will probably eat anything.
At any rate, my lawyer tells me this is a bad idea so no one should do it. Actually, no one should do or read anything on this blog ever at any time ever at all.
#2 – Lobster Explosion
Give the lobster an explosive device with twenty seconds on the counter and a pair of wire cutters. Red? Green? Will the lobster pick the right one? And why give him wire cutters when he has pinchers? Heck, if the lobster saves the day, give him a reprieve.
#1 – Lobster Suicide
Ridicule the lobster. Get him fired from his lobster job. Show him pictures of his lobster wife having hot, steamy lobster sex with his lobster best friend. Tell him his lobster kids are calling his lobster friend daddy now.
Ruin his lobster finances. Drive him into lobster bankruptcy. Leave him with no hope and then leave him on the edge of the counter. Walk away and I mean…if the little guy leaps to his doom, well, that’s a tragedy but is it made any better by letting all that delicious lobster meat go to waste?
Then again, you’d be eating something that fell on the floor, so, eww…
Stuffing for me.
I know how that sounds. “Phrasing,” as Archer would say.
Oh well. I love to stuff myself with stuffing. Put all the stuffing into my belly.
What is your favorite Thanksgiving food, 3.5 readers?
Hey 3.5 readers.
Hodor was in a KFC commercial. Just as “hold the door” became “Hodor,” so too does “chicken with fries” become “chicken with rice.”
Happy Saturday, 3.5 readers.
Have you heard the news? Amazon has just bought Whole Foods for $13.4 billion dollars.
My first reaction? If Bezos has that kind of loot at his disposal, why the hell did he need to take 64 cents out of my 99 cent sale, literally the one and only copy I’ve sold of my book in over a week of it being online?
(Just kidding. This dog doesn’t bite the hand that feeds him, even if it is a tiny piece of kibble at this point. I wuv you Jeffykins!)
You might think this is just an interesting business deal but it’s much more.
Amazon didn’t just buy a chain of food stores. They, in essence, bought a whole shit ton of buildings that will serve as good regional distribution centers which means, yup…you’re sitting on your computer late at night, you think a nice lobster and a gallon of milk would be delicious right about now.
Just click on that button and wham-o…some dude will show up at your doorstep with a lobster and milk, both delivered in time to avoid spoilage.
I mean, the Jeffmeister doesn’t clue me in on what he’s up to but I assume that’s where this deal is headed.
Many food store chain stocks took a dive because of this news.
Do you think this is good or bad, 3.5 readers?
On one hand, I’d hate to see brick and mortar grocery stores go out of business. Perhaps they will always be around because a lot of people will still want to squeeze that melon to see if it’s ripe before they buy it.
I mean, really, who doesn’t like to squeeze a ripe melon? Am I right? Huh? :::rimshot:::
On the other hand, sometimes I waste so much time in grocery stores. You have to fight for parking. You have to find a cart. You have to roam around the aisles until you find what you want. Usually there’s some blue haired old broad standing right in the spot I need to be and I’ll have to wait an hour before she moves just so I can get my hands on my hemorrhoid cream. Extra-strength for extra itchiness!
Then you’ve got to wait in line. You’ve got to check out. Something will inevitably not have a price on it so some kid will have to go roam the whole store until he finds the price and everyone grumbles at you because you’re holding up the line.
Then you get home. You have to haul all the bags into your house. You’ll do that thing where you come super close to breaking all the bones in your hands just so you can carry extra bags to avoid making additional trips between your kitchen and your car.
Meanwhile, all the d-bags in your house will see you struggling with the groceries and they won’t lift a finger to help. You’ll resent them because they’ll still eat the food you brought home even though they didn’t help you bring it in. God, your family is a bunch of butt monkeys but you still love them.
So…yeah…I gotta be honest. The idea of being able to sit at my computer, click off all the food I want on a website, and then some dude brings it to my house for me sounds pretty sweet.
I don’t know if they’ll completely tank grocery stores altogether in the near future. Some may remain. Some may modernize and start their own online delivery services. But, yeah, in the near future, Amazon is going to take a big chunk out of the grocery biz.
Will that mean anything for us aspiring writers? Maybe we can forego monetary profit and just ask readers to send us a jar of pickles from Amazon in exchange for all the books they download from us on…Amazon.
Of course, Amazon will take 64 percent of the pickles (or 30 if you ask for 2.99 worth of pickles, but not more than 9.99 worth of pickles).
FYI I hate pickles. It’s like a witch doctor took a cucumber and did a spell on it to make it shrink.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal BQB here.
Australian millionaire Tim Gurner, himself a millennial, has been quoted in the media (this Time Magazine article, for example) as, and I’m paraphrasing here, that millennials aren’t becoming homeowners to the extend that previous generations did because they essentially spend their money on crap. They go out to eat too much, they take too many expensive vacations to Europe, they buy too many lattes and too many pieces of avocado toast.
Personally, I’m aghast that I’m behind the times because I never knew that avocado toast was even a thing.
Regardless, those wacky millennials took to the Twittosphere (where, shameless plug, you can follow me @bookshelfbattle) to mock Gurner, cracking jokes along the lines of who knew that all their problems could be solved by cutting back on avocado toast.
Typical snarky millenials. Argh, I just want to channel Uncle Hardass and shake my fist at them in an impotent manner while shouting, “Get off my lawn, hippies!”
Or, hipsters, as is the modern parlance.
I do understand the point millennials are making. The economy took a big hit in 2008 but honestly, it’s been pretty stagnant since 2000.
Meanwhile, a college education has never been more expensive, yet a college degree has never been less relevant as more and more people have degrees and yet they are pitting themselves against each other for fewer and fewer jobs.
So yeah. Add to that mix the fact that property values are high and yup…you can’t really blame people who are pissed that they’re living in Mom and Dad’s house well into adulthood for being told all their problems result from that piece of avocado toast…or a latte…or insert your favorite comforting thing you buy that you know you spend too much money on here.
On the other hand, I’m going to side with Gurner. Life sucks. You’ve got to make choices. Save your money. I’ve always advocated for saving money on this fine blog. I know it’s hard. I know times are tough. I know there will be times like it seems impossible but if you can even save just one dollar out of every paycheck, it’ll grow in time.
OK, you probably have to save more than one dollar. Save a lot of dollars when you can and save just one when you can’t.
Ultimately, if you’re taking multiple vacations to Europe and throwing your money away on useless gadgets and stuff, then you’re choosing a certain lifestyle. You have decided to live in the now, the present, to enjoy today.
You have decided to live while the living is good and see the world and do and see and experience awesome things when you are young.
You’re also selling your future old self out because your old self may not have a house to live in when you’re older but you know, your old self will also have nice memories of a fun youth so…it’s up to you.
I can’t really knock anyone for picking that lifestyle. I’ve had old relatives who worked their entire lives and never went anywhere or did anything and never treated themselves to something extravagant. They planned to do it in retirement then croaked before retirement came.
So there’s definitely an argument for living in the now and spending it all in the now.
But there’s also an argument for saving that moolah so you can own your own piece of land, a piece of property where you can hang your hat and not get nagged by Mom and Dad about what you’re doing well into adulthood. And honestly, that’s good for the soul too.
I do agree that in many ways, our political and economic leaders have screwed the big time pooch for awhile now. The “pay big money for college and college will get you a job that pays big money to you” pyramid scheme is bust. Less jobs. Less opportunity. Less money. People are less happy.
So it’s up to you what to do with your pennies. Spend them now and enjoy it now. Save them now and that will lead to something good later.
What say you, 3.5 readers?