REAL NAME: Dr. Hugo Von Science
FORMER OFFICIAL TITLE: Distinguished Professor of Science, Advanced Science Institute of Science University (Professorship Revoked in 2015)
BIOGRAPHY: Dr. Hugo Von Science was once considered the greatest scientific mind of the modern age. He has patented over a million inventions,the most noteworthy including:
- The Incredible Exploding Chinchilla – Dropped from the skies in tiny parachutes, these dangerous rodents are programmed to scurry to their targets and blow them up. No respectable military unit ever enters a war zone without a bag of incredible exploding chinchillas.
- Teflon Underpants – Save a bundle on your grundle trundle, baby. Stains wipe off easily. Buy one pair, put them on, and they’ll be the last pair you ever need. They come in blue, red, black, and chartreuse. Chartreuse teflon underpants are all the rage in the Milan fashion scene.
- The Duck Cannon and the “Duck, Duck!” Cannon – one device launches a water fowl at a rapid pace and the other blasts a warning that an impending duck is on the way. Used in tandem by duck launching enthusiasts.
Dr. Hugo became known as “the most trusted name in science” by becoming an ambassador for all things methodical and rational. He appeared on many talk shows extolling the virtues of a scientific education and was a rock star to young science nerds the world over.
Many youngsters, BQB included, vied for coveted spots in his class at the Advanced Science Institute.
Dr. Hugo speaks with a thick German accent, referring to everyone as “mein leibchen,” a German term of endearment.
No one remembers when it started, but signs of bitterness have been working their way into Dr. Hugo’s personality for years. Perhaps it was one too many patents being absconded with by cold hearted corporations. Maybe it was one too many research grants being cut by the bean counters.
Whatever it was, Dr. Hugo would often make odd public statements, claiming he was working on inventions that he’d one day use to conquer the world, only to shout, “Woopsie! I vasn’t supposed to mention that just yet!”
If only Dr. Hugo’s absent minded rantings had been paid more attention to, a zombie apocalypse that devastated East Randomtown might have been avoided.
Enraged that useless reality television stars make more money that scientists do, Dr. Hugo turned a bunch of them into zombies. His revenge scheme got out of control when zombified celebrities spread the virus all over BQB’s hometown.
Dr. Hugo’s professorship was revoked and from his statue in the quad to the lecture hall that was named after him, the Advanced Science Institute worked overtime to cut all ties to the icon turned mad scientist.
He is currently at large. Authorities have been unable to capture him as he has been using his invention, the two-jump pogo stick, to launch himself wherever he wants to go in the world within two jumps.
The 3.5 readers are advised that if they see Dr. Hugo, they should not attempt to apprehend him themselves as he is considered armed, dangerous, and known to be smuggling multiple incredible exploding chinchillas in his teflon underpants at all times.
Even on the lamb, he continues, against BQB’s will, to file his column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”
You really can’t, can you?
Bookshelf Battle 