Daily Archives: August 8, 2018

BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Swordfish (2001)


Halle Berry’s titties.

For years, that’s all I remembered about this film – that (those?) and also that it seemed kind of dumb at the time.

In the early 2000s, you couldn’t have asked for a better collection of actors.  John Travolta was knee deep in his “Pulp Fiction” career recovery.  Hugh Jackman and Halle Berry were fresh off of being X-Men (Wolverine and Storm, respectively).  Meanwhile, Don Cheadle was in, well, everything.

But…sometimes you can take a bunch of awesome things, like graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate and create something awesome, like s’mores.  And sometimes you can take some awesome things, like pizza, beer and an all night dance party and end up puking your guts out.

In other words, the actors were great but the plot sort of came across as though a bunch of writers got together and said, “Let’s just bypass this whole plot thing and have a lot of awesome explosions, action and get Halle Berry to gratuitously flash her funbags for no reason.

Interestingly enough, I caught this on Netflix after having not seen it since I did in the movie theater oh so many years ago.  And for the first hour or so, I recalled why I thought the movie blew chunks in the first place.

Jackman plays Stanley Jobson, supposedly the world’s greatest hacker, currently on parole after pissing off the government with his hackery.  With a life reduced to poverty, he’s forced into becoming a hacker for Gabriel (Travolta) a mysterious, off-the-books, anti-terrorist operation runner.

The idea sounds awesome in theory but in practice, it’s a lot of just running around, things exploding, Halle Berry eating Twizzlers in a bizarre effort to seem interesting (she already was and didn’t need candy), and Travolta chewing scenery as he hams up his (to the best of my recollection) first villain role with great relish and gusto.

Well, if it sucks then why am I recommending it?  Because, in hindsight, the last half of the film is eerily prophetic.

You see, this film was released in the summer of 2001, a mere three months before the 9/11 attack.  For most of the film, Gabriel comes across as a psychopath who just wants Jobson to use his hacking skills to score some cash.

However, we learn (spoiler) that Gabriel was never just a bank robber, but in fact, he’s running his own anti-terror unit.  As he explains, any time a terrorist attacks American interests, he’ll use the cash to fund his own private Army that will hit the terrorists back tenfold.  Why, if he learns that countries are harboring terrorists, he’ll hit those countries back as well.  Uncle Sam doesn’t want to get his hands dirty, so he’ll do it for him.

Three months before 9/11, the idea was sort of a throwaway.  Sure there were terrorist attacks for years before 9/11, and Americans were vaguely aware of the existence of Osama Bin Laden due to attacks on American embassies in Africa and on the USS Cole, for example.

But the idea that a 9/11 could happen was inconceivable.

At the end of the film, Gabriel tries to convince Stanley that he was never the bad guy.  He poses a question to Stanley – if it were possible to develop a cure to all diseases known to man, but in doing so, one child would have to die, would Stanley do it?

Stanley answers no.  It would be immoral to let the child die.  Gabriel argues that it would be immoral to let so many die just to save one life.  The greater good.

Yes, three months before 9/11 I was just a young adult in the early part of my life, happy go lucky and carefree and I wrote the film off as just a fun diversion and a chance to see some delicious caramel flavored titties.

What I wouldn’t realize until 17 years later is that this relatively obscure action flick posed, right before 9/11, the great question that has plagued, and alas, even torn this country apart, namely – how hard is too hard when it comes to fighting terrorism?  Is it moral to go to war overseas in the hope of stopping it?  Is it moral not to, knowing that if terrorists are rooted out of hiding, they may kill Americans at home?

Whether it is moral to bring the fight to the terrorists or to just live life and accept terrorism as just another sad part of life (i.e. “the new normal”) has been the main source of feuding between conservatives and liberals for nearly two decades now.

Terrorists hiding in other countries.  America fighting back.  Shadow ops to take the baddies out.

Sigh.  We had an early warning in the most unlikely of places, that being a cockamamie action film that rested largely on fake CGI action and real titties.

Very real titties.

I love you Halle.  You tried to save America with your titties and never got the credit you deserve…until now.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy…mainly for the second half and only if you think about the questions raised by the second half in the context that this film was released three months before 9/11.

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America Must Embrace Bidets

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.

As you know, I’m a passionate activist for a number of causes:

  • Rights of the ugly, including the #OscarsSoPretty movement to get more ugly actors winning Oscar gold
  • Finding a cure for Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death
  • Getting nearly extinct giraffes to increase their numbers by encouraging them to fuck, even though their long necks put their heads in different time zones when their bodies get together so they have no way to know if their partners are enjoying the act of hot, sweaty giraffe coitus.

You thought uggos, people who eat lightning in pastry form and horny giraffes were my only concerns but nay, I have been thinking a lot about a new cause as of late.

Bidets.  Yes, bidets.

As an American, it pains me to say the French are right about something, but they are right about this.  The typical frog bathroom (can I say that in the current year?) looks thusly:


It’s got a toilet (I assume off to the left) and another device that kind of looks like a toilet but really its a water jet that shoots water up your dumper.  This idea is so ingenious that it almost makes you wonder why the French are so allegedly smelly.

What does wiping with toilet paper get you?  A brief reprieve.  But be honest.  Your butt is usually left sore and itchy and hours later you’ll still find little pieces of paper in your tucas.

If you see a stain on a table, do you dab it with a dry cloth and then go, “Eh, that’s the best I can do now, I’ll get the rest later?”

No.  You spritz it with some Fantastic or Formula 409 or whatever household cleaner you got and rub, rub, rub until that stain is gone.

Why are you going to walk around with poo remnants in your fudge factory when this device exists?

First, think of the trees that will be saved.  Entire rain forests will be preserved.  Parrots and alligators and chimps and all kinds of jungle creatures will be able to frolic and sing and dance and fuck because you chose to shoot a calm, cooling, soothing water jet up your backdoor rather than, let’s face it, agitate your anal cavity with what basically adds up to disposable cloth sandpaper.

If you’re not a caveman, you’re going to shower at the end of the day, and if you do it properly, the water will obliterate any Hershey chunks you didn’t get during your wipe session earlier that day.

But don’t you want that fresh feeling all day?  Seriously.  Shitting is stressful.  It’s gross.  It’s disgusting.  But once you get that water up your heiney hole it’s like the poop never happened in the first place.

There has got to be a bidet in every bathroom in America posthaste.  It’s gotta happen and this will be my new cause.

Uggos, lightning eaters, and giraffe fuckers (meaning giraffes who want consensual sex with other giraffes and not humans who want to fuck giraffes), I will still fight your fight, but I believe the bidet problem must be moved to the forefront of my advocacy.

What do you think, 3.5 readers?  Do you agree with me, that there should be a butt water jet in every home, or are you a two-bit shill for big toilet paper who thinks that parrot houses should be destroyed so people can torture their sphincters until the end of time?

Discuss in the comments.

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Just a quick hello.  How are you, 3.5 readers?  Are there still 3.5 of you?