The Bookshelf Battle Blog’s new columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio, will educate BQB’s 3.5 readers on the finer points of a suck free lifestyle.
Hello 3.5 readers. I’m motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m here to inform you of a cold, hard fact:
That’s right. You suck and had you bothered to pick up one of my many self-help books such as…
How to Stop Sucking
You Too Can Not Suck
Stop Sucking in Thirty Days
The 7 Habits of People Who Don’t Suck
Knock Knock. Who’s There? You…and You Suck!
Welcome to Sucksville. Population: You
And of course, my hottest bestseller:
One Suck, Two Suck, Who Sucks? You Suck.
…then you’d be aware that you suck right now.
Yup. I used to be a big old suckbag like you until I discovered the power of not sucking and with my new column right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, I’m ready to share the secrets of a suck free life with you.
Look at me, 3.5 readers. My life does not suck.
Hot babes? You better believe I’ve got ’em.
Vinny B gets all the hot chicks. You could too if you didn’t suck so much, you fat sucker you.
Money? Holy shit. I’ve got enough cash to choke a horse.
Vinny B makes it rain and you could too if only you would stop being such a giant suck face.
Foxy females. Fat stacks of cash. As a genuine, bonafide non-sucking person, I’ve got a fantastic life. It doesn’t suck it all.
But you know what 3.5 readers? I’m going to let you in on a little secret:
My life used to suck as bad as yours.
It really did. I used to suck as bad as you do right now.
Life sure can suck, can’t it? You have all these hopes and dreams but when things don’t go your way and they start to suck, it’s almost impossible to avoid giving it all up to live the life of a sucker.
That’s what I did. Like you, I used to park my fat ass on my sofa and read columns published on sucktastic blogs that only had audiences of 3.5 readers or less.
When I was done reading sucky blogs, I’d suck a gallon of Haagen-Das ice cream down my throat while petting a flatulent llhaso apso named Tilly until four a.m. while watching Kung-Fu movies and dreaming of a non-sucking life that seemed so far, far away.
Holy shit, Vinny B. That sounds like it really sucks.
It did. It really did. But do you want to know how I stopped sucking so much?
Yes please tell us.
One day, I hit the rock bottom of suckitude. My wife left me for a man who didn’t suck. My kids called that guy dad because they were tired of having a sucky father. Shit, even my miniature dog left me to find another owner who didn’t suck because that furry little son of a bitch got depressed as hell just being around me because I sucked so much.
But just then, when I was at my lowest point of suckosity, feeling crushed under the weight of my collective suckyness, I proudly stood up, chucked the ice cream in the trash, turned off the Kung-Fu movie marathon and shouted, “I WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!”
Say it with me, 3.5 readers!
WE WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!
God damn it! Say it like you mean it! Say it like people who do not suck!
WE WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!
Holy shit! I actually believed you all that time. You convinced me that you don’t want to suck any more.
Don’t get me wrong. You still suck. I mean, look at yourselves, all covered with potato chip crumbs and running up your credit cards on action figures that you never take out of the box because you’ve convinced yourself that just hanging onto them makes you an interesting person.
Stop it! You are not interesting! You suck!
You suck but you’re also in luck, for at the Vinny Baggadouchio Institute to Get People to Stop Sucking, I have perfected a four-step process to get people off the suck train and into the non-suck fast lane.
STEP 1 – Admit That You Suck
Everyone knows that you suck. But you know what people who don’t suck do? They don’t provide unsolicited opinions about people’s levels of suckitude. They’ll never tell you to your face that you suck and you’d never believe them anyway because people who suck are always oblivious to the many, many ways in which they suck.
So the first thing you have to do is stop dipping that nacho into that vat of Cheez Whiz, squirt the B.O. off yourself with a little spritz of deodorant, then look yourself in the mirror and shout to the heavens, “I SUCK!”
Yes you do. James Dyson is the inventor of the Dyson line of vacuum cleaners, powerful machines that basically double as mighty hand held wind tunnels capable of sucking up a spec of dirt at fifty paces and transporting it to another dimension.
If you could open up his brain and scoop out the most elaborate sucking invention that he’s yet to develop because it requires the discovery of some strange new alien power source to amplify its suckery…
…you would still suck more than that machine.
And you need to admit that you suck that badly. Only by admitting that you suck can you begin to trod the path of the non-sucky.
STEP 2 – Identify Why You Suck
There are so many reasons why you could possibly suck. Every sucky person is like a special sucktabulous snowflake. No two suckholes are alike.
But based on the real life stories of some of the suckos I’ve brought back from the brink of sucking, here are some of the most common reasons why people suck:
- You’re that sucker who has convinced himself that spending his entire paycheck on lottery tickets is “an investment.” YOU SUCK!
- You are that suck face who still lives with your grandma because you have convinced yourself that you could move out any time if you wanted to but you’re just too good of a grandson to abandon her. Shut up. Your grandmother hates your guts and prays to Jesus every night that one day you will leave her in peace so that she can just have one moment to touch herself to Dick Van Dyke’s masculine tour de force on Diagnosis Murder before she dies of embarrassment of how badly her grandson sucks. YOU SUCK!
- You’ve given up on finding a relationship and instead have bonded with a pillow you drew a face on. Well, I admire your initiative to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear but even so…YOU SUCK!
- You are an adult and you spend ridiculous amounts of time criticizing Hollywood executives for failing to live up to the standards you have for movies about your favorite comic book characters without ever realizing that you’re not the target demographic…BECAUSE MOVIES ABOUT JACKASSES IN TIGHTS AND CAPES ARE MEANT FOR CHILDREN AND YES, BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER, YOU SUCK!
You need to find that kernel of suck that is making your life suck and isolate it before it sucks up your life any more you big bag of suck.
STEP 3 – Develop a Plan to Stop Sucking
It’s not enough to figure out why you suck. You need to also determine how it will be possible for you to not suck anymore.
- Stop pining over your sucky ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Did they leave you because they sucked? Then good riddance. No one wants to be around sucky people because it’s too easy to catch their second hand suck. Did they leave you because you suck? Oh well. You live and learn…to not suck. There’s no use crying over spilled suck so decide you won’t suck any more and when you’re no longer a sucker, you’ll land a ton of hot ass babes like me, Vinny B.
- Stop chain smoking, binge eating, compulsive gambling, habitual shopping, prostitute fraternizing, getting spanked by women in furry animal costumes, farting on midgets or whatever other depraved suckfest you’re into. If you have to ask if the activity that you are into sucks, then it sucks. Stop doing things that make you suck.
- Tune out the suck filled world for an hour a day and take a walk to contemplate how to navigate your way around the obstacles in your life that make you feel like you want to suck.
- Say goodbye to people who suck. Otherwise, it is too easy to succumb to peer suck pressure.
- Meditate and repeat a mantra such as, “Ommm…ommm…I will not suck…ommm…”
- Leave post-it notes around your house, in your car and on your desk to remind yourself not to suck. Life moves at a rapid pace, after all, and if we don’t leave ourselves visual cues to not suck, then it is too easy to forget to not suck and revert back to our reflexive, default sucky natures.
STEP 4 – Don’t Suck Anymore
You have admitted that you suck.
You have figured out why you suck.
You have developed a plan to stop sucking.
Now, the fourth and final step. Follow that plan to the letter and refuse to suck anymore.
Believe me. It isn’t easy.
Inside your mind there is a little negative suck bag voice crying out for you to suck.
- You know that extra slice of pizza will make your butt grow bigger than a barcalounger, but that suck voice in your head tells you to eat it anyway. Don’t do it. You’ll suck.
- You know that unclean person you just met in the bar is going to give you herpes with a capital H. Don’t go home with said person anyway. Herpes suck.
- The idea to buy some ridiculously expensive piece of crap that you’ll never use pops into your head. Ignore it. You don’t need it. High credit card bills suck.
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and it pains me to see so many sucky suckbags in the world. You don’t need to suck for one more day and if you follow my advice, you’ll never suck again.
And don’t forget, my series of anti-suck self-help books are available in one collection for the low, low price of $99.99 wherever books that don’t suck are sold.
Buy them all today or else…you suck!