And if so, what did you think?
And if so, what did you think?
Hey 3.5 readers. Alas, my podcasting career was short lived, but I was so surprised that I was able to figure out how to get a podcast recorded and posted, that I’ll share the info with you:
#1 – What Is Your Podcast About?
That’s really up to you, but I’ve listened to good podcasts and lousy ones. The good ones have a theme, a point, a structure. If it’s just you and your musings, make it clear that’s what the listener will get. If it’s about your love of ancient paintings of toucan beaks, be clear about that too.
You may not have professional experience, but you’ve listened to enough radio to wing it. My biggest pet peeve is podcasts where there are multiple hosts and they giggle and laugh and tell inside jokes and then someone says something like, “Should we tell the audience what that means?” and the response is “No, tee hee hee. Well, sorry, but eff you dummies. You came to entertain me, so either do it or shut off the recorder and have your own private conversation. Don’t make your audience feel like an unwanted third wheel.
I keep wondering if I was too hard on myself. My voice sucks, there’s no way around it. I sort of hope that with more practice I could at least work on diction, pronunciation, pacing, timing, getting rid of stuttering, stammering, lost train of thought and so on.
So practice does make perfect but at the same time, don’t be too hard on yourself. While the little errors should be removed from your book, I just don’t think it is possible for even the most professional talker to get through a broadcast without an “Uhh” or an “umm.” It’s when they come every five seconds then it becomes a problem.
#2 – Get a Mic
I’m no expert here, but I know at least enough to tell you that the mic built into your laptop will not do. You’ll need an actual mic to connect to your computer. What’s the best one? You’ll have to search around for that information. Best for me was what I was able to afford and until you’re raking in the big bucks, you might want to stick with that too. Don’t shell out your life savings on a fancy microphone, record one podcast, decide it sucks and you’re done. That will just lead to embarrassment in a few decades when you tell your grandkids the story of that dusty old microphone in the corner with cobwebs all over it.
#3 – Train on the Software
I used Garageband for Mac, though I hear Audacity is preferred for PC. My advice will be geared toward Garageband as I never used Audacity.
I am a complete novice, but here are some things I was able to pick up that got me from, “I could never do this” to “this is hypothetically possible.
Yup. You’re not an idiot. That happens. Just keep talking. Record what you want to say. Your recording will look like a big long running graph of your voice. Find the parts where you hit buttons, breathed too hard, burped, farted or whatever. I’m not sure what the marker that you move around the screen is called so I’ll just call it, “the marker.” Put the marker between what you want to keep and what you want to delete. Press Command + T at the same time and voila! Snippy snippy! Just like taking a pair of scissors to a piece of tape. (That’s how people edited sound back in the day, millennials.)
You should have a cool intro, maybe some music, some kind of lead in, maybe a prerecorded interview or some soundbites you want to play. You’ll have to study it more than I am able to explain here, but the short version is Garageband allows you to load up all your sounds, then drag and drop them next to where you want them to be in your recording.
Yes, you’ll want awesome music but you don’t want it to end abruptly and then start speaking. But you don’t want it blaring over your voice either. You want it to build up and then start going down so the listener’s ears transition from the song to the words coming out of your cake hole. I hate to be lazy, but I’m lazy. I’ll confirm it is possible and it is just a matter of bringing up a line that goes over the voice of your music, plotting out points where you want the music to decline, then recording your voice and dragging underneath where the music fades out.
I don’t know how Howard Stern does it when he’s talking live. I assume Fred has a fader button.
#4 – YouTube Videos
I literally obtained my limited podcasting knowledge by watching YouTube videos. There’s a YouTube video about how to do almost anything. I was utterly confounded by Garageband until I found a good video that told me how to use it.
#5 – How Do I Get My Fabulous Podcast Onto iTunes?
Ah, iTunes. It’s the place to be for podcasts. But you can’t just start there. Steve Jobs didn’t get super rich by offering free hosting space, you know.
You need another site to host your podcast and generate an RSS feed for you. You might be able to do it on your own website, but don’t look to me to tell you how, for my name is not Bookshelf Q. Einstein.
Soundcloud and Podbean will both allow you a small amount of free space where you can upload your podcast file. However, if you decide that you’re going to be a regular podcaster, you’ll need to dole out some cash to get more hosting space. Your choice of site. I went with Soundcloud because it looks hipper to me.
There may be completely free sites but I’m not smart enough to know about them.
Once you’ve got a site to host your podcast, you can log on to iTunes podcast connect and link up your RSS feed. iTunes will review your podcast and assuming they don’t have any problems with it, it will appear in iTunes podcasts once they approve it. I don’t know how long it will take them to approve. I don’t work for Apple, so stop bugging me, nerd.
#6 – Is There Anything I Should Be Worried About?
Lots, probably. Just off the top of my head, don’t hijack copyrighted material. You might like a popular song, but you can’t just lift it and make it your intro, for example. Just as there are stock photo sites for blogs, there are stock sounds/songs sites for podcasts. Also, you might think you’re a nobody and no one’s listening but even so, nobodies can be sued for slander and defamation, so mind your p’s and q’s, buster.
Done well, it can probably be a great marketing tool and if you get enough subscribers, you might be able to sell some advertising in order to fund your nerdy empire. My fear is that it isn’t something you roll out of bed being able to do and even if you master the tech, you, sigh, still have to be someone that people want to listen to and provide a show that people will want to listen to.
Thus, for me, the fear is I don’t want to do it until I’m able to provide something that doesn’t make me sound like a dope. I’ve listened to podcasts that sound like they came from people who half-assed it and I was left with the impression that they are dopes. Remember, people are less likely to buy your book, read your blog, partake of your content if you come across as a dope, so if you’re going to do it, do it well.
Why did I buy this? Someone please confiscate my wallet.
After seeing these things for years, but without a reason to justify buying one, I finally went for it.
Let’s discuss the pros and cons.
All that being said, it is a decent camera. I’m a tech nerd. I enjoy this stuff so I find it fun to play with. If you’re active and you want to record your athletic abilities for the masses, this gadget is for you. If you’re a couch potato who wants to record video, you’d probably be better off just getting a standard hard drive video camcorder.
Or hell, just take videos with your phone like everyone else does.
Fun fact: Go Pro’s stock took a dive in 2016, the explanation being that pretty much every one who wants a Go Pro has one and the market for future Go Pro purchases is small. After all, there aren’t that many assholes who want to jump out of a plane and record their parachute free fall.
However, word has it that Go Pro is working on virtual reality and so on so who knows. Hopefully they have some surprises in the years to come.
Ugh. Tim Cook gets more of my money.
BQB here with a review of an iWatch.
Let me break it down between pros and cons:
It’s up to you. I’m a tech nerd so I’m into this stuff. If you’re not into it, you can surely live without it.
Dick Tracy’s dream is here but alas, technology made Dick Tracy’s dream obsolete long ago.
Excuse me while I go try to impress Video Game Rack Fighter with my iWatch.
Over this fine Christmas holiday, I had the chance to witness the birth of a Hatchimal.
Once you get it, it seems like a pretty lame plastic egg. But play with it, pick it up, rub it, and eventually it starts pecking away at the egg until it is all gone. Then it is a baby for a while, then it is a toddler for a while and finally it is a kid for a while. In other words, it grows up over time and changes its reactions accordingly.
Does it seem like a dumb toy? On the surface, yes. But I have to say, it’s a remarkable piece of engineering. Consider what has to happen for this thing to work:
In other words, a lot of science went into this thing. I was impressed. If you have a kid, you should get him/her a Hatchimal.
Just beware dud Hatchimals. There have been reports of some of them not hatching and some reports that they swear, though I have a hard time believing that. They seem so cute and good natured but then again it’s always the ones you don’t suspect.
“Alexa, can you under me new socks? Alexa, can you order me more toilet paper? Alexa…can you help solve a murder case….DUN DUN DUN.”
Yes, 3.5 readers, Amazon’s Alexa, the little voice on an Echo Dot that you can put in your home and ask to order you shit and do stuff for you has become the focus of a murder case in Arkansas, where authorities believe Alexa may have heard (i.e. recorded) incriminating evidence or may have been used to order something incriminating.
I don’t know. On the one hand, Amazon can be a big help. You can order things as you realize you need them and if you have Prime, they’ll come in a day or two. Otherwise, if you are busy, you might have to suck it up and go without it until you can get to the store, and then what if you go to the store with your shopping list and you forget? Plus, you have to drive to the store, walk around all the aisles, carry all the shit into your house…bleh.
I can see why prosecutors might want the information in order to help put a murderer away. As a conspiracy theorist though, I wonder if there’s a slippery slope where government agents in black helicopters might start collecting info on when I order new underpants or whatever.
I don’t have an Echo Dot. I have mixed feelings on Amazon. The ease of ordering is good. Sometimes it is too good and then you end up ordering crap you don’t need.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Hey 3.5 readers.
That’s right. Amazon has opened up a grocery store without checkout lines, cash registers, employees taking your money or what have you.
The whole thing works with your phone and when you walk out the door, you get charged for whatever food you’ve got with you. The food items have sensors or something and somehow this damn robot store can tell what food you have taken.
I’m curious how they’d stop shoplifters. I mean, OK they’ll charge your phone if you have it set up so there’s in that case, even stuffing a bag of Funions down your pants won’t work because you’ll just get charge for those delicious crispy onion treats.
But what if you don’t have the app set up? I assume Jeff Bezos just sends a team of drones to hunt you down, pick you up by your feet and jingle all the spare change out of your pockets.
It’s very interesting. I can see some good behind it. It speeds things up so you don’t have to wait in line. You can just walk right out the door when you have everything you need.
On the other hand, I do feel bad as this may very well lead to less jobs for grocery store workers. I know that personally, I have seen more and more stores up the number of self-check out registers in recent years so automation seems to be the trend.
You know what I would love? If I could just enter all the stuff I want into an app, order it, and then when I show up at the store, someone just hands it to me because they’ve packed it up already.
Come to think of it, there are some stores that do have an online ordering/delivery feature where you can order in line and then they deliver the food to your house. The downside is you can’t squeeze the melons in the produce section to see if they are ripe or not and I hate to miss out on that because this is the most action I get in life.
What say you, 3.5 readers? Is this how Skynet begins?
Hello 3.5 Englishes,
Your old pal BQB here.
So check it out.
I’m thinking about becoming Amish for the following reasons:
#1 – Too much stress. Too much technology.
That’s two reasons. Too much stressful technology? OK now it is one.
Cell phones were a great invention but really never should have evolved other than you have a device you can use to call someone and ask for help if you find yourself in a jam.
YES – “I’ve run my car off the road and need help!”
NO – “Hello this is your boss. I know you are on vacation but I need to talk to you on the phone right now while you are sitting on the toilet in the bathroom of a Tijuana Señor Frog’s.”
3.5 READERS: But BQB what about your blog?
Good riddance, infernal blog! Who needs you? Always pestering me to update you just to entertain 3.5 readers.
NOTE: I’m just kidding. I love you blog and 3.5 readers.
#2 – Health – Diet and Exercise
Have you ever seen a fat Amish guy? No!
Why? First they’re always exercising. But they’re not going to gym like assholes and running around on a treadmill like a goddamn hamster on a wheel are they?
No. They are not. They are raising barns and churning butter and planting crops and so on.
Shit actually happens when they exercise.
Wait. You know what? Up until like 1950 people didn’t even think to call strenuous activity “exercise.” They just called it “doing shit.”
Here’s what people were like:
CHESTER: Hey Bob! You doing some shit on your farm?
BOB: Sure am, Chester. I’m doing all this shit on my farm, then later I’m going to pickup some heavy shit and move some shit and dig up some shit and plant some shit. You off to do some shit of your own?
CHESTER: Of course. Gotta get to my farm where I will also do a ton of shit. In fact, I got a long ass fuckin’ walk to my farm and I’ll tell you even that wears the shit out of me. But once I walk to my farm I’m going to do a lot of shit.
BOB: Boy howdy, doing shit sure does keep you from becoming a fat fuck doesn’t it?
CHESTER: What’s a fat fuck, Bob? I’ve never seen or heard of one before.
BOB: I think I saw one in a picture book once. Some egghead scientist theorized that if people ever stop doing shit they’ll get really fat.
CHESTER: Aint that some shit?
But now we’ve got cars and computers and gadgets and shit so a lot of the heavy lifting is gone.
Second reason why you never see a fat Amish guy – they’ve got good diets.
Seriously. They don’t have Amish McDonalds. They no quiero Taco Bell. They don’t have processed foods.
You know what their food process is? They pull a damn carrot out of the ground and shove it in their suck hole and then if they want a steak they cut it off the ass of the cow that has been their family friend for years.
That in and of itself would get me to stop eating meat and become a vegetarian.
I love steak and burgers, but only as long as some nameless butcher in some factory somewhere is hacking the cow to pieces somewhere far, far away where I never see it.
If I have to hack the cow up then I’ll just eat carrots instead. I’m not going to bond with Bossy the cow and then be all like, “I’m hungry so time to die, Bossy.”
And I love chicken, especially chicken tenders and chicken nuggets…but not enough to wrap my hands around a chicken’s neck and strangle the ever loving shit out of it until I watch all of that chicken’s hopes and dreams fade from its eyes as the last bit of its life force exits its feathery carcass.
No thank you. Fuck that. Pass the broccoli. And no matter how many reports I get that broccoli is good for you, I will never forego red meat and chicken meat in the name of broccoli unless I’m Amish.
#3 – Romance Simplified
Oh my God. Dating is such bullshit.
Just arrange my marriage when I’m five. Or you know what? Just let me choose. The one in the bonnet or the other one in the bonnet.
And let her choose too. This isn’t Communist Russia. Let her choose between me, the one in the beard and the hat or the other one in the beard and the hat.
I’m sure there is a modicum of bullshit that enters into Amish dating.
“Oh, I was going to marry Ezekiel but Jedediah has raised far more many barns!”
But that’s fine. I’ll just raise a lot of barns. At least then I know what to do. Here in the modern world women get mad at you and you never know why and even they don’t know why.
But in Amish world its simple. You just haven’t raised enough barns and you need to raise some more and then you will be able to get your hands on an Amish babe’s sweet, sweet ankle.
So that’s it.
Those are my three reasons.
I want to be Amish so I can kick technology to the curb, exercise more, eat less and eat more nutritious food and impress women by raising barns.
What say you, 3.5 readers? Am I on to something here? Do you want to become Amish with me?
Hello. I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, noted ugly rights advocate, champion yeti fighter, proponent for a cure for Lightning Infused Toaster Paper Toilet Death (we must find the cure in our lifetime) and the owner of a website owned by 3.5 readers.
Blah blah blah, you know my spiel about not getting political.
But here’s a thought I wonder if everyone couldn’t consider. And I’ll say up front, I’m not sure how it could be carried out.
It just seems like it is becoming too much that people are able to cut a check to a candidate for huge amounts of money and then say with a straight face that this transaction doesn’t mean the candidate’s loyalty hasn’t been bought or that the donator is doing it solely on ideology and not expecting some kind of quid pro quo.
The problem has always been that the money has always been needed. You don’t take it, your opponent will, your opponent can then buy a lot of TV ads and attack you 24/7.
But look at the tech today.
First, it is easier to collect small donations from the little guy. Few people have the attention span to remember to write a check, address an envelope and mail it to the campaign of their choice.
However, if the laptop is already on your lap, burning your genitals while you’re watching Scandal Thursday nights on ABC, it doesn’t take much effort to send your candidate whatever you are willing to part with.
Should there be a cap? Hypothetically, yeah, if its limited to, say, a hundred dollars per person then I’m not sure the average politician would become beholden to someone for a hundred bucks.
In other words, its never been easier to collect small donations from the general public and those donations won’t necessarily lead to an unsavory phone call demanding that a politician engage in sketchy behavior.
Second, and here’s the big one – video and/or other content has never been easier to produce, create, and share.
Seriously. If some kid in his dorm can generate a million followers on YouTube by buying everything he needs at the local Best Buy, then surely the prospective leaders of the free world can.
Really – buy ad time? Seems like an outdated concept. Turn on your smart phone, say something controversial about your opponent, post it, and then the media will pick it up.
OLD WAY: Buy millions of dollars worth of ads to play a commercial about how your opponent is a butt face.
NEW WAY: Turn on cell phone camera. Say, “My opponent is a butt face.” Post. Wait for major networks to report that you called your opponent a butt face. Heck, your ardent followers will even spread your message to all their friends, informing them that you think your opponent is a butt face.
AND THE BEST PART:
What say you, 3.5 readers?