Bookshelf Q. Battler here.
Is your boyfriend stiff? Some might say even a little wooden? Well, I don’t want to alarm you but just in case, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Ventriloquist Dummy:
#10 – He’s got wood.
Maybe it’s because he was carved out of an old tree, or maybe it’s because he’s a man. Inconclusive.
#9 – He only speaks when you shove your hand up his ass.
Maybe it’s because he’s a puppet and that’s the only way he can speak…or maybe he’s a man with a girlfriend and thus, that’s the only way he’s allowed to speak. Again, inconclusive.
#8 – Has a squeaky voice.
Maybe he has a squeaky voice because he’s a dummy or maybe he just suffers from a debilitating testosterone deficiency. Inconclusive.
#7 – He’s a big dummy.
Maybe he’s a big dummy because he is a dummy but then again, has there ever been a woman in existence who didn’t think that her boyfriend or husband was a big dummy at one point in time or another? Inconclusive.
#6 – Tells terrible jokes.
Most dummies do, but what man doesn’t? Inconclusive.
#5 – Might Be an Evil Murderer
Yeah, but then again, any boyfriend might be an evil murderer. Do you follow your boyfriend all day and night long? Do you know where he is right now? Inconclusive.
#4 – Can Still Talk While You’re Drinking Water
Either you’re an exceptional ventriloquist, or just a regular water drinker and your boyfriend likes to talk while you are thirsty. Inconclusive.
#3 – Can Turn His Head Around 360 Degrees
That could mean that he’s a ventriloquist dummy but it could also mean that he’s been possessed by a demon. Is your boyfriend a blasphemous heathen that inadvertently invited inexplicable evil to take up residence in his carcass? Inconclusive.
#2 – His face is expressionless.
Yeah, but most men are bad when it comes to expressing their emotions. Inconclusive.
#1 – Always has a snappy comeback.
True, that could be a sign that he’s a dummy but keep in mind men tend to say dickish things at extremely inappropriate times. Inconclusive.
I have just scientifically proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is literally no way to tell whether or not your boyfriend is a human or a ventriloquist dummy, since there are so many similarities between the two. Therefore, just to be on the safe side, you must assume your boyfriend is a ventriloquist dummy at all times.