I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler but for some reason, I review movies and rarely review books anymore.
Oh well. We all have our idiosyncrasies. Had I know what I was going to do on this blog when I started, would have called myself, “Moviescreen J. Watcher.”
But that would have been ridiculous.
In the spirit of, “Everybody Gets a Trophy Day,” I’m going to give every film I reviewed in 2016 an award of some sort, so enjoy.
Hey 3.5 readers.
So, as a good nerd, I’ll wait a few days until you all get a chance to see it although honestly, if you wait past the first weekend then you are not a nerd.
My quick impression is that this movie is tight and legit. A bit darker and grittier than we are used to seeing in Star Wars though still family friendly because, you know, Disney.
In my opinion, it’s better than the prequels and last year’s The Force Awakens.
I particular enjoyed the sassy android and Darth Vader, well, I won’t spoil it.
Damn it. The baby boomers got the original movies. Millennials get this fine film. What did Generation X get? Jar Jar Binks! Generation X screwed again!
Seriously though, go see it on the big screen. You won’t be disappointed.
May the force be with all 3.5 of you.
Humans and Transformers are at war and Mark Wahlberg and Anthony Hopkins are involved.
Also, Optimus Prime may have become a douche-bot.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Jump in your ride and crank up the rap music, 3.5 readers.
It’s time to check out the new Fate of the Furious trailer.
I have literally lost track of how many of these films have been made now.
They began in the early 2000s but were ahead of their time. They needed CGI to catch up with them, not to mention a little sprinkling of The Rock’s film franchise resurrection powers.
Fast Five, where they took the show down to Rio, will always be my favorite, mainly because it was the one where it was like, “Hey after four movies I think we figured out a winning formula!”
Anyway, you’ve got the fast cars, the non-stop rap songs, the fight scenes, the gratuitous booty…it’s all a young man’s wet dream or, if you’re like me and refuse to grow old in spirit (because my body’s agreed to get old) then you love them too.
It looks like Dom betrays his team of early 2000s rappers and works with Charlize Theron, who is hotter than ever. I assume we’ll get some sort of explanation.
I dunno. These films are fun to bust on but you know you’ll all be there front row with popcorn in hand. I know I will.
Hey 3.5 Scruffy Looking Nerf Herders.
Your old pal BQB Solo here.
Just an informal poll, who is looking forward to the new Star Wars movie this Friday?
As nerds, what needs to be in the film to make you happy?
Hey 3.5 readers.
I’ve seen this movie a million times since childhood and happened to watch it again recently. It’s funny how the older your get, the more things you notice.
Thus, without further ado, and I have to do this quick before the Yeti finds out, it’s my Top Ten Observations About A Christmas Story (1983).
#10 – Life is Hard
Yeah, obvious, but still, I notice this more as an adult than I did as a kid. As a kid I just thought Ralphie’s father was an old grumpy bastard. Now I know why he’s old and grumpy. You work all day and then come home to a house where shit breaks every five minutes and you have to spend all your free time fixing it because if you can’t then you have to shell out some of that money you worked so hard for. No wonder the old man swears so much. Consarn it rabbin blast it!
#9 – Baby Boomers Love Cowboys
Cowboys to baby boomers are what Transformers/GI Joe were to Generation X and Avengers and Spongebob Squarepants and Complaining About Literally Everything were/are to Millennials. Ralphie was a little baby boomer kid. He grew up watching cowboy movies. He wants to get a Red Ryder BB gun so he can pretend to be a cowboy. Shooting his eye out is not a concern, though it really should be. Which brings us to…
#8 – Parents Coddle More
May be a good thing in some instances and not so good in other cases. Honestly, I have no idea a parent could give a BB gun to a kid and not suddenly worry about, well yes, not just the kid shooting his eye out but also the ensuing hospital bills and having to take care of the kid when he is an adult because his employment prospects will be limited due to his one eye. Also – lawsuits and shit in the event Ralphie shoots some other kid in the eye. Back in the old days, Ralphie’s father could have just settled up with another injured kid’s father with either fisticuffs or cash on the barrel head but now the lawyers ruin everything. Thanks lawyers.
#7 – Poor Flick
Flick gets his tongue stuck to the flag pole. (Never lick a flag pole, especially during the winter, but seriously, there’s no reason for you to lick a flag pole at any time of the year, weirdo).
As soon as the firemen and cops get Flick unstuck, he immediately returns to class with a bandaged up tongue.
Today, the kid would be out of school at least a month in order to go on all the TV shows that would want to interview him on account of his story as the flag pole licker going viral on social media. Surely a Kickstarter would be started to pay for his tongue repair bills.
He’d be branded for life as the flag pole licker but at least he’d get to host SNL or throw out the first pitch at a baseball game or something.
#6 – Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring
Do orphans even exist now? Annie would be like “Little Foster Child Annie” or something. But yes, I sympathize with Ralphie when he drinks a shit ton of Ovaltine just to win a decoder ring that allows him to decode a message that urges him to “drink more Ovaltine.”
In short, Madison Avenue has been hoodwinking kids with advertising gimmicks for years.
Also, Ovaltine isn’t bad. You can still find it in stores. It’s just chocolate milk mix with vitamins in it and shit. Delicious.
#5 – Kids Choke Up When They See Santa
You see it in the Santa scene but it happens in real life too. The kid waits and waits and waits in line to see Santa and then when he gets up there on Santa’s lap, he starts crying then chokes worse than the Cleveland Indians.
What? Too soon? My bad.
Kudos to Ralphie for at least having the guts to climb back up the slide and demand his Red Ryder.
#4 – Having a Sibling is a Pain in the Ass
In some ways, having a sibling is a good thing. Your sibling is your introduction to the concept that the world doesn’t revolve around you and that someone will always be there to criticize you and complain about you and take shit from you no matter what you do.
Don’t like that your brother stole your toy, ate the last cookie, or changed the TV channel? Good luck when you grow up and your boss wants to downsize your department, your company wants to lay you off and your wife wants to see other people but still wants to keep seeing your bank account.
#3 – Bullies Are Also a Pain in the Ass
Scott Farkus is a dick. And while he probably deserved a slap, he is just a kid himself and didn’t really deserve an epic beat down. Ralphie lost his cool. When he gets his senses back, he realizes he should have just walked away and feels bad. Hooray. Ralphie learns from his mistakes and won’t grow up to become a serial killer now that he knows right from wrong.
#2 – Siblings Stick By You
Yes, they are pains in the ass. Yes, Randy laughs at Ralphie’s failures. But, when the chips are down, Randy hides in the cupboard and cries because he is certain his dear brother will meet his demise when his father hears about the big fight. That’s love.
#1 – Things Aren’t Always Bad As They Seem
Ralphie cries all afternoon, certain his father will go off on him when he learns about the fight. Luckily, Ralphie’s mother knows just how to handle Ralphie’s father. She mentions it in passing as if it is no big deal and as part of a whole series of subjects, then quickly switches the subject to a story about a football game in the paper. Thus, she’s told her husband so he can’t complain about not knowing about it later. However, the old man is tired and his mind can only handle so many subjects, so he sees his wife doesn’t seem to be too worried and Ralphie is still alive so he doesn’t care and returns to his paper.
Adults have too much adult shit to worry about, kids.
Hey 3.5.
BQB here, still posting behind the Yeti’s back. Shh! Don’t tell him.
The trailer for Spiderman: Homecoming is out and it looks like the best Spiderman movie in awhile.
The first two Tobey Maguire movies in the early 2000s were great then they hit a wall with the third one. Emo Spiderman. Blah.
The most recent two were fine but didn’t really knock my socks off.
Here, it looks like they’ve come up with a great idea, setting Spiderman in the world of the Avengers and making Tony Stark his mentor. It makes sense. Tony is a scientist. Peter is a wannabe scientist.
We don’t need need to see yet another origin story where Peter is bitten by the radioactive spider and he doesn’t stop the robber and the robber shoots Uncle Ben so from then on Spiderman pledges to never let anyone down again and so on.
We’ve got it.
Yet, while we don’t need an origin story, we do need an explanation as to what this current incarnation of a character is all about. That’s why the latest DC movies have been struggling.
No, we don’t need another movie about young Bruce Wayne seeing his parents getting shot (shot parents/guardians create so many super heroes).
But yes, we could have used a movie to explain what this version of Batman is all about.
If you missed, SPOILER ALERT – in the latest Captain America film, we were given an introduction to Spider Man. It was good. It was all we needed. Now we know what makes this current version of Spidey tick. Now he can hit the ground running in his own movie without any need for devoting half the film to the spider bite and the Uncle Ben sadness.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Holy Crap, 3.5 readers.
Once in awhile a nerd blogger gets to discover something that is under the radar and share it with his 3.5 readers so that they too may take part in the joy.
And my new joy is…Ip Man!!!
Put on some loose clothing and start practicing your sweet kung fu moves, because BQB is here with a review of the Ip Man movie series.
OBLIGATORY SPOILER ALERT
I’ve seen this movie on Netflix for years and like many films, I just shrugged my shoulders and went, “Meh.” Due to my lack of understanding of the Chinese language, I assumed “Ip Man” was some kind of superhero. I thought the title was “IP man” as if he saves artists from the infringement of their intellectual property or something but no. I was wrong.
I’ve long been a fan of martial arts movies so I finally got around to giving this one a try and wow.
These films are based on the life of Ip Man (in English his last name is Ip and his first name is Man) the legendary Master of Wing Chun Kung Fu. Wing Chun, as I’ve learned through the power of Google, is a style that relies on defense and is especially effective in close quarter combat. Also, it was invented by a woman, so there you go, ladies.
In reality, “Master Ip” is considered one of the great practitioners of Wing Chun, having done a great deal to promote it, including teaching it to his most well-known student, Bruce Lee.
The films are produced out of Hong Kong and have English subtitles, but otherwise they feature the special effects, moves and sound of any Hollywood blockbuster. I’m no historian but I do assume some “liberties” are taken with the history of Master Ip’s life as he does things that no human could probably do but that’s ok. Movies do that with historical figures all the time.
Ip Man 1 (2008) begins with a young Master Ip (Donnie Yen) who lives an affluent life in fo Shan, a place that is prosperous, allowing the residents to pursue martial arts in their spare time.
Alas, World War II breaks out and the Japanese attack and take over. Master Ip and his family and friends are left to live lousy, destitute lives filled with hunger and fear.
People are so hungry that they are willing to take rice in exchange for becoming a Japanese general’s punching bags as he practices karate. Master Ip gets his chance to avenge fo Shan, but must choose between practicality and letting the general win or honor and beating his ass.
In Ip Man 2 (2010), Master Ip and family move to Hong Kong, where the master opens up a Wing Chun school. He scraps with local kung fu masters who feel he must prove his worthiness before joining them in opposing a Western British boxer who insults them and kills one of their beloved masters.
Finally, I haven’t seen Ip Man 3 (2015) yet. Based on the above preview, Ip Man fights Mike Tyson. I’m a little confused by that. I assume Mike Tyson plays a historical character or something. I don’t think Master Ip gets in a time machine to fight Mike in the present.
I’ll have to watch it and get back to you. Often, kung fu films are high on action and low in plot, but the first two films break that trend. So I’m hoping an awesome story that involves Mike Tyson is worked in.
Even if it isn’t, I could over look it as honestly, the Ip vs Mike scene does look pretty awesome.
Donnie Yen, the actor/martial artist who plays Master Ip deserves a lot of props. In true kung fu style, he is stoic and focused, never looking for a fight but ending it once it starts. He comes across as someone who is reflective and studied, who uses martial arts as a manner of being disciplined, but isn’t one to let atrocity go unchecked.
They’re great films. The only thing I’d note is apparently a number of studios, seeing this series’ success, have created their own Ip Man films. I haven’t seen them so they may be fine, but be sure to watch the Donnie Yen films first.
Donnie Yen really needs to come to America and kick some ass in Hollywood. He’s got the moves and the fight scenes (which are not skimped on and come practically every few minutes) are brilliant, breathtaking and a fun spectacle to watch. He does this thing where he gets his opponent locked down, then delivers a hail of rapid fire punches, something I’ve never seen in a movie before.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Available on Netflix. My nerd style is far superior to your geek style.
Here’s looking at you, 3.5 readers.
I watched Casablanca a year ago with the intention of reviewing it for this glorious blog. I’d seen it before but my mind needed a refresher. Alas, as Rick and Ilsa’s song reminds us, “time goes by” and writing a review of this masterpiece slipped my mind.
Luckily, seeing Allied gave me a refresher.
So without further ado, BQB here with a review of Casablanca.
Do I need to give a spoiler warning? You’ve had over seventy years to watch this flick.
And if you haven’t watched it yet, you should, because it holds up.
(In all seriousness, this is a review for people who have seen and loved the film. If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading, go watch it, then come back here. Otherwise, you’ll be disappointed).
The set-up? At one time, Morocco had been (owned, occupied, colonized, swiped, insert the word here) by France. When Nazi forces swept into France in World War II, Frenchmen had to choose between surrender and fighting through underground guerrilla warfare (the French resistance).
Those who chose the former became known as the Vichy government. Nazis officials flooded into France and backseat drove the French officials who opted not to fight.
To make matters more complicated, the situation extended into Morocco, where Nazis backseat drove the Vichy French officials there, sort of a double-occupation where French occupiers were being bossed around by their own German occupiers.
What a revolting development.
As explained in the film early on, Morocco was a den of thieves, villains, cut throats and spies. Moreover, Europeans made a pilgrimage to the African city in the hopes of escaping the war by securing passage to Portugal (and then to other less dangerous places in the world like America).
Against this backdrop of sin and inequity, the hard drinking, clinically cynical American expatriate Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) runs a nightclub filled with all manner of depravity. Rick’s got a seedy past that isn’t fully explained but you’re left with the impression that he isn’t exactly welcome in the States anymore.
When Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) left him waiting at a train station in France years earlier, Rick’s heart turned to stone and he swore from then on he’d live a life where he’d only look out for number one – i.e. himself.
But that resolution is tested when Ilsa enter’s Rick’s club. “Of all the gin joints in all the world, why did she have to walk into mine?”
Without giving away too much of the story, Ilsa is now with Victor Laszlo (Paul Henried), a famed leader of the anti-Nazi movement. Whereas Rick has long given up on idealism for quick bucks, Laszlo leaves and breathes French patriotism and is willing to die for it.
Blah, blah, blah, stuff happens and ultimately Rick must choose between seizing a love he thought was lost to him forever or sacrificing himself for the greater good of defeating the Nazis.
SPOILER ALERT – he chooses defeating the Nazis. Surely, you knew this by now unless you have been living under a rock for years.
Even though you already know it, it is very emotional to watch.
In the end, the greater good wins out over love and it is up to the audience to decide whether or not that was the right outcome.
If you are an idealist, then you cheer Rick on as he allows Victor to take his seat on a Portugal bound plane.
If you are a cynic, then you think Rick is a schmuck for not grabbing his woman and not letting go, as a woman you love who loves you back is a rarity in this life.
But ultimately, if you are an idealist, you realize the people who need to be together, end up together.
Laszlo and Ilsa, we can only assume, go on to continue their anti-Nazi fight once Victor is away from the clutches of the villainous Major Strasser (Conrad Veidt).
As for Rick, his “beautiful friendship” with Captain Louis Renault (Claude Raines) begins.
Raines steals the show as Renault as he puts on full display the difficult situation many Frenchmen found themselves in during this time. Louis is no fan of the Nazis, but he is a fan of breathing and having a job so like a henpecked husband he caters to his German masters, but does so in a comic manner.
Rick and Louis are foils that feed off one another. Rick’s cynicism is dark and brooding whereas Louis’ cynicism is, at times, downright funny. Louis realizes he is stuck in a ridiculous situation but with a deadpan tone that belies an undercurrent of sarcasm, he does what is required of him.
Example – when the Nazis order Louis to shut down Rick’s joint, Louis does so and declares, “I am shocked to find gambling in this establishment!”
Then with perfect comedic timing, a dealer hands Louis a stack of cash and says, “Your winnings, sir” to which Louis replies, “Thank you.”
That scene has served as a criticism of politicians and public officials who act “shocked” by lousy situations when in reality, they have long known of them.
Thus, the greater good wins. Rick and Ilsa would have been happier together, but the world needed Victor and Ilsa to continue their resistance efforts, just as the world needed Rick and Louis, a couple of jaded, cynical connivers to get together and use their underhanded skills to undermine the Nazis at every turn.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Get out of your comfort zone and watch a black and white movie. You’ll be glad you did.
You must remember this, a yeti I did kiss…but it was against my will!
But I won’t bore you with the behind the scenes hullabaloo of being a Yeti hostage.
France! Morocco! Ooo la la! BQB here with a review of Hollywood’s first Oscar bait movie of the season, Allied.
OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.
In early 1940s French Morocco, Canadian spy Max Vatan (Brad Pitt) meets French lady spy Marianne Beauséjour (Marion Cotillard). The duo become immersed in a whirlwind romance as they hunt Nazis together and bone in a gratuitous manner.
Alas, when they marry and head off to England, Max’s superiors begin to suspect Marianne of pulling double-duty as a spy for the Nazis. Thus, Max is charged with the unenviable task of sniffing out the truth.
Fans of the Golden Age of Hollywood will be very impressed with this film. With the French Morocco scenes, its almost as if we are treated to a visit to the Casablanca of Bogart’s time, except in this go-around we get to see it in full color, high definition and with more special effects, flying bullets and assorted war mayhem.
Yes, there is room for an argument that Casablanca was all the better off for not having all the bells and whistles of a modern film as such trivialities might have spoiled that classic. And certainly this movie does not surpass the Bogie/Bergman picture that most movie critics agree is one of (if not the best) films ever produced, but it did make me yearn for a time when a man would wear a suit and a fedora just to get a cup of coffee.
Brad Pitt is every bit a classic style movie star in a time when thought provoking films are being more and more replaced with flicks revolving around costumed super heroes (not that I’m complaining as I love those films as well but I wonder why there isn’t room for both.)
Moreover, Pitt is truly one of the best preserved fifty-something year olds I have ever seen.
Meanwhile if Pitt is Bogie, then the Bergman of this film is Cotillard. After years of being the go-to French actress in films that call for a French character, she has been rewarded handsomely with this role.
Overall, the film is visually pleasing with a plot that keeps you munching popcorn. It will face some stiff competition come Oscar time, but gold statues (or at least nominations) for Pitt, Cotillard and Director Robert Zemeckis would not surprise me.
STATUS: Play it again, Sam. Shelf-worthy and worth a trip to the theater. Good date film. Dudes, take your lady because it is so emotional that you might get a little smooch-a-roo-ski out of this.
Bookshelf Battle 