By: The Mighty Potentate, Alien Jones’ Boss and Supreme Overlord of a Planet the Name of Which is None of Your Damn Business
ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!
Greetings, Pitiful Humans!
Alien Jones’ boss, the Mighty Potentate, here to respond to rumors vis a vis this fiasco:
Yes, your Earth scientists, who think they are all big and brainy but in actuality are about as witty as a Banji Beast’s Butt Burst compared to the legion of geniuses under my command, claim to have discovered an Earth-like planet, one potentially capable of sustaining life.
Let us address the question that has no doubt entered your minds:
Is this Alien Jones’ home world, the one I, the Mighty Potentate, rule over with an iron fist?
THE ANSWER: NO!
Muah ha ha! Foolish hairless apes. You really thought it would be that easy to locate a planet under the control of a being with a brain as copious and learned as mind?
Hilarious! The notion brings nothing but laughter to me. Ha. Ha, I say! Ha.
No, this is not my secret planet and therefore, your degenerate Hollywood executives should, UNDER NO MEANS:
1) Use this telescope contraption to beam your insipid reality television programs to my, er, this planet’s media viewing devices.
2) Build spacecraft capable of long range flight to deliver reality television stars to this world. I mean, it’s not mine, but seriously, no planet deserves an influx of reality TV. Keep it to yourself.
3) Develop more obnoxious reality TV programs in the hopes of selling them to the residents of this planet.
4) Don’t just start calling it a random name like Kepler-425b. Perhaps this planet has a much cooler name. I don’t know what it’s name is. Why are you asking me? I wouldn’t tell you if I knew it’s name anyway. It’s none of your business, losers. Seriously, just showing up to a place already inhabited, acting like you own it and can just move in, ignoring the beings that already live there. You humans have a bad habit of doing that, you know.
Whoever the inhabitants of this mysterious planet may be, rest assured had they wanted you poking your big noses around, they’d of invited you to do so long ago, pathetic humans.
Whoever the inhabitants of this planet are, maybe all they ever wanted was to kidnap and probe a few of you to find out what makes you tick (specimens were surely given right back) and make crop circles as practical jokes. No doubt a wise ruler put an end to those practices long ago, though some of his dumber subjects probably don’t listen.
What? I’m talking about some other planet. Stop asking questions.
In closing, REMOVE THE OFFENDING TELESCOPE CONTRAPTION FROM MY ORBIT IMMEDIATELY OR PREPARE FOR INTERGALACTIC CONQUEST!
Er, I mean, or don’t. I don’t care. Because that’s totally not my planet.
CEASE PUBLIC TRANSMISSION.
PRIVATE TRANSMISSION.
Not to be shared publicly with the worthless humans.
ALIEN JONES! You were ordered to keep the humans away! First, it’s this damnable satellite! Next, my TV will have nothing but “Bowling Alley Disco Makeover” and “Who Wants to Be a Barracuda Farmer?”
Double your efforts towards launching BQB’s writing career, Alien Jones! He and the self-published authors promoted in your Ask the Alien column are our only hope!
Fix this immediately, or it’s Welcome to Vaporization City: Population You!
End of Private Transmission.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.
ALIEN JONES’ GUARANTEE: If you don’t like AJ’s response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
Alien image courtesy of openclipart.org
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