Tag Archives: dummies

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Ventriloquist Dummy

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Hello ladies.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

Is your boyfriend stiff?  Some might say even a little wooden?  Well, I don’t want to alarm you but just in case, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Ventriloquist Dummy:

#10 – He’s got wood.

Maybe it’s because he was carved out of an old tree, or maybe it’s because he’s a man.  Inconclusive.

#9 – He only speaks when you shove your hand up his ass.

Maybe it’s because he’s a puppet and that’s the only way he can speak…or maybe he’s a man with a girlfriend and thus, that’s the only way he’s allowed to speak.  Again, inconclusive.

#8 – Has a squeaky voice.

Maybe he has a squeaky voice because he’s a dummy or maybe he just suffers from a debilitating testosterone deficiency.  Inconclusive.

#7 – He’s a big dummy.

Maybe he’s a big dummy because he is a dummy but then again, has there ever been a woman in existence who didn’t think that her boyfriend or husband was a big dummy at one point in time or another?  Inconclusive.

#6 – Tells terrible jokes.

Most dummies do, but what man doesn’t?  Inconclusive.

#5 – Might Be an Evil Murderer

Yeah, but then again, any boyfriend might be an evil murderer.  Do you follow your boyfriend all day and night long?  Do you know where he is right now?  Inconclusive.

#4 – Can Still Talk While You’re Drinking Water

Either you’re an exceptional ventriloquist, or just a regular water drinker and your boyfriend likes to talk while you are thirsty.  Inconclusive.

#3 – Can Turn His Head Around 360 Degrees

That could mean that he’s a ventriloquist dummy but it could also mean that he’s been possessed by a demon.  Is your boyfriend a blasphemous heathen that inadvertently invited inexplicable evil to take up residence in his carcass?  Inconclusive.

#2 – His face is expressionless.

Yeah, but most men are bad when it comes to expressing their emotions.  Inconclusive.

#1 – Always has a snappy comeback.

True, that could be a sign that he’s a dummy but keep in mind men tend to say dickish things at extremely inappropriate times.  Inconclusive.

CONCLUSIONS

I have just scientifically proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is literally no way to tell whether or not your boyfriend is a human or a ventriloquist dummy, since there are so many similarities between the two.  Therefore, just to be on the safe side, you must assume your boyfriend is a ventriloquist dummy at all times.

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Killer Dummy Novel

So, I take it the general consensus is the idea for a killer dummy didn’t really wow anyone?

Ehh…I’m still working on How the West Was Zombed.  I’ve been pretty bogged down though lately but hopefully have new chapter soon.

I’m not going to fall into that trap of starting  new novel halfway through another novel anymore.  That’s like leaving your wife for a supermodel.  Sure, she turns heads and looks great at parties, but once you skim the surface she’s kind of dumb and won’t make you a sandwich.

Not that your wife did either but she at least cared enough to suggest you go to McDonalds or something if you looked hungry.

I think the Killer Dummy novel will quite possibly be my next novel though.  I know what I posted was kind of primitive but after thinking about it, I think I will switch to first person and it will  basically read as a confession/tell-all book from “Kit” himself, after having been caught, explaining to a shocked public how this beloved comedian/actor was in secret an evil serial killer who talked to his dummy.

I’m debating just how evil “Mr. Kaboodle” will be.  Part of me thinks he will egg Kit on.  Then another idea is that he tries to talk Kit out of his evil ways but, being a loyal pal, serves as consigliere, advising Kit how to cover up his crimes once he’s done them.

On a larger scale, it will give me the chance to lampoon Hollywood, how movies are made, and the whole idea of celebrity worship.

But fear not.  Zombed is still underway.  One thing I’ve had to learn is to not rush things.  None of this is going to happen overnight.  I want quality but I also want to not kill myself either so if it takes longer, then it takes longer.

If that means just one book a year then so be it I guess.

Also, it is weird I’m gravitating towards horror with my ideas lately.  It is hard for me as I don’t really like the idea of anyone dying.

Well ok, no one does, but when a writer bumps off a character it is like that writer is actually doing the bumping off.  I don’t want to bump off my fictional characters.

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