And so, Tyndareus sent his finest messengers to spread word all throughout Greece that his daughter, the voluptuous and vivacious Helen of Sparta, inspirer of boners the world over, was available for marriage and all interested suitors must make their way to the king’s palace in order to plead their case.
After a few weeks, the old king, his sons, and his smooth talking houseguest found themselves standing on the steps of the palace, looking out at a sea of eligible bachelors that stretched out for miles.
“Perhaps we should put a cap on this,” Castor said.
“Only the first one thousand suitors to get to through the door will be considered?” Pollux asked.
“Gods no,” Castor said. “That would turn into a bloodbath quick.”
“Great Zeus’s beard, Odysseus,” Tyndareus said. “I couldn’t possibly interview all of these perverts.”
Odysseus observed the crowd. Sure, there were plenty of kings, princes, warriors and other men of noble stock or great accomplishment, and of course, they’d all brought their own contingents of servants and underlings with them.
A man decked out in a velvety red robe shouted over everyone around him.
“Pick me, King Tyndareus, for I am Amphimachus, the greatest mac daddy in all of Greece!”
Amphimachus snapped his fingers and his servant held up an open chest filled with gold coins.
“I bring you riches to compliment your wisdom, good king, and there’s more where that came from!”
The Daddy of All Greek Macs was about to continue his plea when he was cut off by a man in a clean, white toga.
“Nay, my king! Select me, Polyxenus the Proud, and I shall deliver unto you a hundred fertile brood mares to supply the mighty Spartan army with as many horses as they need.”
“Shit,” Castor said. “Gold and horses.”
“We might get rich off this,” Pollux said.
Tyndareus grew tired of the spectacle and stared at Odysseus with exhausted eyes. “Do something.”
Odysseus nodded then raised his hands up in the air. “Hey!”
No one was paying attention. Everyone was too busy shouting their bribes offered in exchange for the right to acquire Helen’s splendiferous vag.
“A thousand goats!”
“Fuck those goats! I’ll give you all the sapphires you can carry!”
“Fuck those goats and those sapphires! I’ll give you your own island!”
Odysseus stuck his pointer into the right side of his mouth and his middle finger into the left. This allowed him to make an ear splitting whistle.
“Yo!” the adventurer said. “Shut your suck holes, ass bags! This is a classy affair!”
The sea of suitors calmed down and paid the speaker their full, rapt attention.
“That’s better,” Odysseus said. “Alright, check it. Thank you all for turning out to court Helen of Sparta, the most beautiful princess in all the world.”
And that ended the calm. Cat calls. Whistles. Hooting. Hollering.
“Shut it!” Odysseus barked.
The crowd was silent again.
“Now, we’ve got some rules here,” Odysseus said. “First of all, everyone needs to chill the fuck out and stop acting like a bunch of animals. You’re trying to impress the King of Sparta, idiots, so behave yourselves and stop tossing your bribes out willy nilly as if Tyndareus is some type of common reprobate.”
Tyndareus leaned over to whisper into Odysseus’s ear. “I mean, I’m not totally against it if they’re offering…”
Odysseus nodded. “Instead, be gentlemen about it and slip the king your bribes when no one is looking. Really, people, this is all common sense.”
The adventurer strutted about the steps as he selected his words. “On that note, if you are a broke ass loser, a pathetic weakling, or a man who has accomplished nothing of import in his life, begone!”
The rabble grew restless as angry words were thrown Odysseus’s way.
“Oh get off it,” Odysseus said. “I’m not saying that Helen is a gold digging freak, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke ass Greeks, ya feel me? If you can’t take care of yourself, then you surely cannot take care of the most beautiful woman in the world.”
An old man with three teeth in his mouth hobbled up on his cane. “I agree! Kick out all these peasants and pick me, Hercules!”
A look of befuddlement came over Odysseus’s face. He squinted at the old man. “You’re not Hercules!”
“Yes I am!” the old man said as he flexed his arm and made the teeniest, tiniest muscle.
“You’re Hercules?” Odysseus asked.
“I sure am,” the old man said.
“The legendary warrior favored by the gods?” Odysseus asked.
“You know it, bitch,” the old man answered.
“The strongest man in all of Greece?” Odysseus asked.
“Damn skippy, son,” the old man said. “Now make with the poon already.”
Castor looked at the old man. “Impostor! This is not Hercules!”
Pollux also looked at the old man. “This is Lycus the Lecher, the most delinquent louse in all of Sparta!”
“And a pauper,” Castor said.
“Bah!” the old man said. “Eat a dick, Dioscuri!”
“OK the jig’s up you old bastard,” Odysseus said. “Take a hike.”
“I’m going, I’m going,” the old man said as he hobbled away. “Shit. Old ass man tries to get himself some magic cooch and y’all gotta make a federal case about it, bunch of wack ass punk ass trick ass marks.”
“And that goes for the rest of you,” Odysseus said. “If you’ve got no dough, then it is time to go!”
The ranks thinned as the penniless departed. Still, it was not enough.
“Next,” Odysseus said. “If you are a damn cyclops, a minotaur, or a monster of any kind, get to steppin’ because Helen don’t do no beasts, ya’ dig?”
Lagos, King of the Cyclopses, happened to be in attendance with five hundred of his one-eyed warriors.
“Bullshit, Odysseus!” Lagos said. “The cyclopses were here long before humans and we will be here long after your bones turn to dust!”
“Oh spare me the drama, Lagos,” Odysseus said. “Time for you and your one-eye to go bye-bye.”
Lagos beat his chest with his fist. “This is an outrage! I dragged out my one-eyed warriors, polished their helmets, and even made them stand at attention!”
Castor, Pollux, and Odysseus turned red face as they stifled their laughter.
“I’m sorry,” Odysseus said. “What did you say?”
“I said that I dragged out my one-eyed warriors and polished their helmets and…what? Why are you laughing?!”
Odysseus was doubled over. “Your…your…one-eyed warriors…look very stiff…and rigid! Bah ha ha!”
“Oh, damn you humans!” Lagos said as he turned his back and marched away. “One-eyed warriors, retreat!”
A loud hissing sound reverberated through everyone’s ears. The crowd separated to allow a gigantic beast through. It was well over ten feet tall, had the body of a long, slimy, snake, but instead of one reptilian head, it had nine.
“Hisssss,” the first head said.
“Fuck you and your no beast proclamation,” the second head said.
“We will have Helen’s glorious snapper!” the third head declared.
“Oh shut all of your stupid mouths, Hydra!” Odysseus said.
“No!” the fourth head said. “YOU shut YOUR mouth, dick cheese!”
Odysseus thumped his chest. “Why don’t you make me?”
“Hisssss,” the fifth head said. “Don’t think that we won’t!”
“Honestly Hydra,” Odysseus said. “What is this? A mid-millennium crisis?”
“What are you talking about?” the sixth head asked.
“We are confident as ever!” the seventh head cried.
“Are you now?” Odysseus asked. “Because it seems to me if you guys could still get it up, you’d be back in your cave going to town on a foxy ass she-hydra.”
“Hisssss,” the eighth head said. “We are the last hydra!”
“Yeah,” the ninth head said. “Way to open up old wounds, you insensitive prick!”
“Well,” Odysseus said. “Maybe if you’d been taking care of business your species wouldn’t be nearly extinct now and you’d be knee deep in hydra snatch, wouldn’t you?”
All nine heads hanged low as they started to cry.
The first head sniffed. “You’re…you’re right.”
“We didn’t believe in ourselves!” the second head said.
“We didn’t make the she-hydras happy!” the third head said.
“And now we are doomed to jerk off in our cave until the end of days!” the fourth head said.
“Yeesh,” Odysseus said. “Well, good luck with that.”
The heads lifted up.
“Give us the woman!” the fifth head said.
“Or meet your doom!” the sixth head said.
Odysseus drew his sword, threw himself into the crowd and lopped off the first hydra head before making a perfect landing.
The crowd looked on in amazement. The remaining hydra hands cried out in pain, then smiled and laughed as another head grew in the first head’s place.
The seventh head looked at the adventurer. “Cut off one of our heads…”
“…and another will grow in its place,” the eighth head said.
The ninth head looked glum as it stared down at the dead head lying on the ground.
“Yeah…but…I kind of fancied Steve.”
“Right, right,” the second head said. “Steve was a right friendly old bloke.”
“Who knows what this new dingus will be like?” the third head asked.
The new head, or rather, the replacement first head, look at his compatriots.
“Hey guys,” the new head said. “Want to go get some gluten free, non-dairy soy milk lattes and artisanal vegan scones?”
“Aww fuck me in the hydra ass,” the fourth head said.
“A bloody hipster!” the fifth head said.
“Damn you, Odysseus!” the sixth head griped. “You’ve saddled us with a lousy hipster!”
“I didn’t saddle you with a hipster,” Odysseus said. “You dipshits saddled yourselves with a hipster when you refused to leave.”
“Come on, guys,” the new head said. “Let’s go see a play. I bet I’ve already read the scroll its based on so I’ll whisper to you all throughout the performance how the scroll is so much better and how much smarter I am than all of you because I read the scroll and you all didn’t.”
“Ugh!” the seventh head said. “Do us a solid and cut him off, Odysseus!”
“Yes,” the eighth head said. “Maybe the next head will not be such an unmitigated chode gargler.”
“Well,” Odysseus said as he raised his sword. “If you insist…”
“Stop!” the ninth head said.
Odysseus backed off.
“What are you doing?” the second head asked.
“We cannot allow our heads to be chopped off simply because we don’t like one of them,” the ninth head said. “He is ours till he is lost in battle. ’Tis the hydra way.”
“Bollocks!” the third hydra said.
“He’s insufferable,” the fourth hydra said.
“Maybe he won’t be so bad once we get to know him,” the fifth hydra head said.
“Check your hydra privilege, bros,” the new head said. “These micro-aggressions are really triggering my anxiety and making me feel like I need to retreat into my safe space.”
Eight of of nine heads winced.
“Lets just go,” the fifth head said.
“Yeah,” the sixth head said. “Before we lose another head and it gets replaced with something even worse than a hipster.”
The hydra shifted its massive weight around and slithered away from the palace.
“What could be worse than a hipster?” the seventh head asked.
“I don’t know,” the eighth head said. “Door-to-door salesman trying to sell us shit that we’d just pay for with our own money?”
“Seems counterproductive,” the ninth head said.
“And he’d always try to sell us shit during dinner too I bet,” the second head said.
“Hey guys,” the new head said. “I think I’m going to grow a dirt beard and get a fedora.”
The other heads groaned.
“Shut up, new guy!” the third head said.
“Yeah!” the fourth head added. “Shut your gob!”
“Maybe I’ll get a tattoo of a Chinese symbol,” the new head said. “Something like ‘faith’ or ‘believe’ you know? People will see it and think I’m deep.”
“Oh gods,” the fifth head said. “Someone cut my head off so I don’t have to listen to this drivel any longer!”
Odysseus waited a minute for the hydra to slither away then continued his spiel.
“Right, now that all the monsters are gone…”
The adventurer spotted a nine-foot tall hulking figure wearing a cloak that was pulled down over its face.
“Raargh?” the figure asked.
“Yes, rarrgh!” Odysseus said. “Who are you?”
The figure shook its head and looked down. “Blarga raargh.”
Odysseus walked right up to the figure, leaned up his tippy toes and yanked its hood off to reveal noneother than the bullish head of the minotaur himself.
“Raaarga raarga rahhhh!”
“Don’t you ‘raarga raarrga rahh me, minotaur!” Odysseus said as he wagged his finger at the beast’s gold ring pierced snout.
“Arrgh flargha jaarga jaarga barrga barrga pppbbbhhht!”
“What?” Odysseus asked incredulously.
“Arrga slarga!” the minotaur shouted.
“That’s preposterous,” Odysseus said. “You don’t even know my mother.
The Dioscuri joined their friend.
“I knew it was a mistake letting you live, minotaur!” Castor said.
“Yes,” Pollux said. “Go back to your maze at once!”
The minotaur stomped his hoof. “Errgsa florgas!”
Odysseus gasped. “Minotaur! You kiss your mother with that mouth?”
The half-man/half-bull trudged away, defeated.
“Yeah!” Castor shouted.
“You better walk away!” Pollux added.
Without turning around, the minotaur flipped the Dioscuri the bird then continued to trudge off.
“Right then,” Odysseus said. “Now that the riffraff is gone, let’s get down to business.”