Tag Archives: ask the alien

Ask the Alien – Does this Appease You, Oh Mighty Potentate?

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By: Alien Jones, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Intergalactic Correspondent

Dearest Mighty Potentate,

Good day, oh Mightiest of Potentates!  May good fortunes flow through your ganderflazer and out your wizzamazoo.  May your empire stretch far and wide throughout the cosmos and may all hail the Mighty Potentate lest the grim fate of vaporization fall upon them like a dark cloud spreading over a misty valley.

Oh, Great Potent One, I am pleased to inform you that the chosen one, Bookshelf Q. Battler, has recently published a book on Amazon entitled, “Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts.”

At the time of this writing, BQB has given away seventy free copies and not all of those copies were downloaded by his beloved Aunt Gertie.  OK, sixty-nine were downloaded by Aunt Gertie and I downloaded one by accident while I was looking for a copy of “50 Shades of Gray” for purely scientific purposes, i.e. in furtherance of my studies into human mating habits.  Do you know that the more money the male of the species the more likely the female is to engage in degrading and even humiliating activities?  Fascinating.  If I had genitalia, I would be aroused.

But I digress.  Mighty Potentate, I beseech you to release me from my burden of being BQB’s advisor/protector.  Keeping this nerd safe is a daily grind, what with all of the zombies, werewolves, vampires, chupacabras and ill-tempered hipsters chasing him at all times.

Plus, I must say, and I rarely say complimentary things about BQB, but this book is not bad.  It contains 101 ideas to help writers write.  So, if this book doesn’t inspire the masses to drop the reality television that you despise so much, perhaps at the very least it will inspire a future author to write such a book…just as soon as someone who isn’t Aunt Gertie or yours truly downloads it.

In conclusion, please relieve me of BQB duty immediately so that I may pursue more interesting endeavors in the deep reaches of space.  Plus, I hear a new taco stand has opened up in the Gagalaga Quadrant.  I’d really like to hit that joint up.  I could even bring you back some space taco num nums, oh Great One.

Your Humble and Obedient Servant,

Alien Jones

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Ask the Alien – How Do Aliens Have Sex?

By: Alien Jones, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Intergalactic Correspondent

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Greetings Earth losers.

Alien Jones here, only don’t tell anyone I’m here, for I’m deep undercover in the back quarter of Troobalax, posing as a knockoff brassiere purchaser in the hopes of apprehending an intergalactic female undergarment forgery ring.  I must say, of all the wild goose chases the Mighty Potentate has sent me on, this one takes the cake.  I may have finally found a gig that comes with less respect than babysitting Bookshelf Q. Battler in his ridiculously long quest to publish a novel.

By the way, do you know that there are some alien species that have up to five hundred breasts?  That’s a lot of underwire.

Today’s question comes from one of BQB’s 3.5 readers, a Mr. Carlton Stumperfish of East Kramperblatt, South Dakota:

Dear Alien Jones,

How do aliens have sex?  Please explain in painstaking, excruciating detail and provide multiple examples if possible.  I swear I am only asking for scientific purposes and I’m not pumping a bottle of Jergen’s into my hand as we speak.

Sincerely,

One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers

Lies!  I can see into your bedroom with my high-powered x-ray telescope and you’re reaching for the motion lotion as we speak.  You sir, are not only a pervert but also a liar.

Close your eyes.  You don’t deserve to read this information.  The rest of you 2.5 readers may gladly read on in the name of sexual science.

A loaded question if there ever was one.  First, does my species have sex?  No.  My beings and I are clones who have evolved past the need for sexual organs.  Thus, without the need to constantly find something or someone to hump, we have had plenty of time to pursue a wide variety of subjects, thus making my home planet the most important planet in the universe when it comes to scientific achievement, cultural achievement and so on.

As for other species?  Yes.  Yes they do it.  And how.  A sampling of the most interesting sexual practices I’ve encountered in my many years:

  • Porthons – Large, beastly, buffalo-like creatures who charge at each other at a rate of over two hundred miles per hour.  When they collide, the cause a sonic boom that knocks the glass out of every building within a fifty mile radius.  Alas, Porthon isn’t a very developed planet when it comes to real estate.  However, the residents don’t seem to care as they are too busy making sonic booms.
  • Zenfenians – These beings are so fast that they can literally be doing it right in front of your eyes and you wouldn’t even know…because they are so fast.
  • The Gukfar – the Gukfar are proud beings, totally reliant on thousands of years of tradition.  The mating ritual begins when the female performs, “The Dance of the Ample Egg Pouch,” followed by thirteen and a half weeks of shouting, “Nonny, nonny, boo boo!”  The male then goes on a vision quest for seven years and only returns when he has found a musical instrument played by a tribal elder.  He then uses it to slay no less than ninety-seven lizards.  He roasts their flesh, then drinks a tea that puts him in a deep trance.  The woman’s father then seeks the permission of the tribal council to allow his daughter and her suitor to bump uglies.  Permission is only granted if the father can guess the number the council is thinking of.  He must win the best two out of three.  Finally, when the stars are aligned, the female may put her egg sack on display.  The male then dumps a heavy layer of Tabasco sauce on it and well, you can imagine what happens next.
  • Zebatars – They can have sex with their minds.  Beware, if a Zebatar is looking at you funny, he may be having his way with you.  Then again, he could just have bad gas.

All in all, there are 12,034,234,653,827,029,469,235,555,888,999,235,701.5 known sexes in the universe.  Kind of makes you humans with your paltry two types of private parts seem like slouches, doesn’t it?

Obviously, that’s too many types of genitals to discuss here, but needless to say, never offer to shake an alien’s hand.  Sure you might be shaking a hand or you might be shaking, well…you know.

Now if you’ll excuse me, 3.5 readers, these bra criminals aren’t going to bust themselves.  Punny.

Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.

Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.

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Ask the Alien – 1/24/17 – How Do Aliens Poop?

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Intergalactic Correspondent/Non-Pants Wearer Alien Jones

Greetings Earth Losers.

Alien Jones here, beaming this column directly to your primitive computing devices from the farthest reaches of the Omekulon Cluster.  I don’t want to disparage the fine folks of this Cluster, but let’s just say, they didn’t invent the term, “Clusterf*%k” for nothing.

How have you 3.5 humans been?  I feel we haven’t chatted in awhile.  I could say I miss it but, you know, the dictatorial regime that presides over my home planet didn’t clone a liar.

As you know, this is the only column in the universe where pitiful humans have an opportunity to ask questions of me, an all knowing alien.

This one comes Shelly Ruckschplittle of Doofendorf, Montana:

Dear Alien Jones,

How do aliens poop?  I have always wanted to know and I spend several hours a day pondering this question.

Several hours a day?  Shelly, I hate to channel BQB’s Uncle Hardass, but seriously, get a job.

The immediate answer is, “It depends.”  All living beings remove waste.  Some just do it more efficiently than others.

For example, highly refined clones such as myself have been tricked out so that our tummies are essentially spontaneous combustion machines.  Thus, I can eat and eat and eat and never gain any weight.  My food is converted to energy and any excess is burned up with no need for poop.

Therefore, my only orifice is my mouth.  The rest of me is airtight.

Here are how some other aliens poop:

  • Splattavarians poop gold coins.  No one is poor on Splattavaria.  However, banks are very smelly.
  • Fozdavoks poop fire.  Every bathroom is equipped with a titanium bucket and a fire extinguisher.  Chili night has been banned ever since Fozdavok City was wiped out.
  • Mayorps poop songs.  Hilarious yet true.  Just take a Mayorp out to dinner and be prepared for a heartwarming rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina.”  You’ll cry from the oniony aroma.
  • Hoobavongs poop black holes.  Ironic isn’t it?  Black holes emanating from their black holes.  Many hoobavongian proctologists have been lost.  Where did they end up?  Your guess is as good as mine.
  • Chuzzlefrings can actually transfer their poops to one another.  Thus, if you’re a very busy Chuzzlefring with no time to poop, you can transfer your poop to your assistant.  The most common frat party gag is for everyone to transfer their poops to a sleepy Chuzzlefring, who then ends up pooping a mountain in the morning.

I could get into the beings who poop radiation, disease, famine, locusts, and autographed photos of Justin Bieber, but I won’t bore you.  Suffice to say, there are many aliens who poop in strange, magical ways.

Thank you for your attention, 3.5 readers.  As always, stay on BQB’s back and continue to encourage him to write his novels in order to appease the Mighty Potentate.  (I don’t even want to get into the details of how the Mighty Potentate poops.  I could tell you, but he’d have me vaporized).

All Hail the Mighty Potentate and His Most Glorious, Awe-Inspiring Poops.

Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.

Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.

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Ask the Alien -12/31/16 – Bookshelf Q. Battler’s End of Year Stats for 2016 (A Report to the Mighty Potentate)

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Dear Mighty Potentate,

It’s been roughly two years since you have me to look after Bookshelf Q. Battler, the human author you believe possesses so much talent that he will one day write a novel so perfect that it inspires the masses to abandon reality television.

Not gonna lie, I still don’t see that side of him but hey, you’re the Mighty Potentate.

At any rate, I do believe that his blog, despite being only read by 3.5 readers, has convinced humans that reality television must be rejected.  After all, it’s not like America, the greatest of all Earth nations, has elected a reality television star as their ruler or something.  I firmly stand by that statement and also, please don’t watch any Earth television.

Bookshelf Q. Battlers End of 2016 Stats are as follows:

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: 2,025

TOTAL 2016 VISITORS: 16,389 (I cannot confirm nor deny that most of these were BQB’s Aunt Gertie).

TOTAL 2016 LIKES: 7,502

TOTAL 2016 VIEWS: 27,524 (Most were people who came here looking for directions on how to get away from here).

TWITTER FOLLOWERS: 8,184 (Follow BQB @bookshelfbattle)

FACEBOOK FOLLOWERS: 287 (Though BQB is considering scraping up some cash to use as a bribe to Earth Techno-Lord Zuckerberg to allow him more Facebook friends.  Like BQB on Facebook – @bookshelfqbattler)

Moreover, oh Potent One, BQB continues to seek new ways to bring traffic to his most pathetic blog.  Search engine optimization appears to be BQB’s forte as he has brought in 11,576 visitors this year alone through search engine hits (though again, most were people who came here looking for directions on how to get away from here).

Based on these stats, Mightiest of Potentates, I recommend holding back your invasion of Earth for another year in order to allow BQB to continue working on his writing career.  He’s building a platform, he continues to try, and though he has the attention span of amoeba, I believe 2017 will be the year when he publishes a novel.

As always, it has been a pleasure serving you, oh splendid Potent One, and though there have been rumors to the effect that I feel this job is far, far, far below my capabilities, I gladly accept any and all orders you have with a smile.

But seriously…please don’t vaporize me.

Your humble servent,

Alien Jones, the Esteemed Brainy One

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Ask the Alien – Help Bookshelf Q. Battler Save the World – 11/12/16

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

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Greetings Earth Losers.

Before I begin, I’d like to say congratulations to America for concluding its presidential election.

You may have thought this election was tough. In fact, it reminded me of the Flaknarkian election of 29292929 for the position of Illustrious Poobah.

The Flaknarkians are a walrus shaped people.  The male candidate was an elderly walrus with outlandish hair and the female was also an elderly walrus but she had a penchant for falling down all the time.

Hmm…come to think of it, there wasn’t a lot of difference between that election and yours.

Anyway, if your candidate prevailed, congratulations. If your candidate lost, my condolences.

But whether you are happy are sad by the results of this election, fear not, for it is meaningless, as the Mighty Potentate will most certainly take control of your wretched planet at some point anyway.

You may recall that some time ago my supreme overlord, the Mighty Potentate, declared that Bookshelf Q. Battler is the chosen one, the only writer capable of putting out a book so finely crafted that it would inspire the masses to give up on reality television altogether.

It’s been over a year and alas, BQB has yet to publish a novel.

Ergo, to prevent the spread of reality television across the cosmos, His Potentosity is planning a hostile takeover of your planet should BQB fail in his writing efforts.

In other words, start getting used to the idea of being ruled by the Mighty Potentate because it doesn’t look like BQB will ever get his ass into gear.

But you can help BQB and in so doing, save your planet from the Mighty Potentate’s potent potential.

All you need to do is follow BQB on one of the following time wasting social media sites that aliens invented to cause all of you dumb humans to grow dumber, fatter, lazier and more obnoxious and angry about literally everything.

Oh wait. I’ve said too much.

BQB on Twitter

BQB on Facebook

BQB on Wattpad

BQB on Google Plus

BQB is an especially Twitterer.  In fact, he Tweets as much as your incoming president but he is not as orange.

BQB checks in on Facebok and Wattpad regularly but has been letting Google + slide, though he needs to get back to it soon.

So follow him and then once he writes his book you can help him promote it and in effect, save the world from the Mighty Potentate.

In the meantime, if you see BQB screwing around on this pitiful blog, tell him to get his back ass to work on his novel, for the fate of the world is at stake.

Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.

Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.

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Ask the Alien – 5/15/16 – Genre Mashing with Dakota Kemp

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

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“Hmm yes. Hot steampunk chicks with big cannons. I dig it.”

Greetings Earth Losers.

The Esteemed Brainy One here.  The intergalactic trade war over irregular pants continues, but alas, I have done all I can. I have since moved on to Dromodo, where the beings are fighting over the right to marry.

I have heard you humans have been squabbling over that right yourselves (i.e. who should and shouldn’t be allowed to marry) but the Dromodons have a different kind of fight going on.

None of them want to get married ever again.  The government wants to hitch everyone up in forced marital bliss whereas the Dromodons just want to chill out and let their freak flags fly.

That’s what they call their genitals. “Freak flags.”  Very disgusting. Just take my word for it. You don’t want me posting any pictures of that nonsense.

Anyway, I just received this transmission from Earth writer, Dakota Kemp:

Should storytellers cross genre boundary lines? Or should authors like Bookshelf Q. Battler and I be considered clinically insane for their penchant of smooshing together wildly disparate genres?

For example, I’m mashing together the steampunk and sword-and-sorcery genres in my novel, Ironheart: The Primal Deception just as BQB does with westerns and zombie dystopia in How the West Was Zombed.

Are BQB and I unrecognized geniuses or delusional losers?

Hmmm.  Like Charlie Sheen on a Friday night, that question is loaded.

Perhaps I’ll start by taking a look at your latest novel, which I’m told just hit Amazon’s virtual shelves on May 12:

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Well, you’ve got all the trappings of a good novel here. A serious looking man with a derby. Old warrior who looks like he’s up to something. Hot chick with a big ass weapon.

I like it.  And really, the whole secret to good writing is that you, the author, like it.  And it appears to me that you do.

People try so hard to put books into boxes and slap labels on them.

The big question is “Are you having a good time while you write it?”

If you’re having fun, then it will show in your writing.

Everyone is different.  Some people are old ladies who love to write cozy mysteries in which their precocious kitty cats solve crimes.

Others are lonely housewives who unleash their pent up angst with steamy erotica.

Some people are like Bookshelf Q. Battler who beats himself up a lot over past mistakes and then inevitably writes stories about characters who goofed something up big time and are forever trying to make amends for it in some way.

The general advice I have heard from authors is that you try to “write for market” i.e. slap together a book that fits a cookie cutter cutout of every other book that is doing well, it probably will not do well if your heart and soul isn’t reflected in that book.

In other words, just write what you love to write about. If you love certain genres, and you enjoy mashing them up together, then by all means do so.

Think about it.

Do you want to eat a store bought cake that’s one in a hundred that was dumped off the back of a delivery truck yesterday?

Or do you want to eat a cake that was made with love by a little old lady baker who gets up at four a.m. every day?

The corporate clowns at your local chain grocery store don’t care about your taste buds or the art of cake making, but the little old lady who has studied baking her entire life certainly cares.

And perhaps that little old lady has a few tricks up her sleeve.  Maybe she adds a pinch of cinnamon or a dash of nutmeg to her cakes to really make your taste buds sing. Corporate clowns will never do that. They’ll just bust out their calculators, crunch the numbers, and decide they can still sell cakes without the added expense of nutmeg.

You sir, are clearly a nerd (no offense as nerds are held up with more reverence these days) who loves the steampunk and sword-and-sorcery genres.

You took your time, put in the work, built your own world and then birthed it into this one.

Are you insane and/or delusional?  No. If you enjoyed writing your book, it will show and once the word gets out, you’ll have way more readers than BQB’s paltry 3.5.

Dakota, there’s an old commercial for Reese’s peanut butter cups in which various humans complain in jest to one another, “You got chocolate in my peanut butter. No, you got peanut butter in my chocolate!”

Once upon a time companies just made chocolate. Then Mr. Reese shoved some peanut butter up a chocolate candy’s butt and people have enjoyed getting that much more obese ever since.

You’ll never know what people will like until you try.  Mr. Reese loved chocolate and peanut butter.  They’re better together, and I’m willing to bet that steampunk and sword-and-sorcery fantasy will mix just as well.

Sure, there will be plenty of squares who will tell you “don’t do this or that.”

They’ll tell you that genres are a lot like the lyrics to that fine 1994 song Come Out and Play by the Offspring.  “You got to keep ’em separated.”

Except, no you don’t.  Toss all the genres you want in a big bowl, mix them up, pop them in the oven, serve up your dish to the readers and let them decide.

By the way, don’t compare yourself to the lowly BQB. You two are in different leagues.

You sir, got a book to market, whereas BQB just screws around all day and maybe if I’m lucky he’ll write a chapter or two once a week.  He’s not exactly doing his part to stave off the Mighty Potentate’s conquest of Earth.

But you are, and that’s why your name will be added to the protected rolls once the MP rolls into town.

Good luck Dakota and stop by to let us know how your book launch went.

Alien Jones out.

Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.

Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer.  Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.

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Alien Jones Checks In

Greetings Earth Losers.

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The Esteemed Brainy One plays Candy Crush on his Space Phone

The Esteemed Brainy One here, blogging from Kemphos 91, where an uprising has occurred due to a lack of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Yes, that’s right. You’d be surprised in the vastness of space, that such seemingly trivial things are capable of generating interplanetary conflicts but here we are.

Keep in mind that the Kemphans require a constant supply of peanuts or else they break out into spontaneous song and dance numbers, which sounds like fun, but then they do it for days until finally their heads explode.

I’ve seen it happen. It isn’t pretty. It’s like being front row at a Gallagher performance.

Kemphos 1-90 really needs to fork over some of their peanut reserves to 91 but until then, I have to do my best to keep the peace.

Apologies for not writing more this year, Earth losers, but I just haven’t had the time. Disorder has been breaking out all over the cosmos this year. It’s very unsavory.

In the meantime, please assist me with my mission to launch BQB’s writing career. The sooner BQB is an established writer, the sooner the Mighty Potentate will get off my back.

Did I say get off my back? I meant to say until the Mighty Potenate can be pleased by another one of his genius plans coming to fruition.

All hail the Mighty Potentate.

Here’s where you can find Bookshelf Q. Battler on the inter webs.

LIKE BQB ON FACEBOOK

FOLLOW BQB ON TWITTER 

PUT BQB IN YOUR GOOGLE PLUS CIRCLES, BECAUSE YES, GOOGLE PLUS IS STILL A THING. I KNOW, RIGHT? WHO KNEW?

AND READ BQB’S STORIES ON WATTPAD – HE IS @bookshelfbattle

Humans, I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but your likes and follows will help keep the Mighty Potentate’s plans to conquer the Earth at bay.

Technically, I’m not allowed to criticize the Mighty Potentate, but let’s just say that he literally solves all political problems by vaporizing his opponents.

Not exactly a boon for democracy, but it does make for fun prime time debate viewing.

Thank you 3.5 Earth losers.  I’ll be back sometime this summer to answer your questions, so keep them coming.

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Ask the Alien – Happy Anniversary Bookshelf Battle Blog

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

 

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Alien Jones aka “The Esteemed Brainy One”

Greetings Earth Losers.

Two years.  Hard to believe it.  Two years ago this month, Bookshelf Q. Battler was stuffing his pie hole full of disgusting Taco Bell burritos when the idea to create the Bookshelf Battle Blog was born.

He’s come a long way since then and I must be honest, it came as a great surprise to me when my exalted ruler, the Mighty Potentate, assigned me the burdensome challenge of helping this nerd get his writing career off the ground.

I still remember how the conversation went:

MIGHTY POTENTATE:  JONES!  You are to aid the Chosen One in his efforts to become a successful writer!

ALIEN JONES:  But Potent One, I’ve read his lousy blog and honestly, isn’t there a more realistic task?  Perhaps there’s a black hole I could close?

MIGHTY POTENTATE: Alien-who-wants-to-be-vaporized-sayswhat?

ALIEN JONES: Wha..oh!  You almost got me there, Your Potentosity.  You are truly the craftiest of all potentates.

For those new to the 3.5 reader club:

  • The Mighty Potentate oversees a mind-boggingly vast empire of planets.
  • He despises reality television and fears if it goes unchecked, humans will spread this dreadful art form across the cosmos, replacing the MP’s much loved scripted programming.
  • The Potent One has seen in a vision that BQB’s writing will one day cause all humans to reject reality television.
  • Ergo, I am stuck as BQB’s advisor until he writes a novel so expertly crafted that it motivates all humans to reject shows in which brainless celebrities are followed around by cameras for no apparent reason.
  • So in other words, I’m BQB’s advisor forever.
  • Oh, and if BQB does not write such a novel before he kicks the bucket, the Potentate does intend to invade earth, strip it for parts, and resell it on the intergalactic real estate market.  The Moloklaxons have already shown an interest but you know, they’re not considered the a-holes of the universe for nothing.

BQB, on behalf of the Mightiest of Potentates, I’m glad to see you have made so much progress on your novel, How the West Was Zombed.

Cowboys.  Zombies.  Love.  Romance.  Daring do.  Werewolves.  Vampires.  Could use some aliens but eh, nothing is perfect.

Will this be the novel that hooks humans on a higher form of entertainment?

Well, I’ve read it and…hey, let’s just say if you want to be the one who informs the Mighty Potentate…be my guest.  I just hope you don’t mind being vaporized.  The MP gets a little testy when he doesn’t get his way and he has a hair trigger when it comes to his vaporization cannon.

Honestly, I was a little bummed that BQB put Undersiredverse on the shelf for now.  It’s not like I utilized astounding time travel technologies to beam adventures from 3000 AD (which as you know, isn’t here yet) into BQB’s brain so he could write about them.

And I won’t even take it personally, since I had a significant role.  I’m sure BQB will write this book eventually.

Really, what does it matter?  Even if BQB does finish Undersiredverse, and even if he swings a movie deal with Hollywood, the CGI alien that plays me will never be nominated for an Academy Award.

That’s ok though.  I’ve grown used to speciesism.  Even so, I can’t help but notice a lack of aliens when it comes to Academy recognition.   #OscarsSoHuman

For the 3.5 of you who enjoyed my columns, I apologize for not being around as much this year.  It’s not by choice.  There’s been a nasty trade intergalactic dispute over the price of irregular pants.  War has broken out.  Several planets have been decimated.  It’s very tragic.  I’ve been spending my time dousing water on that hot fire, leaving BQB to work on his zombie novel.

So in the meantime, dear humans, please provide BQB all the advice you can on his Zombie Western.  I don’t want to say that the better this book is the less likely you’ll become the Mighty Potentate’s hairless ape slaves but…well…yeah I guess that’s what I’m saying.

But forget that.  You’re helping me when you help BQB.  The sooner I can drop this assignment the better.  I’ve got too many plates to spin as it is.

Oh, and you can still feel free to ask the alien a question.  I won’t get to them as quickly this year, but assuming your questions meet BQB’s rigorous standards (usually, that it was written by a human using words) you’ll get a plug for your book or blog.

But keep in mind it’ll take awhile.  Sad to say, I’m not sure I’ll be able to check back in again until this summer.  That’s how complicated this irregular pants fiasco is.

What can I say?  An Esteemed Brainy One’s work is never done.

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Character Profile – The Mighty Potentate

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REAL NAME: If he wanted you to know it, you’d know, pitiful human.

OFFICIAL TITLE: The Mighty Potentate

ALSO KNOWN AS: The Mightiest of Potentates, His Potentositude, His Potentosity, the Potent One

BIOGRAPHY: In the beginning, there was only the Vek.

HOW HE BECAME THE MIGHTY POTENTATE 

They began as gray beings, approximately five feet tall, with skinny bodies, oversized heads, and large eyes.

Billions of years ago, on their home world of Vekto, this species rose from the primordial ooze and remained in a dark age period for countless millennia until one Vek discovered and developed a dastardly and devastating technology:

VAPORIZATION.  The ability to turn a being into a misty cloud that eventually evaporates into nothingness.

Yes, with his vaporization cannon, this being declared himself the Supreme Overlord of Vekto.  He did so with the best of intentions, demanding that all must abandon violence, greed, and corruption seek peace and prosperity lest they be vaporized.

It would become to be known as the “peace through vaporization” initiative.

Indeed, Vekto became very peaceful when that being vaporized everyone, becoming the last vek in existence.

After languishing alone for thousands of years, this being grew lonely and thus turned his attention to developing a new species – clones similar to the original vek, except he made them green and two feet taller so that he could easily kick their asses should they get out of line.

He called them “Vek 2.0” and made one very important improvement over those surly Vek 1.0 beings.  He manipulated their genetic code to remove all genitalia and butts.

This being was a firm believer in the concept that sex had been the downfall of the Vek 1.0, that their constant wars were little more than chest puffery designed to attract quality mates.  Remove genitalia and remove all violence.

Thus, as the only Vek left with a wang, he embraced his title, “The Potent One” or “The Mighty Potentate.”

He wasn’t wrong about his new creations.  Without sex to confuse them, the Vek 2.0 embraced lives of education and higher learning, creating vast wonders unimaginable to the human brain.

They expanded past Vekto, contacting lesser species who, despite their primitive genitalia, were at least open minded and willing to learn the ways of peace and prosperity from the Vek 2.0.

Together, the Vek 2.0 and the new species they discovered united under the banner of “Rakan” a vek word that means “peace through vaporization.”

With over a hundred billion planets, citizens of the collective live highly productive lives, making new advancements in the arts and sciences daily, thanks to the fear that their ruler, the Mighty Potentate, will vaporize the shit out of them if they fail to do so.

But the Mighty Potentate is not without regrets. After vaporizing the Vek 1.0, he made a pact with himself that he’d never vaporize an entire species ever again, though he doesn’t let his subjects know that as he does not wish to lessen the power of his vaporization threats.

Still, this means that the Milky Way, Andromeda, and all points in close proximity thereto, are allowed to run wild, filled with the worse beings around, who do nothing but commit acts of violence and indecency all day long.

Referring to this section as “The Undesiredverse,” (i.e. the garbage planets he does not want), the Mighty Potentate does what he can to keep them contained and out of the Collective.

INVOLVEMENT WITH BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER

A fan of scripted media, the Mighty Potentate streams a lot of TV shows when he isn’t potentating.  In the late 1990’s, he noticed a horrifying trend, that the humans were embracing reality television – programs in which morons are followed around by cameras that record them acting like morons.

The Potent One decided this could not stand and for years, searched for a human writer whose writing skills were such that he (or she) could be counted upon to produce a novel of such high quality that humans would be convinced to abandon reality TV altogether.

When he accidentally clicked on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, the Mighty Potentate declared Bookshelf Q. Battler to be the “Chosen One” and dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to assist BQB in his blogging efforts.

Since you’re not a citizen of the Rakan Collective, you’re not required to shout, “ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE” when you see the Potent One, but it could lessen your chances of getting vaporized.

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Undesiredverse: Wanted – Reblogged

Hey 3.5 readers,shutterstock_120849055

This morning I reblogged all 13 chapters of Undesiredverse: Wanted, along with little captions as to what’s going on.

I hope you’ll check them out and give me some feedback – good, bad, or indifferent, it’s all welcome.

There’s a tendency for posts to get buried in blogs, so if you want to read this in a stable place, it also has a home on Wattpad.  If you’re one of my 3.5 Wattpad readers, please take a look, vote, comment etc.

Thank you nerds.  Stay nerdy.  And please comment, even if your comment is “you suck and should hang your head in shame for darkening the Internet with your stupidity.”

Thanks Uncle Hardass.  You know how to get to the point.

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