“It’s time for a female Bond,” according to Chris Hemsworth.
Sure, Thor. As soon as you step aside from your cash cow and let give your hammer to a lady, we’ll talk. Go lick a kangaroo butt, dummy.
I’m sorry, 3.5 readers but I feel strongly about this. There should never be a female James Bond.
#1 – It’s So Easy for Women to Get the D that a Jane Bond Movie Would Be Over in Five Minutes
Ladies, be honest. It’s not that hard for you to catch a D. I mean, we can talk about the quality of the D’s all day but ultimately, even the ugliest, grossest, most snaggletoothed beast of a woman can go out this morning and catch five Ds before sundown, and that’s a conservative estimate.
Don’t believe me? Start walking up to random men and ask them for the D. Yes, some of the wiser members of our manly organization will utilize a brain cell or two. They’ll assume this is too good to be true, that it is some sort of trap, that maybe a random woman asking for D has an unsavory venereal disease…hell, there might even be some good guys who think sex with a stranger is wrong or that they don’t want to cheat on a wife or girlfriend.
Aside from those chumps, many men will be all like, “Sure, I got the D right here.” And it literally will not matter if you are hot…or if you look like refried poop in the form of Rosie O’Donnell. There will be men who will be willing to give you the D.
(FYI this is just a rhetorical argument. You know it’s right. Please don’t actually go out and ask men for D. If you do, you assume the risk and we here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog will not be held responsible. Don’t do it.)
Meanwhile, men, do you know what will happen if you go around asking random women for V? Tazing. Lots of tazing. Your balls will light up like Christmas ornaments. Oh and also lots of arrests. You’ll probably ask one woman and then spend the next 48 hours in lockup awaiting your bail hearing. (So, yeah, don’t actually do it, this is just rhetoric and we won’t be held responsible if you do because…don’t do it, dummy.)
Literally, only a select few of lucky men are able to walk up to any woman they want and snag the V without putting any work into it. James Bond is one of those men. In fact, his ability to score any poon in the world is his superpower. Superman can leap tall buildings in a single bound, Wonder Woman has the lasso of truth and James Bond can convince any woman at all to give up the V.
This works to his advantage. Every Bond film circles around Bond seducing the villain’s woman into giving up information on how to defeat the villain. Only a man as suave, sophisticated, handsome and wealthy as Bond can fool a woman to give up the V…as well as the villain.
Do you know who can convince a man to give up information? Literally any woman. Your ugly stepsister, the fat lady at the DMV, your Aunt Doris, the cashier at Price Town with the hairy puss on her lip, literally any of these women could convince a Russian agent to give up the nuke codes because men will do anything for free pussy, and the pussy doesn’t even have to be high quality.
So, if it is high quality, say a hot actress playing Jane Bond, yeah, that movie is over in 5 minutes. The hour long scene where James convinces the villain babe to give up the goods on the bad guy is replaced with a henchmen blasting his pants and handing over the codes to Jane before he cries himself to sleep over what a loser he is.
#2 – James Bond is the Ultimate Male Fantasy
He really is. It isn’t easy being a man. You have to work hard, pay the bills, help with the kids, take care of the house, do all the heavy lifting…if you’re lucky, your wife might tickle your pickle for five minutes a month if you beg her in a pathetic manner.
We live vicariously through Bond. When Bond bangs any chick he wants with little effort, just because he’s awesome, and you know, the super hot woman usually feels really enriched from the banging and bangs him even though it means her betrayal means the villain will cause her to meet her certain doom…it’s like we get to live through Bond’s penis.
Seriously. We can’t get our women to make us a sandwich without being read the collected works of Gloria Steinem. Bond can convince women to die for his penis. Please, please, please don’t take our Bond away. Once every four years we get to experience via cinema what it is like to be a real man. Don’t take that away from us. It’s cruel.
#3 – You’re Basically Saying Women Aren’t Good Until They Become Men
The Bond concept is unique but can be copied to an extent. There’s no reason another film couldn’t be made in which a female British intelligence agent seduces men with her vagina of doom.
However, by turning Bond into a woman, you’re saying women are no good unless they become men. Bond must die and a woman must take his place. I don’t agree. There’s a good story about a female British spy out there. It doesn’t require ruining Bond.
#4 – Would the Bond formula work with a black Bond?
As long as he’s a handsome black man, yes. Idris Elba is rich and British. Idris Elba is handsome. I would trade places with Idris Elba in a second. He probably gets more poon in a day then my 3.5 readers and I could get in a thousand lifetimes. The fantasy works. I can yearn to be Daniel Craig, pulling in all that sweet, mysterious international tale just as easily as I can yearn to be Idris Elba banging all that dangerous, alluring booty.
However, it doesn’t work with a woman.
You think it does? I mean, even James Bond has to work at it a little. You know what Jane Bond has to do?
JANE BOND: Hello. I will give you vagina if you give me the codes.
MAN: OK here are the codes.
That’s it. I mean, even Bond usually has to like, pretend to be a mysterious businessman and win a round of poker and maybe kill a guy or something before he gets the right introduction to meet the woman he will seduce.
Jane Bond just needs to flash the titties.
#5 – But Women Like Bond and Want to Be Included!
Yes, you poor, poor cuckold of a man. Your wife told you she likes Bond movies and you took that to mean if the next Bond is a lady that would make her feel special.
Idiot. While you are fantasizing about being Bond, she is fantasizing about being drilled by Bond. Your wife will make you do ten hours of chores before you even think about grabbing her by the pussy ala our esteemed POTUS. Meanwhile, your wife would totally give up the launch codes (and her goodies) to Bond.
Thus, stupid, stupid man, if you pull a Hemsworth and try to be some kind of menstruating male feminist, she’ll hate you for ruining her getting nailed by Bond fantasies.
Stop. Just stop. The average man is lucky if he can get a woman to begrudgingly touch his sad little phallus once a month without a big long speech about how much his wife gave up to marry him.
Do not take away the one fantasy we get every four years where we can pretend to be a man who can save the world by getting hot ass spy bitches to go to town on his top secret spy junk.