Tag Archives: film

Top Ten Things You Should Never Do in a Horror Movie/Slasher Film

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Imagine it, 3.5 readers.

You’ve been transported into a horror film.

Not just any horror film…a slasher film!

Yes, there’s a murderer on the loose and you and your friends must survive.

Fear not.  I have watched many of these movies and I can fully advise you on what NOT to do:

#10 – Don’t Run Upstairs

Hello dummy. You’re upstairs. Now you’re down to two options – 1) jump out a window and die when you hit the ground or b) be gruesomely murdered.

It’s just common sense, people.

#9 – Don’t Be a Dick

Whoever is the douchiest usually gets it first.  The audience is eased into the concept that characters are going to be murdered by killing off the person who said and/or did something mean first.

I mean, we don’t want to see anyone murdered on screen but if someone has to, it might as well be that bimbo who stole the female lead’s boyfriend or called her a mean name or something.

#8 – Don’t Neglect Regular Car Maintenance

Get your oil changed. Get your routine maintenance. Replace your fan belt and your fluids. Get your engine checked.

Do not drive to that creepy cabin in the woods before a fully qualified mechanic (and I’m talking someone who takes pride in their work and not that lowlife schmuck at the corner gas station) has inspected and tended to your car.

Otherwise, your car will not start and then you’re just stuck there while the killer is bashing in your windshield.

#7 – Don’t Go Into the Basement

Similar to “don’t go upstairs” except when you’re in the basement, there’s not even a window to jump out of.  You’re just stuck in there with the killer, dumb ass.

#6 – Don’t Have Sex

I don’t know why but insane killers always ice people who are humping.  I’m no Dr. Freud, but I can only assume that insane killers don’t get a lot of sex and therefore they get angry and lash out at the people who are fornicating first.

#5 – Don’t Take a Shower

Why the eff are you taking a shower when there’s a killer on the loose? How you smell is the least of your worries and your boobs are only being shown for gratuitous boob footage and then once shown your purpose to the audience has been served and the killer will kill you, most likely while you’re still in the shower for easy clean up.

#4 – Don’t Trip

Get yourself a good pair of boots and watch where you’re going so you don’t stumble on a rock or a stick and break your ankle because then all that leads to is you crying and reaching your hand out for the lead character to come back and rescue you and then the lead character is put into the terrible position of deciding whether to save you or save him/herself and since it looks like you are done for he/she will choose him/herself and keep running only to feel terrible for abandoning you later.

#3 – Don’t Forget to Check Real Estate Records

Never trust a real estate agent.  Do a full, in-depth investigation of the property you are buying, renting, or otherwise visiting.  Search newspapers, county records, talk to the neighbors.

At the very least, get on your iPhone and ask Siri if anyone has been murdered in the house you are buying.

If Siri replies, “Yes, twenty people were murdered in that house, would you like me to do a web search for it?” then don’t buy that house.

#2 – Don’t Split Up

A group of friends that sticks together is a group of friends who can jump a killer and curb stomp him gangster style together.

#1 – Don’t Be Not White

Look, if you read this blog, you know I’m not politically correct at all, but I’ll give the super PC people this one.

Hollywood wants to be diverse so they’ll give the hero a non-white friend so that the studio can be all like, “Hooray we love black people!”

But slasher movies more often than not lead to the hero being the last man/woman standing so sorry but, that black friend is going to buy the farm early in the picture.

So if you are black, I’m not sure how to help you other than maybe do that classic Richard Pryor style nerdy white guy voice and the killer might leave you alone for awhile.

HONORABLE MENTION:

  • Don’t go into that dark, creepy shed filled with tools that can be used to bludgeon yourself.
  • In fact, wherever “there is” listen to all the people in the audience yelling, “Don’t go in there!”
  • If a wise elderly person tells you to do or not do something, then do or don’t do it.
  • Don’t get cheap cell phone service. Go with the company that can give you a full slate of bars even when you’re in the woods.
  • Don’t investigate strange noises on your own. Honestly. Who do you think you are, Rambo? Call the cops before the killer cuts the phone line.
  • Oh right. Don’t be a cop. They always get killed when the hero, who is hiding some where, feels hope because the cop has arrived to investigate but alas, the killer then somehow fools the cop into being killed.
  • Don’t be ugly. You can pretty much judge how long everyone in the group has left to live based on their looks.
  • Don’t tell anyone your touching life story.  That’s usually done to make the audience like you and then feel bad when you get slashed. Keep that shit to yourself.

 

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Movie Review – The Shallows (2016)

A shark takes a bite out of Blake Lively’s phat ass and comes back for more.

BQB here with a review of The Shallows.

SPOILERS.

OK, so the shark doesn’t take a bite out of Blake’s bodacious booty though let’s be honest, could anyone have blamed him? I mean not an actual “bite” bite but still.

Hmm…that joke didn’t land? That’s ok. Nothing new for the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

The set-up? Nancy (Blake), depressed over the loss of her mother to cancer, takes a sojourn from medical school to do some surfing in a shallow cove.

A shark bites her leg and then from thereon it’s about two hours of Blake swimming from rock to rock, trying to think up ways to outfox the finned freak.

I knew very little of this film going into it but it was an enjoyable surprise.  I assume it was low budget and if so, it is an example of a lot being done with very little.  A cove. Special shark effects. A hot, scantily clad chick.

I liked it. And though the Blakester never gets totally nekkid, she’s in a bikini throughout.

Oh wait. I’m not supposed to notice those things.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy and worth a trip to the theater, not just for wide-screened shots of Blake’s badonka donk but also for scary shark attacks!

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Movie Review – The Legend of Tarzan (2016)

Me BQB.

You 3.5 Readers.

Grab a vine and swing your ass on over to my review of The Legend of Tarzan.

Ah-ee-ahh-ee-ahh!

SPOILERS.

I’ve had a hankering to catch this flick ever since the trailers came out. It looks beautiful and it is. The African landscapes, CGI animals, high stakes man vs. gorilla battles – it’s worth putting your butt in a theater seat for two hours.

The film itself suffers from schizophrenia. The Hollywood suits apparently decided that a straight up origin story would be a no go and God bless them, because just as I don’t need to see Bruce Wayne’s parents shot for the 1000th time, I don’t need an in-depth film about Tarzan’s backstory either.

Though it isn’t as well known, we get the gist. British family is shipwrecked off the coast of Africa.  Young boy is raised by gorillas and becomes Tarzan, King of the Jungle.

(Millennials, I know you’re all rushing to your social media to declare that this movie is evidence that Harambe didn’t need to be shot and that if left to his own devices, he would have raised that kid that fell into his enclosure to become a mighty warrior.  Stop. Just stop. Stop embarrassing yourselves.)

Anyway, the story begins with Lord Clayton (formerly known as Tarzan) at a time where he has returned to England and accepted his noble title and all the wealth and honors that come with it. He’s played by Alexander Skarsgard so all you ladies who enjoyed watching him take his shirt off in True Blood, here’s your chance to get a taste of what you’ve been missing.

He’s married to Jane, played by Margot Robbie.  Robbie actually does some bonafide, legitimate acting in this movie which depresses me because the more her career takes off, the less likely I’ll see her jumblies on screen ala Wolf of Wall Street ever again.

Bah, it’s the same old song and dance. At first, all the actresses are tripping over themselves to show the world their good and plenties and then once they get a little fame the goodies go on lockdown forever.

The short version – Clayton and Jane are lured to the Congo under the pretenses of a diplomatic mission.  American diplomat George Washington Williams (Samuel L. Jackson) joins them and mostly serves to be that guy the audience can relate to. He can’t believe that Tarzan can do half the shit he does and neither can we.

Alas, the villain, Leon Rom (Christoph Waltz branching out from playing evil Germans to play an evil Belgian this go around) has other plans.

The aforementioned schizophrenia comes in because while the film is about Tarzan’s return to the jungle, it’s a big ass flashback fest, where we’re treated to recurring glimpses of the past that led Tarzan to the path he’s on now.

Lots of action.  Visually pleasing. Really, you have nothing better to do this weekend. If you’re reading this blog you need to get out more so start by going to see this.

Or stay in and rent Wolf of Wall Street because to the world’s collective chagrin, Margot’s days of going buff on film are over.

It really is a shame the effect that fame has on photogenic jumblies.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

 

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Movie Review – Now You See Me 2

Abracadabra!

Hollywood just made two hours of my life disappear.

If you don’t want SPOILERS to appear, look away.

BQB here with a review of Now You See Me 2.

Some critics made fun of it but I actually liked the first Now You See Me.

Sure, the plot, the “magic” and everything that happened in the movie was highly unlikely…but in a time of rebooted reboots of sequels to reboots, IT WAS *GASP* AN ORIGINAL IDEA!

If you missed the first one, check it out. Basically, a group of magicians (the Vegas performer kind of magicians, not to be confused with pointy hat wearing wizards) called “the Four Horsemen” use their magic skills in Robin Hood style, robbing from a corrupt/rich insurance company tycoon played by Michael Caine and giving to the poor.

So I was up for a second one and…meh.

Yeah. I’m sorry but “meh.”

Razzle dazzle was the original’s hook.  The magic shows/tricks were fun to watch and in your mind you try to figure out how the performers did it. Plus, they convinced me that Michael Caine’s character was douche-tastic enough to deserve to be robbed.

But in the sequel, they kind of just went back to the same well. Michael Caine is still the villain, but this time his son, played by Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame, does most of his dirty work.

I don’t want to be part of the “let’s all typecast Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter so he never gets another acting job again” movement. I realize he’s been in other movies since Harry Potter.

This is the only one I have seen and in my opinion, he did well in the role.  Of course, the role was of a British nerd, so yeah, Daniel did just fine.

That’s not a dig on British nerds. We love you, nerds across the pond.

I have a complaint about an issue that I wish I knew more about.

Isla Fisher played the female horseman or “horse woman” in the original and she didn’t return for the sequel.

I don’t know why and wasn’t able to find any info on it.  I don’t know if it was a case where she didn’t want to return, the studio decided to not have her return or what have you.

Lizzy Caplan joins the group as the new female horsewoman.

She’s very funny and in many ways, the star of the show, but it does send a message that females are interchangeable in movies.

It happens a lot in big ensemble movies like this one.  All the dudes return but for whatever reason, they just swap out one hot chick for another hot chick.

The movie suffers from crammage – too much going on packed in to two hours and not enough time to address it all.

Mark Ruffalo returns as an FBI agent/magician (which continues to be an unlikely pairing of abilities). Magic debunker Thaddeus Bradley (Morgan Freeman) continues to be a pebble in the Horsemen’s shoe (magic debunker continues to be a unlikely career occupation, IMO).

Really. Who wants to be a magic debunker? Talk about pooping in the punch bowl.

Still, there are some great scenes. In particular, there’s a card throwing scene in which…well, I’ll just let you watch it. I enjoyed that part enough to be left with the feeling that the movie wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Maybe just 97% of a waste of my time.

Woody Harrelson was also pretty funny playing his character from the first film as well as that character’s obnoxiously evil twin brother. It’s the first time I have ever seen a movie in which Woody Harrelson made a conscious effort to become someone other than Woody Harrelson.

I also liked the exotic locations. Macau, China (the Vegas of China), London – lots of globe trotting. Made me want to do some traveling myself.

Among my many complaints, the top one has to be that they really should have come up with another villain/plot other than, “Damn it! Michael Caine’s up to no good again!”

If they do go with another sequel to make a trilogy, they have got to come up with another villain.

Do you need to rush out to the theater to see it?

No.

Is it worth a rental?

Yes.

But if there’s going to be a Now You See Me 3, they really need to up their game.

STATUS: Meh. Not shelf-worthy but not quite toilet worthy.

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Movie Review – Warcraft (2016)

By: Special Guest Video Game Movie Reviewer Video Game Rack Fighter.

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Ms. Fighter – Currently in Training to Defend Her Title in the Upcoming 2016 Car Thief Mayhem World Championship Competition

It’s here! It’s finally here!

The long awaited film based on an online multi-player game is here.

Did it suffer the “video game movies suck curse?”

Read on to find out but beware SPOILERS.

VGRF here with a review of Warcraft.

Movieclips Trailers – Warcraft

Warcraft.  The online game in which humans can choose to be a variety of fantasy characters and fight for virtual power and gold has been around forever, or at least 1996.

That’s right millennials. Some of us were nerding it up before you were born and even before it became chic to declare yourself a nerd.

And now there’s a movie.  It broke the box office in China, bringing in over $145 million this weekend just in that country.  The Chinese love their Warcraft.

Kind of makes me wish I could go back in time and start my own video game company that allows people to pretend to be wizards, warriors, elves, orcs or what have you.

Speaking of orcs, let’s talk about the movie.

Orcs. Long considered the perpetually raging, possibly misunderstood buttholes of the fantasy realm, they’ve destroyed their world and rather than seek to mend their evil orcish ways, they cross through a porthole into the human realm of Azeroth and start conquering and pillaging and generally orcing shit up in true orc fashion.

Hmm. Maybe the Azerothians need to build a wall and make the Orcs pay for it?

Huh? Huh? Crickets. Hmm. Blame BQB. That joke was his idea.

Moving on. Naturally, the humans aren’t going to stand for all this orcish tomfoolery.  From thereon, it’s difficult to figure out who’s who and what’s what because all the human dudes are basically a bunch of long haired hipster beardos who all look alike.

But, if you make an effort to get past that, you’ll see Dominic Cooper as the King Wrynn, Travis Fimmel as Commander Lothar, and Ben Foster as Medivh the Guardian.

I don’t want to give too much away, but suffice to say hi jinx ensue when one orc clan leader has second thoughts about all the evil orcishness and seeks to ally himself with the humans.

Paula Patton plays Garona, the half-human/half-orc and the only one who could possibly bring peace between humans and orcs.

Yeesh. So I assume her father was an orc and her mother was a human.  Her poor, poor mother. She probably didn’t walk right for a year after that.

Crickets? Another joke suggestion from BQB.  Unless you laughed. Then it was all mine.

Ultimately, I don’t think this movie suffers from the “all video game movies suck” curse.

An actual effort was made to develop characters, a plot, a storyline. I won’t spoil the ending but it is obvious that further sequels are in the works.

If you aren’t a nerd or you dislike the fantasy genre, you probably won’t enjoy it.

It is more in line with the traditional fantasy genre style.  Nerds in robes – wizards, elves, dwarves, everyone geeking it up and expecting a nerd audience who knows what all this nerd shit means.

As I watched it, it dawned on me that George RR Martin was able to get a wide, diverse audience into his Song of Ice and Fire (aka Game of Thrones) series because he was able to take so many relatable human problems and insert them into a fantasy world.

But for Warcraft, you’re going to have to be a nerd to enjoy it.

Luckily for you, if you are reading this blog, you already are one.

Visually stunning. Worth to see it on the big screen.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Should There Be a Female James Bond?

I’d like to start out by being close-minded and say…NO!!!

This happens every once in awhile.  Whenever they are in the market for a new James Bond, every British person who wants the role starts doing interviews to float the idea that they wouldn’t mind being James Bond.

A whole bunch of male Brits have put themselves out there…but Emilia Clarke from Game of Thrones did an interview saying she wouldn’t mind being “Jane Bond.”  Gillian Anderson (Is she even British? I’ll have to look it up) said the same.

Ladies, look.  More power to you but these films are an outlet for me and many dudes to fantasize that a world exists where men are allowed to be men, that in our minds we are James Bond and that we could drive around in fast, expensive cars, live rich, extravagant lifestyles, and be so studly that we seduce women into giving up international secrets.

We know women can seduce men into giving up any info.  There’s no challenge there. That Bond gets all these women to do his bidding is like the ultimate fantasy. Never happens in real life so let us dream.

And besides…Bond’s women have names like “Pussy Galore.” What would Jane Bond’s boyfriend be? “Gotta Bigdonger?”

Women…stop.  Just stop. We have to draw the line somewhere. I forbid this.

What say you 3.5 readers?

 

 

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Movie Review – 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

A woman is either John Goodman’s guest or hostage.

That’s pretty much it.

End of review.

Crap.  That’s only 16 words?

Let’s talk some more then.  BQB here with a review of 10 Cloverfield Lane.

SPOILER WARNING!

So here’s the deal, 3.5 readers.

Our tale begins with Michelle (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) getting into a car accident.  When she wakes up, she’s locked away in an underground bunker.

Her host or captor as the case may be is Howard (John Goodman.)  He informs her that while she was knocked out, a  major attack occurred up above.  It might have been nuclear or chemical, he isn’t sure, but he’s sure that the world above ground is no longer habitable and she needs to stay in the bunker with him.  She’s informed that if she tries to leave the bunker, she’ll let in poison gas that will kill everyone.

OK.  Show of hands, ladies.  How many men have tried the old “the world above ground is uninhabitable due to a chemical weapons attack and you have to stay in this bunker with me until it is safe” trick?  Happens to you like every Saturday night, right?

Yup.  I understand.  It isn’t easy being a woman.

Ah, but here’s the rub.  Howard might be telling the truth.

Thus, the major question of the movie unfolds.  Is Howard a psychotic wack job who built a bunker to hold people captive in, or is he an eccentric conspiracy theorist/doomsday prepper whose crazy desire to build a fallout shelter of his very own paid off when an attack actually happened?

In other words, is he Michelle’s captor or savior?

To add to the confusion, there’s another inhabitant.  Emmett (John Gallagher) is about Michelle’s age.  He’s convinced Howard’s right and there was an attack, but he’s also dumb and gullible so that doesn’t help much when it comes to answering the question.

On top of all that, there are other strange doings afoot, but I don’t want to ruin it for you anymore than I already have.

I loved this movie and I highly recommend it.  It is definitely something for aspiring writers to check out.  It has a Hitchcockian ability to keep the audience on the edge of their seats and J.J. Abrams produced it so you know it’s good.

The writers of this film toss out breadcrumbs and red herrings throughout.  As the movie unfolds clues to support the “this is just a trick to hold people hostage” theory as well as “he’s right and there really was an attack” theory are presented, leaving the viewer to wonder what the hell is going on until the very end.

It’s definitely a “less is more” film.  Most of it takes place inside the bunker itself.

Go see it.  John Goodman’s best work.  Our favorite big guy is getting up there in age, so if the Academy wanted to toss him an award for this, it is a worthy performance.

But they probably won’t because he’s fat and you know…#OscarsSoPretty.

NOTE:  This is not a sequel to the 2008 film Cloverfield.  Remember that movie?  It was one of those “people run away from a monster while taping shaky amateur footage because the Blair Witch Project did it successfully in the late 1990s so everyone else wanted to see if they could recreate it” movies.

I thought it was a sequel myself when the trailer came out.  Mary Elizabeth looks a little bit like one of the actresses in that film (Lizzy Caplan) so maybe that’s why.

And I foresee this could be Mary Elizabeth’s breakout film.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Movie Review: Spectre (2015)

The name’s Battler.  Bookshelf Q. Battler.

And I’d like this review to be shaken, not stirred.

Aww who cares, only 3.5 people are going to read it anyway.

BQB here with a review of the latest James Bond movie, Spectre.

At the outset, let me just say this:

  1.  It wasn’t as good as Skyfall, but that’s only because Skyfall set the bar so high.
  2. But that being said, it was still pretty damn good.  A lot better than that Quantum of Solace nonsense.

I love James Bond.  Bond is the man every man wants to be.  I’d love to be able to charm the pants off of any woman I meet, beat the crap out of all my enemies and still make it to cocktail hour on time in a nice suit.

Sadly, that only happens in the movies.  Bond is so suave he can even charm top secret info out of hot enemy babes.  Meanwhile, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that one day I’ll get a woman to make a sandwich for me.  Damn it Bond, you probably get all the sandwiches you want, don’t you, you bastard?

Anyhoo – OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

It hasn’t been easy for Bond in the post-9/11 world.  Since that fateful day, as well as after various tragedies since, people have been a lot more aware of the fact that illicit intercontinental activities can bring about grave repercussions.

Suddenly, the white cat stroking caricature Bond used to face just doesn’t cut it anymore, not when we’re fully aware there are real monsters in the world.

Casino Royale got the message.  It was lost in Quantum of Solace, which involved a plot to steal water.  Sorry Bond, but we’re done with outlandish, cartoonish plots.

Skyfall gave the series a reboot, giving Bond a team of compatriots to work with – a new Q, a new Moneypenny, a new M, new colleagues all around.  And this is the first film where we get to see them all shine.

The plot?  Bond must infiltrate the evil underground organization known as Spectre and take it down.  Its operated by a sinister ne’er-do-well aptly played by Christoph Waltz.  Waltz provides a great performance – never too emotional, speaking matter of faculty about significantly evil doings.

Wrestler David Bautista STEALS the show.  It’s been awhile since we’ve seen a good Bond henchman.  I’m not talking about the main villain but a lackey, a number two, a guy who does the villain’s dirty work.  Oddjob is the last one I remember.

Bautista hunts Bond and even though your inner voice reminds you that it is Bond’s movie so of course he can’t die, this guy leaves you thinking Bond might just end up drinking that shaken martini in the sky.

He doesn’t.  Don’t worry.  I don’t think that’s a spoiler.  You all know Bond lives at the end of these things, right?  That’s why they’ve made so many of these movies.

Ralph Fiennes, having replaced Judi Dench as Bond’s boss, M, is at the helm in this movie.  You end up feeling for the guy.  He’s plagued by red tape and bureaucracy.  He has to chew Bond out for ignoring protocol and generating bad press, even though its obvious he understands that Bond’s unorthodox methods have saved the world from ruin time and time again.

It sucks to be management.

One criticism is that there is a whole scene where the villain spills the beans to Bond as to how his whole sinister operation works.  I kind of thought these movies were pushing to get past those tropes but oh well, you have to have some, right?

Oh and I should point out, the villain does have a white cat, but he doesn’t stroke it.  Progress.

STATUS:  Shelf worthy.  Worth seeing in the theater due to great stunts, fights, car chases, special effects.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #TBA – Kill ‘Em Again – (Part 3)

October 25, 2015 – Midnightshutterstock_239019751

The air was stale – cheap food, booze and leftovers.  I wasn’t helping the situation with my cigar.  My head was reeling from the evening’s festivities.

Upstairs, there was a couch in my office with my name on it.

But I needed to find out what the hell Battler wanted.

I slit open the manilla envelope, procured the piece of paper inside and read:

Hatcher,

A group of teenagers in peril.  A vicious psychopath wants them dead.  One by one he picks them off until the last one or two, depending on how gracious the film’s screenwriter was feeling at the time.

Somehow, our hero manages to get the upper hand.  He shoots, stabs, maims, or even runs the killer over with a car.  Alas, thinking the madman to be dead, the protagonist celebrates too early.  To the audience’s dismay, the killer gets up and starts chasing our hero around again.

Jason.  Freddy.  Leatherface.  Happens all the time.

Why, Hatcher?  Why, oh why do heroes in slasher flicks refuse to double-tap?

I’d heard that phone books had become a thing of the past and that it was possible to get a person’s number by dialing 411.  I tried it.

“Hello, thank you for dialing 411, how may I direct your call?”

“Uhh, yeah, hiya Toots,”  I said.  “Do you know Agnes?”

“Who?”  the operator asked.

“Agnes the Librarian.”

“You want the number for the public library, sir?”  the operator asked.

“Jeepers H. Crowe, dollface,”  I said.  “What kind of a question is that?”

“Excuse me?”

“Well I doubt the library is open at this ungodly hour, don’t you?”  I asked.

“I have no idea what you want me to do, sir.”

“Agnes,”  I replied.  “Get that old broad on the line and make it snappy.  I’m a busy man, see?”

“Do you have her last name?”  the operator asked.

I slapped my forehead.

“Oh for the love of Edward G. Robinson’s sneer,”  I said.  “What was it again?  Aloysius?  Anchorage?  Alabaster?  No…ABERNATHY!  Yes.  That’s the ticket.  One Agnes Abernathy please.”

“I have one listing for Herbert and Agnes Abernathy,” the operator said.

“That’s it.  Put me through sweetheart.”

All of a sudden there was a robot talking to me.

“The number you have requested can be dialed for an additional charge of thirty-five cents by pressing the number one…”

Thirty-five cents.  Highway robbery if you asked me.  “Aw screw it,”  I thought as I hit the number one.  “I’ll just send an invoice to Battler for it.”

“Hello?”  came an old lady’s voice.

“Agnes!”  I shouted.

“Yes?”

“Listen, I’m sorry to bother you at home but I’ve got quite a caper transpiring here…”

“Who is this?”  Agnes asked.

“Jacob R. Hatcher, Pop Culture Detective,”  I answered.

“Oh for the love of…”

There was a long trail of unlady like obscenities I won’t bother to offend the ears of you fine 3.5 readers with.

“Jake, are you nuts?  You can’t bother me at home!  This is very inappropriate for you to be calling my home this late.  How did you get this number?”

“Information,”  I replied.

“Are you some kind of weirdo sex pervert?”  Agnes asked.  “Are you stalking me?”

I laughed.

“No offense old gal, but I wouldn’t touch you with Herb’s business,” I said.  “Say Agnes, now that you’ve got all that out of your system, what’s a fella gotta do to find a monster movie around here?”

“A what?”

“A mons…Jumpin Jehosaphat, Agnes, are you deaf?  MONSTER….MOVIE!”

“Jake, I’m not in the mood for your nonsense,”  Agnes said.  “Herb’s been up all night throwing up in the bathroom and I’m exhausted.”

“Yikes,”  I said.  “Sorry to hear that.  You should tell him to lay off the bottle.  That’s why I do when I start praying to the porcelain god.”

I could hear the disdain in Agnes’ voice.

“HE HAS CANCER YOU JACK ASS!”

“Oh,”  I replied.  “Even worse.  Tell him I’m pulling for him.  So howsabout that monster movie?”

“It’s Halloween time,”  Agnes said.

“What’s that got to do with the price of tea in China?”  I inquired.

“Put on your TV and there will be one on every channel.  Were you dropped on your head as a child?”

“I doubt it,”  I said.  “Ma Hatcher was a world class baby rearer.”

I grabbed the remote control and turned on the TV Ms. Tsang had mounted on one of the side walls of the restaurant floor to entertain the customers.

The old gal was right.  Every channel I flipped through had images that were gorier than the last.

“Thanks Ag,”  I said.  “I’ll let you go.”

Silence.  An exasperate sigh.  Loud heaving sounds in the background.

“What the hell,”  Agnes said.  “I’m going to be up for awhile.  Tell me what channel you’re putting on and I’ll watch it with you.”

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Why There Shouldn’t Be a Die Hard Prequel

Hi 3.5 readers.

Yes, I am trapped in the middle of a zombie apocalypse but I do have Alien Jones’ space phone to keep me updated on the latest pop culture news.

So this idea for a Die Hard prequel starring Bruce Willis about John McClane’s early days as a NYC cop.

RIDICULOUS!

Here’s the thing.

First.  Let me say this.  Big Die Hard fan here.  It’s my favorite Christmas movie.

3.5 READERS – But BQB, it’s an action film!

So what?  It takes place during an office Christmas party taken over by evil terrorists!  Every year without fail, when you’re watching the Grinch or It’s a Wonderful Life or whatever I’m watching John McClane save Nakatomi.

Here’s why the original Die Hard was so great.

It starred an average guy in the lead role.

Originally, Arnold Schwarzenegger was going to be McClane.  Would have been ok.  Probably would have ended up being mildly memorable.

But Bruce Willis?  Then a pretty average looking dude, hell he was balding and going with that “I’m fighting the good fight against hair loss” hairstyle at the time.

And it made all the difference.

Sure, McClane was a cop but in real life the average cop is not equipped to take down a team of highly trained terrorists all by himself.

That’s what made the movie awesome.  It basically asked YOU to step into McClane’s shoes.  You’re not Arnold.  You don’t have muscles up the wazoo.  You have average speed, strength, agility, intelligence…and now it’s up to YOU to save the day.

McClane was more or less one of the first average heroes in an action film.

Aside from the idea that a younger actor will play a young McClane – I mean, I get that – sure, Bruce Willis can’t play a young version of himself.  But Willis is so McClane I don’t know how its possible to find anyone else to play this iconic role.

That’s crazy in and of itself but what’s really crazy about the idea is that if you create an adventure where McClane had some kind of amazing fight between himself and various bad dudes BEFORE the original, then how can I ever enjoy the original again?

Because again, that’s the beauty of the original – average guy fights against the odds.  Give McClane an adventure that happened BEFORE Nakatomi and well, ok who gives a shit then, of course John can handle Hans Gruber and Co, he handed X bad guy in the damn prequel.

BOOO!!!! BOO!!! BOO! I say BOOO!!!!  Don’t make it Hollywood.  Don’t make it.

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