What, are all 3.5 of you in Charmin’s pocket?
What, are all 3.5 of you in Charmin’s pocket?
Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.
As you know, I’m a passionate activist for a number of causes:
You thought uggos, people who eat lightning in pastry form and horny giraffes were my only concerns but nay, I have been thinking a lot about a new cause as of late.
Bidets. Yes, bidets.
As an American, it pains me to say the French are right about something, but they are right about this. The typical frog bathroom (can I say that in the current year?) looks thusly:
It’s got a toilet (I assume off to the left) and another device that kind of looks like a toilet but really its a water jet that shoots water up your dumper. This idea is so ingenious that it almost makes you wonder why the French are so allegedly smelly.
What does wiping with toilet paper get you? A brief reprieve. But be honest. Your butt is usually left sore and itchy and hours later you’ll still find little pieces of paper in your tucas.
If you see a stain on a table, do you dab it with a dry cloth and then go, “Eh, that’s the best I can do now, I’ll get the rest later?”
No. You spritz it with some Fantastic or Formula 409 or whatever household cleaner you got and rub, rub, rub until that stain is gone.
Why are you going to walk around with poo remnants in your fudge factory when this device exists?
First, think of the trees that will be saved. Entire rain forests will be preserved. Parrots and alligators and chimps and all kinds of jungle creatures will be able to frolic and sing and dance and fuck because you chose to shoot a calm, cooling, soothing water jet up your backdoor rather than, let’s face it, agitate your anal cavity with what basically adds up to disposable cloth sandpaper.
If you’re not a caveman, you’re going to shower at the end of the day, and if you do it properly, the water will obliterate any Hershey chunks you didn’t get during your wipe session earlier that day.
But don’t you want that fresh feeling all day? Seriously. Shitting is stressful. It’s gross. It’s disgusting. But once you get that water up your heiney hole it’s like the poop never happened in the first place.
There has got to be a bidet in every bathroom in America posthaste. It’s gotta happen and this will be my new cause.
Uggos, lightning eaters, and giraffe fuckers (meaning giraffes who want consensual sex with other giraffes and not humans who want to fuck giraffes), I will still fight your fight, but I believe the bidet problem must be moved to the forefront of my advocacy.
What do you think, 3.5 readers? Do you agree with me, that there should be a butt water jet in every home, or are you a two-bit shill for big toilet paper who thinks that parrot houses should be destroyed so people can torture their sphincters until the end of time?
Discuss in the comments.
Also please support:
#11 – Big Screen TVs for the Blind
#12 – Blank Screen TVs for the Sighted
#13 – Paper Bags for Ugly Heads
#14 – The Fund to Purchase Prostitutes for Homely Men
#15 – The Cure for Writers Who Suffer from Existential Ennui
#16 – Clubs for Seals Who Want to Club Back
#17 – Butt Corks for the Flatulent
#18 – Pudding for Everyone
#19 – Medallions for Poor Yet Swarthy Motherfuckers
#20 – Butlers for Butlers (Because Butlers Should Have Butlers to Serve Them When They Come Home After a Long Day of Butlering)
Hey 3.5 readers. As you all know, I am a great philanthropist.
Here are some of the charitable causes I hope you will join me in supporting:
#1 – The Center for Molested Chickens
#2 – Fat, Poor Hamsters Who Can’t Afford Running Wheels
#3 – Parrots with Tourette’s Syndrome (“BRACK! COCKSUCKER! BRACK!”)
#4 – Ferrets Who Need Vaping Materials
#5 – Free Chili for Anyone Named Carl
#6 – The BQB Center for Saving Impoverished Single Mothers who Dance One Dollar at a Time (BQB hands out all donations directly.)
#7 – Free Golf Pants for Kangaroos
#8 – Lockable Drink Lids for Women Who Hang Out with Bill Cosby
#9 – The Association for Bloggers Who Tell Dated Jokes, Including Bill Cosby Jokes That Are Too Easy
#10 – Pancakes for Ducks
Noted Ugly Rights Activist Bookshelf Q. Battler
Good evening, 3.5 readers.
I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler and I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.
You’d think after my #OscarsSoPretty activism last year, which mostly consisted of bitching and moaning on this fine blog, that Hollywood would have learned its lesson and nominated some aesthetically challenged, visually displeasing actors and actresses.
But no. They just doubled down on the pretty. Will you look at these nominees?
CASEY AFFLECK (Manchester by the Sea) – Oh yeah, when you’ve got Affleck genes your life is really hard. Come on this dude is in his thirties and he still looks like he could be the captain of the high school football team or some shit. Goddamn Afflecks.
ANDREW GARFIELD (Hacksaw Ridge) – Get the hell outta here, Andrew Garfield. You and your perfect hair got to be in two terrible Spiderman movies. Do you know what happens to an ugly man if he works at Burger King and fucks up the whoppers? His ass gets fired. Know what happens if a handsome man fucks up the Spiderman franchise? They put his ass in an Academy Award nominated film. Pretty privilege exists, people.
RYAN GOSLING (La La Land) – Oh for the love of God, ever since this son of a bitch was in The Notebook, the broads have been throwing their panties at him, shouting, “I wouldn’t forget you if I came down with dementia, Ryan!” Fuck, this guy could have gone to that march in Washington, D.C. and gotten himself buried knee deep in pussy hat.
VIGGO MORTENSEN (Captain Fantastic) – He’s getting up there but he isn’t exactly an old timer yet. Chicks still dig him for that scene in Eastern Promises where he got in a fight in a bathhouse and, while in his naked muscular glory, didn’t allow his dangling dangler get in the way of kicking ass.
DENZEL WASHINGTON (Fences) – Damn it, Denzel, even while you’re playing a crusty old fuck trying to stand in the way of his son’s dreams you’re still a handsome ass man and probably pulling down mad crazy babes.
3.5 READERS: But surely, BQB, the Academy nominated an ugly actress.
BQB: You’d think so, but if you did, you thought wrong!
ISABELLE HUPPERT (Elle) – She’s 63, but she’s one of the hotter 63 year olds around. I mean, she could have her way with yours truly if she wanted and I wouldn’t care that she’s packing an AARP card or that she was born during the damn Eisenhower administration. Further, she’s French, and I don’t mean to tell tales out of school, but French women have been known to make a man go, “Ooo la la.” But you know what she isn’t? Ugly. Blast you, Academy and your discrimination against the ugly.
RUTH NEGGA (Loving) – This Irish/Ethiopian actress is so hot that she plays Mildred Loving, a woman so hot that her white boyfriend waged a legal battle all the way to the US Supreme Court just to marry her (back in the days in when interracial marriage was illegal). Hell, I can’t blame the man. I’d go before SCOTUS myself to get me some of that.
NATALIE PORTMAN (Jackie) – The woman so hot she made Anakin Skywalker cheat on his Jedi vows. She already has an Oscar for Black Swan. You know who doesn’t have an Oscar? An ugly woman. But sure, let’s just keep heaping awards and praise on the hot chicks.
EMMA STONE (La La Land) – Oh Emma, you wide-eyed redheaded hottie, you. Hollywood has been in love with you ever since you splashed on the scene as Jonah Hill’s love interest in Superbad. While you failed to convince us that you were Asian in the craptacular crap fest that was Aloha, you continue to be America’s sweetheart. Know you will never be America’s Sweetheart? Anyone with stretch marks.
MERYL STREEP (Florence Foster Jenkins) – Meryl is like 900 years old now but she looks good for her age. At this point, she can’t open a closet in her house without 10,000 golden statuettes raining down upon her. She was hot in her day and Hollywood will literally never stop tossing awards her way. I mean, whether you like her or not, hasn’t she received enough awards by now? Isn’t there a nice buck toothed, acne ridden actress who wouldn’t like to thank the Academy?
BQB: OK 3.5. That’s enough for me today. I’m so mad at the snubs against the ugly that I have to go hyperventilate into a bag then put the bag on my head and hyperventilate because I am so damn ugly. Join me next time where I will harangue the Best Supporting Actor and Actress nominees for being so damn pretty.
Do you want to see more ugly actor/actresses nominated? Join me in complaining with #OscarsSoPretty