Category Archives: Uncategorized

Bookshelf Battle Cast Episode 003 – How to Start a Blog

Bookshelf Q. Battler is changing up the format of his podcast, and that’s ok, because only 3.5 people listen to this podcast anyway.  BQB wants to share with the world what he has learned in four years of being the owner and proprietor of bookshelfbattle.com, a site that coincidentally, is only ever viewed by 3.5 readers.

Picking a blogging idea, snappy title, company to work with, search engine optimization, attracting followers, promotion on social media, legal stuff like worrying about copyright, libel, where to get photos and art for your site and more.

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My Oscar Observations

Quickly, because I’m a busy nerd this morning:

#1 – I tuned in and out but in general I haven’t heard anything too controversial about the ceremony itself but I might be wrong.  Let me know if there was anything.  Generally speaking, all these wealthy, powerful people who could have drummed the sexual harassment out of the business decades ago but did nothing and now they’re all like “Hooray for #timesup and #metoo” is a little sickening.  Better late than never?  Maybe.  But they could have done better years ago.

#2 – Shape of Water winning gives me mixed feelings.  As a nerd, I think it’s great that a scifi movie won and I don’t think people realize this was sci-fi…and a bit of a dark comedy melded into a love story.  Take away the French music and it could have been a kooky episode of the X-Files.  This will be the year the gold went to a movie about a lady who fucks a fish.

#3 – Ugly actors are snubbed again.

#4 – Frances McDormand’s laugh will haunt my nightmares, though I know she meant well.

#5 – Three Billboards was the stronger film.  “You don’t get to do bad things to others just because something bad happened to you” is a message the world needs.

#6 – I admit, I have never seen “Call Me By Your Name” but just reading the plot makes me nauseous and no, not because it’s about gay love.  To each their own.  It’s ironic that in the year Hollywood is vowing to erase sexual harassment from the workplace, a movie about an older man who statutorily rapes his employer’s underage son is getting so much Oscar recognition.  I realize there are a lot of people who think this movie is great and is all for gay empowerment and that’s fine, but if that’s the case, then just make both characters of legal, consenting age.  Rape = sex without consent and minors, by law, do not have the mental capacity to give consent to sex because they are deemed incapable of understanding the consequences.  Thus, laws are on the books to dissuade older people from preying on the young.  If you are older, you are expected to know better and will go to jail if you don’t.

If you think I’m being a fuddy duddy, imagine the plot is tweaked.  An older male has sex with the underage daughter of his employer…you’d want whoever made that movie run out of Hollywood on a rail and their career ruined, right?  So, let’s just all agree that underage boys and girls need legal protection against older predators and movies shouldn’t be made that glorify older people who perv on the young.

 

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East Randomtown has lost power!

East Randomtown is facing disaster 3.5 readers. The power went out and this has led to all kinds of hullabaloo. The zombies have escaped from my zombie and research center which makes me rethink having a zombie research center.

Also my yeti holding tank is on the fritz. The yet will be on the loose soon.

I will be limited in my ability to post. I know it will be hard d but please learn to live without me.

Hello 3.5 readers

All posts can’t be winners

The Fourth Anniversary of this Fine Blog (And Why It’s Harder as My Alter Ego Approaches 40)

Hard to believe I began this blog four years ago, 3.5 readers.  Gotta be honest, I thought there’d be more than 3.5 of you by now.  All you extra readers sure are taking your sweet time.

As you are aware, I am BQB, an ageless, allegedly fictional character with an endless reserve of energy to fight bad guys and commit impressive acts of daring do.

Yet oddly, my ability to continue my adventures is inexplicably tied to a fat old fuck’s ability to find the time and/or will to sit his fat ass on the computer and type away.  I call this guy, “The Alleged Man” or the man who allegedly pretends to me, if you believe the absurd premise that I am allegedly fictional.

Alleged Man is getting tired.  Worn out.  Maybe he’ll come on here someday and tell you about it, but suffice to say, in his 20s, Alleged Man made some terrible mistakes, botched some opportunities, and overall fucked up his life.

Then, quite sadly, he spent his 30s trying to dig himself out of the hole he’d tossed himself into.

That’s the rub of digging yourself out of a hole.  You can’t dig up, so you have to just dig and dig and dig until you come out the other side in China.  Really, it’s better to just never jump into the hole but instead, side step it altogether.

But alas, when he was young the Alleged Man basically said, “Wow! What a spiffy looking hole!  In I go!”  and upon turning 30 he realized what he’d done and went to work on trying to fix it.

Alas, anyone will tell you that whether it’s a life or an appliance, it’s best to never break it in the first place.  You can fix a broken life or an appliance, but it will never be as strong.  It will always be stitched together with duct tape and you’ll always be sad when you think about how it used to be shiny and new and not broken.

This blog was an attempt to increase the hole digging in the hopes he’d break through to China sooner.  At times, it has brought him joy.  At other times, sadness.

Frankly, he wonders if he shouldn’t just put his shovel down and accept life in the hole.  When he was young, he thought there was unlimited time to achieve his dreams.  Now that he’s old, he realizes that we all seem to peak at 35 and if it hasn’t happened by then, it never will.

Alleged Man is 39 now.  He is fat and ugly.  He has no kids and that’s sad as he really wanted them.  He’s full of knowledge of where he went wrong and how he could redeem himself but alas, it’s hard because the world just sees over 35 people as old and washed up.

Perhaps you might have noticed the “loser seeking redemption” motif in the stories he helps me write:

  • Marshall Slade in “How the West Was Zombed” was too cowardly to fight the desperado who killed his mother and spends his life fighting every other bad guy.
  • Chief Cole Walker in “Toilet Gator” thinks he made a mistake by getting his leg chomped off by a vicious dog, going into a crack house to save the day only to realize being the hero has its negative results.  He’ll confront his past by fighting one last killer animal – the toilet gator.
  • Junjie in Zom Fu failed to save his master from Dragonhand and now works to defeat the vile brain biter.
  • Jake Dashing, private 1950s detective, feels out of place and wants to fit in, wants to find love and normalcy after a life of crap.
  • Mack in Zomcation failed his military unit and wants another chance to fight again.
  • Frank in Last Driver misses driving and wants to drive again.

In short, when we are young, we are called upon to make a slew of decisions we are too dumb to make, then we spend our older years full of regret, full of the knowledge of what we should do, but our hair is too gray for anyone to take us seriously.

So, I have to run.  AM is trying his best, but honestly, if this whole enterprise doesn’t take off in a year or two, he might just pitch a tent in the hole and grow accustomed to hole living.  Maybe the hole isn’t so bad.  Some people would love to have a hole.  It could always be worse.

Take care, 3.5

 

Have a Nice Day 3.5 Readers

That is all for today.

I Can’t Think of Anything to Blog About

So tell me what you’re up to, 3.5 readers.

Top Ten Reasons to Fart

#10 – You have to or you’ll die. Who wants “death by fart” in their obituary ?

#9 – It’s fun.

#8 – Someone has to.

#7 – The right fart can rip a hole in the space-time continuum.

#6 – You can blame it on your dog.

#5 – It’d be weird if you didn’t.

#4 – With enough practice you can fart show tunes.

#3 – You’ll explode if you hold your farts in.

#2 – No one has never not farted.

#1 – Even the Queen ofEngland farts.

Schools Need Security Guards

Hey 3.5 readers.

I know.  I always say I don’t get political on this fine blog.  And for the most part, I don’t.  When I do, it’s in the name of humor, and I think if you look at my track record, you’ll find that I harangue both sides equally.  If you can’t find humor everywhere, then there’s a glitch in your soul and you need to troubleshoot that immediately.  Try clicking your inner “CTRL + ALT + DELETE” and then remove your faulty program from your task manager.

I’m happy to hear a debate about how there are too many guns, that guns should be restricted more, harder to get, etc. etc.

However, and get mad at me if you want, but I think schools need security guards.  Schools vary in size, but every small town school should have at least one and bigger schools with bigger problems should have several.

I wish it weren’t the case.  Take away the school shooting issue for a moment.

When I was a kid in the 1990s when Bill Clinton was chasing interns around his desk with his pants around his ankles instead of chasing down Osama Bin Laden, I recall many a time when I’d be walking down the hall only to see a fight break out.  Teachers would run to break it up.  They’d get involved, pull the kids off each other, etc.

Teachers really shouldn’t have to do that.  If your goal in life is to master a subject and educate students on that subject, then teaching should be your job and you shouldn’t have to risk bodily injury to yourself by having to break up an altercation.

Talk to teachers from all over and I’ll bet there are many with stories about how they were injured while breaking up a fist fight.  I would imagine some teachers even get sued.

Keep in mind too that teachers aren’t security professionals.  Security guards who are properly trained learn various tactics to use to grab an out of control person safely without, say, accidentally injuring the person by applying too much pressure to a part of the body and damaging a vital organ or something.

I’m not saying that cops and/or guards are 100 percent safe and that they don’t make mistakes, but me personally, if I had a kid and that kid got into a fight, I think I would honestly rather have a security guard who has at least taken a class on how to break up a fight restrain my kid rather than Mr. Smith, the guy who really liked math and became a math teacher.

Not knocking teachers.  Teachers teach.  And teachers should be in charge of general discipline.  Guards shouldn’t be passing out detentions for not doing homework or arresting kids for talking in class.  However, when two students get in a fight, the teacher should have a little button he can beep to call in a trained person with an official looking uniform to break it up.

I’m sorry, but Mrs. Jones, art teacher, shouldn’t have to risk getting cold cocked in the face because you think guards in schools might make kids feel bad.

OK.  Bring back the school shooting issue.  Would tougher gun laws have stopped this shooting?  I don’t know.  Honestly, the only law that would maybe put a dent in school shootings would be a repeal of the second amendment and that isn’t happening.

This is how the post-school shooting debate usually goes:

DEMOCRATS:  Republicans are monsters who care more about guns than kids!

REPUBLICANS: Everyone needs more guns so when shooters start shooting they can shoot the shooter.

DEMOCRATS:  We need more gun control!

REPUBLICANS:  Name the law you want to pass.

DEMOCRATS:  Umm..ungh…

REPUBLICANS:  Just vocalize a proposal.  What do you want to happen that you think will make school shootings stop?

DEMOCRATS:  Umm…ungh…you’re monsters!  Monsters who care more about guns than kids!

REPUBLICANS:  Y’all want to repeal the second amendment don’t you?

DEMOCRATS:  :::look around to make sure no one’s watching, then they whisper::: Holy shit, no!  Are you trying to get me thrown out of office?!  Jesus, just let me bang my fist on the podium and call you a monster for the next five days and then I can go back to not proposing anything.

Anyway.  Confiscate all guns…and maybe there would be less school shootings.  I say less because surely one industrious kid would get his hands on an illegal gun.

But, and what people don’t want to talk about, is that the issue runs deeper than guns.  High school is a hard time for the young.  Kids fight.  They argue.  They feel wronged by other kids and they feel this wrong is the only thing that matters in the entire world.  Some kids let these slights roll off their backs.  Some turn to negative activities like drugs or alcohol.

And then, sadly, there’s that one kid who says, “I’m going to get even!”

Take away guns and that kid will probably build a bomb, or use a knife, or a car or something.  You’ll probably say the kid who does that might at least kill less if he doesn’t have a gun to use as a primary weapon.  You probably have a point there.

The second amendment is a bigger issue than I don’t have time to talk about in detail today.  Rightly or wrongly, it isn’t going anywhere.  Politicians can throw barbs at each other all day, but a gunless Utopia where everyone solves problems with hugs isn’t coming tomorrow.

Increased security at schools can start tomorrow.

Take away the school shooting issue again.  Let’s return once more to the 1990s, when Hillary was really the de facto president and Bill was leaving stains on Monica Lewinsky’s dress.

I was a big kid.  But I was a nerd.  I was an easy target.  Kids who felt they had something to prove would hassle me, hit me, punch me and then they’d brag that they’d got one over on a big kid.  They wouldn’t go after, say, a big kid who would actually fight back.

I never fought back.  I’d just accept all manner of abuse because I figured if I socked a kid who was harassing me, I’d end up in trouble myself.  I figured that black mark on my school record would keep me from my big plans of becoming rich and famous.

Hell, had I known that the best I’d ever do is blog proprietor for a website for 3.5 readers, I might have socked a kid back.

Teachers I turned to for help were utterly useless.  Sometimes they’d give me a speech like, “Well, that kid’s home life really sucks and your life is better so could you maybe try to understand that kid has problems.”

I’d usually just nod politely but in my mind I’d just say, “Oh OK.  I deserve to be a human punching bag because my parents are gainfully employed and free of substance abuse addictions.  Got it.  I’ll go tell my Dad to pick up a bottle and then maybe you’ll help me.”

One time a teacher told me to just sock them back.  I admire that teacher’s gusto, but again, I’d nod politely and then in my mind, think, “Um, sir, I’m here to be educated.  I shouldn’t have to train myself in the ways of kung fu and fight my way out of here every day like it’s ‘Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome’ just so I can learn algebra.”

As an adult, do I realize that kids can be little assholes?  Yes.  Should troubled kids who slap other kids around be carted off to Rikers Island and have their lives ruined?  Sigh.  Maybe not if the kid can be sat down by the principal and reasoned with.  Maybe yes if the kid is making an environment where all the other kids feel like they need to train in the ways of kung fu and fight their way out of school like ‘Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome’ just to learn algebra.  Even then, probably not to Rikers Island but maybe to some school for difficult children where teachers have training in dealing with problem kids.

The point is, at some point in a young person’s life, they have to learn that there comes a time when rough housing and horseplay and fights aren’t fun anymore and if you lay your hands on someone else, there are consequences.  That should start in high school.

When I was a kid, I thought those teachers who wouldn’t help me were lazy assholes.  As an adult, I feel like those teachers were probably just people who signed up to teach a subject and didn’t get paid enough to, you know…be security guards.

That’s why schools need security guards.  I know that as a 1990s kid, I would have enjoyed school more if there’d been a person in a uniform and a badge nearby to pull douchebag kids off me.

So, to wrap this up.  Big picture, security guards might help stop school shootings if they are being utilized to set up check points, make sure every kid has an ID and everyone entering has a legit reason for being there, to search bags and run metal detectors.

Smaller picture, they should also be there to break up fights and to intimidate bullies into leaving nerds alone.  Nerds should neither have to suck it up and accept being pummeled is just a part of growing up, nor should they have to train in the ways of kung fu for self defense purposes just to learn Algebra.

Thank you.  Commence haranguing me in the comments.

 

 

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Are You Dating a Reality TV Star?

Hmm…dating a celebrity seems like it would be fun…until the cameras start rolling.

Is your girlfriend’s life being documented for the drama factor?

Only this BQB Top Ten List can help you find out for sure.

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