Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 readers!
It is I, Dr. Hugo Von Science, back to once again prove that if you try to argue with science, you vill totally lose. It’s impossible, mein leipshin. Try arguing with a microscope sometime. It can’t be done.
Perhaps you remember me from one of mein fabulous inventions:
- The Aerodynamic Ice Cream Cone – allows astronauts to eat rocky road in zero gravity without spilling un single drop. Also comes in rum raisin, boysenberry, tutti frutti, und mein favorite, moose tracks mit extra rainbow sprinkles.
- Vacuum Sealed Pants – Just put them on, attach the vac-o-matic, turn on for five seconds and nothing gets in or out. (Just don’t eat anything for 6 hours prior to wearing these bad boys, mein leipshin, we had a few incidents with lab monkeys exploding when they got a little gassy.
- The Beyonce-a-fier – Makes any woman look and sound exactly like Beyonce. Early test results indicate it will save 10 out 10 marriages. Don’t worry, frauleins. The Tatum-izer is coming soon. Divorce vill be a thing of the past!
And last but not least…
- The Meteor Magnet – Yes! All will bow down before Dr. Von Science or I vill cause a giant meteor to hurtle towards Earth and….woopsie! I’ve said too much.
Anyhow, have you been reading along with Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life? Mein former student has undertaken quite an adventure, and has even met a fraulein! Good for him!
I know what you’re about to say. “Dr. Hugo, what do you know about love? Love has nothing to do with science!”
Malarkey, says I! It has everything to do with science. Think about all the scientific subjects that come into play when selecting a person to love:
- Chemistry – not in the “mix chemicals in a lab beaker” sense (though I did create mein first wife that way) but in the hormonal sense. When you see that special someone and that little person in the back of your mind starts shouting, “Yah, yah!” that’s the result of all kinds of bodily chemicals und juices being fired to and fro through your system. I’d explain more, but you’d need a Prestigious Degree in Science from the Science Institute of Science University to understand.
- Biology – Sort of tied to chemistry, in this case. On the plains of the Sarenghetti, why does one gazelle see another gazelle and think, “Mein Got, what an attractive gazelle?” Science!
- Psychology – Everyone’s head is wired differently. What one person finds attractive will be seen as blah by another. Success, security, stability, companionship, status – all these factors come in to play and often compete against each other inside an herr or fraulein’s knogan. For example, everyone might think the herr mit a flashy fraulein on his harm might be a cool dude, thus increasing his social status. However, if the fraulein is wild and crazy, she might not have much interest in a stable relationship.
Oh vell, I’m glad Bookshelf Q. Battler has found a fraulein but I hope he doesn’t screw it up the way he did when I allowed him to be my assistant on the Incredible Exploding Chinchilla project. Time will tell and we’ll have to read on before we find out.
But why not refresh our memories first?
READ PARTS 14-18
BQB’s epic adventure returns tomorrow, mein leipshin! Come back to the Bookshelf Battle Blog! Be there or be un square!
Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time. His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
Mad scientist photo courtesy of shutterstock.com