Hey 3.5 readers.
Hodor was in a KFC commercial. Just as “hold the door” became “Hodor,” so too does “chicken with fries” become “chicken with rice.”
Hey 3.5 readers.
Hodor was in a KFC commercial. Just as “hold the door” became “Hodor,” so too does “chicken with fries” become “chicken with rice.”
Happy Saturday, 3.5 readers.
Have you heard the news? Amazon has just bought Whole Foods for $13.4 billion dollars.
My first reaction? If Bezos has that kind of loot at his disposal, why the hell did he need to take 64 cents out of my 99 cent sale, literally the one and only copy I’ve sold of my book in over a week of it being online?
(Just kidding. This dog doesn’t bite the hand that feeds him, even if it is a tiny piece of kibble at this point. I wuv you Jeffykins!)
You might think this is just an interesting business deal but it’s much more.
Amazon didn’t just buy a chain of food stores. They, in essence, bought a whole shit ton of buildings that will serve as good regional distribution centers which means, yup…you’re sitting on your computer late at night, you think a nice lobster and a gallon of milk would be delicious right about now.
Just click on that button and wham-o…some dude will show up at your doorstep with a lobster and milk, both delivered in time to avoid spoilage.
I mean, the Jeffmeister doesn’t clue me in on what he’s up to but I assume that’s where this deal is headed.
Many food store chain stocks took a dive because of this news.
Do you think this is good or bad, 3.5 readers?
On one hand, I’d hate to see brick and mortar grocery stores go out of business. Perhaps they will always be around because a lot of people will still want to squeeze that melon to see if it’s ripe before they buy it.
I mean, really, who doesn’t like to squeeze a ripe melon? Am I right? Huh? :::rimshot:::
On the other hand, sometimes I waste so much time in grocery stores. You have to fight for parking. You have to find a cart. You have to roam around the aisles until you find what you want. Usually there’s some blue haired old broad standing right in the spot I need to be and I’ll have to wait an hour before she moves just so I can get my hands on my hemorrhoid cream. Extra-strength for extra itchiness!
Then you’ve got to wait in line. You’ve got to check out. Something will inevitably not have a price on it so some kid will have to go roam the whole store until he finds the price and everyone grumbles at you because you’re holding up the line.
Then you get home. You have to haul all the bags into your house. You’ll do that thing where you come super close to breaking all the bones in your hands just so you can carry extra bags to avoid making additional trips between your kitchen and your car.
Meanwhile, all the d-bags in your house will see you struggling with the groceries and they won’t lift a finger to help. You’ll resent them because they’ll still eat the food you brought home even though they didn’t help you bring it in. God, your family is a bunch of butt monkeys but you still love them.
So…yeah…I gotta be honest. The idea of being able to sit at my computer, click off all the food I want on a website, and then some dude brings it to my house for me sounds pretty sweet.
I don’t know if they’ll completely tank grocery stores altogether in the near future. Some may remain. Some may modernize and start their own online delivery services. But, yeah, in the near future, Amazon is going to take a big chunk out of the grocery biz.
Will that mean anything for us aspiring writers? Maybe we can forego monetary profit and just ask readers to send us a jar of pickles from Amazon in exchange for all the books they download from us on…Amazon.
Of course, Amazon will take 64 percent of the pickles (or 30 if you ask for 2.99 worth of pickles, but not more than 9.99 worth of pickles).
FYI I hate pickles. It’s like a witch doctor took a cucumber and did a spell on it to make it shrink.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal BQB here.
Australian millionaire Tim Gurner, himself a millennial, has been quoted in the media (this Time Magazine article, for example) as, and I’m paraphrasing here, that millennials aren’t becoming homeowners to the extend that previous generations did because they essentially spend their money on crap. They go out to eat too much, they take too many expensive vacations to Europe, they buy too many lattes and too many pieces of avocado toast.
Personally, I’m aghast that I’m behind the times because I never knew that avocado toast was even a thing.
Regardless, those wacky millennials took to the Twittosphere (where, shameless plug, you can follow me @bookshelfbattle) to mock Gurner, cracking jokes along the lines of who knew that all their problems could be solved by cutting back on avocado toast.
Typical snarky millenials. Argh, I just want to channel Uncle Hardass and shake my fist at them in an impotent manner while shouting, “Get off my lawn, hippies!”
Or, hipsters, as is the modern parlance.
I do understand the point millennials are making. The economy took a big hit in 2008 but honestly, it’s been pretty stagnant since 2000.
Meanwhile, a college education has never been more expensive, yet a college degree has never been less relevant as more and more people have degrees and yet they are pitting themselves against each other for fewer and fewer jobs.
So yeah. Add to that mix the fact that property values are high and yup…you can’t really blame people who are pissed that they’re living in Mom and Dad’s house well into adulthood for being told all their problems result from that piece of avocado toast…or a latte…or insert your favorite comforting thing you buy that you know you spend too much money on here.
On the other hand, I’m going to side with Gurner. Life sucks. You’ve got to make choices. Save your money. I’ve always advocated for saving money on this fine blog. I know it’s hard. I know times are tough. I know there will be times like it seems impossible but if you can even save just one dollar out of every paycheck, it’ll grow in time.
OK, you probably have to save more than one dollar. Save a lot of dollars when you can and save just one when you can’t.
Ultimately, if you’re taking multiple vacations to Europe and throwing your money away on useless gadgets and stuff, then you’re choosing a certain lifestyle. You have decided to live in the now, the present, to enjoy today.
You have decided to live while the living is good and see the world and do and see and experience awesome things when you are young.
You’re also selling your future old self out because your old self may not have a house to live in when you’re older but you know, your old self will also have nice memories of a fun youth so…it’s up to you.
I can’t really knock anyone for picking that lifestyle. I’ve had old relatives who worked their entire lives and never went anywhere or did anything and never treated themselves to something extravagant. They planned to do it in retirement then croaked before retirement came.
So there’s definitely an argument for living in the now and spending it all in the now.
But there’s also an argument for saving that moolah so you can own your own piece of land, a piece of property where you can hang your hat and not get nagged by Mom and Dad about what you’re doing well into adulthood. And honestly, that’s good for the soul too.
I do agree that in many ways, our political and economic leaders have screwed the big time pooch for awhile now. The “pay big money for college and college will get you a job that pays big money to you” pyramid scheme is bust. Less jobs. Less opportunity. Less money. People are less happy.
So it’s up to you what to do with your pennies. Spend them now and enjoy it now. Save them now and that will lead to something good later.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Ahh, Disney World. Loved it when I was younger. Don’t quite get why people continue to flip out about it way into their adulthood now that I’m older.
Except for the food. OK. I get the appeal if we’re talking about the food. Disney World isn’t just about the rides. It’s about stuffing your face, for Mickey Mouse puts out one damn fine spread.
Sure, you’re already being charged an arm and a leg for your room, for park admission, for souvenirs, for that bottle of water that you don’t want to take out a loan for but you break down and get it anyway because it’s so damn hot…all that could make you go for some of Mickey’s cheaper fast food options.
But hell, if you’re down there and opening your wallet anyway, you might as well treat yourself. Ready for BQB’s Disney restaurant recommendations? Cool.
From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are my Top Ten Favorite Places to Eat in Disney World:
#10 – The Earl of Sandwich – Disney Springs (Formerly Downtown Disney)
Why the heck did they have to change Downtown Disney to Disney Springs? I know they really built up the place in recent years, but “Downtown Disney” sounded cool and hip whereas “Disney Springs” sounds like I’m going to get a massage or something.
Anyway, this is the area where Disney visitors can do mad shopping and crazy eating. While this list will be mostly devoted to sit down restaurants, I must add it because I love it and I try to get there at least once during a Disney sojourn.
Usually, other dummies in my party will be shopping, spending hours comparing one Mickey shirt to another or some other such stupid activity, so I will sneak away and get one of the Earl’s fantastic sandwiches. They must be good, since the Earl invented them, after all.
I’ve had their meatball sandwiches and their Thanksgiving sandwich with turkey, cranberry sauce and stuffing. The former was great but the latter is what I get every time and probably always will from now on. Have fun looking at the Mickey shirts, dummies, BQB is getting a sandwich.
#9 – Le Cellier Steakhouse – Canada – Epcot
Oh Canada! My home and native land! True patriot love…and something with maple syrup on it!
You gotta get yourself a reservation here. Actually, important tip. You pretty much need to get yourself a reservation at any restaurant that’s worthwhile in the House of Mouse.
Delicious steaks that taste like they were cut straight from the cow’s butt. And cheese soup. Mickey and I have something in common: we both love cheese and we often walk around in our shorts with no shirt on.
#8 – Boma – Animal Kingdom Lodge
The cool thing about Disney World is it has its own transportation system, so even if you aren’t staying at one particular hotel, you can still visit another one if there’s something cool there you’d like to check out.
In this case, I recommend you check out the breakfast buffet at Boma in the Animal Kingdom Lodge. Come for the eats, stay for the Guava juice. Mmm, that’s good guava!
#7 – Beaches and Cream – Disney Beach Club
Disney has a super expensive, ultra swanky hotel called Disney’s Yacht and Beach Club. One part is the Yacht Club. One part is the Beach Club. I stayed there one time as a youngster and felt like I was frigging Thurston Howell or something. Funny, back then, I said, “When I’m an adult I’ll have so much money I’ll be able to stay at places like this for months on end!”
But yeah, now I just run a blog for 3.5 readers, so that never happened. Boo! Up your nose with a rubber hose, failed life plans!
Anyway, you don’t have to stay there to eat here, though yeah, get a reservation. It’s a cool little 1950’s style Ice Cream Shoppe. Stop watching your waist line. Eat ice cream. You’re on vacation.
#6 – AMC Fork and Screen Theaters – Disney Springs – West Side
Some people may not count a movie theater as a good place to dine but what do they know? As a movie buff, I think the AMC theater at Disney Springs – West Side is one of the best theaters I have ever visited and no matter how packed it gets, I have yet to have to suffer neck pain by sitting up front.
If you don’t get the dining option, they have those fabulous seats that are like mini-couches you can recline in. Plus, they have those Coca Cola Freestyle machines where you can push all sorts of buttons in order to flavor your carbonated beverage to your personal desire. Such a fun way to put yourself on the path to diabetes.
If you do choose the dining option, you get a pretty cool place to sit, and a menu and a call button. Watch that movie, hit that call button, and your waitress will just bring you all kinds of food, popcorn, soda, snacks, she’ll pretty much put a funnel in your mouth and cram it all down your cake hole until your movie is over if you want.
#5 – Crystal Palace – Main Street USA – Magic Kingdom
Great buffet. There are several character breakfasts where you can eat Mickey shaped waffles and have Mickey and friends come to say hello to everyone at the table. This is a pretty good one as you can start your day early at the Magic Kingdom and then get off to the rides. ‘Ohana, located at the Polynesian Resort, is my other favorite place for a character breakfast.
#4 – Disney’s Spirit of Aloha Dinner Show
Speaking of the Polynesian Resort, this place is basically like stepping into Hawaii. They have a luau dinner show with hula dancing, all kinds of awesome tricks, many of which involve fire. I mean, tricks with fire, people, what more do I have to say? You’ll definitely need a reservation. You can’t just walk right into this one.
#3 – STK Orlando
This is a fairly new one and I was a little iffy on it at first. It’s totally hipster. Like imagine a restaurant invented by a dork with a fedora with a neckbeard and this is the restaurant you’d get. The lighting is low, the ambience is trendy but the food is pretty tasty. All kinds of steaks with different options to get your steak, plus other food as well. I don’t know if it was just our waiter who made the experience great and perhaps you need that exact waiter to make it a good experience, but he was like a food genius who could tell you every little thing about the food. Kids probably won’t like it though.
#2 – Rainforest Cafe – Animal Kingdom
Sure, they have them all over the country, but if you haven’t been to one yet, you should go to this one. Good food. Automatronic animals doing wacky things.
#1 – T-Rex – Disney Springs
Who doesn’t love dinosaurs? The kids will love this one. All kinds of automatronic dinos wreak havoc as you shove prehistoric themed food down your pie hole. Just don’t become the T-Rex’s dinner.
There’s a fantastic ice cream place in France in Epcot I love. I usually have to go there once. I blame Epcot for my fatness. They swore they were going to teach me about science and the world but they just made me fat.
Also, one time, many moons ago, I ate lunch at the ESPN Club on the Boardwalk and got to see the taping of a live sports radio show while doing so. Not sure if they still do that but I assume so. I ate something called a “Dinger Sandwich” which was a word I was surprised to see on the menu and I made fun of it for the rest of the trip but apparently it is a golf term. Worth checking out if you are into sports.
Coral Reef at Epcot – eat, watch the fish, sometimes a diver will even swim by.
Um, I’d point out that some seventy-five years or so ago, kids this age didn’t freak out this hard when they had to storm Omaha Beach to take France back from the Nazis but then I’d sound like a super old person and I’m trying my best not to do that.
Apparently this Starbucks drink is pretty popular, so popular that it drove this barista nuts. Have any of you 3.5 readers tried it? If so, tell me what you think.
Ahh, Easter. That wondrous holiday where Christians celebrate the glorious resurrection of their lord and savior, Jesus Christ…by finding colorful eggs hidden by an anthropomorphic bunny rabbit. Additional activities include eating a lot of food and finding baskets full of candy, which is also eaten…almost immediately.
Candy is the name of the game with this post, 3.5 readers. From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Best Kinds of Easter Candy:
#10 – Orange Jelly Beans
All other jelly beans stink compared to the orange ones. Why do they even make black licorice jelly beans? Who is the asshat that steal eats those? Someone must be or they’d stop making them.
Sure, cherry or lemon or other types of fruity beans will do. Jelly Belly makes some fine gourmet jelly beans. I’m a fan of their buttered popcorn and toasted coconut beans. But when it comes to maximum deliciousness, it’s orange all the way.
Seriously. Handing me a black licorice jelly bean and telling me it is just as good as an orange jelly bean is like handing me Lena Dunham while she’s eating cake on the toilet and telling me she’s just as hot as Megan Fox.
Was that a mean, rude and insensitive comment? Probably. But that’s how much I love orange jelly beans. Give me one of those plastic bags shaped like a bunny’s carrot where the orange beans turn the carrot orange and I’m good for the day.
#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Eggs
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter! You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!
Who cares? Delicious and nutritious (although probably not really) I say.
I like to bite the chocolate off of the peanut butter and then eat the peanut butter after the chocolate has been bitten off. It just seems like a fun thing to do, although now that I think about it, it’s probably a blow to chocolate/peanut butter desegregation. These two flavors really deserve to mix together in my mouth and be happy.
#8 – Cadbury Mini Eggs
Mmm. Sweet chocolates on the inside. Sweet candy shell on the outside. They’re like cocaine to me. If they sold them all year round I’d be a diabetic by now. Kids, lay off the candy, that’s some shit you don’t want. Adults, it’s not too late for you. Lay off that shit too.
#7 – Cadbury Creme Eggs
Speaking of diabetes, is there anything sweeter than the cream inside a Cadbury Creme Egg?
Personally, I always bite the chocolate top off of one of these bad boys, then I’ll get my tongue up that…well, that makeshift hole and start licking and slurping until all that creme is gone and…wait….are we still talking about candy?
#6 – Whoppers Robin Eggs
Malt. It’s kind of an old fashioned flavor. Don’t believe me? Ask someone who was alive in the 1950s if they ever visited a “malt shoppe.” But Whoppers never gave up on the malty goodness. I prefer to suck on these delicious chocolatey malt balls (yes, I know how that sounds) and let the malt seep into my tongue until it pickles.
#5 – Russell Stover Easter Eggs
When you’re done performing cunnilingus on that Cadbury Creme Egg (you know you will now that I suggested to it you if you weren’t doing it before), it’s time to graduate to the Russell Stover eggs.
That Russell Stover does some good shit with chocolate eggs, let me tell you. Creme, marshmallow, you name it.
#4 – Starburst Jelly Beans
While I still maintain that all jelly beans should be orange and only orange, if you can’t get your hands on any orange beans, or jelly bellies, then Starburst beans are pretty fruity and flavorful. They’ve put many pounds on my butt over the years. Also, not a single black licorice in the bunch.
#3 – Hershey’s Carrot Cake Kisses
You know, I could be engaging in candy rating malpractice, largely because I’ve never had one of these before. They are new, but people tell me they are orgasmic and to die for. This surprises me because I feel like carrot cake is ok. I mean, I’ll eat it if it’s there but I’ve never been like, “OMG I have a carrot cake craving and I must have it!” Still, many people have given these high marks, so I’ll add them to the list.
Have you had one? Tell me what you think.
#2 – Peeps
Yummy marshmallow inside. Delicious sugary coating on the outside. Get the bunnies and bite scores of ears off, or get the chicks and behead them with your teeth. Yes, you get your jollies off by torturing candy animals, don’t you, you big weirdo?
#1 – Chocolate Bunnies
Speaking of torturing candy animals, is there a candy animal that is abused more than the chocolate bunny?
Seriously. What do you bite off first? The ears, of course. Yes…bite those ears off, so that little hollow rascal can’t hear you as you laugh and laugh at his pain, as you guffaw and chuckle at his helpless state!
Not that I’ve thought this through. Ears, face, butt. That’s how I eat a chocolate bunny. How about you?
Your Favorite Candy
Did I fail to talk about the horrible things I would do to your favorite Easter candy? Tell me in the comments.
I have to go with cheddar. Although, you can’t go wrong with a good piece of Swiss.
Sorry, I’m working on my books, so alas, this blog will suffer…more so than it already has.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Hey 3.5 readers.
That’s right. Amazon has opened up a grocery store without checkout lines, cash registers, employees taking your money or what have you.
The whole thing works with your phone and when you walk out the door, you get charged for whatever food you’ve got with you. The food items have sensors or something and somehow this damn robot store can tell what food you have taken.
I’m curious how they’d stop shoplifters. I mean, OK they’ll charge your phone if you have it set up so there’s in that case, even stuffing a bag of Funions down your pants won’t work because you’ll just get charge for those delicious crispy onion treats.
But what if you don’t have the app set up? I assume Jeff Bezos just sends a team of drones to hunt you down, pick you up by your feet and jingle all the spare change out of your pockets.
It’s very interesting. I can see some good behind it. It speeds things up so you don’t have to wait in line. You can just walk right out the door when you have everything you need.
On the other hand, I do feel bad as this may very well lead to less jobs for grocery store workers. I know that personally, I have seen more and more stores up the number of self-check out registers in recent years so automation seems to be the trend.
You know what I would love? If I could just enter all the stuff I want into an app, order it, and then when I show up at the store, someone just hands it to me because they’ve packed it up already.
Come to think of it, there are some stores that do have an online ordering/delivery feature where you can order in line and then they deliver the food to your house. The downside is you can’t squeeze the melons in the produce section to see if they are ripe or not and I hate to miss out on that because this is the most action I get in life.
What say you, 3.5 readers? Is this how Skynet begins?
Happy Thanksgiving, 3.5 readers.
What food stuffs are you going to be stuffing into your face hole today?
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are BQB’s favorites in no particular order:
10. STUFFING – My favorite and really the thing I look forward to the most. Why we don’t have it all year round I don’t know. I suppose I could if I knew how to cook. I’d make a joke that Video Game Rack Fighter could pause her latest game of Car Thief Mayhem and make me some, but then I’d get sued by Gloria Allred.
Where was I? Right. Stuffing. The only thing, and apparently I’m one of few who thing this way, I like just the regular good old plain stuffing. I don’t want celery or vegetable or sausage in it. Disgusting. I just want heaping forkfuls of seasoned mushy bread.
Alien Jones, zap me up some stuffing, will you?
9. TURKEY – Duh. A no brainer. Plus, it makes me sleepy so I have a built in excuse to fall asleep and not have to listen to the Yeti’s latest nonsensical super angry snow beast rants.
8. CRANBERRY SAUCE – Oddly, I was against this for many years. I never understood how it fit in with the rest of the dishes. Then I took the plunge and mixed some in with my stuffing and I was sold. Like Vinny Baggadouchio’s advice, it does not suck.
7. MASHED POTATOES – Much like my writing, they’re dry and bland. And for some reason, I don’t really want them any time of the year other than this time. Tradition I suppose.
6. BISCUITS – Not just any biscuits. You have to get the kind that come in the vacuum sealed cardboard tube that have been packed in there so tight that when you open it up it rips a hole in the space-time continuum. Such amazing technology could have only been invented by Dr. Hugo Von Science.
5. SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE – You wouldn’t know it to look at the furry little schmuck, but Bookshelf Q. Battledog is actually quite the chef. Every year he whips up a delicious sweet potato casserole. He tosses in some marshmallow goo and some brown sugar. I think he also tosses in some drool but I try not to think about that.
4. CHOCOLATE CHIP COCONUT COOKIES – Search Engine Optimized Poet did a web search for these tasty treats and he’s been making them ever since. It isn’t that hard. You just make chocolate chip cookies and add coconut. Then you write a poem about your baking experience.
3. POTATOES AU GRATIN – So much starch, so little time. The Astounding Nerdstradamus loves cheesy French taters so much that he predicts that they will be the only thing that people eat in the year 7000. I hope I make it until then but if not I’ll have to take his word for it.
2. BANANA PUDDING – Of course Professor Nannerpants makes this dish but he is offended that you think of him in such stereotypical terms.
What say you, 3.5 readers? What will you be stuffing in your face hole this Thanksgiving?
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Don’t you hate it when you think you’re going to get a big ass candy bar but instead you get a teeny tiny candy bar instead?
“Oh it’s fun sized! This pathetic little candy bar is so much fun!”
Bleh, let me tell you, that is some Don Draper Madison Avenue Mad Men Peggy Olsen bullshit right there. “Fun Size” was invented so that candy companies could sell shit tons of candy during the Halloween season and while I haven’t done the math in my vampiric brain, I’m willing to bet that when you buy one of those bags of fun sized candy bars, they’re selling you less chocolate for more money.
Bleh! I’m so angry I’m bleh-ing all over the place. I’m too lazy to do the math. One of you nerds, go analyze the square footage of the average amount of chocolate in a bag of fun sized candy bars, compare it to an equal amount of regular, non-fun sized candy bar chocolate, then do a price comparison, carry the four, add the denominator, multiply times PI and then tell me if I’m full of vampire shit or if I’m onto something, bleh.
“Oh look at me, I have a regular big sized candy bar and it is so boring I wish I had a tiny candy bar then it would be fun.”
You know what’s worse? One of those assholes who can actually just eat one piece of fun sized candy. Because you know the rest of us whales are inhaling so many pieces of the fun sized candy that we’re probably eating the equivalent of a dozen regular, boring size candy bars.
And that’s how they get you! Because when the candy is small, then you shovel it in your stupid cake hole and then you eat all the candy even though you never would have eaten a dozen regular boring size candy bars in one sitting because if you did then you know you’d have a problem.
So on top of all that, you have to haul your fat chocolate stuffed ass back to the store and buy even more fun size candy because you don’t want to be that one assface in the neighborhood that everyone hates because you don’t have any candy to pass out on Halloween, bleh!
Bleh, just thinking about all this has me feeling defeated. I am a vampire and I have been defeated by candy, bleh.