The Illiad Rebooted – Chapter 8

Odysseus stood up and paced around one side of the table.

“Tyndareus,” the king’s guest said. “There are two conflicting forces at play here. On the one hand, you, as Helen’s father, are gatekeeper to the most awe-inspiring cooter in the world. In truth, your responsibility to decide the fate of this magnificent cooter provides you with tremendous power. ”

The king stroked his beard. “Not sure it is necessary to be that vulgar, Odysseus, but go on.”

The guest wagged his finger in the air. “What you must also realize is there isn’t a king, lord, warrior, or other man of great stature around who is not convinced that he is, by virtue of all his accomplishments, the man most worthy of the most jaw droppingly bodacious cooter in all the land.”

Tyndareus frowned. “Must you continue to use the word ‘cooter’ in reference to my daughter?”

“Snootch, box, penis fly trap, honey pot, muffin, bearded clam,” Odysseus said. “It doesn’t matter. These are all words. What matters, pops, is that any honorable man will always respect the right of a father to choose his daughter’s husband but…”

Father and sons waited patiently for Odysseus to finish his thought.

“…you need to give everyone interested a chance to make their pitch first.”

The king drummed his fingers on the table. “Pitch?”

“You’ve got to invite every swinging dick who has the hots for Helen to come and plead their case to you why they are the best choice to become your son-in-law,” Odysseus explained.

“Could be interesting,” Castor said.

“There could be games,” Pollux added. “Feats of strength.”

“Trials by combat,” Castor said.

“Whatever,” Odysseus said. “Make these clowns jump through as many hoops as you want but the point is you need to give everyone at least five minutes to tell you why they deserve to marry your daughter.”

“Perhaps a finer man than Menelaus will even be able to convince you to listen to reason, father,” Pollux said.

Tyndareus tapped his chin and thought for a spell. “No. My mind is made up. Menelaus is the only choice that guarantees peace.”

“That’s fine,” Odysseus said. “Then the whole spectacle will be one great big sham, then. But you need to have the sham before you announce that you’ve chosen the younger butt hole brother or else all the great men in the land will take your failure to consider them as a slight and declare war over Helen’s resplendent vag.”

The king nodded. “Agreed. You have developed quite a silver tongue, Odysseus.”

“Its a gift,” the guest replied.

Pollux raised his hand. “Father?”

“Yes, my son?”

“I was thinking,” Pollux said. “What if we were to allow Helen to simply meet and court a number of fine, upstanding men and when she is ready, let her choose the one who she determines of her own free will to be the most suitable?”

Castor, Pollux, and Tyndareus all traded glances for a full minute before Odysseus finally broke out into laughter.

“Oh Pollux!” Odysseus said with tears streaming from his eyes. “I love you man, but you can be such a dumbass!”

“What?” Pollux asked. “What’s wrong with that?”

“Do try to keep imbecilic thoughts like that to yourself, brother,” Castor said as he slapped his knee.

“Come on,” Pollux said as he looked to the king. “Father, that’s reasonable.”

“That is the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life,” Tyndareus said. “Women making their own decisions. Honest to gods, Pollux.”

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