Tag Archives: food

Daily Discussion with BQB – Lady Doritos

Hey 3.5 readers.

I love Doritos.  In fact, if it were possible to determine where all the fat on my body came from, Doritos would have a significant amount of responsibility.

I think the idea of a chip that isn’t as crunchy or messy is a good idea, provided that it tastes as good.  I assume it doesn’t.  Chips always have different versions, the fat free version, the this version, the that version, none of it is as tasty as the regular.  They might be more healthy, but not as tasty.

But I mean, if it were possible to make a less crunchy, less messy chip, that sounds like a good idea.  A chip you could bring to a quiet place and eat and not bother anyone.  A chip that you could eat and it wouldn’t make your hands all messy with cheese and then your fingers are all orange for the rest of the day and you inevitably leave cheesy fingerprints all over everything around you.

I don’t think society is necessarily clamoring for that type of chip, but you know, if a chip scientist came up with this, that would be the way to market it.  Cue commercial of an annoying coworker eating his loud, messy chips, driving everyone nuts.  Maybe the boss picks up an important document with cheese dust all over it, then that’s the last straw, he smacks the chips out of the worker’s hand and gives the worker a bag of office friendly Doritos.

Hell, that’s what you could call them. “Office friendly Doritos.” Put them in all workplace vending machines.

Soooo…instead, Doritos calls these, “Lady Doritos.”  Women, y’all are too messy and gross and loud and if you want a man you’re going to have to get Lady Doritos.

COMMERCIAL:  Man sees a woman.  He is in love.  She eats a load chip.  Man says, “Ugh!” and runs away.  Announcer says, “Coulda been married by now if you’d had Lady Doritos.”

Folks, you know me.  I’m very un-PC.  I believe it’s generally good to be nice and thoughtful of feelings but we can’t just walk around on eggshells, scared the littlest thing might offend so we just say nothing.

But even an un-woke person like me, who laughs at people who require safe spaces, trigger warnings and therapy coloring books and puppies has to admit, Lady Doritos was a bad idea.

First, it wasn’t like there was a groundswell of people who were pissed at loud and/or messy chips.  Yeah, there might be some situations where they’re annoying but it’s not like the crunch is akin to a deafening fog horn and the cheese residue is nothing that a trip to a sink can’t cure.

Even so, the idea is interesting and worth a go.  I just don’t understand how the marketing people flubbed this.

Had they called this, “The Clean, Crunchless Chip” people would probably give it a try.  People who bring their lunch to work might be inclined to buy that variety of Doritos over a rival brand of chip.

But they called it “Lady Doritos.”  Holy shit.  I’m very un-woke but had I been in that marketing meeting I’d of been like, “Dudes!  Y’all are going to be crucified on Twitter.”

“The Crunchless Chip” inventor would get a Nobel Prize and there’d be science journal articles about his invention and shit.

But they screwed it up.  “Lady Doritos.”  Shit.  What a bunch of dummies.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – California to Fine and/or Jail Waiters Who Give Out Straws Without Being Asked

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

California, that dopey state full of dopey people (unless you read this blog then I love you and you’re not included) has passed a law, the basic summary of which is if you’re a waiter and you hand out a straw without being asked for one, you could get a fine up to $1000 or 6 months in jail.

Let’s unpack this.  I assume the concern is a) all other problems in California have been solved and the legislature can now put all of its focus into the great straw catastrophe and b) straws are not really a necessity (at least for most people) and therefore if they are passed out only when asked for, there might be a reduction in straw plastic being thrown away.

First, I mean, holy shit, a fine or jail?  Look people.  Jail sucks.  The government shouldn’t be creating new ways to throw people into jail over piddily shit.  Can you imagine the conversation on the cell block?

PRISONER A: Whaddya in for?

PRISONER B: I was the chainsaw maniac serial killer on the news.  I chainsawed 50 people to death.  How about you?

PRISONER A:  I was a mob hitman.  I whacked over a thousand people.  Hey you, what are you in for?

FORMER WAITER TURNED PRISONER C:  I gave a straw to a customer even though he didn’t ask me for one.

PRISONER A: OH MY GOD!

PRISONER B:  You make me sick!

At any rate, prison time should really be reserved for major crimes so I mean, you know locking people up or fining them or putting anything on their criminal record over a straw is crazy.

You might think this won’t be rabidly enforced but I mean, all it takes is for one uppity person to run to the cops and be all like, “He gave me a straw without asking!”  And then what’s that trial going to be like?  Five days of lawyers and witnesses and a judge re-enacting an alleged straw handoff?

Second, paper straws do exist.  I’ve used them and they aren’t that bad.  If plastic straws are that concerning, they could tell restaurants they have to use paper straws.

Third, there has to be a reason why restaurant drinks always come with straws in the first place.  It’s got to be a sanitation thing.  If you have customers just putting their mouth germs on the straw and then the straw is easily flicked into the trash, maybe that lessens the spread of bacteria for say, a dishwasher who would otherwise be handling hundreds of glasses that were drunk directly from all day.

Plus, you’ve got these cups being drank from by tons of people everyday…and they’re being handled by waiters all day…I’m sure the dishwasher probably kills most germs but the straw just adds an extra little layer.  I mean, if there’s serious germs in that cup, will the straw stop it?  Probably not but still.

In theory, I do wonder about all the excess waste that restaurants and especially fast food joints produce.  Every drink you get a plastic cup, a bag or a box your food goes in, you eat for a few minutes then that all goes in the trash but unfortunately I just don’t see another way.

I just think that jail time for a straw infraction is a bit much.  The threat of jail should be used sparingly.  I have a feeling in the next year there are going to be a lot of waiters and waitresses whose disgruntled exes are going to be shouting, “He/she gave me a straw!  An unasked for straw!”

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Top Ten Ways to Murder Lobsters to Death in the Wake of Switzerland’s Lobster Boiling Ban

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Apparently, every problem in Switzerland has been solved because lawmakers there have banned the practice of boiling lobsters while they are still alive.  I have no idea why this was a big concern.

I can only assume some Swiss scientist somewhere was really concerned that the lobsters go through a very traumatic experience while they are being boiled.  Their whole entire little lobster lives flash before their beady little eyes – their lobster childhoods spent playing stickball, their first date to the lobster prom, their lobster marriages, the birth of their lobster children, even their lobster divorces.

Some say if you listen closely, you can even hear them shout out all of their regrets.  Why, I once boiled a lobster and he was such a big guy that he was left with an entire hour to regale me with a story about “the one who got away.”  He was a foreign lobster exchange student.  She was a French lobster coquette.  Their lobster parents despised one another and oh, how he wished he’d stood up to his domineering lobster father just once and embraced his one and only chance at true love.

Poor guy.  He was so bitter I had to dip him in extra butter.  :::rimshot:::

Anyway, long story short, if you are Swiss (and my condolences if you are) you now must murder your lobster before you boil it, so without further ado, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Ways to Murder A Lobster to Death in the Wake of Switzerland’s Ban on Boiling Lobsters.

#10 – Firing Squad

Blindfold the lobster, line him up against the wall, pop a cigarette in his mouth and hand out rifles to all kitchen staff.  Only one rifle has a live round so staff can comfort themselves with the possibility that they did not fire the lethal shot.

#9 – Hanging

Construct a tiny gallows on every table in every seafood restaurant.  What a fun family activity this will be.  Mom can tie a little noose around the little guy’s neck.  Dad can read the lobster his last rites.  Junior can pull the lever and the entire family can watch as the little crustacean twists and wiggles and sputters until his last breath.

I’m sure there’s room for scientific debate here.  Is it possible to even hang a lobster with all that armor?

#8 – Lobster War

Bribe greedy politicians to declare war on the lobster population of a foreign country.  Draft domestic lobsters to go overseas to fight and die in a pointless, unpopular war.  Enjoy the tasty lobster flesh as the lobster military industrial complex is promulgated into perpetuity.

#7 – Lobster Drive-By

Find some aspiring, up and coming street gangsters who want to increase their street cred.  Put the lobster tank in the window and when you hear the words, “Break yo-self, lobster!” it’s time to eat.

#6 – Lobster Electric Chair

I feel like that’s just as problematic as boiling the lobsters.  Either way, they’re being cooked alive.

#5 – Lobster Guillotine 

Dress the lobsters up as 19th Century French royalty.  Give them powdered wigs and crowns, paint their faces white and give them elaborate, frilly clothing.  Place their heads on the chopping block and voila!  Viva la revolucion!

Will this work if the lobsters aren’t dressed as French royalty?  Yes.  Will it be as fun?  I mean, if you were having fun doing this anyway, you were a sick person to begin with.  Seriously, shame on you for even reading this far.

#4 – Lobster Hitmen

Hire two highly trained assassins to whack the lobsters when they least suspect it.  These can be human or lobster assassins.  Bonus points if you hire lobsters to hit the other lobsters and dress the hit lobsters as Vincent and Jules from “Pulp Fiction.”

Double bonus points if you train one of the lobsters to give the “Path of the Righteous Lobster” speech.

Ahem.  The path of the righteous lobster is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyrannies of evil lobsters…

#3 – Lobster Lethal Injection

You could poison the lobster but then, who would want to eat a poisoned lobster?   I mean, then again, people who eat lobsters are willingly licking their lips at a plate containing the dead carcass of what appears to be a giant mutant space cockroach so, those people will probably eat anything.

At any rate, my lawyer tells me this is a bad idea so no one should do it.  Actually, no one should do or read anything on this blog ever at any time ever at all.

#2 – Lobster Explosion

Give the lobster an explosive device with twenty seconds on the counter and a pair of wire cutters.  Red?  Green?  Will the lobster pick the right one?  And why give him wire cutters when he has pinchers?  Heck, if the lobster saves the day, give him a reprieve.

#1 – Lobster Suicide

Ridicule the lobster.  Get him fired from his lobster job.  Show him pictures of his lobster wife having hot, steamy lobster sex with his lobster best friend.  Tell him his lobster kids are calling his lobster friend daddy now.

Ruin his lobster finances.  Drive him into lobster bankruptcy.  Leave him with no hope and then leave him on the edge of the counter.  Walk away and I mean…if the little guy leaps to his doom, well, that’s a tragedy but is it made any better by letting all that delicious lobster meat go to waste?

Then again, you’d be eating something that fell on the floor, so, eww…

 

 

 

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Daily Discussion with BQB – What is Your Favorite Thanksgiving Food?

Stuffing for me.

I know how that sounds.  “Phrasing,” as Archer would say.

Oh well.  I love to stuff myself with stuffing.  Put all the stuffing into my belly.

What is your favorite Thanksgiving food, 3.5 readers?

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Hodor’s KFC Commercial – Chicken with Rice

Hey 3.5 readers.

Hodor was in a KFC commercial.  Just as “hold the door” became “Hodor,” so too does “chicken with fries” become “chicken with rice.”

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Amazon Buys Whole Foods

Happy Saturday, 3.5 readers.

Have you heard the news?  Amazon has just bought Whole Foods for $13.4 billion dollars.

My first reaction?  If Bezos has that kind of loot at his disposal, why the hell did he need to take 64 cents out of my 99 cent sale, literally the one and only copy I’ve sold of my book in over a week of it being online?

(Just kidding.  This dog doesn’t bite the hand that feeds him, even if it is a tiny piece of kibble at this point.  I wuv you Jeffykins!)

Did I mention you could be the second person to buy my book?

You might think this is just an interesting business deal but it’s much more.

Amazon didn’t just buy a chain of food stores.  They, in essence, bought a whole shit ton of buildings that will serve as good regional distribution centers which means, yup…you’re sitting on your computer late at night, you think a nice lobster and a gallon of milk would be delicious right about now.

Just click on that button and wham-o…some dude will show up at your doorstep with a lobster and milk, both delivered in time to avoid spoilage.

I mean, the Jeffmeister doesn’t clue me in on what he’s up to but I assume that’s where this deal is headed.

Many food store chain stocks took a dive because of this news.

Do you think this is good or bad, 3.5 readers?

On one hand, I’d hate to see brick and mortar grocery stores go out of business.  Perhaps they will always be around because a lot of people will still want to squeeze that melon to see if it’s ripe before they buy it.

I mean, really, who doesn’t like to squeeze a ripe melon?  Am I right?  Huh?  :::rimshot:::

On the other hand, sometimes I waste so much time in grocery stores.  You have to fight for parking.  You have to find a cart.  You have to roam around the aisles until you find what you want.  Usually there’s some blue haired old broad standing right in the spot I need to be and I’ll have to wait an hour before she moves just so I can get my hands on my hemorrhoid cream.  Extra-strength for extra itchiness!

Then you’ve got to wait in line.  You’ve got to check out.  Something will inevitably not have a price on it so some kid will have to go roam the whole store until he finds the price and everyone grumbles at you because you’re holding up the line.

Then you get home.  You have to haul all the bags into your house.  You’ll do that thing where you come super close to breaking all the bones in your hands just so you can carry extra bags to avoid making additional trips between your kitchen and your car.

Meanwhile, all the d-bags in your house will see you struggling with the groceries and they won’t lift a finger to help.  You’ll resent them because they’ll still eat the food you brought home even though they didn’t help you bring it in.  God, your family is a bunch of butt monkeys but you still love them.

So…yeah…I gotta be honest.  The idea of being able to sit at my computer, click off all the food I want on a website, and then some dude brings it to my house for me sounds pretty sweet.

I don’t know if they’ll completely tank grocery stores altogether in the near future.  Some may remain.  Some may modernize and start their own online delivery services.  But, yeah, in the near future, Amazon is going to take a big chunk out of the grocery biz.

Will that mean anything for us aspiring writers?  Maybe we can forego monetary profit and just ask readers to send us a jar of pickles from Amazon in exchange for all the books they download from us on…Amazon.

Of course, Amazon will take 64 percent of the pickles (or 30 if you ask for 2.99 worth of pickles, but not more than 9.99 worth of pickles).

FYI I hate pickles.  It’s like a witch doctor took a cucumber and did a spell on it to make it shrink.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Is Avocado Toast Keeping Millenials from Becoming Homeowners?

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Australian millionaire Tim Gurner, himself a millennial, has been quoted in the media (this Time Magazine article, for example) as, and I’m paraphrasing here, that millennials aren’t becoming homeowners to the extend that previous generations did because they essentially spend their money on crap.  They go out to eat too much, they take too many expensive vacations to Europe, they buy too many lattes and too many pieces of avocado toast.

Personally, I’m aghast that I’m behind the times because I never knew that avocado toast was even a thing.

Regardless, those wacky millennials took to the Twittosphere (where, shameless plug, you can follow me @bookshelfbattle) to mock Gurner, cracking jokes along the lines of who knew that all their problems could be solved by cutting back on avocado toast.

Typical snarky millenials.  Argh, I just want to channel Uncle Hardass and shake my fist at them in an impotent manner while shouting, “Get off my lawn, hippies!”

Or, hipsters, as is the modern parlance.

I do understand the point millennials are making.  The economy took a big hit in 2008 but honestly, it’s been pretty stagnant since 2000.

Meanwhile, a college education has never been more expensive, yet a college degree has never been less relevant as more and more people have degrees and yet they are pitting themselves against each other for fewer and fewer jobs.

So yeah.  Add to that mix the fact that property values are high and yup…you can’t really blame people who are pissed that they’re living in Mom and Dad’s house well into adulthood for being told all their problems result from that piece of avocado toast…or a latte…or insert your favorite comforting thing you buy that you know you spend too much money on here.

On the other hand, I’m going to side with Gurner.  Life sucks.  You’ve got to make choices.  Save your money.  I’ve always advocated for saving money on this fine blog.  I know it’s hard.  I know times are tough.  I know there will be times like it seems impossible but if you can even save just one dollar out of every paycheck, it’ll grow in time.

OK, you probably have to save more than one dollar.  Save a lot of dollars when you can and save just one when you can’t.

Ultimately, if you’re taking multiple vacations to Europe and throwing your money away on useless gadgets and stuff, then you’re choosing a certain lifestyle.  You have decided to live in the now, the present, to enjoy today.

You have decided to live while the living is good and see the world and do and see and experience awesome things when you are young.

You’re also selling your future old self out because your old self may not have a house to live in when you’re older but you know, your old self will also have nice memories of a fun youth so…it’s up to you.

I can’t really knock anyone for picking that lifestyle.  I’ve had old relatives who worked their entire lives and never went anywhere or did anything and never treated themselves to something extravagant.  They planned to do it in retirement then croaked before retirement came.

So there’s definitely an argument for living in the now and spending it all in the now.

But there’s also an argument for saving that moolah so you can own your own piece of land, a piece of property where you can hang your hat and not get nagged by Mom and Dad about what you’re doing well into adulthood.  And honestly, that’s good for the soul too.

I do agree that in many ways, our political and economic leaders have screwed the big time pooch for awhile now.  The “pay big money for college and college will get you a job that pays big money to you” pyramid scheme is bust.  Less jobs.  Less opportunity.  Less money.  People are less happy.

So it’s up to you what to do with your pennies.  Spend them now and enjoy it now.  Save them now and that will lead to something good later.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Top Ten Favorite Disney World Restaurants

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Ahh, Disney World.  Loved it when I was younger.  Don’t quite get why people continue to flip out about it way into their adulthood now that I’m older.

Except for the food.  OK.  I get the appeal if we’re talking about the food.  Disney World isn’t just about the rides.  It’s about stuffing your face, for Mickey Mouse puts out one damn fine spread.

Sure, you’re already being charged an arm and a leg for your room, for park admission, for souvenirs, for that bottle of water that you don’t want to take out a loan for but you break down and get it anyway because it’s so damn hot…all that could make you go for some of Mickey’s cheaper fast food options.

But hell, if you’re down there and opening your wallet anyway, you might as well treat yourself.  Ready for BQB’s Disney restaurant recommendations?  Cool.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are my Top Ten Favorite Places to Eat in Disney World:

#10 – The Earl of Sandwich – Disney Springs (Formerly Downtown Disney)

Why the heck did they have to change Downtown Disney to Disney Springs?  I know they really built up the place in recent years, but “Downtown Disney” sounded cool and hip whereas “Disney Springs” sounds like I’m going to get a massage or something.

Anyway, this is the area where Disney visitors can do mad shopping and crazy eating.  While this list will be mostly devoted to sit down restaurants, I must add it because I love it and I try to get there at least once during a Disney sojourn.

Usually, other dummies in my party will be shopping, spending hours comparing one Mickey shirt to another or some other such stupid activity, so I will sneak away and get one of the Earl’s fantastic sandwiches.  They must be good, since the Earl invented them, after all.

I’ve had their meatball sandwiches and their Thanksgiving sandwich with turkey, cranberry sauce and stuffing.  The former was great but the latter is what I get every time and probably always will from now on.  Have fun looking at the Mickey shirts, dummies, BQB is getting a sandwich.

#9 – Le Cellier Steakhouse – Canada – Epcot

Oh Canada!  My home and native land!  True patriot love…and something with maple syrup on it!

You gotta get yourself a reservation here.  Actually, important tip.  You pretty much need to get yourself a reservation at any restaurant that’s worthwhile in the House of Mouse.

Delicious steaks that taste like they were cut straight from the cow’s butt.  And cheese soup.  Mickey and I have something in common: we both love cheese and we often walk around in our shorts with no shirt on.

#8 – Boma – Animal Kingdom Lodge

The cool thing about Disney World is it has its own transportation system, so even if you aren’t staying at one particular hotel, you can still visit another one if there’s something cool there you’d like to check out.

In this case, I recommend you check out the breakfast buffet at Boma in the Animal Kingdom Lodge.  Come for the eats, stay for the Guava juice.  Mmm, that’s good guava!

#7 – Beaches and Cream – Disney Beach Club

Disney has a super expensive, ultra swanky hotel called Disney’s Yacht and Beach Club.  One part is the Yacht Club.  One part is the Beach Club.  I stayed there one time as a youngster and felt like I was frigging Thurston Howell or something.  Funny, back then, I said, “When I’m an adult I’ll have so much money I’ll be able to stay at places like this for months on end!”

But yeah, now I just run a blog for 3.5 readers, so that never happened.  Boo!  Up your nose with a rubber hose, failed life plans!

Anyway, you don’t have to stay there to eat here, though yeah, get a reservation.  It’s a cool little 1950’s style Ice Cream Shoppe.  Stop watching your waist line.  Eat ice cream.  You’re on vacation.

#6 – AMC Fork and Screen Theaters – Disney Springs – West Side

Some people may not count a movie theater as a good place to dine but what do they know?  As a movie buff, I think the AMC theater at Disney Springs – West Side is one of the best theaters I have ever visited and no matter how packed it gets, I have yet to have to suffer neck pain by sitting up front.

If you don’t get the dining option, they have those fabulous seats that are like mini-couches you can recline in.  Plus, they have those Coca Cola Freestyle machines where you can push all sorts of buttons in order to flavor your carbonated beverage to your personal desire.  Such a fun way to put yourself on the path to diabetes.

If you do choose the dining option, you get a pretty cool place to sit, and a menu and a call button.  Watch that movie, hit that call button, and your waitress will just bring you all kinds of food, popcorn, soda, snacks, she’ll pretty much put a funnel in your mouth and cram it all down your cake hole until your movie is over if you want.

#5 – Crystal Palace – Main Street USA – Magic Kingdom

Great buffet.  There are several character breakfasts where you can eat Mickey shaped waffles and have Mickey and friends come to say hello to everyone at the table.  This is a pretty good one as you can start your day early at the Magic Kingdom and then get off to the rides. ‘Ohana, located at the Polynesian Resort, is my other favorite place for a character breakfast.

#4 – Disney’s Spirit of Aloha Dinner Show

Speaking of the Polynesian Resort, this place is basically like stepping into Hawaii.  They have a luau dinner show with hula dancing, all kinds of awesome tricks, many of which involve fire.  I mean, tricks with fire, people, what more do I have to say?  You’ll definitely need a reservation.  You can’t just walk right into this one.

#3 – STK Orlando

This is a fairly new one and I was a little iffy on it at first.  It’s totally hipster.  Like imagine a restaurant invented by a dork with a fedora with a neckbeard and this is the restaurant you’d get.  The lighting is low, the ambience is trendy but the food is pretty tasty.  All kinds of steaks with different options to get your steak, plus other food as well.  I don’t know if it was just our waiter who made the experience great and perhaps you need that exact waiter to make it a good experience, but he was like a food genius who could tell you every little thing about the food.  Kids probably won’t like it though.

#2 – Rainforest Cafe – Animal Kingdom

Sure, they have them all over the country, but if you haven’t been to one yet, you should go to this one.  Good food.  Automatronic animals doing wacky things.

#1 – T-Rex – Disney Springs

Who doesn’t love dinosaurs?  The kids will love this one.  All kinds of automatronic dinos wreak havoc as you shove prehistoric themed food down your pie hole.  Just don’t become the T-Rex’s dinner.

HONORABLE MENTION:

There’s a fantastic ice cream place in France in Epcot I love.  I usually have to go there once.  I blame Epcot for my fatness.  They swore they were going to teach me about science and the world but they just made me fat.

Also, one time, many moons ago, I ate lunch at the ESPN Club on the Boardwalk and got to see the taping of a live sports radio show while doing so.  Not sure if they still do that but I assume so.  I ate something called a “Dinger Sandwich” which was a word I was surprised to see on the menu and I made fun of it for the rest of the trip but apparently it is a golf term.  Worth checking out if you are into sports.

Coral Reef at Epcot – eat, watch the fish, sometimes a diver will even swim by.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – The Unicorn Frappuccino Barista Freaks Out

Um, I’d point out that some seventy-five years or so ago, kids this age didn’t freak out this hard when they had to storm Omaha Beach to take France back from the Nazis but then I’d sound like a super old person and I’m trying my best not to do that.

Apparently this Starbucks drink is pretty popular, so popular that it drove this barista nuts.  Have any of you 3.5 readers tried it?  If so, tell me what you think.

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Top Ten Best Kinds of Easter Candy

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Ahh, Easter.  That wondrous holiday where Christians celebrate the glorious resurrection of their lord and savior, Jesus Christ…by finding colorful eggs hidden by an anthropomorphic bunny rabbit.  Additional activities include eating a lot of food and finding baskets full of candy, which is also eaten…almost immediately.

Candy is the name of the game with this post, 3.5 readers.  From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Best Kinds of Easter Candy:

#10 – Orange Jelly Beans

All other jelly beans stink compared to the orange ones.  Why do they even make black licorice jelly beans?  Who is the asshat that steal eats those?  Someone must be or they’d stop making them.

Sure, cherry or lemon or other types of fruity beans will do.  Jelly Belly makes some fine gourmet jelly beans.  I’m a fan of their buttered popcorn and toasted coconut beans.  But when it comes to maximum deliciousness, it’s orange all the way.

Seriously.  Handing me a black licorice jelly bean and telling me it is just as good as an orange jelly bean is like handing me Lena Dunham while she’s eating cake on the toilet and telling me she’s just as hot as Megan Fox.

Was that a mean, rude and insensitive comment?  Probably.  But that’s how much I love orange jelly beans.  Give me one of those plastic bags shaped like a bunny’s carrot where the orange beans turn the carrot orange and I’m good for the day.

#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Eggs

You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!  You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!

Who cares?  Delicious and nutritious (although probably not really) I say.

I like to bite the chocolate off of the peanut butter and then eat the peanut butter after the chocolate has been bitten off.  It just seems like a fun thing to do, although now that I think about it, it’s probably a blow to chocolate/peanut butter desegregation.  These two flavors really deserve to mix together in my mouth and be happy.

#8 – Cadbury Mini Eggs 

Mmm.  Sweet chocolates on the inside.  Sweet candy shell on the outside.  They’re like cocaine to me.  If they sold them all year round I’d be a diabetic by now.  Kids, lay off the candy, that’s some shit you don’t want.  Adults, it’s not too late for you.  Lay off that shit too.

#7 – Cadbury Creme Eggs

Speaking of diabetes, is there anything sweeter than the cream inside a Cadbury Creme Egg?

Personally, I always bite the chocolate top off of one of these bad boys, then I’ll get my tongue up that…well, that makeshift hole and start licking and slurping until all that creme is gone and…wait….are we still talking about candy?

#6 – Whoppers Robin Eggs

Malt.  It’s kind of an old fashioned flavor.  Don’t believe me?  Ask someone who was alive in the 1950s if they ever visited a “malt shoppe.”  But Whoppers never gave up on the malty goodness.  I prefer to suck on these delicious chocolatey malt balls (yes, I know how that sounds) and let the malt seep into my tongue until it pickles.

#5 – Russell Stover Easter Eggs

When you’re done performing cunnilingus on that Cadbury Creme Egg (you know you will now that I suggested to it you if you weren’t doing it before), it’s time to graduate to the Russell Stover eggs.

That Russell Stover does some good shit with chocolate eggs, let me tell you.  Creme, marshmallow, you name it.

#4 – Starburst Jelly Beans

While I still maintain that all jelly beans should be orange and only orange, if you can’t get your hands on any orange beans, or jelly bellies, then Starburst beans are pretty fruity and flavorful.  They’ve put many pounds on my butt over the years.  Also, not a single black licorice in the bunch.

#3 – Hershey’s Carrot Cake Kisses

You know, I could be engaging in candy rating malpractice, largely because I’ve never had one of these before.  They are new, but people tell me they are orgasmic and to die for.  This surprises me because I feel like carrot cake is ok.  I mean, I’ll eat it if it’s there but I’ve never been like, “OMG I have a carrot cake craving and I must have it!”  Still, many people have given these high marks, so I’ll add them to the list.

Have you had one?  Tell me what you think.

#2 – Peeps 

Yummy marshmallow inside.  Delicious sugary coating on the outside.  Get the bunnies and bite scores of ears off, or get the chicks and behead them with your teeth.  Yes, you get your jollies off by torturing candy animals, don’t you, you big weirdo?

#1 – Chocolate Bunnies

Speaking of torturing candy animals, is there a candy animal that is abused more than the chocolate bunny?

Seriously.  What do you bite off first?  The ears, of course.  Yes…bite those ears off, so that little hollow rascal can’t hear you as you laugh and laugh at his pain, as you guffaw and chuckle at his helpless state!

Not that I’ve thought this through.  Ears, face, butt.  That’s how I eat a chocolate bunny.  How about you?

Your Favorite Candy

Did I fail to talk about the horrible things I would do to your favorite Easter candy?  Tell me in the comments.

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