Tag Archives: motivational speakers

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Stop Blaming Others and Own Your Suck

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m never going to stop spreading my advice to the sucky masses on how to stop sucking until the day comes when the world is entirely suck free.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my anti-suck self-help books:

This Suck Isn’t Going to Unsuck Itself

Sucking Around the World in Eighty Days

The Suck Cure

Suck Wars: The Suck Awakens

How to Deal with Suckers Who Suck

Why Do I Suck?

Why Do You Suck?

Why Does Everyone Around Me Suck?

Will I Ever Not Suck?

3.5 suckers, here’s today’s request for anti-suck advice:

Dear Vinny B,

I try so hard not to suck but it is not my fault. Everyone around me is a giant suck bag and they keep dragging me into their suck. I’ll never stop sucking as long as I have to be around all these sucky suckers and suck in all of their suck all day.

Really. It’s not my fault. Their suck is sucking me in.

Sincerely,

Sucks in Cleveland

Yikes. That letter really sucks, Sucks in Cleveland.

To adapt a scene from The Godfather III, it’s like you’re Michael Corleone and you thought you did everything possible to remove yourself from a world that sucks and then something happens that sucks and your response is, “Just when I thought I was out of the suck, they pull me back into the suck.”

Look. I get it. People suck. And you live in a world where people suck. It feels like the suck is unavoidable. Frankly, it often isn’t.  So much suck comes right at you from every direction.

Second hand suck is very potent. If you’re not careful, sucky people can get their suck all over you and turn you into a big fat sucker.

But you can’t resign yourself to the inevitably of suck.  You have to deflect the suck.

STEP 1 – DEFLECT THE SUCK

Often, you can’t beat the suck but that doesn’t mean you have to join the suck.

EXAMPLE:

YOUR FRIENDS: Hey, want to shoot heroin and then knock over a liquor store and punch a nun in the face?

YOU: No thank you. All of those activities sound like they would suck and I would rather not suck.

See? You’ve sidestepped the suck.

Listen, it would be great if you could talk everyone around you into not sucking but often that isn’t possible. Their suck is too strong and suckers will never stop sucking until they are ready to not suck.

In other words, you can’t really hold down all those suckers in your life and force them to not suck, but you can be there to help them when they come to you seeking advice on how to not suck anymore.

Some people just need to hit that rock bottom of suck before they will see the not sucking light and make the long climb up that anti-suck ladder.

Becoming a non-sucker doesn’t happen overnight.

3.5 READERS: But Vinny, avoiding the suck isn’t always that easy or straightforward.

Oh don’t I know it.  Case in point:

YOU: Oh I think I will do a lot of things on my day off to prevent my life from sucking. I’m going to hit the gym and then buy some broccoli at the grocery store…

YOUR FRIEND AND/OR RELATIVE WHO SUCKS: No, I want you to sit around all day and watch TV and get fat off of pizza with me…

YOU:  No, I’m going to go to the gym and…

SUCKING PERSON: Ugh but I’ll be so depressed if you leave me.  Ugh stay and let’s do some hits of elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: How did you get elephant tranquilizer?

SUCKING PERSON: Bah, I know a guy at the zoo.

YOU: Well, I’m sorry but I don’t want to watch TV and get fat and take elephant tranquilizer.

SUCKING PERSON: Waah!  You must really hate me. Waaah.

YOU: No, no. I don’t want you to feel like you suck. OK I’ll skip the gym and the broccoli and stay here and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer with you.

WRONG!

Absolutely wrong.

Don’t get sucked into a sucky person’s suck web.

I’m not saying don’t get help for a sucky person.  If you’ve got a person in your life who sucks then do what you can to help them stop sucking, but there’s never a reason to join in on the suck.

You don’t want to become suckily codependent with someone.  That’s when two people get together and decide to suck and feed off of one another’s suck.  They make you suck. You make them suck. It’s just a vicious suck cycle where the suck never ends.

Thus, in the above case, you, as a person trying their best to not suck, should set a good example and try to talk to the sucker about ways to stop sucking. See if they’d be willing to talk to a professional who can help them kick their pizza, TV and elephant tranquilizer habits, but other than that, there’s no reason to suck yourself up by engaging yourself in the suck.

Don’t take elephant tranquilizer just to make an elephant tranquilizer addict happy.  And moreover, don’t do something that you know sucks just to avoid making a sucky person feel bad.

Now I get it.  Often the second hand suck doesn’t transfer itself that obviously.

YOU: I’m going to go to the gym and the broccoli store.

SUCKY PERSON: Eh, I need you to clean the house and do the dishes, mow the lawn, wash the cat, shine my shoes, whitewash the fence, cook a nice brisket, rub the bunions on my feet, polish the caulk in the bathroom with a toothbrush, pick all the lint out of the carpet with a pair of tweezers, trim my nose hairs, develop a cure for all diseases known to mankind and skip to the lou my darling…

YOU: Holy shit.  Are you going to do anything to help?

SUCKY PERSON: Nah, I’m going to sit here and watch TV and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But I don’t want to do any of that.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s cool. Just do everything else because I’m too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But if I’m always doing everything because you’re too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer then I’ll never have time to go to the gym and eat broccoli.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s a bitch.

Sucky people are like ninjas. They are very stealthy with their suck.  Sometimes they hit you right up front with the suck stick so you see it coming but other times they sneak the suck up on you and you don’t realize that they’ve even sucked you into their suck until you already suck.

So in that case you must…

STEP 2 – WORK AROUND THE SUCK

You’ve got a real sucker in your life and they’re constantly throwing piles of suck at you.

But you don’t want to kick that sucker to the curb because you feel like people who don’t suck should always keep trying to unsuck a sucker and I feel you.

There’s nothing wrong with being a non-sucker and still loving and/or caring about a person who sucks.

So if you feel like you can’t ditch this sucker, then work around this sucker.

Get up even earlier and go to the gym.  Stay up a little later so you can go to the broccoli store.

I know. That sucks. Like an acrobat, you’re constantly dodging suck and coming up with new and creative ways to turn suck into non suck but if you’re stuck in a situation that sucks then that’s all you can do. Just keep dodging that suck and keep finding ways to make yourself not suck.

Work around that suck.  You know the suck is coming.  Don’t let the suck keep ramming into you.  Do some fancy footwork and bypass the suck.

If you really can’t then yes, sadly…

STEP 3 – DITCH THE SUCK

Yes. I know.  That thought sucks. But if the suck is truly unavoidable, you may have to put some thought into ditching that sucker.

Only you know what your sucky situation is like and only you are aware of your personal level of suck tolerance.

You don’t necessarily even have to abandon a sucker completely. You might be able to lend a non-sucky ear and a non-sucky helping hand from time to time, but if you really feel as though a sucker is dragging you down into a suck vortex, then you’ve got to jump ship and start swimming to the suck free shoreline.

In other words…

STEP 4 – ALWAYS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SUCK

At the end of the day, life is about choices.  Some people face harder choices than others. Some people are put into sucky situations that others couldn’t possibly dream of.

But bottomline you can either sit around and suck and lament and complain about how you live a sucky life because you’re trapped by all the suckers around you or you can pull yourself up and decide that you are not going to suck and you are not going to let suckers make you suck.

I do realize that some people have more sucky suckers to deal with than others but when all is said and done, only you can decide to not do things that suck.

As always, thanks for listening, keep not sucking and don’t forget to buy my anti-suck books, now available at a book store near you that does not suck.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Why Does the World Suck?

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

 

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and if sucking is the disease, then I’m the cure.

If you’ve come down with a bad case of suck, then pick up one of my anti-suck books today:

Be the Not Sucking Person You Were Meant to Be

101 Ways Suckiness Creeps Into Your Life

Stop Sucking This Instant

Goodbye, Suck. Hello Not-Sucking.

Don’t Stop Sucking Tomorrow. Stop Sucking Today!

Why Do Sucky Things Happen to Non-Sucking People?

Drop That Suck!

Don’t Want to Suck? You’re In Luck!

The news sure has sucked lately, hasn’t it 3.5 readers?

In fact, a whole lot of suckage has happened in Orlando, which is surprising, because you’d think between the great weather, cartoon mouse park, the wannabe cartoon mouse park, that park where they make whales do tricks, all the beaches filled with scantily clad women and the ability to buy oranges anywhere every two minutes, it  all blends into a very not-sucky place.

But so much tragedy struck in the course of a few days.  A budding singer was shot dead. 50 gay people were killed in a night club. Another 50 wounded.

Plus a kid got eaten by a damn alligator.

So much suck.  So, so much suck.

3.5 readers, I have counseled world leaders and useless peons such as yourselves through very dark times and inevitably, someone always poses the following question to me:

Why does the world suck?

What a loaded question. I’m tempted to say that question sucks but in as much as it gets the mental gears turning, it does not suck at all.

Before I reach an answer, I must first back track to another inquiry:

Does the world, in fact, suck?

You’ll notice the subtle difference between the two questions.

The first one presupposes a sucky world and seeks knowledge as to why it does suck.

The second does not automatically assume a sucky world but rather inquires whether or not it sucks.

“Does the world suck?”

It all boils down to a matter of perspective. What sucks to one does not suck to another.

Suck is truly in the eye of the beholder, or perhaps I should say, in the eye of the be-sucker.

I’m paid big bucks to stop the sucks. Thus, life seems pretty good to me. The world is my oyster.  And it tastes like it doesn’t suck.

But for the many, many suckers out there, life sucks and by extension, they view the world as a sucky place.

Life is precious. We are all given a short, finite supply of time to not suck in this world.  Everyone should do their best to not suck.

Yet, many aren’t able to escape the feeling that their lives suck and therefore by extension the world sucks.

The world’s supply of suck ebbs and flows. Sometimes its suck cup runneth over. Other times it putters along at an excellent, suck free pace.

Overall, all non-suckers must not taking their suck-less lives for granted. They must cherish them and do what they can to guide suckers by the hand and walk with them hand in hand down the road to non-suckitude.

Many suckers are out there wallowing in their own suck filth, waiting for a kind non-sucker to show them the way to not-sucking.

Meanwhile, many suckers are so stuck in their sucky ways that try as they might, no one is able to snap them out of this suck spirals.

As much as it sucks to admit it, even I, a world renowned anti-suck expert, have met a few suckers who I wasn’t able to rehabilitate and turn into productive non-sucking members of society.

On top of all that, many suckers become suckers, not due to any sucky things they did per se, but because they are trapped in environments, situations, or circumstances that suck.

Non-suckers will always have a duty to work towards desuckifying that which sucks up life for so many sucky people.

So does the world suck?  It all really depends on your perspective.

To get to the original question – “Why Does the World Suck?”

That, too, is a question with so many answers.

It’s never easy to go through sucky times.

And in the wake of sucky tragedies, it’s only human nature to want to know what can be done to keep all the suck from sucking up people’s lives again.

To answer the question, I could go on for days.

I could talk about:

  • The history of the world and more specifically, how so many sucky activities that transpired in the past have led to a sucky world today.
  • The need for the present day world to come to terms with its sucky past and more importantly, learn to find a way to embrace a suck free future.
  • The sucky political climate where suck-a-ticians from both sides retreat to their own corners and suck rather than engage one another in suck-free dialogue on how to rid the world of suckage.
  • The downward suck-conomy, in which it has become so difficult for sucky people to find jobs that will turn them into productive non-suckers, and the ensuing despair that leads non-suckers down the path to suckitude.
  • The need for parents to embrace suck free lifestyles and become positive role models to thus inspire the next generation to not be suckers.
  • The necessity for suck free and less sucky parts of the world to continue their quest for non-suckitude and the corresponding need for regions of the world that suck to work towards desuckifying themselves or at the very least, to not export ideas that suck to not-sucking parts of the world, thus descending the entire world into suckage.
  • The adoption of a “Don’t suck and let suck motto.” Non-suckers can’t force suckers to become non-suckers over night. Rather, suckers need to learn how to not suck by making mistakes on their own and eventually reaching the conclusion that they must change their ways and not suck. Only then can non-suckers make a difference and lend a helping, non-sucking hand.
  • Until that happens, suckers and non-suckers alike must learn to live together and be happy, each side agreeing to enjoy the goods, services and opportunities of the modern world without trying to foist their believes vis a vis sucking or not-sucking upon one another.

I could write a book on each of those points (wait a minute, I have!) but suffice to say, I believe the world itself does not suck.

The world is water and trees and land and so on. At its core, it does not suck. It is the things that sucky people do that make it suck.

To non-suckers, the world does not suck.  To suckers, it does.

What can be done to rectify the situation?

Non-suckers must continue to embrace their suck free parts of the world.  Help those who shout, “I don’t want to suck anymore! Teach me how!”

Suckers must keep their suck to themselves and not export it to suck free parts.

And while it’s never a fun concept to talk about, non-suckers must be vigilant and take the necessary security measures to keep suckage from spilling over into their not-sucking areas.

Keep moving forward. Keep not-sucking. Be an inspiration to all those who suck yet aspire to not-suck.

Thanks for your time, non-suckers and suckers alike.

Remember, buy my anti-suck books. They’re available at bookstores that don’t suck.

And if you want to know when my latest anti-suck column has been posted, be sure to follow BQB on twitter – @bookshelfbattle

 

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Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio – Why Does My Writing Suck?

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

Hello 3.5 Suckers.

I’m motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio and I won’t rest until everyone and everything in the entire world is one hundred percent suck free.

Is a suck free world a lofty, unattainable goal? Maybe. But if we can’t hold out hope for a suckless tomorrow, then why bother trying not to suck today?

If you’re tired of being an economy sized suck face, check out one of my many anti-suck books:

Journey to the Valley of the Suck

Desuckify Now! Ask Me How.

50 Ways to Stop Sucking

A Long Day’s Journey into Not Sucking

I Used to Suck But Now I Don’t

I Sucked but Now I’m Free

How to Spot a Sucker at 50 Paces

A Suckface Says, ‘What?’

The Sucktastic Voyage

Zen and the Art of Sucklessness

Bookshelf Q. Battler tells me this is a blog where writers are free to drop in and discuss ways to improve their writing skills.

As the world’s foremost anti-suck coach, I have counseled many writers on how to perfect their craft and stop writing in such a sucky manner.

MY FORMER WRITER CLIENTS AND HOW I HELPED THEM TO NOT SUCK:

Steven King – In the first draft of Carrie, Carrie and the school bullies learn to resolve their differences over cookies and milk. Carrie’s mother is so moved by this that she seeks professional psychiatric help and vows to become a better, less abusive mother.

I got up in Stevie’s grill and was all like, “Throw a bucket of pig’s blood on your protagonist and get the party started!”

RESULT: Steve’s book sales did not suck at all.

Suzanne Collins – Suzanne originally set out to have Katniss and friends compete in a friendly game of checkers of in order to determine who got to eat the last chocolate chip cookie.

My advice? Add in an evil dictator, give Katniss a bow and arrow and instead of checkers, make all the kids fight to the death.

RESULT: Four part movie deal.  Boo-yah!

GEORGE R.R. Martin – GRRM’s had a vision of a fantasy world where a mere three characters agreed to disagree in a polite manner and followed all the rules while resolving their differences.

“Georgie Boy,” I said. “Try 9,072 main protagonists. Add in lots of backstabbing, violence, betrayal and gratuitous boobs.  Dragons and more dragons. Make a slave girl march across a fantasy continent for like 20 years while she gets set on fire all the time and shows everyone her jugs. Oh, and be sure to make everyone think the good guy is about to win and then boom, he doesn’t.  Also be sure to explain who the bad guy ended up becoming the bad guy so people have no clue how to feel about anything.  Finally, throw in a brother and sister who do it and their doing it destroys all peace and stability in the realm.”

RESULT: George is one rich ass nerd.

DISCLAIMER: Mr. Baggadouchio may or may not have made up the above mentioned anecdotes but in all likelihood he probably did.

So, you want your writing to not suck?

Here are my steps to Desuckifying Your Writing

  1. Write and Read More
  2. Rewrite
  3. Seek Help
  4. Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself

Climb aboard the anti-suck train as we go through these steps one by one:

  1. Write and Read More

If you’re reading this, chances are English is your first language. It could be your second. If you’re new to the English language and this blog is one your first experiences with the English tongue, my condolences, and allow me to recommend this cat named William Shakespeare. That dude’s book sales are legendary. Some very not-sucky numbers.

You might think you know all there is to know about the English language but you don’t. Some know more than others but overall, even the experts are learning new rules every day.  It is difficult to master them all.

To complicate matters, there will always be rules where experts disagree.

The more you write, the better your writing will become.  You didn’t learn how to ride a bike without wiping out a few times and you won’t learn how to write churning out a few sucky turd nuggets on paper either.

Can you learn how to ride a bike by watching someone else ride? It does help.  Thus, you may not realize it at the time, but when you read a book, you learn how another author has handled a scene, dialogue, or other predicament.

Will practice make perfect? Perfection is in the eye of the beholder, but I can tell you that practice will make you suck less.

2.  Rewrite

Rome wasn’t built in a day and your novel won’t be either.  After you write it, you’ll need to rewrite it.

You didn’t know who your characters were when you started. Now you do. You have had time to think about it and you realize certain details need to be added in the beginning. Perhaps a scene isn’t working. Maybe a sentence is clunky.

A good rewrite will knock the suck right out of your book.

Think of your book like a steak.  Sure, you could plop a piece of meat on a plate and serve it up to your guest.  They’ll eat it.  They’ll go away with a full tummy.  They might be left with the notion that you’re a sucky cook due to your poor presentation.

But take that same steak, drop a sprig of parsley next to it, garnish it with some garlic salt and smother it with a nice creamy bearnaise and your guest will be singing your praises.

3.  Seek Help

Your book is like your child. You’re too close to it.  You’ve tried your best but you can’t identify every way it sucks.

Sometimes this is because you’ve grown so used to the suck you can’t tell the suck from the non-suck.

Other times this is because what you believe to not suck does, in fact, suck.

There are editors out there who can help you desuckify your book.

They won’t be cheap and you need to be careful.  Shop around.  Seek recommendations from authors whose books you like.  Do your homework.

But just as a good counselor will be able to analyze your kid and tell you all the ways you can help that kid to stop being such a giant suck bag, so can a good editor check out your book and advise you how to suck the suck right out of that draft.

Remember – once you click the publish button on Amazon, the eyes of the world (well at least the people who come across it) will be on your book.

You want to make a good impression. You want to do all you can to make it so your book does not suck.

4.  Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself

Unfortunately, I’ve a very busy anti-suck coach so I can’t advise you all on a one on one basis.

Some of you may believe that your writing sucks and you may very well be right. You could be correct in assuming that a drunk blindfolded llama with a pen stuck in its mouth could write a better novel than you.

Then again, some of you may be so wary of the need to not suck that you have mistakenly convinced yourself that your writing sucks when it actually does not suck.

Is your novel idea too far fetched?  Maybe.  Is it so far fetched that it sucks? Possibly.

But consider that the most popular show on television today features a drunken dwarf advising a dragon queen how to conquer a land being fought over by bastards, incestuous families, and ice zombies.

Yes Game of Thrones is on HBO, the same network that aired True Blood, a show about vampires who just humped and made funny quips all the time.

Does your farfetched idea suck? Maybe. But if you can honestly visualize it being turned into a show in the HBO lineup, then maybe its just the right kind of suck that people will love.

People, do you realize that for years now, a series of films about a man in an iron suit working with a green rage monster, a Norse God and a well-preserved World War II hero have been the most bankable box office busting flicks?

Let me share a piece of advice that entertainment insiders don’t want you to know:

Most book/movie ideas suck!!!

Do you know what is realistic?

Real life.  You wake up.  You poop. Brush your teeth. Take a shower. Eat a bagel. Go to work. Deal with assholes all day. Come home. Wash your laundry. Watch TV. Go to bed.

REPEAT THAT SHITTY SUCK FEST FOR 60 YEARS!!!

No one wants to read realism in a book.  No one wants to see realism in a movie.

Do outrageously farfetched ideas suck?

In theory, yes.

But they’re a special kind of suck that, if discovered by enough people, could put some fat stacks in your bank account.

CONCLUSIONS

That’s all the desuckification advice I have for you today, 3.5 suckers.

Stop sucking around. Grab your laptop, start clacking your keys and get to work on desuckifying your writing career.

If you still need help, you can always pick up a copy of my book, Suck Free Writing: A Guide for Beginners Who Really Suck at a bookstore that doesn’t suck.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio, Motivational Speaker – When Should I Stop Sucking?

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Motivational Speaker and World Renowned Anti-Suck Book Author, Vinny Baggadouchio

Hello 3.5 suckers.

I’m motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio and my four step process to help people stop sucking is taking the world by storm. I’ve helped thousands of people abandon their sucky ways. From lowly peons to powerful heads of state, I’ve invigorated and renewed people’s lives by helping them locate better versions of themselves.

Versions that don’t suck.

Have you read one of my many anti-sucking self-help books yet?

Only You Have the Power to Not Suck

A Million Pieces of Suck

Suck Once, Shame On You. Suck Twice? You Really Suck

One Flew Over the Suck Nest

Are You There God? It’s Me, a Person Who Sucks.

Pick one of these fine books up at a bookstore that does not suck. You’ll be glad you did, because you’ll be that much closer to not sucking anymore.

And boy, do you suck.

You know, as an anti-sucking coach, I have people who suck coming up to me all the time asking me questions about how they can get themselves on the path to not sucking anymore.

 

Here’s a question that was posed to me by a young sucky person who recently attended one of my anti-sucking seminars:

Hi Vinny B. I’m a young person and I totally suck. But I have plenty of time to suck, right? I can just suck and suck for years and years before I finally reach that point of rock bottom suckage and decide to embrace the suck free life style that you endorse, right?

– A Young Person Who Sucks

WRONG!

What’s wrong with you? Only a person who sucks would think that way.

Look, sucky young people. You need to do your best to not suck straight out of the gate.

Why?

A) None of us have any idea how much time we have. Sure, statistically, you likely have many years ahead of you.  But none of us really have any guarantee of a long life.  People who suck tend to do dumb, sucky things that shorten their lives exponentially. Start not-sucking as a youngster and your chances of not sucking for the rest of your life or not shortening your life by doing some dumb thing that only a person who sucks would do increase dramatically.

B) It is very easy for a young person who sucks to get stuck in a rut. Sure, it seems harmless now.  You’re 21 and you suck.  Plenty of time to turn it around, right? WRONG! Before you know it you’ll be 30 and everyone knows how hard it is to turn a sucktastic life around after 30.

Vinny B, why is it hard to turn a sucktastic life around after 30?

I’m glad you asked, young sucky person.

The younger you are, the more you benefit from the proverbial “benefit of the doubt.”

There is a magical dividing line between 29 and 30.

29 and single?  You’re a free spirit.

30 and single?  There’s something wrong with you. You are automatically suspected to be a) gay b) a psychopath or c) a gay psychopath.

29 and unemployed? You’re still a free spirit.

30 and employed in a dead end job? You are a loser who has failed anyone and everyone who ever loved you.

So take full advantage of that benefit of the doubt today, young folks. Because before you know it, you’ll be 30, and once you’ve been roaming the earth for thirty years, people won’t be too shy to tell you that you suck anymore.

Now, everyone has problems that suck, even the elderly. Here’s a question an old sucky fart asked me at another one of my anti-suck seminars:

Vinny B, I’m incredibly old and I have sucked my entire life. It is too late for me to not suck anymore, right? I should just embrace my last few sucky years as a sucky person and not kid myself that I could somehow not suck anymore.

– An Old Person Who Sucks

Listen Old Person Who Sucks, I’m not going to pee on your leg and tell you that it doesn’t suck when that happens.

You’ve been around the suck block for too long to be fooled by false promises of non-suckitude.

I’ll be straight with you. Yes, as an old person who sucks, it is a tall order for you to put an end to the sucky ways you are set in after years and years of sucking.

But I truly believe that it is a sin for anyone to croak without at least experiencing one single, solitary day of being a person who doesn’t suck.

So if you’re willing to roll up your sleeves, put in the work, and most importantly, buy my entire collection of anti-suck books at a book store that doesn’t suck near you, then you will be pleased as punch when you wake up one day and find that you are the least sucky person in your entire assisted living facility.

There you have it, folks.  You’re never too young to start not-sucking and you’re never too old to stop sucking.

Do you have any questions about how to not suck anymore?

Post them in the comments. And remember, if you have to ask if you suck, then you suck.

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Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio, Motivational Speaker

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The Bookshelf Battle Blog’s new columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio, will educate BQB’s 3.5 readers on the finer points of a suck free lifestyle.

Hello 3.5 readers.  I’m motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m here to inform you of a cold, hard fact:

You suck.

That’s right.  You suck and had you bothered to pick up one of my many self-help books such as…

How to Stop Sucking

You Too Can Not Suck

Stop Sucking in Thirty Days

The 7 Habits of People Who Don’t Suck

Knock Knock.  Who’s There? You…and You Suck!

Welcome to Sucksville.  Population: You

And of course, my hottest bestseller:

One Suck, Two Suck, Who Sucks? You Suck.

…then you’d be aware that you suck right now.

Yup.  I used to be a big old suckbag like you until I discovered the power of not sucking and with my new column right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, I’m ready to share the secrets of a suck free life with you.

Look at me, 3.5 readers.  My life does not suck.

Hot babes?  You better believe I’ve got ’em.

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Vinny B gets all the hot chicks.  You could too if you didn’t suck so much, you fat sucker you.

Money? Holy shit. I’ve got enough cash to choke a horse.

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Vinny B makes it rain and you could too if only you would stop being such a giant suck face.

Foxy females. Fat stacks of cash. As a genuine, bonafide non-sucking person, I’ve got a fantastic life. It doesn’t suck it all.

But you know what 3.5 readers?  I’m going to let you in on a little secret:

My life used to suck as bad as yours.

It really did.  I used to suck as bad as you do right now.

Life sure can suck, can’t it? You have all these hopes and dreams but when things don’t go your way and they start to suck, it’s almost impossible to avoid giving it all up to live the life of a sucker.

That’s what I did. Like you, I used to park my fat ass on my sofa and read columns published on sucktastic blogs that only had audiences of 3.5 readers or less.

When I was done reading sucky blogs, I’d suck a gallon of Haagen-Das ice cream down my throat while petting a flatulent llhaso apso named Tilly until four a.m. while watching Kung-Fu movies and dreaming of a non-sucking life that seemed so far, far away.

Holy shit, Vinny B. That sounds like it really sucks.

It did. It really did.  But do you want to know how I stopped sucking so much?

Yes please tell us.

One day, I hit the rock bottom of suckitude.  My wife left me for a man who didn’t suck. My kids called that guy dad because they were tired of having a sucky father.  Shit, even my miniature dog left me to find another owner who didn’t suck because that furry little son of a bitch got depressed as hell just being around me because I sucked so much.

But just then, when I was at my lowest point of suckosity, feeling crushed under the weight of my collective suckyness, I proudly stood up, chucked the ice cream in the trash, turned off the Kung-Fu movie marathon and shouted, “I WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!”

Say it with me, 3.5 readers!

WE WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!

God damn it!  Say it like you mean it!  Say it like people who do not suck!

WE WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!

Holy shit! I actually believed you all that time. You convinced me that you don’t want to suck any more.

Don’t get me wrong. You still suck. I mean, look at yourselves, all covered with potato chip crumbs and running up your credit cards on action figures that you never take out of the box because you’ve convinced yourself that just hanging onto them makes you an interesting person.

Stop it!  You are not interesting! You suck!

You suck but you’re also in luck, for at the Vinny Baggadouchio Institute to Get People to Stop Sucking, I have perfected a four-step process to get people off the suck train and into the non-suck fast lane.

STEP 1 – Admit That You Suck

Everyone knows that you suck. But you know what people who don’t suck do? They don’t provide unsolicited opinions about people’s levels of suckitude. They’ll never tell you to your face that you suck and you’d never believe them anyway because people who suck are always oblivious to the many, many ways in which they suck.

So the first thing you have to do is stop dipping that nacho into that vat of Cheez Whiz, squirt the B.O. off yourself with a little spritz of deodorant, then look yourself in the mirror and shout to the heavens, “I SUCK!”

WE SUCK!

Yes you do.  James Dyson is the inventor of the Dyson line of vacuum cleaners, powerful machines that basically double as mighty hand held wind tunnels capable of sucking up a spec of dirt at fifty paces and transporting it to another dimension.

If you could open up his brain and scoop out the most elaborate sucking invention that he’s yet to develop because it requires the discovery of some strange new alien power source to amplify its suckery…

…you would still suck more than that machine.

And you need to admit that you suck that badly.  Only by admitting that you suck can you begin to trod the path of the non-sucky.

STEP 2 – Identify Why You Suck

There are so many reasons why you could possibly suck.  Every sucky person is like a special sucktabulous snowflake.  No two suckholes are alike.

But based on the real life stories of some of the suckos I’ve brought back from the brink of sucking, here are some of the most common reasons why people suck:

  • You’re that sucker who has convinced himself that spending his entire paycheck on lottery tickets is “an investment.”  YOU SUCK!
  • You are that suck face who still lives with your grandma because you have convinced yourself that you could move out any time if you wanted to but you’re just too good of a grandson to abandon her.  Shut up. Your grandmother hates your guts and prays to Jesus every night that one day you will leave her in peace so that she can just have one moment to touch herself to Dick Van Dyke’s masculine tour de force on Diagnosis Murder before she dies of embarrassment of how badly her grandson sucks.  YOU SUCK!
  • You’ve given up on finding a relationship and instead have bonded with a pillow you drew a face on. Well, I admire your initiative to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear but even so…YOU SUCK!
  • You are an adult and you spend ridiculous amounts of time criticizing Hollywood executives for failing to live up to the standards you have for movies about your favorite comic book characters without ever realizing that you’re not the target demographic…BECAUSE MOVIES ABOUT JACKASSES IN TIGHTS AND CAPES ARE MEANT FOR CHILDREN AND YES, BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER, YOU SUCK!

You need to find that kernel of suck that is making your life suck and isolate it before it sucks up your life any more you big bag of suck.

STEP 3 – Develop a Plan to Stop Sucking

It’s not enough to figure out why you suck. You need to also determine how it will be possible for you to not suck anymore.

Suggestions:

  • Stop pining over your sucky ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Did they leave you because they sucked? Then good riddance. No one wants to be around sucky people because it’s too easy to catch their second hand suck. Did they leave you because you suck? Oh well.  You live and learn…to not suck. There’s no use crying over spilled suck so decide you won’t suck any more and when you’re no longer a sucker, you’ll land a ton of hot ass babes like me, Vinny B.
  • Stop chain smoking, binge eating, compulsive gambling, habitual shopping, prostitute fraternizing, getting spanked by women in furry animal costumes, farting on midgets or whatever other depraved suckfest you’re into.  If you have to ask if the activity that you are into sucks, then it sucks. Stop doing things that make you suck.
  • Tune out the suck filled world for an hour a day and take a walk to contemplate how to navigate your way around the obstacles in your life that make you feel like you want to suck.
  • Say goodbye to people who suck.  Otherwise, it is too easy to succumb to peer suck pressure.
  • Meditate and repeat a mantra such as, “Ommm…ommm…I will not suck…ommm…”
  • Leave post-it notes around your house, in your car and on your desk to remind yourself not to suck. Life moves at a rapid pace, after all, and if we don’t leave ourselves visual cues to not suck, then it is too easy to forget to not suck and revert back to our reflexive, default sucky natures.

STEP 4 – Don’t Suck Anymore

You have admitted that you suck.

You have figured out why you suck.

You have developed a plan to stop sucking.

Now, the fourth and final step. Follow that plan to the letter and refuse to suck anymore.

Believe me.  It isn’t easy.

Inside your mind there is a little negative suck bag voice crying out for you to suck.

EXAMPLES:

  • You know that extra slice of pizza will make your butt grow bigger than a barcalounger, but that suck voice in your head tells you to eat it anyway. Don’t do it. You’ll suck.
  • You know that unclean person you just met in the bar is going to give you herpes with a capital H. Don’t go home with said person anyway. Herpes suck.
  • The idea to buy some ridiculously expensive piece of crap that you’ll never use pops into your head. Ignore it. You don’t need it. High credit card bills suck.

IN CLOSING

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and it pains me to see so many sucky suckbags in the world. You don’t need to suck for one more day and if you follow my advice, you’ll never suck again.

And don’t forget, my series of anti-suck self-help books are available in one collection for the low, low price of $99.99 wherever books that don’t suck are sold.

Buy them all today or else…you suck!

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