America Must Embrace Bidets

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.

As you know, I’m a passionate activist for a number of causes:

  • Rights of the ugly, including the #OscarsSoPretty movement to get more ugly actors winning Oscar gold
  • Finding a cure for Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death
  • Getting nearly extinct giraffes to increase their numbers by encouraging them to fuck, even though their long necks put their heads in different time zones when their bodies get together so they have no way to know if their partners are enjoying the act of hot, sweaty giraffe coitus.

You thought uggos, people who eat lightning in pastry form and horny giraffes were my only concerns but nay, I have been thinking a lot about a new cause as of late.

Bidets.  Yes, bidets.

As an American, it pains me to say the French are right about something, but they are right about this.  The typical frog bathroom (can I say that in the current year?) looks thusly:


It’s got a toilet (I assume off to the left) and another device that kind of looks like a toilet but really its a water jet that shoots water up your dumper.  This idea is so ingenious that it almost makes you wonder why the French are so allegedly smelly.

What does wiping with toilet paper get you?  A brief reprieve.  But be honest.  Your butt is usually left sore and itchy and hours later you’ll still find little pieces of paper in your tucas.

If you see a stain on a table, do you dab it with a dry cloth and then go, “Eh, that’s the best I can do now, I’ll get the rest later?”

No.  You spritz it with some Fantastic or Formula 409 or whatever household cleaner you got and rub, rub, rub until that stain is gone.

Why are you going to walk around with poo remnants in your fudge factory when this device exists?

First, think of the trees that will be saved.  Entire rain forests will be preserved.  Parrots and alligators and chimps and all kinds of jungle creatures will be able to frolic and sing and dance and fuck because you chose to shoot a calm, cooling, soothing water jet up your backdoor rather than, let’s face it, agitate your anal cavity with what basically adds up to disposable cloth sandpaper.

If you’re not a caveman, you’re going to shower at the end of the day, and if you do it properly, the water will obliterate any Hershey chunks you didn’t get during your wipe session earlier that day.

But don’t you want that fresh feeling all day?  Seriously.  Shitting is stressful.  It’s gross.  It’s disgusting.  But once you get that water up your heiney hole it’s like the poop never happened in the first place.

There has got to be a bidet in every bathroom in America posthaste.  It’s gotta happen and this will be my new cause.

Uggos, lightning eaters, and giraffe fuckers (meaning giraffes who want consensual sex with other giraffes and not humans who want to fuck giraffes), I will still fight your fight, but I believe the bidet problem must be moved to the forefront of my advocacy.

What do you think, 3.5 readers?  Do you agree with me, that there should be a butt water jet in every home, or are you a two-bit shill for big toilet paper who thinks that parrot houses should be destroyed so people can torture their sphincters until the end of time?

Discuss in the comments.

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