Discuss whatever you want in the comments.
Discuss whatever you want in the comments.
Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.
It seems every generation, a kid gets stuck in a hole and the media swarms on the rescue effort. When I was a kid, the news was all over Baby Jessica, who fell down a hole in her backyard and everyday there was an update on the efforts to get this baby out of the hole.
Now it’s the Thai soccer boys. You know, a little sidenote here. I have lived an overweight, unathletic existence. The bad news is that it has severely limited my life, kept me from doing things I want to do, brought me all manner of hardship and rejection, but I can safely say I’ll never get stuck in a cave. If I were to look at the entrance to a cave, why, when others might say, “That looks fun!” I would say, “Screw that! Too much effort. I wouldn’t fit anyway. I’m going to go get a pizza.”
Am I saying to eat more pizza so that you won’t end up stuck in a cave? Yes. Wait, no. OK, don’t eat too much pizza and then just stay away from caves. There we go.
Does prayer work? I don’t know. “Let’s say a prayer” often comes across as cliche but there’s not really anything else we can do. I just feel bad for those Thai soccer cave boys. And my first reaction is to think their coach is a dumbass but I suppose he meant well and was just taking the kids on an excursion.
Anyway. Here’s my prayer.
“Dear God. Please save the Thai cave boys. May you take your mighty hand and drain the water that blocks their exit out of the cave. This would be easier than having them dive and shit. I’m sorry I said shit. That was unnecessary. Anyway, if you could get the Thai cave boys and their coach out of the cave and to safety, it would be appreciated. There are so few news stories with happy endings and we need one here.”
Anyway, that’s my prayer for the Thai cave boys. Not to brag, but I’m told Jesus is one of my 3.5 readers, so if you have a prayer for the Thai cave boys, leave it in the comments and I assume J-Dawg will pass it along to his old man.
A nunchuck expert
A gaggle of angry Chuck Norris impersonators
A sumo in a speedo
Elderly ex porn stars
Mafia hit men
A Roman gladiator
Frankenstein’s monster (who people confuse with his creator, Frankenstein)
Jack the Ripper
Anyone who needs to fart immediately
Russian spies, especially if the lady spy is much taller than the short male spy
Kangaroos with weaponized pouches
Shark rapists (as in, disgusting men who rape sharks, although sharks who rape would also not be pleasant)
The Right Said Fred Fan Club with a petition demanding you join their fine organization
Anyone holding a cactus
Boomerang wielding bison
Billy goats who want your tin cans
Ant Man may be small, but I’m used to small things. After all, I only have 3.5 readers and that’s got to be the smallest readership for a blog ever.
If only I could get Ant Man to enlarge my audience…in numbers, not in size. You’re all fat enough already. Drop the pizza.
Anyway, BQB here with a review of “Ant Man and the Wasp.”
In a nutshell (which Ant Man can live in), it’s a rare slam dunk sequel that goes above and beyond. Michael Douglas and Evangeline Lilly reprise their roles as father/daughter scientist team Hank Pym and Hope Van Dyne, while Paul Rudd returns as the titular Ant Man/Scott.
This go around, there is some love lost between Ant Man and his benefactors. After breaking the law to aid the fugitive Captain America in “Captain America: Civil War,” Scott’s under house arrest, while Hank and Hope are on the run thanks to the attention brought to their research when Scott grew to the size of a building in Germany.
Oh, right. SPOILERS. Although, come on, if you haven’t seen that by now then I doubt you care.
Naturally, the gang comes together in an effort to retrieve Hope’s mother, Janet Van Dyne (Michelle Pfeiffer, who, if I may be so bold, is just as boner inspiring today in her advanced age as she was when she played Catwoman oh so many years ago), the original Wasp, from the oh so scary “quantum realm.”
Plans go awry when black market criminal (Walton Goggins) and a villain dubbed “Ghost” due to an ability to walk through walls and disappear, go after the gang in hopes of stealing the tech needed to bring Janet home. Laurence Fishburne rounds out the cast as Hank’s scientific rival.
I loved it. It’s fun. It’s witty. It’s got a decent plot that has some twists yet doesn’t wear your brain hamster out and it moves fast. Literally, from the first minute to the end, it’s moving at light speed.
Oh, those Avengers. Come for the spectacle of Iron Man, the patriotism of Captain America, the mythology of Thor and then if you eat all those cinematic veggies, you can have the sweet, delicious candy that is Ant Man.
As usual, this is the role Rudd was meant to play – a hero who is a normal guy, a screw up who tries his best to make it work despite a constant lack of luck and every obstacle in his way.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. See it in the theater.
Mexican drug cartels smuggling terrorists over the border leads to a clandestine war in this Fox News wet dream/second installment of a movie that needed a sequel like I need another hole in the head.
(NOTE: I’m not singling out Fox News. CNN, MSNBC…I’m just getting my news from a talking parrot at this point.)
I liked the first “Sicario” film. It didn’t get enough play, but it was riveting and snubbed at the Oscars. If you missed it, (SPOILER ALERT) Emily Blunt played a Federal agent recruited into the CIA’s border war against Mexican drug trafficking, an effort headed up by a surly CIA agent (Josh Brolin) and an assassin (sicario) played by Benicio Del Toro.
I won’t get too far into spoilers, but if you recall, the sicario’s hatred for the cartels was so intense that there was no action he considered too far in the war on drug kingpins. Del Toro’s character doles out all manner of punishment and in a climactic final (and ultra disturbing) scene, he may either goes too far and proves himself as evil as the people he’s fighting or is justified in that to fight evil you must out evil them.
Thus, it seems a bit out of character that the sicario goes out of his way to protect a kidnapped drug kingpin’s daughter in this go around. Maybe the sicario found religion since the last film. I don’t know.
As films go, it’s a good diversion, the special ops tactics are fun to watch but I think the first film really was a one and done. Emily Blunt sold the film as the audience was able to get an intro to a whole seedy underworld through a newb’s eyes, whereas we’re sort of led to believe Brolin and Del Toro are going to take each other on over a difference of opinion but, well….OK I’ll shut up.
STATUS: Shelf worthy. Worth a rental at best, or wait till it’s on cable or Netflix.
Are any of us real? I mean, are we really real? Can you prove our realness, really?
Happy 4th of July. In case you don’t know your history of the American Revolution, here’s how it all got started.
Happy 4th of July, 3.5 readers!
May your day be filled with fireworks, revelry, and delicious barbecued wieners.
Bookshelf Q. Battler here to kick the holiday off in style with a brief history of the American Revolution.
Frankly, kids these days, what with their addiction to the Interwebs and what not, have no idea how their country got started and it’s high time someone educated them.
HOW IT ALL STARTED
The colonials loved their tea. All day long, they’d sit around the hearth and say, “‘Ello guvna, I fancy a spot of tea I do!”
They found tea exceptionally delicious and drank that shit morning, noon and night. The only time when you’d never see a colonial with one tea cup in his hand is when he’d have two tea cups, one in each hand.
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3.5 readers, today is the day we celebrate our independence from British tyranny (yes, we were so pissed those dirty limey pricks taxed our tea that we went and created a system that taxes a) our income b) our property c) our purchases and d) still charges fees for many basic government transactions.
That’ll learn ya, ya bucktoothed wankers!
Anyway, celebrate your country’s independence today, but all year long, you can celebrate your independence from shitty writing ideas by buying my big book of badass writing prompts. To do so, you’ll have to liberate 99 cents from your wallet, but really, can you put a price on freedom? I think not.