Daily Archives: March 6, 2018

Hollywood Wants Me to Chop Off My Penis to Cover Their Asses


Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.  Does the title of this post sound harsh?  Good.  It’s meant to be.  I am one unhappy movie buff.

First, a recollection.  3.5, when I was a young man, I had a dick boss.  You can all relate?  Good.  This dick would constantly make bad decisions.  I’d warn him that what he was telling me to do was going to backfire in some big way but he’d tell me to do it anyway.  Dutiful employee, I’d obey and the backfire would ensue.

Naturally, when the dick boss would be called upon for an explanation of the backfire by his higher up boss, the dick boss would cover his ass and blame me.  And then really, what am I going to do?  A young kid in his early 20s is going to go over his immediate boss’ head and talk to a higher up boss?  I think not.

But hey, at least I got paid to be my dick boss’ human blame shield and his shit.

I never got paid to eat Hollywood’s shit.  In fact, I paid to see a lot of their crummy movies this year and I even helped promote them with reviews on this exceptional blog and what did I get when I tuned in to see the Oscars?

I got a heaping bowl of shit.  Specifically, a bunch of fabulously wealthy, like almost supernaturally wealthy and good looking people who were all aware that sexual harassment was rampant in their industry but did absolutely nothing about it until it was exposed, now want to blame ME and YOU, the average Joe Blow, work a day viewer.

3.5 readers, let me ask you a question.  Did you rape a Hollywood starlet?  Did you ever tell an actress she had to shake hands with Mr. Winky if she wants a part in a movie?  Wait, do you even have any pull over what happens in the movie business?  Umm…have you even been to California?

I have not done any of those things.  I’m just a random guy who has been respectful to women my entire life.  Sometimes, and I hate to say it’s possible to be “too respectful,” but I know I lost a few women because when the moment was right, I hesitated to give them the old smooch-a-roo and that was it for them.  They deemed me unmanly and moved on.

But I digress.

This was basically the theme of Oscar night this year.  It wasn’t Harvey Weinstein or any of the other big shots with a casting couch and their demands for sex in exchange for stardom.

It wasn’t any of the famous and super wealthy movie stars who knew this was going on for years and due to their wealth and fame, could have easily exposed it, concerns about losing acting work be damned because they’ve already made a zillion times more than what the average person makes in a thousand lifetimes and never have to worry about money ever again.

Nope.  It was me.  And you.  Anyone with a trouser snake.  Jimmy Kimmel, who apparently has been neutered since his days at “The Man Show,” which was a show on Comedy Central in the early 2000s that focused primarily on drinking beer and watching “The Juggies” i.e. big breasted women bounce up and down on trampolines, joked that Oscar was the perfect man because he didn’t have a penis.

Nope.  I assure you Jimbo, if you look at the numbers, the vast amount of penis owners aren’t doing anything illicit with their penises.  The vast majority of men have been torn down into becoming impotent shadows of what their manly grampas used to be.  The average man yearns for regular access for poontang but then settles for a sad, tear laced personal wank session whilst watching the latest updates to PornHub.

It wasn’t me.  It wasn’t you.  It was Harvey and all the powerful big shots like Harvey and all of the powerful big shots who protected him for years and years.  That’s who did it.

You know what I would have liked to have seen Sunday night?  I would have liked it if one of these celebrities who knew what was going on, just one, would have gotten up and said something like, “Hey everyone.  I knew.  A lot of us knew.  We didn’t do anything about it because we like being celebrities.  We like appearing in movies and on TV shows.  All that attention, it’s like a drug and being a celebrity is the closest a person can get to immortality, knowing that years from now, people will still be watching films we were in.  We were afraid of losing that but we shouldn’t have.  We should have realized that the possibility of being retaliated against and getting pushed out of the movie business was less important than blowing the whistle and making sure that not one more aspiring actress would be molested or put in a bad situation.  Now that we know that the public is listening and will support us if we speak up and that the industry won’t tolerate bad behavior anymore, we will sound the alarm if we ever come across those who abuse their power.”

That’s it.  I’d of said bravo and way to take responsibility.  But nope.  The penis is to blame.  If you have a penis, it was your fault, even if you’ve never even been to Hollywood.

All I know is my heart sunk a little when Jimmy Kimmel said, and I quote, “I wish I were a woman.”

Sigh.  It’s not enough to say, “I support women.”  Nope.  You have to publicly demand that your penis be replaced with a vagina now.

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