The Infallible Master informs General Tsang of Dragonhand’s incoming attack. The corrupt and arrogant Advisor Zhen has a good laugh.
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Category Archives: Zom Fu
Zom Fu Book Cover
Behold, 3.5 readers, the book cover for Zom Fu in all of its brain yanking glory.
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Zom Fu – Chapter 29
Advisor Zhen and Captain Yuen laughed…and laughed…and laughed. They were doubled over with tears in their eyes.
“Undead men,” the advisor said.
“Coming to eat the Emperor’s brain!” the captain added.
General Tsang stood silently, waiting for the guffaws to dissipate.
“Oh,” Advisor Zhen said as he wiped the tears away from his eyes. “I’m sorry, general. This sounds like a serious matter. Tell me who informed you of this impending attack again.”
“I have already told you,” the general said.
“No,” the advisor said as he put a hand up to his ear. “Please. I didn’t hear you the first time.”
The general sighed. “The ghost of the Nineteenth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”
Advisor Zhen and Captain Yuen doubled over again. “The ghost…of the…BAH HA HA HA HA!”
General Tsang’s blood boiled. He lost his cool. “You know damn well this is all true. You have ignored my warnings about Dragonhand for twenty years and now your incompetence will cost this land greatly!”
The advisor’s mood changed for the worse. “Watch your tone, General.”
“Our previous Emperor was a good man,” the General said. “But he will was weak and he relied on you to take care of everything. For decades, I looked the other way as you plundered the countryside with your outrageous taxes, most of which go directly into your pocket. I have never interfered with your schemes, scams, and tricks and yet you have interfered with my position time and time again. This is all your fault, Zhen.”
“My fault?” Advisor Zhen said. “How exactly have you arrived at such an absurd conclusion?”
“Years ago, I proposed that the Imperial Army take Dragonhand on directly,” the general said. “You got in the way. You whispered in the previous Emperor’s ear and convinced him to order me to stand down.”
“That was the proper course of action then as it is now,” the advisor said.
“Bah,” the general said. “All that fat is choking your brain.”
The advisor slammed his fist down on the armrest of the Dragon Throne. “We do not get involved in matters of kung fu!”
“There are no matter of kung fu left to get involved in,” General Tsang said. “You sat back and did nothing. Now the last clan has been slaughtered.”
“And good riddance to it!” the advisor said. “The kung fu clans were old relics of a long forgotten era. Filthy drunkards and over zealous ne’er-do-wells who sat around all day practicing their fancy punches.”
“I never knew them to be anything but respectable,” the general said. “They came to the Imperial Army’s aid more times than I can remember.”
“If they actually cared about their country they would have abandoned their nonsensical ways and joined the Imperial Army,” Advisor Zhen said. “Back flips and high kicks are the past. Iron and steel are the future.”
“But…”
“General,” the advisor said. “If Dragonhand’s clan had some sort of falling out with the rest of the clans, what business is it of ours?”
“The Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite was never officially recognized as a reputable clan by the other kung fu clans,” the general said. “Dragonhand is a criminal and now that his kung fu opponents have been destroyed, he has set his sights on the Dragon Throne.”
“Then let him come for it,” the advisor said. “This city has survived attacks before.”
“Never from an enemy like this,” General Tsang said. “Dragonhand has eaten the brains of every kung fu master in China and henow wields an unfathomable amount of fighting knowledge.”
“Will you listen to yourself?” Advisor Zhen asked. “‘Brain eating.’ Please. The man’s obviously just some kind of psychotic cannibal who spooked a bunch of backward thinking kung fu fighters and sadly, this hysteria has even invaded your mind, General.”
“I know how ridiculous this all sounds,” General Tsang said. “I wouldn’t have embarrassed myself so many times by imploring you to do something low these many years if I didn’t think the situation was critical.”
Advisor Zhen sighed. “Have you ever seen one of these brain eaters in person?”
“No,” General Tsang said.
“Of course you haven’t,” Advisor Zhen said.
“But I have seen heart eaters,” the general said.
Advisor Zhen raised an eyebrow. “I beg your pardon?”
“Vampires,” General Tsang said. “Japan is rife with them. They pose as ordinary humans, no different than you or I but in secret, they consume hearts and harbor an unquenchable thirst for blood. I encountered a group of them in my youth while conducting an espionage mission. I was captured by them. The things they did…the things I saw…I carry those horrific memories with me everywhere I go. I was lucky to escape with my life.”
Advisor Zhen shook his head. “These are the ravings of an opium fiend.”
“If the brain biters are even half as deadly as the heart eaters…”
The advisor cut the general off. “Captain Yuen.”
“Yes?” the captain asked.
“Please bring an end to this tedious conversation,” the advisor said. “As commander of the Imperial Guard, you have the final say in all matters of the Emperor’s security. You’ve heard the general’s concerns about a supposed invasion by a rogue kung fu clan which may or may not, but most likely is not…
“…it is,” the general interrupted.
“It most likely is not comprised of so-called undead brain biters,” the advisor said. “Do you believe any additional precautions are required to ensure the Emperor’s safety?”
Captain Yuen was a rugged yet good looking man in his late thirties. He stroked his chin and thought about the question for a moment, then answered, “No.”
“Come now,” General Tsang said. “Let me dispatch a unit and we will take the Emperor to the mountains, far away from here.”
“General,” Captain Yuen said. “Though I find your stories of brain biters and heart eaters to be incredible, I have always found your reputation to be nothing but credible. I am certain you believe Dragonhand to be a formidable enemy. I am sure he is and any plans he has for insurrection are to be taken seriously. However, there is no place safer for the Emperor to be than the Forbidden City. Our walls are high. Your men are battle tested. My men are rigorously trained.”
The general threw the captain a disgusted look, then gestured to the advisor. “So this pig has gotten to you too?”
Captain Yuen grew furious. “Your place is on the wall and everywhere beyond it. My place is anywhere within the Forbidden City. I will remain in my place, general. I suggest you return to yours.”
“Ungh,” the general grunted.
Advisor Zhen flicked his wrist towards the general, shooing him away. “You heard the man. Ta ta!”
General Tsang pointed a finger at the advisor. “Mark my words, Zhen. When that boy is old enough to understand all of the treacherous crimes you have committed, he will get an earful from me and I swear to you when that day comes, there will be a reckoning.”
Advisor Zhen smiled. “Yes, well…until that day…ta ta.”
Zom Fu – Chapter 28
General Tsang entered the Emperor’s throne room, a wondrous place where the walls were lined with gold and red columns stretched to the ceiling. He climbed a set of steps and took in the sight of the illustrious Dragon Throne, a magnificent seat adorned with carvings of the legendary fire breathing lizards.
The general waited patiently and did his best to choke down his bile as he observed Advisor Zhen’s rotund posterior parked in a place normally reserved for the country’s leader. To the left and right of the throne stood two stoic members of the Imperial Guard, each clad in traditional blue and white uniforms with red plumes coming out of the tops of their helmets.
Off to the far left stood Captain Yuen, Commander of the Imperial Guard. Tsang and Yuen traded respectful nods.
A boney old farmer in dirty rags groveled before the advisor. He looked as though he hadn’t eaten in weeks. Meanwhile, the advisor wore green robes sewn from the finest fabric. His neck and fingers were decorated in enough jewelry to feed the old man, his family, his village, and a hundred other villages into perpetuity.
“Please, noble advisor,” the old man said. “The taxes you have imposed…they are too great.”
Two beauties stood near the advisor. One waved a fan towards the fat man’s face while the other periodically plucked grapes and popped them into the chubby bureaucrat’s gob.
“You don’t wish to help your country?” the advisor asked.
“Oh no, sir,” the old man said. “It’s just that…the children. They are wasting away.”
A beauty popped a grape into the advisor’s mouth. It was quickly gobbled. “I see. Then you do not wish to help your Emperor?”
“No,” the farmer said. “It’s not that at all. Please, Advisor Zhen, you must understand the people of my village, they toil in the fields day and night, working themselves to the bone and yet they have nothing to show for it. Your tax collectors take it all and yet they continue to harass us, telling us we owe more.”
“Well then,” Advisor Zhen said between grape chomps. “I suggest that you do as they say and pay them more.”
The frustration on the old farmer’s face was palpable. “But we have no more!”
Advisor Zhen hoisted his heft upward and looked down on the peasant. “Why do you bore me with such lies?”
The farmer was bewildered by the accusation. “Sir?”
“If your life is as difficult as you say it is, then surely you would not have time to assail my ears with your tedious whining,” Advisor Zhen said. “You’d be out foraging for berries or eating dirt before you’d come to me with this nonsense.”
“But we have done that,” the old man said.
Advisor Zhen shooed the farmer away with a flick of his wrist. “Whatever your village’s taxes were before, considered them…doubled.”
The old man clutched his chest. “Sir?”
“Do you want them to be tripled?” Advisor Zhen asked.
The old man shook his head. “No! Please, sir, no.”
The advisor leaned back on the throne and focused on his next grape. “Away with you, wretch. Do not return with such contrived tales of woe again.”
“Yes sir,” the old man said. He bowed, then turned and hurried out of the throne room.
“Now then,” the advisor said as he slapped his hands together and rubbed them, then looked to his beauties. “Who wants to play a game of slap and tickle?”
The beauties giggled. General Tsang cleared his throat to grab the pig’s attention.
“Oh,” Advisor Zhen said. “Someone left a pile of shit in a suit of armor on my doorstep. What is it, Tsang?”
Tsang stepped forward. “If you can take a break from testing the bolts in the Emperor’s throne with your corpulent ass, I need a word.”
Zom Fu – Chapter 27
After the master filled the general in on the previous evening’s details, the general sighed in disbelief.
“News of the Clan of the Mystifying Monkey Slap’s demise had made its way to me,” the general said. “But the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw is now gone? I never thought I would live to see the day.”
“And yet,” the master said. “Here we are. As we speak, Dragonhand marches north. He’s stronger and more powerful than ever. He wields the Staff of Ages ad he will not stop until the Forbidden City is sacked and the Emperor’s brain is devoured. Surely now Advisor Zhen will listen to reason.”
“Blast that dirty mongrel’s wretched hide,” the general said. “I have warned him about Dragonhand for two decades but he has always refused to take action. The Emperor is as beguiled by him as his father was.”
“You must make him listen to reason,” the master said.
The general nodded. “I will try, but I have always felt that I deserve an honorable place in Heaven for not gutting that pig years ago. He is as thick-headed as he is arrogant.”
General Tsang laid his hands on the stone wall. “Damned brain biters. Do you think they are in league with the Japanese heart eaters?”
“Not that I know of,” the master said. “Though it pains me to think of how the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, a move developed as a last resort in an overall strategy of self-defense, has been corrupted in the name of evil.”
General Tsang drew his sword, took a knee, and rested his head on the hilt. “I swear on my sword I will give my life before I allow the Emperor’s brain to be eaten, old friend.”
“I know you will protect him,” the master replied. “I must take my leave now, for I have dispatched my last two remaining disciples on missions in furtherance of Dragonhand’s defeat. Take care, General.”
Poof! The general was all alone.
“Advisor Zhen,” General Tsang muttered. “I hate it when I have to speak to that fool.”
Zom Fu – Chapter 26
The Forbidden City was a vast complex of architecturally impressive buildings, walled off from the rest of the world, leaving anyone without the Emperor’s permission “forbidden” from entering. In the center of it all stood the Imperial Palace, the tallest, most luxurious structure in the entire country.
The gruff and grizzled General Tsang wore impeccably polished black armor. His posture was rigid. His demeanor was curt. In his youth, a knife had been dragged across the right side of his face, from just underneath his eye all the way to his jaw. The wound never slowed him down, but the scar remained.
The general walked on top of the city’s wall, inspecting his troops along the way. One young soldier appeared to be suffering a case of poor posture.
“Stand up straight like a man!” the general barked. The soldier immediately complied.
Further on down the wall, the general found Weiyuan and Tengfei, his two laziest soldiers. They engaged in a frivolous conversation, paying attention to anything but their duties.
Weiyuan puffed out his chest, put a dour expression on his face and did his best General Tsang impression. “‘Blah, blah, blah! I’m the boss! Blah, blah, your armor is out of order. Beg for forgiveness and kill yourself! Blah, blah, blah!’”
Tengfei slapped his knee and laughed until he saw “the boss” approaching. He straightened up quickly.
“‘Blah, blah, blah!’” shouted Weiyuan.
Tengfei looked away.
“What?” Weiyuan asked.
Tengfei kept quiet.
Weiyuan gulped. “He’s right behind me, isn’t he?”
“Unghh,” came the general’s grunt of disapproval. Weyuan quickly joined Tengfei in standing at attention.
“Do you two think it is funny to mock your commanding officer?” the general asked.
“He did it all on his own!” Tengfei blurted out. “I tried to stop him. Oh, I how I tried!”
“Lies!” shouted Weiyuan. “It was all his idea, sir! Please punish this rapscallion! He is a walking offense to the Imperial Army.”
The general grunted. “Do you think it would be funny if an assassin were to sneak through these walls and make quick work of the Emperor while you two fools are amusing yourselves?”
Weiyuan and Tengfei looked at one another then met the general’s eyes with blank stares.
“Is this is a trick question, sir?” Weiyuan asked.
The general provided the correct response. “No, it would not!”
“Right, sir,” Weiyuan said.
“That wouldn’t be funny at all, sir,” Tengfei added.
“Return to your duties or I’ll have you both skinned alive and boiled in oil,” the general said.
“Yes sir,” the soldiers replied in unison.
As the general headed down the wall, he could hear his subordinates whisper about him.
“He’s in a better mood than usual,” Weiyuan said.
“Thank goodness,” Tengfei replied.
Further on down, the general came across a soldier with a smudge on his breastplate.
“What is that?” the general asked.
The general broke out in a cold sweat and began shaking. “What is what, sir?”
General Tsang snapped his pointer finger up, brushed it across the smudge, then showed the soldier the filth that had rubbed off.
“You make me sick,” the general said.
“I…I’m sorry sir,” the soldier said. “I make myself sick as well. A thousand apologies.”
“You will get no sleep tonight,” the general said. “You will polish your armor until sunrise and you will show up for duty looking presentable or I will personally throw you off the side of this wall. Do you understand?”
“Yes sir,” the soldier said.
The general slapped the soldier’s arm. “Good. Say hello to your mother for me, Cousin Nianzu.”
“Yes sir,” Nianzu replied.
The general reached a quiet, lonely spot and took a moment to observe the city below. Bureaucrats, administrators and servants all hurried about, tending to their duties in service of the Emperor.
“General,” came the voice of an old man.
On pure instinct, General Tsang drew his sword and turned, only to find the ghost of…
“Infallible Master?” the general asked.
“The same,” the master answered.
The general returned his weapon to its scabbard. “Congratulations on your mastery of astral projection. I knew you’d figure it out one day.”
“Thank you,” the master said.
“Still,” the general said. “I’d prefer to see you in person.”
“Would that I could,” the master said. “But I can’t, for I am dead.”
Zom Fu – Part 4 – Aftermath
Junjie is beside himself with woe. The Infallible Master will walk the earth forever as a ghost, Mei-Ling is a statue and Niu is a brain addict.
Help Me Pick a Book Cover for Zom Fu
Zombies + Kung Fu = Zom Fu!
Dragonhand, the vile master of the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite, uses his kung fu skills to rip out the brains of his enemies, then eats them in order to gain the knowledge they hold inside.
Will Junjie be able to save the day before Dragonhand eats the Emperor’s brain?
Find out in Zom Fu!
But before you can find out, a) I have to write it and b), you have to help me choose a book cover.
I know which one I am leaning towards but I require your assistance 3.5.
Zom Fu – Chapter 25
Niu sighed. “Oh cruel fate.”
“How are you feeling?” Junjie asked.
“Like the fates have conspired to give me a throbbing headache,” Niu said as he winced.
“Do you still have a hunger for brains, my son?” the master asked.
“That’s ridiculous,” Niu said.
Junjie picked a zombie brain up off of the courtyard floor.
“Why would anyone have a hunger for…”
Junjie held the brain in front of Niu’s face. The giant’s eyes widened. “…brains? Brain! Give me the…”
The hero hid the brain behind his back. Niu’s calm demeanor returned.
“…brain. Don’t be absurd. Who’d want to eat a brain?”
“You,” Junjie said. “You fought me over one.”
“I did?” Niu asked
“You don’t remember?” Junjie asked.
“Brain addicts often suffer from memory loss,” the master said. “Their minds block out the terrible acts they commit in search of brains.”
“Please,” Niu said. “I’m not a brain addict. I have never even eaten a…”
Junjie held the brain out in front of the big man’s face. “Brain!” Niu shouted. “Give it here!”
The hero tossed the brain over his shoulder. It fell to the courtyard floor with a splat.
“Aww,” Niu said. “Wait. What was I saying?”
“That you don’t want to eat a brain,” Junjie said. “Although clearly you do.”
“Right,” Niu said. “Although I do remember that I avoided the temptation earlier.”
“How?” the master asked.
“The children,” Niu said.
“Oh no,” Junjie said.
“Niu,” the master said. “Please tell me you did not eat the children’s brains!”
“Of course not,” Niu said. “But when I ripped out the brain of one of Dragonhand’s warriors, I became enamored with it. I believe I would have devoured it had the children not divided my attention. I dropped the brain and got the young ones out through the passage but once I came to the courtyard I…”
“…went mad for brains,” Junjie said.
“I am thankful you have yet to eat a brain,” the master said. “And we must keep it that way, lest you go the way of Dragonhand.”
“I pray that is not my fate,” Niu said.
“Master,” Niu said. “How are you…”
“A ghost?” the master asked. “Astral projection.”
“Oh,” Niu said. “The Fourth Infallible Master was able to that. I surely enjoyed my one day of being keeper of the library before it was burnt to the ground.”
“Disciples,” the master said. “We must not waste time with further idle chatter.”
“I agree,” Junjie said. “We must attack Dragonhand head on.”
The master shook his head. “No. You must travel south.”
“South?” Junjie asked. “But that’s not the way to the Emperor’s palace.”
“No,” the master said. “And Niu, you must travel west.”
“If it is my fate to do so, then so be it,” Niu said.
“We’re just going to let the brain addict go?” Junjie asked.
“He appears to have his condition under control, for now,” the master said. “Get him out of here quickly,” the master said.
“I will,” Junjie replied as he began untying the knots around Niu’s arms.
“And nunchuk his face if he submits to brain lust,” the master said.
“I will,” Junjie repeated.
“Is it my fate that everyone will speak about me as if I’m not right here now?” Niu asked.
“Begin your travels,” the master said. “I will reconvene with both of you as soon as possible.”
“Where will you go?” Junjie asked.
“To the Imperial Palace,” the master said. “To warn Captain Tsang.”
Poof! The master disappeared.
Soon, Niu was free. He stood up and towered over Junjie. He looked down at his fellow disciple.
“No hard feelings?” Junjie asked as he looked up at Niu.
“Ow,” Niu said as he rubbed his head. “I doubt the fates would allow it.”
Niu noticed Mei-Ling. “What in the…”
“Cast in stone by Dragonhand,” Junjie said. “The master said she still lives.”
“Now I regret complaining about my fate,” Niu said.
Junjie wrapped his arms around Mei-Ling’s waist. He gritted his teeth as he strained to lift his love, but she wouldn’t budge.
Niu brushed Junjie aside, then picked up Mei-Ling and heaved her over his shoulder as if she were a light bundle.
“Fear not, brother,” Niu said. “I shall protect your woman and leave her with the people of the village nearby. It will give me a chance to check on the children.”
“Thank you,” Junjie said. He looked up at his love’s stone face. “Goodbye, Mei-Ling.”
Niu waited a moment. “I do not think she will be saying goodbye to you.”
Junjie rolled his eyes. “I know. Just don’t…you’re ruining the moment.”
“Oh,” Niu said.
The big man waited another moment as Junjie stared at Mei-Ling’s cold eyes.
“Do you wish me to put your petrified lover down and leave for a while so that you may defile her?”
Junjie shook his head. “And now you ruined it.”
“I am sorry,” Niu said.
“It’s fine,” Junjie said. “Just go.”
Zom Fu – Chapter 24
Junjie hogtied Niu, leaving the passed out giant hogtied, flat on his stomach with his hands tied to his feet.
“I don’t understand,” Junjie said. “For as long as I have known Niu, he has always been peaceful. This is the first time I have ever seen him lash out in anger.”
“His fatalist ways have served him well,” the master said. “But few men can resist the temptation of a brain.”
The hero looked down at the ground, where a brain that had been yanked out of a zombie skull was lying on the ground. “What’s so tempting about them? They are hideous.”
The master chuckled. “The Staff of Ages made a fine choice in you, my son.”
Junjie sat down and leaned up against the wall that his sleepy, humongous comrade had bashed him against moments earlier. The master’s apparition joined him.
“The Staff of Ages?” Junjie asked. “Now I really don’t understand.”
“Yes, brains are disgusting,” the master said. “But knowledge is power. On the grand scale of virtually limitless time and space, humans are but specks of dust. The average man has only a short time on this earth to learn and store knowledge in his brain. When a man eats another man’s brain, he consumes that man’s knowledge. By consuming many brains, one can fill his own brain with knowledge that could only be obtained otherwise by living for several lifetimes.”
“Or you could just abstain,” Junjie said as he pointed at the brain. “Because its disgusting.”
“Other than myself and my predecessor, the Eighteenth Infallible Master, you are the only man I have met who has been able to resist a brain,” the master said.
“That can’t be possible,” Junjie said. “Disgusting things are easy to resist.”
“Not when it comes to brains,” the master said. “The body realizes the power of the knowledge trapped within a brain. It wants it. Yearns for it. Craves it. Brain eating becomes a terrible addiction, so incurable that even when a body dies and the soul inside makes its way to Diyu, the body itself carries on in search of brains.”
Junjie shook his head. “So that’s…”
“…how a zombie is born,” the master said.
The hero sat quietly for awhile. “Do other bodily organs turn people into monsters?”
“I’ve yet to hear of anyone becoming a monster from eating a liver, kidney, or lungs,” the master said. “But the heart is a different story, one that I’ve only discussed with Captain Tsang of the Imperial Guard. For now, it need not concern you other than you must be aware that those who eat hearts are very dangerous.”
“Do most people lose control around hearts as they do around brains?” Junjie asked.
“No,” the master said. “Before one desires to eat a heart, one must have suffered unimaginable sorrow. Those whose hearts have been irreparably broken seek to replace their hearts by consuming the hearts of others, but doing so only leads to acts of unspeakable evil.”
Junjie stared at Mei-Ling. “Master, we must save her.”
“Yes,” the master said. “But first, we must save China, so that there will be a place for Mei-Ling to come back to once she is saved.”
Niu stirred and looked over at his captors. “Ungh…am I hallucinating or is the master a ghost?”
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