Best Pickup Lines – #50-75

#51 – The only band I ever listen to is Creed.  All day, everyday, nothing but Creed, Creed, and more Creed.  Can I take you higher?

#52 – Closing time.  You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.  However, as luck would have it, you are more than welcome to stay in my pants.

#53 – Do you think it’s fair that the top one percent of good looking men get to sleep with one hundred percent of the best looking women?  Do your part for sexual equality and help out one of the ugliest members of the ninety-nine percent of ugly men.  Seriously, I’m the Bernie Sanders of humping.

#54 – I’m just a squirrel looking for a nut.

#55 – I’ve got X-ray vision and I like what I see.  Yowza!

#56 – I’m not circumcised.  Seriously.  It looks like that monster that tried to eat the Millennium Falcon.

#57 – I’d love to leave one of my action figures on your night stand.

#58 –  Momma always said life is like a box of chocolates.  You just have to pinch a lot of ’em until you find the one you like.  Can I pinch you?

#59 – Do you want to see me naked?  Statistically speaking, someone out there must, so you never know, maybe you do.

#60 – Wanna have the best thirty seconds of passion followed by the best hour of awkward apologizing you have ever had in your entire life?

#61 – Don’t worry about getting knocked up, baby.  My swimmers aren’t exactly Michael Phelps.  By that I mean they don’t have any endorsement deals and they aren’t into trannies.

#62 – I forgot my condom at home.  However, I do just happen to have this empty Zagnut wrapper…

#63 – Welcome to O-Town.  Population: You.

#64 – Please!  Please, please, please, please, please, please, please…

#65 – I don’t have scurvy.  I eat limes on a regular basis.

#66 – Yes, I have crabs, but don’t worry.  They’re trained.

#67 – Pleased to meet you.  Might I make your vagina’s acquaintance?

#68 – Daddy’s home, baby.  Daddy’s home.

#69 – Sixty-nine.  It’s the most sensual of all numbers, don’t you think?

#70 – Look! I’ve got nothing up my sleeve…unlike my pants…

#71 – You like my scent?  One hundred percent Right Guard Sport.

#72 – You, me and a rodeo clown makes three.

#73 – Life is filled with disappointment.  Better to get them over with early.  Here, let me help…

#74 – I just popped a boner pill, so I’ve only got thirty minutes.  Give me a yes or a no quick so I can move onto the next one.  Law of averages, baby.  Law of averages.

#75 – I don’t think you will ever look better than you do right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

50 Best Pickup Lines

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Hey 3.5 readers.  Did you know that I am an expert pickup line writer?  I can’t use them myself, unless I use them all on Video Game Rack Fighter, but here are some pickup lines that, well, I can’t tell you if they will work or not.

If you are feeling adventurous, feel free to use them, though my lawyer advises the Bookshelf Battle Blog will take no responsibility for any injuries, physical, mental or otherwise, that you sustain due to using them:

#1 – Hey baby.  I have a 401K.  Bask in my financial responsibility.

#2 – I’m a time traveler sent here from the future to get all up in dat phat ass.

#3 – Wanna play hide the pickle?  No, really, I’m talking about a cucumber that was soaked in brine for an extended time period.

#4 – There’s a hamster in my pocket.  Want to pet it?

#5 – Are you from Heaven?  Because I need an angel to save me.  No seriously, I’m a depressed meth addict without a job or a place to stay and I really need you to save me baby.

#6 – Can I buy you a drink and/or possibly multiple drinks?  How much alcohol do you need to ingest in order for me to appear remotely attractive?

#7 – I made a sex tape once.  Critics called it “the best comedy of the year.”

#8 – I fart.  You fart.  Let’s fart together.

#9 – Damn baby are you a whale because that is one back I’d like to hump.

#10 – Baby, what’s your sign?  Mine’s vagitarious.

#11 – Care for some cunnilingus?  I’ve got my own miner’s helmet with the flashlight built in.  Perfect for spelunking.

#12 – Your face makes me believe anything is possible.  Do you think us rubbing our nasty bits together would be possible?

#13 – Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you three trillion more times?

#14 – My mom’s with her bridge club so I have the apartment all to myself tonight.

#15 – There’s a party in my pants and you’re the guest of honor.  Get in there and get your cake, girl.

#16 – Arr!  I be a pirate and I claim yon booty for me, arr!

#17 – Let me just put it in for a minute thirty.  Pretend I’m a hot pocket and you’re a microwave.

#18 – I do laundry.  I will wash that outfit and press it after you leave it all over my floor tonight, girl.

#19 – Let’s get married right now and figure out if we like each other tomorrow

#20 – I just went to Taco Bell and I’ve got about a half hour until my butt explodes.  Let’s do this thing, baby.

#21 – I promise I have no STDs.  Literally no woman has ever touched my penis, so it is completely safe.

#22 – I always light a scented candle after I let one rip.

#23 – Why haven’t you made my dinner yet?

#24 – Baby take a ride in my Toyota Corolla.

#25 – I would like to take you for a drive in my weird looking 1970s era, non-descript white van.

#26 – All my ex-girlfriends told me that it was them and not me.  I felt that was really big of them to be able to admit their personal failings.

#27 – What’s your sign?  “Open for Business” hopefully.

#28 – Am I really that ugly or am I just abstract?

#29 – So, do you live around here?  No, seriously, can you draw me a map to your house and write down what times you are sleeping?

#30 – I do magic!

#31 – Have you met my ventriloquist dummy?

#32 – I think there’s a coin behind your ear…

#33 – Pull my finger.

#34 – Do you twerk?  Because I know a class that can teach you…

#35 – I look fabulous when I’m covered in cheese whiz.

#36 – Hey look!  Two boobs, no waiting!

#37 – Do you want to see my impression of a motor boat?

#38 – Would you care to see my lair?

#39 – Free mustache rides!

#40 – Free discount gynecology exams!

#41 – Hello.  I’m Donald Hump.  Want to make my penis great again?

#42 – I’d love to take you on a romantic vacation but my parole officer says I’m not allowed to leave the state.

#43 – They broke the mold when they made you, but I’d love to fix that mold and make another you, you know, one that I could just feel up and not have to listen to her babble or put up with her bullshit or anything.

#44 – You.  Me.  A hot tub and a vat of orange marmalade.  No, you can’t know what the orange marmalade is for.  I don’t even know what it is for.  I’m just improvising as I go along, baby.

#45 – Pardon me, ma’am but are those yours or did you steel with two of LeBron James’ game balls?

#46 – Eh, come on.  If it isn’t me it’s just going to be some other asshole.

#47 – Do you like my beard?  I drew it with a magic marker.

#48 – I have money.  Lots of money.  Just take my word for it.  No, you can’t look at my bank records.  Where’s the trust?

#49 –  Of all the babes in this bar, you are the hottest one that I just happen to be sitting next to.

#50 – I just took a breath mint so I’m good to go.

 

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101 Random Things to Blog About

Hey 3.5 readers.  I heard a rumor that you are also 3.5 writers.

Thus, pulled out of my butt completely at random, here are 101 things that you could write about on your 3.5 blogs:

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#1 – Cats.  Always adorable.  Meow meow.

#2 – Bunnies.  You know if they had smaller ears, they’d just be fat rats.  People only like them for their enormous ears.

#3 – Chocolate.  Mmm mmm, gotta love me some chocolate, girlfriend.

#4 – All your personal problems.  Go ahead.  Share them on the Internet.  What could possibly go wrong?  (My lawyer advises that no one should do this as a lot could go wrong).

#5 – Farts.  Do you know everyone farts?  The Queen of England farts.  Beauty queens fart.  Debutantes fart.  Santa Claus farts.  No one in the history of the world had not ever farted at least once.  Forgive me for the sacrilege, but even Jesus farted.  I can only assume that he turned his farts into bread to feed poor lepers.

#6 – Golf.  Whack a ball.  Walk.  Whack it again.

#7 – The fact that old people have sex.  How old do you think the oldest people to have sex were?  Do you think a hundred year old ever had sex?  Do you think two, one hundred year olds are bumping genitals as we speak?  Come on.  It’s a big world and history is long.  Two one hundred year olds must have gotten together and pounded one out at least one time between caveman times and today.  It’s not only possible it’s virtually impossible that it hasn’t happened at least once.

#8 – Dogs.  Messier than cats.  Nicer than cats.

#9 – Your kids.  Only don’t be dishonest.  Be honest and tell us they are ugly and they will never go anywhere.  (My lawyer says don’t listen to me and don’t talk about your kids on the Internet, even if it is to be honest and tell everyone how smart they are unlike all those parents who put 10,000 photos and stories on Facebook every time one of their spawns burp).

#10 – Art.  Who is your favorite painter?  Do you think Jackson Pollack laughed his way to the bank every time some dummy bought one of his canvases that he just flicked his paint brush all over?

#11 – Cows.  Moo.

#12 – Ducks.  Quack quack.

#14 – What’s your favorite sandwich?

#15 – Favorite pizza topping?

#16 – Favorite movie

#17 – Favorite taco filling?

#18 – Favorite comic book?

#19 – Have you ever farted so loud that it scared you?

#20 – Karate.  Do you know it?  If you don’t, why not?  Do you think someone is going to karate chop muggers for you?

#21 – Root beer tastes better than real beer.  Discuss.

#22 – What is an alternative version of you doing in an alternate universe right now?

#23 – Your favorite type of pie.

#24 – Favorite song.

#25 – Why are zombies so stupid?

#26 – Do chimpanzees really like bananas or is that a vicious chimp stereotype?

#27 – Favorite car.

#28 – Worst movie you have ever seen.

#29 – Worst pickup line you ever heard.

#30 – Worst pickup line used on you.

#31 – A pickup line that worked on you.

#32 – Do aliens exist? (Spoiler alert: Yes!)

#33 – Do you ever wonder what the world will be like in three hundred years?

#34 – The Three Stooges: Complete idiots or misunderstood geniuses.  Discuss.

#35 – Does decaf coffee even make sense?

#36 – Why don’t people walk backwards?

#37 – Do you think the inside of a kangaroo’s pouch looks like a swanky Manhattan bachelor pad?

#38 – Why haven’t fish figured out not to bite hooked worms after thousands of years of human fishing history?  Why are fish such dumbasses?

#39 – Did French people call French Fries just plain old fries?

#40 – Favorite TV show

#41 – Worst TV Show

#42 – Favorite cookie

#43 – Favorite cake

#44 – Favorite number

#45 – Favorite letter

#46 – What would people say about you if they knew for sure that  you’d never hear that they said it?

#47 – Favorite fruit

#48 – Favorite vegetable

#49 – Biting all the chocolates in a box of chocolates until you find the one you want.  Acceptable or not?

#50 – What business would you start if a rich benefactor was willing to give you the startup money?

#51 – Does your butt hurt right now?  Why or why not?

#52 – Mudslide.  Scary weather condition or excellent drink?  Discuss.

#53 – Is every boxing movie just trying to copy Rocky?

#54 – Puffer fish: hilarious or not?

#55 – Why is poop brown even when you didn’t eat anything brown?

#56 – Why don’t people wear capes anymore?

#57 – Why don’t people wear fedoras anymore?

#58 – Why don’t people wear spats anymore?

#59 – Why don’t people wear smoking jackets anymore?

#60 – Your favorite Jean Claude Van Damme movie.

#61 – Favorite crayon

#62 – Favorite dinner recipe

#63 – How long can you hop on one leg without putting your other foot down?

#64 – What’s the most hilarious thing that you are seriously worried about?

#65 – Bugs.  Smush ’em and not blink an eye or try to coax them out the front door so they can live to “Bzz” another day?

#66 – Favorite ice cream flavor

#67 – Favorite place to take a date

#68 – Favorite superhero

#69 – Favorite Bond film

#70 – Favorite Bond villain

#71 – If everyone in the world farted at the exact same time, would the world explode?

#72 – Hobos: hilarious or tragic?

#73 – If you could go on a space voyage to a distant planet but it would take so long that you’d never be able to return to Earth in your lifetime, would you go on it?

#74 – Funniest “Yo Mama” joke.

#75 – Does everything taste better dipped in chocolate?

#76 – Favorite board game

#77 – Biggest bubble you ever blew with a bubble wand

#78 – Favorite singer

#79 – Favorite band

#80 – Why aren’t there anymore rock bands?

#81 – Favorite baked potato topping

#82 – Chili – should it be for breakfast?

#83 – Favorite baseball team

#84 – Favorite football team

#85 – Do you prefer to write with pencils or pens?

#86 – What’s in your pocket right now?

#87 – Favorite TV channel

#88 – Favorite Tyler Perry movie.  Someone out there has one.

#89 – If oranges are orange, why aren’t strawberries called reds?

#90 – Watermelons are neither water nor melon.  Discuss.

#91 – Pancakes are neither pans nor cakes.  Discuss.

#92 – Which rapper would you must like to share a plate of cheesy fries with?

#93 – Worst hairstyle you’ve ever worn

#94 – What are three changes you must make in order to be happy?

#95 – Why do squirrels love nuts?

#96 – Favorite version of Law and Order

#97 – Your favorite joke

#98 – Favorite color

#99 – Favorite amusement park ride

#100 – Your favorite episode of Murder She Wrote.

#101 – Your own list of 101 things to blog about.

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TV Review – Ali Wong: Baby Cobra

Sex, feminism and trapping a man.

BQB here with a review of Ali Wong’s stand-up comedy Netflix special, Ali Wong: Baby Cobra.

I consider myself a comedic historian and to the best of my knowledge, this special marks the first time that a comedian took to the stage while seven months pregnant.

With her baby bump on full display and not slowing her down a bit, Fresh off the Boat writer Ali Wong makes all manner of freaky sexual jokes that might offend your virgin ears, puts political correctness through a meat grinder, dishes on all the hilarious methods she used to “trap” her Harvard Business School graduate husband, and even sends up feminism (all women had to do was stay home and some bitch had to go and ruin it).

Her words (paraphrasing), not mine.  Different comedians are definitely able to say different types of things and get away with it in today’s politically correct age.

I’d never heard of Ali before and just watched her special on a lark but I was glad I did.  The one thing I notice is she speaks with almost a devilish charm, like she’s trying to come across as evil to make the jokes work yet you are also left with the impression that she isn’t half that evil off the stage.

Then again, how would I know?  I never asked her trapped husband.

 

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Zom Fu – Chapter 51

tabletdemo

Bingwen, the Palace Guards, Lickspittle, and a contingent of brain bite clan members stood in the Emperor’s bedroom, staring at Rage Dog, who was still pinned to the wall.

“Free me, dullards,” Rage Dog said.

Lickspittle walked up to the captive. “The master will surely punish you when he sees how you have failed him. Dragonhand is not one to…”

Dragonhand’s voice bellowed through the room. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Rage Dog has failed you, master!” the toady said. “He is incompetent and unworthy and…”

“Bahhh!” Dragonhand punched his fist into the wall, leaving a deep hole. He then drew General Tsang’s sword out of Rage Dog’s gut and lopped off Lickspittle’s head with it.

“No, master!” Lickspittle’s head cried as it bounced across the floor. “Don’t forsake me! Rage Dog was the one who…”

Crunch! Lickspittle’s cranium collapsed under the wait of Dragonhand’s foot.

“I can’t stand whiners,” Dragonhand said.

Rage Dog looked up, only to find himself staring at General Tsang’s sword.

“Will you fail me again?” Dragonhand asked.

Rage Dog trembled. “No…no, master.”

Dragonhand handed General Tsang’s sword to Rage Dog. “See that you don’t. If you do, kill yourself and save me the trouble.”

The fiend looked to Bingwen. “Go with him.”

“Yes, sir,” Bingwen said.

Rage Dog and his new minions dispersed. Dragonhand made his way back to the throne room. There, he found the Staff of Ages, which he had left propped up against the Dragon Throne.

The fiend took the seat he’d so longed for, then raised the staff high in the air. The ruby glowed bright purple.

“If no one will bring the Emperor to me, then I will kill every last man, woman and child in China and sort through the bodies myself until his brain is mine.”

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Things That Really Frost My Ass – Uncle Hardass’ Random Complaints

The Complainer in Chief…

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#21 – Owning a Pickup Truck

I love pickup trucks.  A pickup truck is by far the best vehicle ever invented.  It gets you where you need to go, there’s plenty of space in the back to carry your stuff and its got four wheel drive to get you through the snow.

All that being said, while I love pickup trucks, I hate owning one.  I used to own one and I never will again.  Owning a pickup truck is the closest a human being will ever get to being a real live superhero.

Imagine how Superman must feel when he tries to chill out in his Fortress of Solitude.  He tries to watch a movie on that ice screen his dead father is always nagging him on, maybe eating a taco and drinking a beer, but he can’t relax because the voices of ten thousand people in need of help are passing into his ears.  “Oh, save me, Superman!  Save me!  I’m an idiot who got my dumbass stuck out on a ledge and now you have to drop everything you are doing this instant to come rescue me!”

Similarly, if you buy a pickup truck, you will be surprised how many so-called friends and long lost family members you suddenly have.  Your phone will be ringing off the hook day and night.  “Oh, this is your cousin Matilda.  I’m moving to a new apartment.  Will you help me move all your shit with your pickup truck?”

And really, if you’re a responsible citizen, what can you do?  Say no?  You can’t say no.  You’re “Truck Owner Man,” the world’s greatest superhero, able to cart people’s shit all over creation with your power of having the foresight to purchase a vehicle with ample cargo space.

Do you think there aren’t times when Superman doesn’t shake his head and say, “Screw that moron on the ledge.  It’s super beer and taco time!”  Of course he does.  But he always does the right thing in the end.

I’m not as nice as Superman.  I used to chew people like Cousin Matilda out for not buying a truck.  “If you can afford to drive a second hand Prius then you can afford to drive a used pickup truck, so go get one and stop mooching off of mine,” I’d say.  Then I’d give up my lovely evening of watching Matlock and haul ass over to help the old broad because what am I supposed to do?  It’s not like I can sit at home watching TV and enjoy myself while Cousin Matilda is wheeling a ten foot boudoir stuffed full of her unmentionables across town on a dolly all by herself.  Superman couldn’t enjoy his super beer and super taco while that dumbass was trapped on the ledge either.  It’s not easy having super powers.

Luckily, I don’t own a pickup truck anymore.  I couldn’t handle the pressure of all the useless imbeciles who refused to buy their own pickup trucks.  I feel like Superman must have felt that time he temporarily gave up his powers.  I’m sure he would have preferred a life where he could have flown to work and opened up beer cans with his laser vision and checked out women naked with his X-ray vision, but he had to give that all up just to take a break from all the dummies who needed him.  I can relate, as I loved having a nice, spacious pickup trunk to haul all my garbage to the dump and pick up my multiple cases of  weapons grade strength hemorrhoid cream, but I had to give up that power just to save myself from truckless fools.

I hate people.  I love trucks.

#22 – Nesting Dolls

Nesting dolls are the dumbest thing ever invented by the Russians, second only to communism.  “Oh look!  It’s a doll inside a doll and that doll has a doll inside of it and then that doll has a doll inside of it…”

Seriously.  If that amuses you, then you have my pity.  That’s an amazing accomplishment because I have very little pity to give.

#23 – That Nimrod Who Blares on His Horn at the Exact Second the Light Turns Green

Oh, pardon me, Your Majesty!  I had no idea that you were the Queen of England and the entire second it took for my brain to register, “Oh, hey!  The light is green!” was a rude and unforgivable inconvenience to your ability to run England.

That is, I assume you are royalty and you have somewhere very important to get to and that the impending task waiting for you at your destination is so crucial that you were literally unable to wait an entire second.

What?  You aren’t royalty and you have nowhere to go because you’re a jobless jackass?  I thought so.  Do me a favor and shove that horn up your ass and then honk it about ten or twenty thousand times so you know how the rest of us feel, OK pal?  Then get a job.  No one likes a loser.

#24 – Diet Anything

Diet soda.  Low fat cookies.  Sugar free ice cream.  Look fatties, if you want to not be fat, then just eat less of whatever you are eating because all of that fake sugar and aspartame is pickling your brain and turning you into a mindless zombie.  You know what your good old Uncle Hardass does when he wants a Diet Coke?  He just drinks half a coke.  Pour the other out, let a thirsty bumblebee lick it off the grass or something.  Common sense is all it is, people.

#25 – College

College, schmollege.  You know what college is?  A four year party, peppered with occasional instances of learning that you take out an enormous loan for, a loan which is then paid off for the rest of your life?

Want the college experience?  You can get it all in one night.  Go to a titty bar, get drunk, talk to a bunch of dumb millennials and say thinks like “woke” and then read a summary of Plato online.  There you go, schmuck, I just saved you over a hundred grand easy.  You’re welcome.

#26 – People Who Wear Camouflage

If you’re wearing camouflage because you’re in the Army, then thank you for your service, soldier.  My only complaint is that there isn’t enough blood of America’s many, many enemies spilled all over your uniform.  I never washed my uniform.  I just let the blood of a thousand Nazis soak into it in order to scare away the other Nazis.  I kept it on after I got home because it worked just as well to scare off solicitors, bill collectors, and that neighbor who was a lowlife sponge, always asking to borrow a cup of sugar because he couldn’t be bothered to haul his ass to the store.

If you’re wearing camouflage because you think it looks cool, then take off that uniform like material because you haven’t earned the right to wear it.  Plus, how is camp going to make you bend in when you are walking through a big city?  If you want to blend into a city, just soak your dirtiest, most raggedy looking clothes in a bucket of cat urine for three days, then put them on and take a nap on a park bench while clutching a wine bottle in a brown paper bag.

Also, what’s up with the pink camo?  Ladies, until they invent a pink forest, we can still see you.

#27 – Paying for Extra Cheese on My Pizza

This is America, damn it.  A pizza comes with cheese, lots of cheese, and frankly, as much cheese as I damn well please.  The price should be the same no matter how much cheese I want and I reserve the right to demand piles upon piles of cheese be placed upon my pizza if I so choose.  Charging me for extra cheese is like charging me for extra air.  I shouldn’t be punished just because I love cheese.  My toilet is getting enough punishment already.

#28 – Poop Yogurt

I don’t get that commercial where they try to sell yogurt that makes women poop.  I mean, God bless you, constipated ladies.  I hope that you all poop soon, but it’s not like constipation is a male or female thing.  Sometimes I get backed up like the expressway on rush hour for five or six days and I think, “Hey maybe I’ll get some of that yogurt that makes you drop a deuce” but then I get afraid to buy it for fear that the cashier will accuse me of fraud for trying to buy pooping yogurt for constipated ladies while I have a penis.

#29 – Toilet Paper

Look people, Europeans are wrong on 99.99% of things.  You’ve got the Brits and their teeth that look like all they do is walk into doors all day.  You’ve got the French and their women who never share their pits and end up looking like they just put Bigfoot in a headlock.  Don’t even get me started on the Belgians.  They make one good waffle and they think that means they can just coast forever.

But, when someone’s right, I’m not afraid to say it, and the Europeans are right about bidets.  Just stick your fanny over a water jet, take a nice, cool water blast up your tucas and wowie, zowie, no more stink in your backdoor.

Why are we wasting money and trees on toilet paper when we can just use water, nature’s toilet paper?  Hell, with a good bidet, you’ll never be smelly and you’ll never be thirsty.  Wash your butt and take a drink.  I assume that’s OK but then again, I’m no scientist.

#30 – Nuts in Baked Goods

Ever have someone knock on your door and say, “Hello friend, I just baked you a nice batch of chocolate chip cookies!”  So then your mouth starts to water and you can’t wait to dig in to all that gooey chocolate and boom, there they are…nuts.  Bleh.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love nuts.  The more big nuts in my mouth, the better.  Shut up.  I know how that sounds but I don’t care.  I love nuts.  I just don’t like them in my cookies, or brownies, or bread, or any kind of bakery.  Put your nuts in my mouth, but not in my buns, thank you very much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Zom Fu – Chapter 51

tabletdemo

Near the steps of the Imperial Palace, three terra-cotta soldier statues stood ever so stoically, serving as tributes to warriors who had fallen in the past in the name of the Emperor. Their eyes were bright red sapphires, a bounty that the Whirlwind was unable to resist.

“Come on, you bugger,” the Whirlwind said as he jammed a dagger underneath one of the sapphires and attempted to pry it out. “Just a little…there!”

The Whirlwind stared longingly at the treasure in his hand, only to be interrupted by a cold, undead hand on his shoulder.

“Bah!” the Whirlwind said as he bashed the zombie on the head with his club. “Can’t you see I’m busy?”

“Rarrrgh!” Niu cried as he lifted another undead warrior over his head and tossed it into the night sky. “There are more important things to be busy with!”

“I was promised loot!” the Whirlwind said as he began to work on prying out another sapphire.

A zombie jumped onto Niu’s back but was quickly thrown off. Another attacked from the front, but Niu managed to grip the beast by the face and jaw, allowing him to separate one for the other.

“I said I’d look the other way!” Niu shouted. “A feat that is growing more difficult the more you shirk your responsibilities!”

The Whirlwind rolled his eyes as a second sapphire eye dropped into his hand. “Oh alright, pansy!”

Thonk! Clonk! The Whirlwind bashed in the brains of countless zombies as a fireball whizzed just inches over his head. A zombie standing directly behind the thief was hit by the flame and was incinerated instantly.

“Hey!” the Whirlwind shouted at Junjie. The thief tapped his own head to make sure his locks will still there. “Watch it, will you? If you burn off all my hair and leave me like baldy here, the ladies will never touch me again.”

“You test my patience,” Niu said as he pummeled a zombie.

“Someone had to,” the Whirlwind replied as he bashed his club into an undead skull.

Crack! A bolt of lightning streaked through the sky, followed by a menacingly loud thunderclap.

With his ghostly frame, the Infallible Master walked right through his disciples, the zombies, even the various members of the Clan of the Mediocre Yet Effective Club Bonk. The old man reached the top step and looked into the sky, where more lightning bolts passed overhead, high above the palace.

“Children,” the Infallible Master said. “Time is of the essence!”

The Whirlwind’s associates formed a line near the middle of the palace steps, bonking any zombie that dared to pass. This allowed Junjie, Niu, and the Whirlwind to enter the palace with the master.

“Club fu saves the day!” the Whirlwind remarked.

“Now is not the time!” Niu hissed.

“Niu and Whirlwind, you must find the Emperor,” the master said. “Junjie, follow me.”

“But shouldn’t I help them find the Emperor?”

“This is more important,” the master said.

“What could be more important than the Emperor?” Junjie asked.

TV Review – Dave Chapelle Netflix Special

OJ Simpson meetings.  The Age of Spin.  Care bears.  Bill Cosby.

BQB here with a review of Dave Chapelle’s Netflix special.

After a ten year hiatus, Dave Chapelle is back in the game and at 42, he hasn’t lost the spring in his step.  Though he does look and come off as a bit older and wiser, he’s still got that ability to drop laugh out loud truth bombs.  That’s no easy feat, and even more difficult in today’s politically correct, “naughty jokes are so offensive” landscape we seem to be living in.

You don’t want to hear me tell Dave’s jokes, so just watch his special instead.  To summarize without spoiling, he’s shaken about Bill Cosby (imagine learning someone you have loved and admired for years was hiding a disturbing secret).  He feels bad for millennials because he was raised by the Care Bears to care, whereas today, so many terrible things are happening on the news that it is impossible to care about it all.  Youngsters are living in “The Age of Spin” i.e. no one’s looking for the truth anymore, but just the best version they agree with.

I loved Chapelle’s Show from the early 2000s.  I have great memories of popping in his DVDs and watching them over and over again.  I wish Dave had kept up with his act over the years but then again, maybe there are some stars that shine so bright they need a rest before they can shine again.

Dave is still shining.  Shine on, Dave Chapelle.  Shine on.

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BQB’s Classic Movie Rewind – Face/Off (1997)

Holy crap, 3.5 readers.  Can you believe it has been twenty years since Face/Off graced the silver screen?

BQB here with a review of this trading faces action fest.

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I really love this movie.  The late 1990s gave birth to so many fantastic action films that still hold up today and this one of them.

John Travolta plays Sean Archer, an FBI agent who has devoted years of his life to taking down terrorist for hire Castor Troy (Nicolas Cage).  Now, he’s finally caught him but alas, Castor’s been incapacitated.

Castor’s brother Pollux is the only one who knows where Castor has planted a bomb that will level Los Angeles, so Archer goes through an experimental surgery to have Castor’s face removed and placed on his.

Alas, Castor wakes up face-less, but that’s ok, because he borrows Archers.  Thus the film takes a confusing turn as Archer and Castor become each other and hunt each other down.

Sure, the premise is utterly ridiculous, but the action comes a mile a minute.  The only question I have had for twenty years is why is it that, when Travolta has his own face put back on at the end does he have his love handles returned too.

Seeing it on TV makes me a bit nostalgic.  Scratch that.  I feel old.  I forgot CCH Pounder is in this movie.  I mostly know her from her days on the rough and perpetually angry Claudette on The Shield but I forgot that she was once mildly hot, bone-able and relatively young in this movie as Archer’s FBI partner.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  My one regret is they have yet to actually invent face swapping technology.  I’d love to swap my hideous face with some studly dude, although I can’t imagine anyone being willing to accept my face.

 

I Hate Stock Related Journalism (Or More Fun with Snapchat Stock)

Hey 3.5 readers.

So, I bought Snapchat stock a couple weeks ago.

And all the headlines in the stock related media were essentially, “YOU ARE A DUMBASS IF YOU BOUGHT SNAPCHAT!  SELL RIGHT AWAY!”

But I held in there.  And held…and held…and held…and it slipped…and I held.  Finally, it slipped more and I figured this was a dumb idea.  I sold it at a loss of $200.

Then a couple of days later it started to go back up.  And the stock media was like, “SNAPCHAT IS GREAT! WHY’D YOU SELL IT, DUMBASS?”

I swear, buying a stock is more or less like placing a bet in a casino and stock journalists yell, “Put it on red!  People who put it on black are morons!”

But then if it lands on black, they’re like, “We knew it was going to land on black all along, dummy!”

So…who knows?  I guess in a year if SNAP bottoms out I’ll be glad I sold.  Then again, if you goes through the roof I’ll be banging my head against the wall.

All I know is that stock journalist are like those two crusty old bastards who sit in the back of the Muppet Theater and heckle Kermit over everything.  They’re going to heckle you no matter what you do, so just do what you think is best.

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