Dear 3.5 Readers

It is with a heavy heart today that I must announce my retirement from the world of blogging.

My list of reasons is long and voluminous, the top grievances being:

  • Two years in and I only have 3.5 readers.  Don’t get me wrong.  You guys are great.  But I really thought I’d have a cool 7 by now.
  • WordPress has yet to feature me on Freshly Pressed, as if there are a plethora of blogs about the adventures of a magical bookshelf caretaker/town mayor who fights zombies and yetis, hangs out with an alien and is trying to launch a writing career in order to appease an intergalactic dictator to choose from.
  • I recently figured out how to play with myself.  I know.  I am a late, late bloomer.  Even so, unlike blogging, it gets me more results with less work.
  • Speaking of, I’m tired of blogging while hiding in the bathroom while various time sucking people in my life bang on the door.

TIME SUCKING PEOPLE:  BQB!  We need you to spend all of your free time solving every one of our stupid problems!  You better not be pursuing your life long dream of becoming a writer in there!

BQB: Writing? What?  No!  Really! I swear I’m just masturbating.

And really, when it all comes down to it, that last reason is the main reason why I must bid you all adieu.  Many of you folks are fine, fine people.  I read your blogs and you’re always talking about wonderful people in your lives who support your dreams and leave you all the time in the world to put pen to paper.

I on the other hand do not know a single person who can chew bubblegum and walk at the same time without my intervention and I’m tired of staying up until 2 A.M. just to write.

So I quit.  Had God wanted me to write, he’d of let self-publishing become a thing in 1999, back when I was a Funky Hunk, capable of staying up all night without feeling like dropping dead the next day.

Thanks for everything, 3.5 readers.  I’m going to sell this blog to Japanese businessmen, who will fill it with videos of Japanese people yelling loudly in Japanese about ordinary household cleaning products.

Tagged

12 thoughts on “Dear 3.5 Readers

  1. mpmmanor says:

    me too!
    april 1 is upon us …
    and the world needs a magical bookshelf caretaker/town mayor who fights zombies and yetis, hangs out with an alien and is trying to launch a writing career in order to appease an intergalactic dictator

  2. April Fools day…nice. I posted a picture of Trump on my Facebook feed and announced he had dropped out of the race. That was fun.

    • I don’t want to voice an opinion on him either way as I want all of my 3.5 readers to love me and buy my unwritten books regardless of their personal politics…but I’ve long held a theory that he might end up as President solely on the basis that he has the most Twitter followers out of any other candidate.

      We’re in a report your own news via tech world now and he or she who can reach the most people can make a positive (or negative) influence as a result.

      Kim Kardashian could probably be Grand Empress of the world with her Twitter feed if she wanted to.

      I’d say the best and brightest of the world should get their own Twitter feeds to spread their much needed genius across the globe but alas, the best and brightest understandably shy away from politics. No one with a brain wants to have media reports about that time they picked their nose in third grade.

  3. John Charet says:

    You had me too 🙂 I am glad that you will continue to blog 🙂 Happy April Fools day 🙂 That final paragraph you wrote in this blog entry really had me laughing 🙂 Keep up the great work as always 🙂

  4. Hahaha, this is both hilarious and sad, since you were somewhat serious.

    • Well…to be fair the people who rely on me often argue that I do have free time to write. When I complain I don’t have time to write, they’ll let me know they saw me waste five minutes last Tuesday in which I watched Jimmy Fallon while brushing my teeth or something…time I clearly could have spent writing.

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