No joke. An old ass man might literally chase you around his house for two hours if you try to steal his pay.
BQB here with a review of the horror thriller, Don’t Breathe.
Its ok 3.5 readers. You can breathe. But the SPOILERS might leave you breathless.
God I’m such a hack.
Rocky, Alex and Money (Jane Levy, Dylan Minnette and Daniel Zovatto, respectively) are a trio of teenage house robbers.
Their latest target is an elderly blind man, a war veteran rumored to have a ton of cash stashed in his house.
Seems like an easy enough job but…nope…for a blind man this guy sure has some deadly ass skills and the kids end up taking on a lot more than they bargained for.
I can’t tell you much more than that or else I risk blowing the whole movie for you.
In some ways, its a standard horror movie. A lot of “Oh no! Don’t go in there!” and so on.
But, there is some originality in that the baddie is blind. There’s a lot of skulking about the dark, scenes shot in night vision as the kids move inches away from their opponent without him realizing and so on.
Jane Levy might be the breakout star here. She looks and sounds a lot like 1990s in her prime Reese Witherspoon, at least in my opinion anyway.
Stephen lang is scary as shit as “the blind man.” Lang often plays military men, the two that come to mind being the roles he played in Avatar and Terra Nova.
PRO: Some scary moments, shocks, surprises.
CON: More brutality on screen than I’d like to see. I prefer on-screen violence to be cartoonish and unlikely, rather than to see people being pummeled (which sadly, happens too often in real life.)
Oh, and uh…there was one part where it sort of jumps the shark. I don’t want to give it away but I found myself blurting out, “Oh come on!”
Add me to the list of worst moviegoers. I’m a spontaneous blurter.
“Once you see that shit, it will f%$k you up for life.”
So said the talking twinkie and I gotta be honest, he wasn’t kidding.
If you see this movie, it might very well f%*k you up for life.
But then again, if you saw the trailer and went anyway, you were probably f%&ked up to begin with.
That doesn’t say much about me since I saw the trailer and went to it anyway.
SPOILER ALERT – I can’t really discuss it without spoiling it so, if you’re worried about that, read no further.
BQB here with a review of Seth Rogen’s R rated animated film, Sausage Party.
I’m just gonna throw it out there.
Seth was no doubt smoking some very potent cannabis when he wrote this shit.
I’m an hour out of seeing it myself and I still haven’t quite wrapped my head around it, but let me try.
OK. So every Pixar animated movie is basically about something or someone that doesn’t usually talk right?
Talking toys in Toy Story. Talking fish in Finding Nemo. Heck, forget Pixar. Pretty much every cartoon features either an inanimate object or an animal that can talk and these films usually revolve around, “Gee whiz, kids, what do these toys, fish, other things that don’t normally talk do when we aren’t paying attention to them?”
So Seth turned that concept into one great big joke by asking, “What if food products talk to each other when we aren’t watching?”
Yup. Like I said. He’s been hitting the hard stuff.
In this time of reboots, sequels, prequels, and sequels to prequels of rebooted reboots, I have to hand it to Seth – this movie was original.
It put a lot of stuff on the screen that my eyes, ears, sensory receptors and brain aren’t used to processing – namely, quality rendered animated characters doing and saying horrible, terrible, disgusting things to each other.
Highlights:
Food products screaming in terror as they get sliced, diced and chomped.
Aforementioned food products staging a revolt and murdering humans in gruesome detail. (Seeing a severed human head in an animated movie is definitely original, but uh…not really sure that was something that I wanted to see. The twinkie was right. I’m effed up for life now.)
Zombie corn kernels trapped in poop. Took me a second to get it but it does make scientific sense if you think about it.
`Food products act in stereotypical ways based on their country of origin. Salma Hayek voices a horny taco. David Krumholtz voices a Middle Eastern lavash (sort of like a soft taco-esque wrap) and Ed Norton voices a Jewish bagel (Sammy Bagel Jr.) The lavash and bagel trade barbs throughout the film until they become way, way, way too friendly in the end, and boy do I mean the end. Uhh…I mean I’m not very PC but as I watched it I thought, “Wow, the social justice warriors are going to be all over this shit on Twitter.”
The crux of the film is that Frank the Sausage (Seth Rogen) wants to make sweet love to and live happily ever with Brenda Bunson (Kristen Wiig) a hot dog bun that bears a striking resemblance to a cooter.
The plot ties heavily into religion, namely, are the food products better off thinking that the humans are taking them out of the grocery store to live nice happy lives? Would they just go nuts and be unhappy if they knew the truth that they were destined to be eaten? (And thanks Seth, on top of having to watch fornicating produce I really needed a reminder that my hope that there’s life after death is scientifically unsound and that in all likelihood I will end up just as disappointed as those poor, poor food products who ended up gnashed between a pair of giant teeth.)
A druggie injects himself with bath salts and is able to communicate with the food. Gotta say, aside from the severed head, a dude dropping a spike in his vein is another subject I never thought that would ever be tackled by a cartoon so uh…I guess Seth broke new ground there but uh…I’m not sure that’s ground that should have been broken? (Kids, please don’t try that at home…or anyone else…to quote South Park’s Mr. Mackey, “Drugs are bad, mmm’kay?”)
Nick Kroll lends his voice to a douche that, naturally, acts like a douche. IMO, the douchey douche was one of the funnier parts of the movie.
And finally, the orgy. The terrible, horrible, monstrous orgy. Food products having hardcore sex with each other to celebrate their victory over the humans. I…I don’t even know what to say. I get they were animated food products and all but it was still so graphic that it left me wondering how this movie didn’t get an NC-17 rating slapped on it.
Hmm…so, I’m not a prude. There were a few times where I did outright laugh but for the most part, the film’s appeal is similar to that of a gruesome car accident. You don’t really WANT to see any of it and you know not looking away makes you a bad person but you can’t help but look…and stare…and gawk….and repeatedly ask yourself, “Am I really seeing what I think I’m seeing?!”
Ironically, animation has been around for so long now that I think if done right, there probably is a niche market for cartoon movies that appeal to adults (not as in the characters have to hump and drop F-bombs every five seconds just for the freak out factor) but because there may be things that can be done through animation that real life actors can’t do.
STATUS: I don’t want to call it shelf-worthy or non-shelf-worthy. Rather, if you’re easily offended, stay away. If you’re a rubbernecker who can’t help but stare at an ungodly traffic accident, then this film is for you.
About an hour into the film, I found myself thinking, “OK Seth. I get the joke. You’re going to make cartoon food products do terrible things because you can.”
I came. I saw. I was already f&*ked up.
We all aspire to be the first one to do something. Seth, as far as I know, is the first film maker to document food products vigorously humping each other on screen, so no one can take that dubious honor away from him I suppose.
You know 3.5 readers, all I know is that around the turn of the millennium, I was in college and a bunch of my buddies and I went to see South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut. We were in hysterics of Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s raunchy brand of comedy.
Those two broke many taboos and did the world suffer for it?
Yes. Yes it did. The world totally sucks now. Thanks a lot, Trey and Matt.
But at least Sausage Party couldn’t make the world any worse than it already is now, right?
I’m sure the current generation of immature college students are guffawing all over the sight of hot food on food action.
Space. The final frontier. Damn, it’s big and shit.
These are the voyages of the Starship SPOILERPRISE.
BQB here with a review of Star Trek: Beyond.
J.J. Abrams’ third Star Trek movie is out. This go around, Kirk and Co. get lured into a distant nebula, ambushed and stranded after crashing on a desolate planet run by the evil alien Krall.
The crew has an artifact Krall wants in order to do evil shit…and they fight and shit and that’s about it. I’ll let you watch and fill in the details on your own.
I applaud J.J. because he seems committed to honoring the spirit of the old show/movies even though the 35+ crowd that Hollywood typically doesn’t give a crap about is the only demographic that would care.
Sulu’s totally gay and homage is paid to the late Leonard Nimoy, as well as to the original cast.
Sorry to give this spoiler but at one point a photo of the original cast is shown from the 1980s/1990s movies when they’re all in their 50’s and are wrinkly and gray haired and shit.
Millenials, old people used to look like that and they let them into movies anyway. Now they just botox the shit out of themselves until their 95.
Idris Elba is great as Krall. Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban and everyone turn in great performances.
There are times when it almost feels like they’re parodying the original show. Karl Urban’s impression of Dr. “Bones” McCoy is just too good.
There are attempts to appeal to us ancient folk – we’ll be ancient dust particles by the time Kirk comes around. Alien Jaylah (Sofia Boutella) for example, enjoys rap music. As she explains, she “likes the beats and the yelling.” The other characters note that it is considered classical music.
I wonder which of our hits will be considered classics in Kirk’s time?
Kirk also rides a vintage motorcycle against the aliens – a move that might have been campy but since it was done right, it worked.
I enjoyed it. Honestly, I think the second one in this series (the one with Benedict Cumberbatch as Khan) was the best of the three.
This one has it high points but there’s something about it – maybe by now we’ve all come to know these new versions of the original characters. Maybe the plot wasn’t as involved as the other films – I don’t know.
I’m not saying it was bad. I just think the second was the best and this one didn’t top it. But it is still worth your time.
Very sad about Anton Yelchin’s tragic accident. Yelchin played Chekov in all three of the new movies including this one.
Nothing reminds me of the fragile nature of life than when a celebrity dies before his/her movie comes out and there I am, sitting in the audience, watching that person larger than life on the big screen yet in my mind I’m thinking “Oh, sigh, that person sadly isn’t with us anymore.”
Finally, just an observation. All the evil aliens are ugly. All the nice aliens are – well I’m not sure if “hot” is the right word lest I get accused of having a thing for aliens but all the nice aliens are pleasant looking.
Krall for example has a permanent angry glare and his henchman aliens all have sharp teeth whereas heroine Jaylah is basically just a hot chick who had some designs drawn on her face with magic marker.
Therefore, the plight of stereotypical ugly typecasting exists even in space. In the next film, I demand that the crew have an officer who is a hideous alien with sharp teeth. #OscarsSoPretty
I saw this movie by accident, I swear, but since I did I’m going to review it anyway.
SPOILERS ahead but really, who cares.
BQB here with a review of the R rated comedy, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.
I actually meant to see The Infiltrator because I’m a big Bryan Cranston fan but a mistake I made in reading the movie times lead me to the East Randomtown Cineplex only to find it wasn’t playing. So I settled for Mike and Dave instead.
The commercials looked funny enough, but on its own, it just didn’t look like something that would have gotten me out to the theater.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, the plot is in the title. Mike (Adam Devine of the Workaholics crew) and Dave (Zac Efron), after years of destroying one family gathering after another with their hi jinx, are ordered by their parents that they will only be allowed to attend their sister’s wedding if they find dates who will go with them and keep them out of trouble.
One Craigslist ad and thousands of responses later (because being their dates comes with a free trip to Hawaii), Alice (Anna Kendrick) and Tatiana (Aubrey Plaza) weasel their way into the picture. They are, in truth, terrible, horrible people whose own exploits make those of Mike and Dave seem tame in comparison, but they fool the duo into thinking they are nice girls in order to get a free vacation.
Blah blah blah, raunchy shenanigans ensue to threaten the wedding, everyone has to work together, that’s about it.
Oh, and you might see Aubrey Plaza’s butt. I can’t confirm it. Whenever I see a butt on screen I don’t automatically assume it belongs to the celebrity because celebrities have been known to use stunt butts. Either way, Aubrey has been missed since Parks and Recreation so it was fun to see her in action.
You might also see like the top half of Anna Kendrick’s butt. However, I again am unable to confirm if this is the real top half of Anna’s butt or if it is, in fact, a stunt butt.
Personally, I really think that somewhere in the credits, movies should list whether the butts displayed actually belonged to the celebrities or if they were, in fact, stunt butts. Otherwise, I have no way of knowing whether or not I actually saw a stunt butt and it leaves the entire experience with an asterix.
It’s a moron movie but it’s funny.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy but not theater worthy. It’s a rental.
Ghostbusters with vaginas. What will they think of next?
Who you gonna call?
SPOILER BUSTERS.
Because…spoilers.
BQB here with a review of the revamped Ghostbusters.
I can’t think of another movie that inspired so much hype, controversy, nerd rage and socio-politcal debate.
So rather than an all out review, I’ll anticipate and answer the questions of my 3.5 readers.
WAS IT GOOD?
Yes. It was your pretty standard summer movie.
WAS IT BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL?
No, because that was too perfect. “Alexander wept because he had no more worlds to conquer.”
As a movie-goer, I weep because there’s very little Hollywood can do to wow me. All the special effects tricks have been discovered, CGI has been around forever, every line has been crossed, every boundary has been pushed.
The original film mixed special effects, action and comedy into something no one had ever seen before. I was wowed when I saw it as a little kid. Thirty some odd years later, I’ve seen it all now when it comes to movies. I suppose there won’t be a new boundary to push until they create some kind of immersive virtual reality movie or something.
Millennials, you’ll never experience the awe I did as a boy sitting in a theater with a crowd of people who had never seen life like ghosts on screen for the first time. But don’t feel too bad because all that really means in the grand scheme of things is I’ve got less time before I become a ghost than you do.
DID HAVING AN ALL FEMALE CAST RUIN THE MOVIE?
No. Anyone who takes up the Ghostbusters gauntlet has taken on a massive challenge. “Oh yes. Let me remake the movie that every adult remembers fondly from their childhood.”
No. No pressure at all.
But they did about as good as anyone could under that pressure.
They were funny. They played their characters well. In my opinion, Kate McKinnon as wacky inventor Holtzmann and Leslie Jones as “keeping it real” Patty stole the show.
I’M A WOMAN AND I FEEL THAT I AM DISCRIMINATED AGAINST DUE TO MY OWNERSHIP OF A VAGINA. WILL THIS FILM STOP THAT?
Probably not. McKinnon and Jones, as well as Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig were all believable as three scientists and a New York history buff turned paranormal investigators and eliminators.
They didn’t really do anything to overtly point out that “hey we’re lady Ghostbusters.” Instead, they went through the same difficulties the original Ghostbusters went through i.e. trying to figure out the science of ghost busting without blowing themselves up while the fate of the world is on the line.
That’s a lot of pressure for anyone, whether they have a penis or a vagina.
There was a running gag where they post their ghost footage to YouTube and have to deal with crackpot social media comments, an obvious dig at the online backlash the film went through.
WAS IT RACIST TO HAVE MADE LESLIE JONES’ CHARACTER THE ONLY NON-SCIENTIST?
Hmm. Well, I doubt that was the intent. Her character is a subway worker who in her spare time studies New York City history, thus her knowledge of what lies underneath the city and its history becomes essential to the team.
In other words, she wasn’t a scientist but she wasn’t dumb either.
WAS IT FUNNY?
There were times that I laughed. There were jokes that fell flat. Funniest moments came from Holtzmann, Patty, and the gang’s super dumb man-secretary, Kevin (Chris Hemsworth.)
For me personally, there were not any of the gut-busting, uncontrollable “I can’t stop laughing” laughs which is what you’d like to see in a Ghostbusters movie.
WAS IT JUST A REHASH OF THE ORIGINAL?
Yes and no. There were many repeats and homages to the fans’ favorite jokes and/or scenes. I’ll let you watch and pick them out on your own.
Plot wise, there is a lot of similarity. Scientists create inventions to catch ghosts. Because they are breaking new ground, they make mistakes along the way. The public can’t comprehend the existence of ghosts so they think the Ghostbusters are charlatans. They butt heads with the Mayor and the government. Oh, and Slimer.
The ghosts look great with modern CGI/special effects but again, something about seeing all that in 1984 when it was new made it more awesome.
But – there was a lot of effort to redevelop the plot. Without getting too spoilery, the villain, Rowan, is a big nerd who wants to get back at the world for all the bullying he went through by unleashing ghosts upon the world.
Most of the original cast members have fun cameos. Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, Ernie Hudson, Sigourney Weaver and Annie Potts stop by, not as their original characters but as random folks the new Ghostbusters meet along the way.
Sadly, Rick Moranis didn’t stop by though that would have been cool. Even sadder, Harold Ramis is no longer able to stop by but there was a touching nod to him.
AM I A HORRIBLE ANTI-FEMALE PIECE OF SHIT IF I DIDN’T LIKE THE MOVIE?
I don’t think so. You may have not liked it for any number of non-female hating reasons. Maybe you think Hollywood is filled with hacks who can’t come up with original ideas anymore. Maybe you loved the original so much you think it was blasphemous to create a new one (newsflash – the original one is still available and you can watch it anytime!)
You might even argue that as fans, we have long waited for the Ghostbusters to do something new. Yes, this is new but I mean new as in, don’t save New York again but perhaps delve into the myriad of possible threats that a team of ghost investigators might face.
In fact, given that three out of the four original Ghostbusters are alive and in relatively good condition given their age, one wonders if, in the right hands, a movie where we see what the old Ghostbusters have been up to for the past thirty years before they pass the baton to a new team might have been possible. Then again, I have to remind myself that would have only been interesting to anyone under 35 years old. Sorry over 35 crowd, but Hollywood just considers you a waste of space.
I liked it. I didn’t LOVE it. It isn’t something I’ll want to rewatch over and over. But as summer movies go, it did satisfy the prerequisites – i.e. I got to escape my problems for two hours and I had a good time.
BUT IF I DIDN’T LIKE THE MOVIE, IS IT DUMB TO SAY THINGS LIKE “OH MY GOD THIS RUINED MY LIFE” OR WHATEVER?
Yes. It’s just a movie.
WAS THERE SOMETHING AS AN ASPIRING SELF-PUBLISHER THAT YOU’D LIKE TO POINT OUT?
Yes. Abby (McCarthy) and Erin (Wiig) begin the film as estranged friends who once co-wrote a book about the existence of ghosts.
Years later after going their separate ways (Abby wanted to keep chasing ghosts while Erin wanted to pursue a career as a serious professor), Erin’s efforts to secure a tenured physics professor position become threatened when Abby puts their ghost book up for sale on Amazon, so she seeks out Abby to demand that she take the book down.
Self-publishing made it into a Ghostbusters movie!
WHAT STATUS DO YOU GIVE IT?
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. And due to the CGI ghosts, worth seeing on the big screen.
BQB here with a review of The Purge: Election Year.
SPOILERS abound.
So if you’ve never seen any of the Purge movies, here’s the set-up. It takes place in the not so distant future, at a time when society, so sick and tired of daily, non-stop crime, has instituted one night a year called, “the Purge.”
For 12 hours, all crime is legal, including murder. Police, fire and emergency services are suspended. Do whatever you want. And at least according to the film, the ability for everyone to get out all their violence and rage in one night makes the country run smoothly the rest of the year.
At a first glance, the premise sounds dumb. They like to go over the top with violence. They put people in wacky costumes and masks to the point where they’ve created a new kind of monster (forget zombies, watch out for purgers!)
But, when you start thinking about it, the premise of these films is actually scary.
We all like to hold ourselves out as great, wonderful, decent people but I doubt few of us spend much time thinking about what monsters we’d become if the threat of jail time wasn’t dangling over our heads.
No one wants to admit it but everyone has bad thoughts from time to time. Those thoughts don’t become actions because no one wants to be outfitted with an orange jumpsuit and live in a cage forever.
But if there was one night where you could act on all your evil thoughts?
Yup. Total chaos. We all aren’t as good as you’d think.
In past Purge films we’ve seen people kill their cheating spouses, attack their neighbors over spite, seek revenge on those who did them wrong, and even worse, just kill for sport.
When that eerie siren sounds, you the viewer realize just how scary a world without laws would be, as you start to put yourself into the shoes of the characters and realize that no one’s safe, no one can be trusted, that the rule of law is really all that is keeping people we think we know from doing terrible things to us.
There’s a twist in this year’s Purge film. Senator Roan (Elizabeth Mitchell) is running for president on a platform of banning the purge once and for all. The New Founding Fathers, the party that started the purge, won’t stand for that, so they get rid of a rule from previous purges – politicians and other important government officials, once protected during the purge, are now fair game, thus making it legal for the NFF to launch an attack on the Senator.
So it is up to Secret Service Agent Leo Barnes (Frank Grillo) to save the day. Along the way, he’s helped by shopkeepers Joe and Marcos (Mykelti Williamson and Joseph Julian Soria) and Laney (Betty Gabriel) who protests the purge by running an ambulance of her own.
In my opinion, the first film in the series was good and the next two have gone increasingly over the rails. I think in a world of reboots and sequels, the people behind these movies came up with something original and frightening – i.e. that person you see everyday at work, in your neighborhood, etc. may seem nice but given the chance to do it legally, might just try to hack you to pieces for some perceived slight (you forgot to say hello to him, didn’t hold the door open or whatever).
It looks like they’re trying to build up this purge world with purge folklore and people fighting to keep the purge and people fighting to stop the purge but amidst it all, the producers shouldn’t lose sight of how watching this movie can make you appreciate that the law is all that keeps humans from acting out on their base animal instincts.
STATUS: Not shelf-worthy. Don’t rush out to see it. Worth a rental.
Oh those irascible fish and their wacky shenanigans.
I’m not really going to do an in-depth review, other than to say I liked it. I remember seeing the first one, back when I was young and you know, still believed in shit.
The Pixar technology was still relatively new and therefore impressive because people hadn’t seen that much of it at the time.
It is a big undertaking to do a sequel to a perfect classic but sure enough, Disney/Pixar made a worthy sequel. It’s touching, funny and without offering a spoiler, there’s a part in it I found pretty hilarious.
A shark takes a bite out of Blake Lively’s phat ass and comes back for more.
BQB here with a review of The Shallows.
SPOILERS.
OK, so the shark doesn’t take a bite out of Blake’s bodacious booty though let’s be honest, could anyone have blamed him? I mean not an actual “bite” bite but still.
Hmm…that joke didn’t land? That’s ok. Nothing new for the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
The set-up? Nancy (Blake), depressed over the loss of her mother to cancer, takes a sojourn from medical school to do some surfing in a shallow cove.
A shark bites her leg and then from thereon it’s about two hours of Blake swimming from rock to rock, trying to think up ways to outfox the finned freak.
I knew very little of this film going into it but it was an enjoyable surprise. I assume it was low budget and if so, it is an example of a lot being done with very little. A cove. Special shark effects. A hot, scantily clad chick.
I liked it. And though the Blakester never gets totally nekkid, she’s in a bikini throughout.
Oh wait. I’m not supposed to notice those things.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy and worth a trip to the theater, not just for wide-screened shots of Blake’s badonka donk but also for scary shark attacks!
I’ll tell you what I want, want I really really want…SPOILERS!
Back in 1996, Robbie Wierdick (no I’m sure no kids made fun of that name) was an overweight nerd with no friends. But when big man on campus Calvin Joyner (Kevin Hart) showed him a kindness that no one else would, he never forgot it.
Flashforward twenty years and Robbie is now Bob Stone (the Rock). There’s been a total role reversal. Bob’s whipped himself into shape and has become a badass CIA agent whereas Cal, once voted most likely to succeed, now lives the boring life of an accountant.
Blah blah blah…through a hilarious sequence of events, Bob and Cal end up working together on a mission to save the world.
It’s your typical Kevin Hart film. Kevin gets thrust into a dangerous situation and then hilariously whines and tries to wiggle his way out.
The running joke of the film is that Bob (again, remember, he’s played by the Rock), despite having become a ripped secret agent, still pretty much acts like his old nerdy self.
In other words, there was probably a contest in the writer’s room to see how many dorky things they could get the Rock to say. (Highlights – he loves unicorns, can’t get enough of Molly Ringwald, and his voicemail message plays the Spice Girls.)
Speaking of the Spice Girls, there’s a whole plethora of 1990’s references as the action circles around Bob and Cal trying to save the day in time to get to their twentieth high school reunion.
Sheesh. Was 1996 really 20 years ago?
Damn it. That means Bob and Cal saw Independence Day after they graduated, with no idea that twenty years later there’d be a ridiculous sequel.
Hollywood, why are you insisting on reminding me that 1996 was twenty years ago? Boo!
STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but again, follows the pretty standard Kevin Hart film formula. No need to rush out to the theater for it, but worth a rental for the laughs and 90’s flashbacks.
Grab a vine and swing your ass on over to my review of The Legend of Tarzan.
Ah-ee-ahh-ee-ahh!
SPOILERS.
I’ve had a hankering to catch this flick ever since the trailers came out. It looks beautiful and it is. The African landscapes, CGI animals, high stakes man vs. gorilla battles – it’s worth putting your butt in a theater seat for two hours.
The film itself suffers from schizophrenia. The Hollywood suits apparently decided that a straight up origin story would be a no go and God bless them, because just as I don’t need to see Bruce Wayne’s parents shot for the 1000th time, I don’t need an in-depth film about Tarzan’s backstory either.
Though it isn’t as well known, we get the gist. British family is shipwrecked off the coast of Africa. Young boy is raised by gorillas and becomes Tarzan, King of the Jungle.
(Millennials, I know you’re all rushing to your social media to declare that this movie is evidence that Harambe didn’t need to be shot and that if left to his own devices, he would have raised that kid that fell into his enclosure to become a mighty warrior. Stop. Just stop. Stop embarrassing yourselves.)
Anyway, the story begins with Lord Clayton (formerly known as Tarzan) at a time where he has returned to England and accepted his noble title and all the wealth and honors that come with it. He’s played by Alexander Skarsgard so all you ladies who enjoyed watching him take his shirt off in True Blood, here’s your chance to get a taste of what you’ve been missing.
He’s married to Jane, played by Margot Robbie. Robbie actually does some bonafide, legitimate acting in this movie which depresses me because the more her career takes off, the less likely I’ll see her jumblies on screen ala Wolf of Wall Street ever again.
Bah, it’s the same old song and dance. At first, all the actresses are tripping over themselves to show the world their good and plenties and then once they get a little fame the goodies go on lockdown forever.
The short version – Clayton and Jane are lured to the Congo under the pretenses of a diplomatic mission. American diplomat George Washington Williams (Samuel L. Jackson) joins them and mostly serves to be that guy the audience can relate to. He can’t believe that Tarzan can do half the shit he does and neither can we.
Alas, the villain, Leon Rom (Christoph Waltz branching out from playing evil Germans to play an evil Belgian this go around) has other plans.
The aforementioned schizophrenia comes in because while the film is about Tarzan’s return to the jungle, it’s a big ass flashback fest, where we’re treated to recurring glimpses of the past that led Tarzan to the path he’s on now.
Lots of action. Visually pleasing. Really, you have nothing better to do this weekend. If you’re reading this blog you need to get out more so start by going to see this.
Or stay in and rent Wolf of Wall Street because to the world’s collective chagrin, Margot’s days of going buff on film are over.
It really is a shame the effect that fame has on photogenic jumblies.
Bookshelf Battle 