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May 13 2024
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Movies

Movie Review – Abigail (2024)

Vampire + ballerina = ballerina vampire.

BQB here with a review.

SPOILERS ABOUND!!! Go watch it first if you don’t want SPOILERS.

3.5 readers, we’ve reached a crisis with movies lately. The new ones, on the whole, are so dumb, lame, and boring, completely made for the paint by numbers, cookie cutter world of streaming, that I rarely rent a film. If it got me to put my butt into a movie theater seat then usually it was worth it (though sometimes it wasn’t) but if it didn’t get me to go to the theater, then usually it is a waste of my time to rent it.

I have tried and more often than not, I usually end up checking my watch 10-20 minutes in, I pause it and check my tweets, I’m so bored I do anything else but watch it and before I know it, a day or two has gone by and I missed my rental window and who cares? I do because I’m out 20 bucks but otherwise that’s a movie I won’t bother with again.

But I’m glad I broke my no-rental rule for this one because I was on the edge of my seat the entire time and if you like horror, crime with just a very light tinge of dark comedy, I’d say it’s worth your time too.

The plot? A bunch of crooks have gotten together to kidnap the 12 year old daughter of a rich man and hold her for 50 million dollars ransom. They break into her father’s luxurious mansion right after she returns from ballerina practice, still in her costume.

At first, this seems like it will be an easy job, but soon the predators are turned into prey when they realize they have been locked into a safe house with…dun dun dun…a tiny vampire ballerina! As the lights dim and the sound track to Swan Lake plays, this tiny terror pirouettes and dances about as she sucks the blood of her tormentors.

PRO: It’s very original. Sure, there have been other movies in the past where crooks messed with the wrong guy or in this case, gal. But to my knowledge, none have done it with a vampire and done it this well so kudos.

CON: Understandably, movie trailers have to package and promote a snippet of what the flick is about. So I remember the trailers for this one going around earlier this year. I recall it being billed as group of people stuck in house with vampire ballerina and thought it was weird. Sometimes I wonder if group of people stuck in mystery house where bad unexplained things would be a good way to promote it and then let the audience enjoy the mystery and the big reveal.

For the first hour, the crew is picked off one by one and they are terrified as they try to figure out what is going on. Little bread crumbs are revealed. Possible red herrings as thrown, making the crooks think they have different, natural, human opponents until the big reveal comes when they realize their captor has pointy teeth and supernatural strength and powers. Without the trailers revealing their opponent was a vampire ballerina, it would have been quite a surprise but then again, the vampire ballerina is the movie’s big draw so of course they have to promote her.

One more complaint. I’ve ranted a lot on this blog about how, for the past 10 years or so, Hollywood has, IMO, crossed the line when it comes to kid actors, putting them into adult situations for the sake of petty entertainment. Here, young actress Alisha Weir is covered with blood and given creepy eyes and terrifying teeth, allowed to feast on victims and commit heinous acts of murder. That’s a lot for a kid but I suppose it’s been done before. We know its ridiculous and not really real. What I didn’t like was a scene earlier in the film where in the beginning, where we think Abigail is just a kid and not a vamp, one of the crooks puts a gun to her hand and she cries. I just didn’t think that was necessary and I didn’t want to see violence like that perpetrated against a kid on film even if it is make believe. get they are trying to establish these are bad people, but we already knew. They had stooped low enough to kidnap a child, after all.

The cast? A lot of newcomers I didn’t recognize as well as movie regulars like Giancarlo Esposito and Dan Stevens who it seems is in everything these days. Kevin Durand, who usually plays psychos and weirdos, doesn’t disappoint. Melissa Barrera plays the crook with a heart of gold.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy. If anything else, you’ll hear the sound track to Swan Lake more times than you can possibly shake a stick at.

HEY! I have a complaint about THE ENDING and IT CONTAINS SPOILERS so LOOK AWAY if you don’t want it SPOILED. If you did watch it already, then check it out.

So, we learn that Abigail is not just any old 12 year old but was actually frozen in time due to her vampirism several hundred years ago. Though she has lived for hundreds of years, she is forever trapped in a child’s body. Vampire flicks have explored this horror of horrors before, with Kirsten Dunst in Interview with a Vampire being a prime example. We learn Abigail’s “father” did this to her though we aren’t sure if her father is her actual father or her vampire father i.e did she have another biological father and her vampire father is the one who turned her into a vamp? Are they the same? Who knows?

At any rate, Abigail’s vamp father has been running an evil crime syndicate for centuries and posing as different crime bosses along the way and Abigail has taken the guise as his top enforcer, spreading the rumor that a monstrous hitman carries out the boss’ whims while in fact, his tiny vamp daughter does the murders.

Throughout the flick, Abigail revels in the murderous mayhem yet at the end, she seems to bond with Barrera’s character, Joey. You wonder maybe, for a brief moment, if Abigail wouldn’t like to be saved from this vile life of being a vamp mobster’s vamp hitman and maybe Joey could be her…I don’t know…aunt? Mother figure? Big sister?

So should the film have ended with Joey defeating Abigail’s vamp dad and saving Abigail? Ehh, maybe but then again, I got the impression maybe Joey thought about it, maybe even Abigail thought about it, and they just realized vamp dad would be a fight they couldn’t win and they had to go back where they belong, Joey to the human world, Abigail to the vamp crime world.

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Apr 24 2024
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Movie Review – The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare (2024)

Spy stuff! Action! Suspense! The inspiration for James Bond!

BQB here with a review of The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare.

It’s very rare in today’s exceedingly woke times to see an action movie where men are macho and are allowed to blow shit up, wreak havoc, shoot guns and damn it, my ding dong just got hard thinking about it. Excuse me for a moment. Talk amongst yourselves.

Alright, I’m back. Based on former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill’s declassified in 2016 documents, this story tells the tale of the UK’s first special forces mission, which essentially began MI6 or Great Britain’s first foray into spycraft and/or clandestine missions. Coincidentally, it was also the inspiration for the James Bond films, but we’ll get to that in a moment.

It’s WW2 and the Nazis command the Atlantic Ocean. They’re choking off trade to England, sinking supply ships with their U-Boats. Said boats are supplied by only 4 ships based in Fernando Po, an island colony in Africa owned by then neutral Spain. To bomb the port outright would be to bring Spain into the war on the side of the Nazis, an outcome to be avoided. Thus, Winston Churchill (a heavily made up Rory Kinnear) with assistance of Brigadier Gubbins (Cary Elwes) recruits a “dirty dozen” (not exactly a dozen) but a collection of “war criminals” – i.e. not atrocity perpetrators in the war crime sense but soldiers who have been thrown in prison because for whatever reason, they didn’t follow orders.

This is a dirty job, one requiring men who will be disavowed if caught, so Churchill needs men with less than stellar reputations, willing to get their hands dirty and the dirtiest among them is Gus March-Phillips (Henry Cavill) who leads the squad. Cavill looks like he had fun with this one, laughing maniacally as he shoots and blows up Nazis.

March would go on to be the inspiration for James Bond, the character in a series of novels penned by Ian Fleming, who has a minor role as a character in the film played by Freddie Fox. Apparently, his time as Grubbins’ assistant in the operation inspired Fleming to put pen to paper.

Directed by Guy Ritchie who has a great track record.

Overall, it’s quite a fun film and a much needed relief from super woke fare. Go see it today.

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Mar 13 2024
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Movies

Movie Review – Ricky Stanicky (2024)

Don’t you love it when a movie you expect to be poop turns out to be gold?

Well, ok, silver. Alright, bronze. Still worth a watch though.

BQB here with a review.

When I read the premise of Amazon’s “Ricky Stanicky,” I thought it sounded very stupid indeed. Three young friends in the late 1990s blame all of their mischief on an imaginary friend named Ricky Stanicky. Teachers. Cops. Parents. Angry neighbors. Whenever the boys are in trouble, the boys simply tell them that Ricky Stanicky did whatever rotten deed just transpired and even worse, he just ran that-away. The adults have a scapegoat to blame and the boys are off the hook, scot-free. The rouse works so well that they continue their fake friendship with “Ricky” well into their adulthood, imagining wild and crazy stories of stupid things that Ricky did to explain to their wives, families, co-workers and bosses why they can’t do something, be somewhere, or take part in some dumb thing they really don’t want to do. “Oh sorry, I’d really love to go to your boring thing but you’ll never believe what that jackass Stanicky roped me into.” Works like a charm.

Alas, the jig is up when the friends overplay their hand in adulthood. Friends Dean (Zac Efron), JT (Andrew Santino) and Wes (Jermaine Fowler) claim Ricky is desperately clinging onto life due to a raging case of testicular cancer and needs his bros to fly to their side. In reality, they’re flying to Atlantic City to party hearty rather than attend JT’s wife’s baby shower.

When Mrs. JT goes into labor early, Wes cracks under pressure and almost confesses to the lie but Dean saves the day and explains that Ricky made the whole ball cancer thing up just to get the bros to come visit him to celebrate the fifth anniversary of the removal of his previous ball, also from ball cancer, and apparently the boys invent lies about Ricky’s gonads to get out of doing stuff a lot. Now non-existent Ricky is in the doghouse and Dean and JT’s wives want to give the prick a piece of their minds. Thus, they demand the friends produce Ricky in the flesh at once so they can chew his ass out and rip him a new one.

This is a tall order since Ricky is imaginary, but leave it to sleazy lounge singer Rod Rimestead (John Cena) to save the day. The bro-heims hire Rod to pose as the Rickster and take the fall.

All seems well except Rod’s personal life sucks so bad that he actually enjoys being Ricky so much that he fully embraces the imaginary life the boys have built for Ricky over the course of several years, wielding these lies to get a big time job, make lots of money and friends, completely invade their world and refuse to go away. This might sound far-fetched, but in today’s social media age, maybe it isn’t, for the lads have spent years building Ricky a robust social media presence full of tales of impressive globe trotting adventures, which Rod (as Ricky) uses to woo and impress his way to the top.

Thus the boys are left with a conundrum – how to extricate this poser from their lives without confessing to their own complicity in the fraud?

As I watched this film, I felt a certain sense of familiarity. The completely ridiculous premise that the film sticks to like glue, no matter how absurd it gets. The potty humor. The Providence, RI setting. “Boy, this sure feels a lot like one of those old Farrelly Bros comedies from the late 90s and early 2000s that I used to know and love.”

Sure enough, it was. Turns out that Prime gave on of the Bros a deal and said bro still walks the walk of old school gross out comedy, no easy task in today’s hyper woke age. Older folks like me who remember when comedy films used to be funny will enjoy this one.

True, it’s silly. It won’t go down in history. It will be forgotten in 6 months but its pretty solid with some decent gut busting laughs. Its worth your time.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Mar 12 2024
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Movies

Classic Movie Review – The Irishman (2019)

Did you know Jimmy Hoffa could be hiding in this blog, 3.5 readers? That’s right. He could be somewhere in this website all along and no one would know because only 3.5 people ever read this damn thing.

BQB here with a review.

5 years. 5 long…actually not so long years it took me before I got around to watching this flick. If you told me as a young man I’d wait five years to watch a Scorcese movie starring Pacino and DeNiro, I’d say your out of your mind, but at three and a half hours, who has that kind of time?

Finally, I decided I would never have that long to devote to a movie in one sitting (I nearly wanted to write a stern complaint letter to Marty when I sat down for what I thought would be two hours of Flower Moon only to find I’d unwittingly signed up for a four hour marathon), I set out to watch this movie in 10-20 minute bites over the course of a week, with a watch of the final hour this weekend.

Does it lend as much gravitas to watch it in bits? Maybe not but that’s the only way I could ever get through this thing. Marty is a light touch with the editing scissors in his old age.

But while the more recent Flower Moon could have been easily reduced by half to two hours, this film does contain a lot of interesting snippets of history intermixed with theories (of the conspiracy variety?) vis a vis the death of the infamous union leader.

To be fair, Jimmy Hoffa (Al Pacino) did a lot of good in his life, promoting the union movement and convincing companies to put worker safety, retirement, benefits and futures ahead of bottomlines. But there was also some bad, as he did go to jail for fraud.

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

But the movie isn’t so much about Hoffa as the man this flick alleges did him in. Now, I should say up front, no one really knows who killed Hoffa. Technically, no one knows for sure that he died. Officially, we just know he went missing in 1975 and was legally declared dead in 1982 after not being seen for 7 years.

After years of going to war with the Kennedys and sparring with various mafiosos, could he have decided to just run off to the mountains and live out the remainder of his days? Sure, but probably not. He had a pesky habit of publicly challenging his enemies to bring it on and he ain’t goin’ nowhere so he doesn’t really fit the profile of a runner.

So chances are, he was probably forced to take an eternal dirtnap by one goon or another. Do we know that goon whodunnit was Frank Sheeran (Robert DeNiro)? No, so we have to keep that in mind as we watch this long, long absurdly long film.

The tale is an epic, spanning from the 1940s to the 1990s. Sheeran is a young truck driver with a wife and family, looking to make a little extra money on the side when mobster Russell Buffalino (Joe Pesci) recruits him to do odd illicit jobs. Sheeran eventually moves up the food chain, becomes a close friend of Jimmy Hoffa, graduates from hitman to union leader himself but keeps doing wetwork on the side. I want to say allegedly because WTF do I know but hey, that’s what this movie says, not me, so don’t come after me, Sheeran Estate.

Sheeran is eventually torn between his two close friends, each who had a part in making him a success (or at least rich – if you call being a mobster goon a success). In his old age, Hoffa has stepped on too many toes and many a wiseguy wants him to go, with Russell being the main advocate for his removal (on ice). But Hoffa wants to stay and has the ultimate IDGAF attitude, threats be damned.

Alas, Sheeran will have to make a decision. And I guess I already told you what decision he made (my lawyer says I have to tell you according to this movie) so you don’t have to watch it for three and a half hours, unless you want to. Hey I did say spoiler alert.

The good? I have to hand it to DeNiro and Pacino. Both are men of advanced age yet they still got it. Pesci’s not bad either. You learn a lot about history as Sheeran is presented as sort of the Forrest Gump of the mafia – his alleged hits (hey, I said alleged!) turn the course of many a historical tide while he goes largely unnoticed, which I guess, if you’re a mafioso trying to stay out of a can, is a good thing.

BONUS: Sopranos fans will be happy to see many of the old gang back at it. Forgive me for forgetting the actors names, but I’ll just refer to them by their Sopranos characters – Charmaine, Beansie, Eugene Pontecorvo, Gerry “The Hairdo” Torciano. Apparently, there were some more, so forgive me for not getting to them all and there were some who didn’t make it to the screen but were involved behind the scenes.

Plus if you like Everybody Loves Raymond, Ray Romano has a pretty prominent role.

Also, there are a lot of big name actors who are in it just in supporting roles. For example, Anna Paquin of Sookie Stackhouse fame plays Sheeran’s perpetually shy daughter, and she barely says a word because her character is perpetually shy.

The bad? Even with all the de-aging techniques, from CGI to makeup, it’s very difficult to suspend disbelief and see a 75 year old DeNiro as a young family man early in the film. I’m not sure what could have been done differently. Younger actors could have been cast but we would have been robbed of Pacino and DeNiro starring together. And the challenge of the film is that it covers a 50, almost 60 year period, so even the younger actors are outfitted in bald caps and gray wigs by the end. There was probably no way really to avoid aging and/or de-aging the talent. To that end, the film deserves a lot of credit in the make-up department.

Also, Pacino and DeNiro are two of the most famous Italian-American actors of all time, but they are playing Irish characters. That’s fine by me. I don’t really care about the cultural appropriation hullabaloo, but there are times when Pacino is playing Hoffa, saying things like “I don’t care if those guineas come and get me” and “Don’t Italians name their kids anything but Tony?” that seems silly for one of Hollywood’s most famous Italians to be saying.

If you like history, you’ll love this movie. My only concern is that, you know, no one really knows for sure who killed Hoffa except Hoffa and whoever killed Hoffa. Hoffa obviously can’t tell us and at this late stage, whoever killed Hoffa is probably gone too, whacked by Father Time if his mafia friends and/or rivals didn’t get him (or her I hate to be sexist but it was most likely a him). So it’s an awfully big claim to say that Sheeran killed Hoffa and movies have a tendency to become fact in the minds of the masses and yet how can we ever really know for sure? If he didn’t do it, then this movie is pretty slanderous.

But I suppose we’ll never know for sure what happened and whodunnit unless an unlikely 100 year old witness steps forward with the evidence.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy. I’ll hand it to Pesci, DeNiro and Pacino. They’re twice my age and more active than I’ll ever be.

SIDNOTE: I might have been Hoffa in my past life because it feels like everyone’s purpose in life is to constantly annoys me, I take these annoyances very personally, I tell them to eff off yet the come back anyway, I hate bad manners and also I love ice cream.

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Feb 25 2024
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Movies

Movie Review – Drive-Away Dolls (2024)

Love may be a sleigh ride to hell, 3.5 readers, but this movie is a one-way ticket to crap town.

BQB here with a review and boy did I ever take a bullet so you don’t have to.

How could one half of the legendary Coen Brothers duo let me down? I was on the fence but when I noticed a Coen was involved (Ethan in the director’s chair here sans bro Joel) I figured, why not but now I’m wondering if Joel hasn’t been the brains of the whole operation the entire time and has been dragging Ethan on his back. OK that was probably too harsh but it’s not like anyone other than 3.5 people read this blog anyway.

The plot? It’s 1999 and lesbian BFFS (they’re friends who are lesbians but not lesbians lezzing out together) Jamie (Margaret Qualley) and Marian (Geraldine Viswanathan) embark on a road trip that ends up in a comedy of errors. Jamie is a fast talking, care-free Texan and Qualley’s ability to say funny things with a deep Southern accent may be the film’s only saving grace. Marian is a very straight-laced, uptight office drone who avoids fun but desperately needs some. She decides to visit her aunt for a vacation in Tallahassee and Jamie, fresh off a breakup from her latest lesbian lover (she cheats on her cunnilingus partners often) tags along rather than face the music from her ex, Sukie (Beanie Feldstein).

They snag a drive-away car, which apparently is a thing? I’ve never heard of it before but apparently they arrange to be drivers of a car that needs to be transported to Tallahassee anyway. Alas, there’s a mix-up because the car they pick up contains hot cargo that is wanted by villainous ne’er-do-wells. Don’t ask why gangsters wouldn’t just drive the cargo where it needed to go without involving a drive-away car service to begin with. That one baffled me.

For half the movie, Jamie and Marian tour the countryside, in search of lesbian hijinx, going to make-out parties, looking for meaning in gay bars and smooching other women and what have you. Two inept hit men are hot on their tail but always seem to bungle things up along the way.

To be honest, the whole thing seems like a lot of filler. It struck me as it might have worked as an SNL sketch but somehow they needed to stretch it out to meet a movie length runtime so they added some extra stuff in the middle that goes nowhere. I’ll admit there were a couple of jokes that made me laugh out loud and the last twenty minutes, where the contents of the cargo and the backstory of how it got there is revealed made me chuckle but boy howdy, did they ever make me work for it.

Big criticism 1 – The movie is set in 1999 yet despite occasional 90s references, you’d hardly know it. You’d think since it’s set in the 90s there would be a bangin’ 90s soundtrack but for some odd reason, it utilizes 60s music instead. My first thought was this movie must have been made by young people who don’t know the difference between the 60s and the 90s but it was made by a Coen brother who obviously does. There are some weird psychadelic, groovy type 1960s transition scenes that seem out of place though when you learn about the plot they make a little more sense but even so I just don’t get all the focus on 60s culture in a late 90s movie. Seems like a missed opportunity to capitalize on late 90s nostalgia.

Big criticism 2 – There are flashback scenes where Young Marian, played by a child actor, spies on her nude sunbathing neighbor through a peephole in a fence and I assume the takeaway is this is when Marian first realized she was a lesbian. I know the child actor was probably taped staring through a peephole and never saw a naked woman but I just didn’t like this at all, the idea of a scene where a kid is drooling over a naked adult’s body. Creepy. Weird. Scenes like this just put Hollywood on the path to normalizing pedo behavior if you ask me.

Other than the last 20 minutes, the comedy rests largely on wacky cameos. Dermot Mulroney, Pedro Pascal, Matt Damon, and Miley Cyrus all stop by and the joke seems to be you’ll never believe what this celeb is doing.

STATUS: Not shelf-worthy but I’ll give it credit for serving as a star vehicle for Qualley, the daughter of Andi MacDowell, who will likely go on to do big things in her own right. It’s funny now that I saw her in a leading role in this film, I suddenly recognize her from smaller yet significant roles in films for the past several years.

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Oct 29 2016
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top ten lists

Top Ten Things You Should Never Do in a Horror Movie/Slasher Film

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Imagine it, 3.5 readers.

You’ve been transported into a horror film.

Not just any horror film…a slasher film!

Yes, there’s a murderer on the loose and you and your friends must survive.

Fear not.  I have watched many of these movies and I can fully advise you on what NOT to do:

#10 – Don’t Run Upstairs

Hello dummy. You’re upstairs. Now you’re down to two options – 1) jump out a window and die when you hit the ground or b) be gruesomely murdered.

It’s just common sense, people.

#9 – Don’t Be a Dick

Whoever is the douchiest usually gets it first.  The audience is eased into the concept that characters are going to be murdered by killing off the person who said and/or did something mean first.

I mean, we don’t want to see anyone murdered on screen but if someone has to, it might as well be that bimbo who stole the female lead’s boyfriend or called her a mean name or something.

#8 – Don’t Neglect Regular Car Maintenance

Get your oil changed. Get your routine maintenance. Replace your fan belt and your fluids. Get your engine checked.

Do not drive to that creepy cabin in the woods before a fully qualified mechanic (and I’m talking someone who takes pride in their work and not that lowlife schmuck at the corner gas station) has inspected and tended to your car.

Otherwise, your car will not start and then you’re just stuck there while the killer is bashing in your windshield.

#7 – Don’t Go Into the Basement

Similar to “don’t go upstairs” except when you’re in the basement, there’s not even a window to jump out of.  You’re just stuck in there with the killer, dumb ass.

#6 – Don’t Have Sex

I don’t know why but insane killers always ice people who are humping.  I’m no Dr. Freud, but I can only assume that insane killers don’t get a lot of sex and therefore they get angry and lash out at the people who are fornicating first.

#5 – Don’t Take a Shower

Why the eff are you taking a shower when there’s a killer on the loose? How you smell is the least of your worries and your boobs are only being shown for gratuitous boob footage and then once shown your purpose to the audience has been served and the killer will kill you, most likely while you’re still in the shower for easy clean up.

#4 – Don’t Trip

Get yourself a good pair of boots and watch where you’re going so you don’t stumble on a rock or a stick and break your ankle because then all that leads to is you crying and reaching your hand out for the lead character to come back and rescue you and then the lead character is put into the terrible position of deciding whether to save you or save him/herself and since it looks like you are done for he/she will choose him/herself and keep running only to feel terrible for abandoning you later.

#3 – Don’t Forget to Check Real Estate Records

Never trust a real estate agent.  Do a full, in-depth investigation of the property you are buying, renting, or otherwise visiting.  Search newspapers, county records, talk to the neighbors.

At the very least, get on your iPhone and ask Siri if anyone has been murdered in the house you are buying.

If Siri replies, “Yes, twenty people were murdered in that house, would you like me to do a web search for it?” then don’t buy that house.

#2 – Don’t Split Up

A group of friends that sticks together is a group of friends who can jump a killer and curb stomp him gangster style together.

#1 – Don’t Be Not White

Look, if you read this blog, you know I’m not politically correct at all, but I’ll give the super PC people this one.

Hollywood wants to be diverse so they’ll give the hero a non-white friend so that the studio can be all like, “Hooray we love black people!”

But slasher movies more often than not lead to the hero being the last man/woman standing so sorry but, that black friend is going to buy the farm early in the picture.

So if you are black, I’m not sure how to help you other than maybe do that classic Richard Pryor style nerdy white guy voice and the killer might leave you alone for awhile.

HONORABLE MENTION:

  • Don’t go into that dark, creepy shed filled with tools that can be used to bludgeon yourself.
  • In fact, wherever “there is” listen to all the people in the audience yelling, “Don’t go in there!”
  • If a wise elderly person tells you to do or not do something, then do or don’t do it.
  • Don’t get cheap cell phone service. Go with the company that can give you a full slate of bars even when you’re in the woods.
  • Don’t investigate strange noises on your own. Honestly. Who do you think you are, Rambo? Call the cops before the killer cuts the phone line.
  • Oh right. Don’t be a cop. They always get killed when the hero, who is hiding some where, feels hope because the cop has arrived to investigate but alas, the killer then somehow fools the cop into being killed.
  • Don’t be ugly. You can pretty much judge how long everyone in the group has left to live based on their looks.
  • Don’t tell anyone your touching life story.  That’s usually done to make the audience like you and then feel bad when you get slashed. Keep that shit to yourself.

 

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Jul 05 2016
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Movie Reviews

Movie Review – The Shallows (2016)

A shark takes a bite out of Blake Lively’s phat ass and comes back for more.

BQB here with a review of The Shallows.

SPOILERS.

OK, so the shark doesn’t take a bite out of Blake’s bodacious booty though let’s be honest, could anyone have blamed him? I mean not an actual “bite” bite but still.

Hmm…that joke didn’t land? That’s ok. Nothing new for the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

The set-up? Nancy (Blake), depressed over the loss of her mother to cancer, takes a sojourn from medical school to do some surfing in a shallow cove.

A shark bites her leg and then from thereon it’s about two hours of Blake swimming from rock to rock, trying to think up ways to outfox the finned freak.

I knew very little of this film going into it but it was an enjoyable surprise.  I assume it was low budget and if so, it is an example of a lot being done with very little.  A cove. Special shark effects. A hot, scantily clad chick.

I liked it. And though the Blakester never gets totally nekkid, she’s in a bikini throughout.

Oh wait. I’m not supposed to notice those things.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy and worth a trip to the theater, not just for wide-screened shots of Blake’s badonka donk but also for scary shark attacks!

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Jul 02 2016
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Movie Reviews

Movie Review – The Legend of Tarzan (2016)

Me BQB.

You 3.5 Readers.

Grab a vine and swing your ass on over to my review of The Legend of Tarzan.

Ah-ee-ahh-ee-ahh!

SPOILERS.

I’ve had a hankering to catch this flick ever since the trailers came out. It looks beautiful and it is. The African landscapes, CGI animals, high stakes man vs. gorilla battles – it’s worth putting your butt in a theater seat for two hours.

The film itself suffers from schizophrenia. The Hollywood suits apparently decided that a straight up origin story would be a no go and God bless them, because just as I don’t need to see Bruce Wayne’s parents shot for the 1000th time, I don’t need an in-depth film about Tarzan’s backstory either.

Though it isn’t as well known, we get the gist. British family is shipwrecked off the coast of Africa.  Young boy is raised by gorillas and becomes Tarzan, King of the Jungle.

(Millennials, I know you’re all rushing to your social media to declare that this movie is evidence that Harambe didn’t need to be shot and that if left to his own devices, he would have raised that kid that fell into his enclosure to become a mighty warrior.  Stop. Just stop. Stop embarrassing yourselves.)

Anyway, the story begins with Lord Clayton (formerly known as Tarzan) at a time where he has returned to England and accepted his noble title and all the wealth and honors that come with it. He’s played by Alexander Skarsgard so all you ladies who enjoyed watching him take his shirt off in True Blood, here’s your chance to get a taste of what you’ve been missing.

He’s married to Jane, played by Margot Robbie.  Robbie actually does some bonafide, legitimate acting in this movie which depresses me because the more her career takes off, the less likely I’ll see her jumblies on screen ala Wolf of Wall Street ever again.

Bah, it’s the same old song and dance. At first, all the actresses are tripping over themselves to show the world their good and plenties and then once they get a little fame the goodies go on lockdown forever.

The short version – Clayton and Jane are lured to the Congo under the pretenses of a diplomatic mission.  American diplomat George Washington Williams (Samuel L. Jackson) joins them and mostly serves to be that guy the audience can relate to. He can’t believe that Tarzan can do half the shit he does and neither can we.

Alas, the villain, Leon Rom (Christoph Waltz branching out from playing evil Germans to play an evil Belgian this go around) has other plans.

The aforementioned schizophrenia comes in because while the film is about Tarzan’s return to the jungle, it’s a big ass flashback fest, where we’re treated to recurring glimpses of the past that led Tarzan to the path he’s on now.

Lots of action.  Visually pleasing. Really, you have nothing better to do this weekend. If you’re reading this blog you need to get out more so start by going to see this.

Or stay in and rent Wolf of Wall Street because to the world’s collective chagrin, Margot’s days of going buff on film are over.

It really is a shame the effect that fame has on photogenic jumblies.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

 

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Jun 13 2016
4 Comments
Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Now You See Me 2

Abracadabra!

Hollywood just made two hours of my life disappear.

If you don’t want SPOILERS to appear, look away.

BQB here with a review of Now You See Me 2.

Some critics made fun of it but I actually liked the first Now You See Me.

Sure, the plot, the “magic” and everything that happened in the movie was highly unlikely…but in a time of rebooted reboots of sequels to reboots, IT WAS *GASP* AN ORIGINAL IDEA!

If you missed the first one, check it out. Basically, a group of magicians (the Vegas performer kind of magicians, not to be confused with pointy hat wearing wizards) called “the Four Horsemen” use their magic skills in Robin Hood style, robbing from a corrupt/rich insurance company tycoon played by Michael Caine and giving to the poor.

So I was up for a second one and…meh.

Yeah. I’m sorry but “meh.”

Razzle dazzle was the original’s hook.  The magic shows/tricks were fun to watch and in your mind you try to figure out how the performers did it. Plus, they convinced me that Michael Caine’s character was douche-tastic enough to deserve to be robbed.

But in the sequel, they kind of just went back to the same well. Michael Caine is still the villain, but this time his son, played by Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame, does most of his dirty work.

I don’t want to be part of the “let’s all typecast Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter so he never gets another acting job again” movement. I realize he’s been in other movies since Harry Potter.

This is the only one I have seen and in my opinion, he did well in the role.  Of course, the role was of a British nerd, so yeah, Daniel did just fine.

That’s not a dig on British nerds. We love you, nerds across the pond.

I have a complaint about an issue that I wish I knew more about.

Isla Fisher played the female horseman or “horse woman” in the original and she didn’t return for the sequel.

I don’t know why and wasn’t able to find any info on it.  I don’t know if it was a case where she didn’t want to return, the studio decided to not have her return or what have you.

Lizzy Caplan joins the group as the new female horsewoman.

She’s very funny and in many ways, the star of the show, but it does send a message that females are interchangeable in movies.

It happens a lot in big ensemble movies like this one.  All the dudes return but for whatever reason, they just swap out one hot chick for another hot chick.

The movie suffers from crammage – too much going on packed in to two hours and not enough time to address it all.

Mark Ruffalo returns as an FBI agent/magician (which continues to be an unlikely pairing of abilities). Magic debunker Thaddeus Bradley (Morgan Freeman) continues to be a pebble in the Horsemen’s shoe (magic debunker continues to be a unlikely career occupation, IMO).

Really. Who wants to be a magic debunker? Talk about pooping in the punch bowl.

Still, there are some great scenes. In particular, there’s a card throwing scene in which…well, I’ll just let you watch it. I enjoyed that part enough to be left with the feeling that the movie wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Maybe just 97% of a waste of my time.

Woody Harrelson was also pretty funny playing his character from the first film as well as that character’s obnoxiously evil twin brother. It’s the first time I have ever seen a movie in which Woody Harrelson made a conscious effort to become someone other than Woody Harrelson.

I also liked the exotic locations. Macau, China (the Vegas of China), London – lots of globe trotting. Made me want to do some traveling myself.

Among my many complaints, the top one has to be that they really should have come up with another villain/plot other than, “Damn it! Michael Caine’s up to no good again!”

If they do go with another sequel to make a trilogy, they have got to come up with another villain.

Do you need to rush out to the theater to see it?

No.

Is it worth a rental?

Yes.

But if there’s going to be a Now You See Me 3, they really need to up their game.

STATUS: Meh. Not shelf-worthy but not quite toilet worthy.

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Jun 12 2016
1 Comment
Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Warcraft (2016)

By: Special Guest Video Game Movie Reviewer Video Game Rack Fighter.

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Ms. Fighter – Currently in Training to Defend Her Title in the Upcoming 2016 Car Thief Mayhem World Championship Competition

It’s here! It’s finally here!

The long awaited film based on an online multi-player game is here.

Did it suffer the “video game movies suck curse?”

Read on to find out but beware SPOILERS.

VGRF here with a review of Warcraft.

Movieclips Trailers – Warcraft

Warcraft.  The online game in which humans can choose to be a variety of fantasy characters and fight for virtual power and gold has been around forever, or at least 1996.

That’s right millennials. Some of us were nerding it up before you were born and even before it became chic to declare yourself a nerd.

And now there’s a movie.  It broke the box office in China, bringing in over $145 million this weekend just in that country.  The Chinese love their Warcraft.

Kind of makes me wish I could go back in time and start my own video game company that allows people to pretend to be wizards, warriors, elves, orcs or what have you.

Speaking of orcs, let’s talk about the movie.

Orcs. Long considered the perpetually raging, possibly misunderstood buttholes of the fantasy realm, they’ve destroyed their world and rather than seek to mend their evil orcish ways, they cross through a porthole into the human realm of Azeroth and start conquering and pillaging and generally orcing shit up in true orc fashion.

Hmm. Maybe the Azerothians need to build a wall and make the Orcs pay for it?

Huh? Huh? Crickets. Hmm. Blame BQB. That joke was his idea.

Moving on. Naturally, the humans aren’t going to stand for all this orcish tomfoolery.  From thereon, it’s difficult to figure out who’s who and what’s what because all the human dudes are basically a bunch of long haired hipster beardos who all look alike.

But, if you make an effort to get past that, you’ll see Dominic Cooper as the King Wrynn, Travis Fimmel as Commander Lothar, and Ben Foster as Medivh the Guardian.

I don’t want to give too much away, but suffice to say hi jinx ensue when one orc clan leader has second thoughts about all the evil orcishness and seeks to ally himself with the humans.

Paula Patton plays Garona, the half-human/half-orc and the only one who could possibly bring peace between humans and orcs.

Yeesh. So I assume her father was an orc and her mother was a human.  Her poor, poor mother. She probably didn’t walk right for a year after that.

Crickets? Another joke suggestion from BQB.  Unless you laughed. Then it was all mine.

Ultimately, I don’t think this movie suffers from the “all video game movies suck” curse.

An actual effort was made to develop characters, a plot, a storyline. I won’t spoil the ending but it is obvious that further sequels are in the works.

If you aren’t a nerd or you dislike the fantasy genre, you probably won’t enjoy it.

It is more in line with the traditional fantasy genre style.  Nerds in robes – wizards, elves, dwarves, everyone geeking it up and expecting a nerd audience who knows what all this nerd shit means.

As I watched it, it dawned on me that George RR Martin was able to get a wide, diverse audience into his Song of Ice and Fire (aka Game of Thrones) series because he was able to take so many relatable human problems and insert them into a fantasy world.

But for Warcraft, you’re going to have to be a nerd to enjoy it.

Luckily for you, if you are reading this blog, you already are one.

Visually stunning. Worth to see it on the big screen.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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