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Feb 25 2018
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Movies

Movie Review – Battle of the Sexes (2017)

Men vs. Women…and a naked man holding a tennis racquet!

BQB here with a review of “Battle of the Sexes.”

It’s the 1970s and women’s lib is all the rage.  Women are burning their bras as tools of oppression against their jugs and telling men to make their own sandwiches.  Really, it was anarchy.

Amidst this backdrop, tennis legend Billie Jean King (Emma Stone) becomes a feminist folk hero when she defies tennis great Jack Kramer (Bill Pullman) by leaving the already established women’s tennis league and leading fellow female players to create their own, all over a pay dispute as women players were paid much less than their male counterparts.

Meanwhile, washed up, formerly great tennis pro Bobby Riggs is now in his mid-fifties.  He’s found a new life with a beautiful and rich wife Priscilla (Elizabeth Shue who, sidenote, gave this reviewer one of his first boners and continues to do so even though she’s getting up there in years).

You’d think that would be enough, but Bobby is bored.  He misses his heyday, a time where he drank, partied, lived it up and gambled…so much gambling.  Unlucky for Bobby, Priscilla does not approve of his gambling and has made it known that he needs to either settle down or lose her.

Long story short, Bobby, seeking a second chance at fame and fortune, challenges Billie Jean to a “battle of the sexes” – man vs. woman on the tennis court.  He hams it up for screen, telling women they need to get back in the kitchen, make his dinner, etc.

I won’t spoil it any further but suffice to say, good writing usually makes the audience root for both opponents.  Billie Jean feels she can’t stand idly by as this dummy makes a mockery of the women’s lib movement.  As for Bobby, what begins as a chance to grab the attention he craves turns into a quest to prove this his wife that it’s ok for him to gamble and live large and engage in get rich quick schemes because he’s really, really good at them.  Bobby makes this point known at a Gambler’s Anonymous meeting where he tells a bunch of down and out degenerates that their problem isn’t that they’re gamblers but that they are bad gamblers.  Bobby’s schemes make money and therefore he thinks he should be acclaimed as a hustler, not a mere gambler.

SIDENOTE: Sarah Silverman turned my head as Billie Jean’s manager, Gladys.  If Sarah could drop the whole “I say dirty things in a sweet voice” act (as she does here), there might be bigger roles in more serious films for her.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Between Billie Jean wanting to be accepted by the public without having to keep her sexual preference a secret and Bobby wanting to be accepted by his wife as the larger than life big mouthed baller that he is, the movie has a lot to say about the boxes life places us in, how we have to do backflips to prove ourselves and get out of them and overall, wouldn’t it be great if the world we just let us all live as we choose?

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Feb 18 2018
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Movie Review – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (2017)

An angry woman’s descent into madness!  A total dick’s redemption!

BQB here with a review of “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.”

Seven months after the rape and murder of her daughter, Mildred (Frances McDormand) provides the town’s police department with a sign (actually, three) of her displeasure in their handling of the case.

In doing so, she calls out Chief Willoughby (Woody Harrelson) by name, much to the anger of the townsfolk who love this pillar of the community.

As the conflict ensues, Mildred’s righteous anger causes her to engage in increasingly worse activity.

Meanwhile, Officer Dixon (Sam Rockwell), a total douche of a human being, locks horns with Mildred due to his loyalty to Willoughby.  Along the way, his behavior gets better.

Thus, the main questions of the film.  Is it possible for a grieving mother to go too far in the name of righting a wrong?  Is it possible for a man who has been horrible his whole life to redeem himself in a single act of bravery?

The movie is definitely unique in its ability to weave drama with dark, dark, incredibly dark (nearly pitch black) comedy.  At times, there are plot holes.  Frankly, one wonders how Dixon and Mildred are able to get away with all the mayhem they cause as their bitter feud unfolds.

I’ve heard some negative reviews from movie critics, but I enjoyed it and found it to be a good study of the difficulties of the human condition, how life is difficult, how we often think we need to do things to “get even” before we can move on but how those things rarely improve a bad situation.

While “Darkest Hour,” in my opinion, tells a historically important lesson about resilience against an enemy, I think “Three Billboards” is the most moving film I’ve seen out of the Oscar nominated pack.

Still, they’ll probably give the gold to the film about the fish fucker.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Rent it today.

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Feb 14 2018
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Movie Review – Darkest Hour (2017)

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

BQB here with a review of “Darkest Hour.”

You know 3.5 readers, modern politics suck.  They’re messy and brutish, a blood sport on all sides.  Amidst all this kerfluffle, where is the man who is willing to stand up, not for what is popular, but for what is right?  Where is the man who is willing to slap his balls down on the table and be prepared to lose them to the naysayers if they’re proven right?

Sigh.  That man (or woman) is working the drive-thru at Arby’s or some such bullshit, because let’s face it, people without polish and pizzazz (or money) can’t get a foot through the political door these days.

Luckily, such wasn’t the case for Sir Winston Churchill.  An old mumbler who looked like a bald bull dog, he drank to excess, took most meetings in his bathrobe, and chain smoked cigars and drank bottles upon bottles of booze all day long.  Moody, unpolished, rude, but he had balls.  Oh, how he had balls.

Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain (Ronald Pickup) sought peace with Hitler.  The result?  At the start of the film, Hitler’s armies stand ready to overrun Belgium and take over France, where, without intervention, they’ll push British forces into the sea at Dunkirk, effectively ending the UK’s ability to defend itself.

It’s a hopeless situation and the political types in parliament are more interested in saving their careers than the nation.  No one even wants the position of Prime Minister now, as defeat seems imminent and no one wants to go down as the leader who handed England over to Germany.

Thus, Churchill, who had long been the lonely canary in the coal mine, warning England and the rest of the Europe that Hitler was up to some serious shit and he should met not with appeasement but early attacks before he gets too far, is placed in charge.

Chamberlain and Viscount Halifax (Stephen Dillane or Roose Bolton to “Game of Thrones” fans) want to double down on a new attempt to appease Hitler, oblivious to the fact that earlier attempts to satiate the Nazis just made them that much stronger.

Together, they make moves to force Churchill into peace talks, putting the bulldog into a grave position.  The 25,000 lives he lost under his military command years earlier weigh heavily on him, and the prospects of victory against a war machine that has conquered the rest of the continent seem grim.

Ultimately, it’s up to Churchill to make some tough choices and outfox the foxes in his hen house at their own game.

SPOILER ALERT – because, I mean, it’s history, so you should know already, but Churchill chooses to fight Hitler rather than make a peace.  He’s certain it would be a lame ass peace, one that would leave the swastika flying over Buckingham Palace and a Nazi controlled puppet government running the show.

But it was definitely an unsavory roll of the dice.  Had Germany prevailed, the puppet government would have looked better than a defeated, decimated Britain…and thus Gary Oldman as Churchill gives us a front row seat to how the proverbial sausage is made, how leadership requires the bold to make a tough decision and to stay the course, no matter how far away the light at the end of the tunnel may seem.

Will there be more Churchills in the future?  Honestly, I feel television really screwed our collective political pooch.  As long as elections are decided based on who has the most polish and pizzazz, perfect looks and fabulous hair, the ornery old bald foul mouthed drunk who’s willing to put his balls on the line and to tell the enemy to eat a dick doesn’t stand a chance at election.

Hell, even Churchill didn’t.  Once his big balls one the war, his reward was to be thrown out of office.  But, he was able to walk away knowing he and his balls had stood up for what was right.

Worthy of Oscars all around but will probably lose to the movie about the fish fucker.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Rent it today.  Props to the women behind the man, i.e. his wife Clemmie (Kristin Scott Thomas) who reigned him in and got him to focus on shit.  Meanwhile, scenes with his personal secretary, Elizabeth Layton (Lilly James) who has to undergo the stress of taking Churchill’s cigar smoke cough laden, booze fueled, mumbling rants and putting them into actual words to be typed and dispatched are particularly touching.

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Feb 12 2018
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Movie Review – Hostiles (2017)

Christian Bale…so moody…basically playing himself.

BQB here with a review of “Hostiles.”

I love a good Western.  The general movie going public doesn’t, but I appreciate it whenever Hollywood gives me one just the same.

In 1892, Captain Joseph Blocker (Bale) is nearing retirement as one of the U.S. Army’s most notorious Native American killers.  He is firm in his belief that his actions were justified, and can recite countless tales of horror perpetrated against settlers.

Meanwhile, Chief Yellow Hawk (Wes Studi) is a prisoner at the Army fort in New Mexico, where Blocker is stationed.  He’s one of the West’s most notorious killers of settlers and he can recite countless tales of horror perpetrated against his people.

In short, both men feel they were justified and yet, you guessed it…road trip!  (Horse trip?)  The Chief, due to his old age, is granted a pardon and Blocker is ordered to escort his longtime enemy to his ancestral homeland in Montana.

The setup seems intriguing enough.  Blocker and Yellow Hawk are not friends, yet they’ll need to come to an understanding because the Comanche are nearby and as Yellow Hawk warns, they don’t discriminate and will kill natives and settlers alike.

But alas, from there, the story wanders.  Rosamund Pike enters the picture as a widow who lost her family to a Comanche attack.  Various subplots ensue – a sergeant who has lost his faith, an African American corporal who is grateful that Blocker treats him as an equal, a prisoner who argues that Blocker is just as guilty as he is, and so on.

“Pick a plot already!” That’s what I found myself saying half-way through the film.  While there is sporadic, gruesome action, there are long periods of hum drum, drawn out talking.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy, but I’d say wait to rent it.  It runs at least a half-hour too long.  There were various parts where I was like, “Oh here’s a good part where it could end and…oh, no…it’s still going.”  No one needs to sit in a stiff movie theater seat for that.

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Feb 11 2018
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Movie Review – American Assassin (2017)

Guns! Bombs!  Treachery and intrigue!

BQB here with a review of “American Assassin.”

It’s not easy to take a popular book series and bring it to life on the big screen.  While Tom Cruise’s efforts to breathe cinematic life into Lee Child’s “Jack Reacher” have fizzled (watch one and it feels like an extended episode of “Law and Order”) there appears to be hope for the late Vince Flynn’s Mitch Rapp character.  Flynn left the world much too young, but Mitch lives on.

In this film, Dylan O’Brien stars as Rapp, a happy go lucky graduate student whose life is changed for the worst when his girlfriend is shot during a terrorist attack on a beach resort.  Trading in text books for knives and martial arts training, Mitch sets out to take on terrorists all by himself only to be recruited by the CIA and given formal training by the gruffy and surly Stan Hurley (Michael Keaton, back as part of the Keaton-aissance.)

Rapp is a walking contradiction and difficult to control.  He’s got a personal grudge, a fact that the CIA believes it can exploit in the form of an agent who can be pushed to the brink.  On the other hand, the personal grudge means he doesn’t take orders and is willing to put the mission at risk, which causes Mitch and Hurley to lock horns often.

Ultimately, Mitch will be forced to face Ghost, a former trainee of Stan’s who went rogue. If you’re a nerd, you might see the Stan as Obi Wan, Ghost as Darth Vader and Mitch as Luke Skywalker parallel.

Many thrillers are satisfying on the page only to come out as blah on screen, but I think Hollywood has something here in the form of a young, angry American anti-James Bond character.

Let me put it this way.  I’ll probably watch “American Assassin 2” before “Jack Reacher 3.”

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Feb 05 2018
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Movie Review – The Shape of Water (2017)

If there’s a better movie out there about a woman who fucks a fish monster, I’ve yet to see it.

BQB here with a review of the Oscar front runner, “The Shape of Water.”

I don’t think the line above counts as a spoiler.  If you check out the poster for this film, it shows a woman locked in a passionate embrace with a fish man sooo…I mean I don’t know about you, but when I saw that my immediate reaction was to realize that this movie was probably going to feature some human on fish man fucking.

Beyond that, I can’t begin to discuss this film without mentioning SPOILERS so if you don’t want to read SPOILERS then don’t read on below.   SPOILERS!!!

Here’s the deal, 3.5 readers.  I’ve been a movie buff for as long as I can remember.  I have seen so many movies that I deserve an honorary degree in film studies.

I’m usually able to collect my thoughts after I see a film…but I’m not sure what I saw here.

It was good.  I’m just unclear as to the point of it all.

Sally Hawkins and Octavia Spencer play Elisa and Zelda, a duo of cleaning ladies who keep a top secret 1960s Cold War era research facility spotless.  They dust satellites and clean bizarre machines and are aware that their continued employment (and freedom) requires them to keep their mouths shut about anything they see.

That’s easy for Elisa as she’s mute – unable to speak.  Elisa lives on the periphery of life, always enjoy movies and television, which she watches with her elderly, unemployed neighbor, a mopey ex-advertising artist named Giles (Richard Jenkins.)

Elisa is content to stick with the same old life until she learns that one of the lab’s test subjects, a fish man comparable in appearance to “the Creature from the Black Lagoon” is regularly tortured by Strickland, a clandestine CIA type played by Michael Shannon.

Long story short, Elisa feels sorry for the fish monster, so she enlists Zelda and Giles to participate in an breakout scheme.

And then once the creature is free, he and Elisa fuck.  Oh my God.  There is so much fish monster on human woman fucking its crazy really.

Sooo…I’m unsure of a number of things.  My first thought is surely this film, about a woman who falls in love with and fucks a fish man, must be a dark comedy.  The Academy never touches sci-fi, but the film makes use of typical French romance music, so one is left to wonder if this is all just a parody of classic romance films, but instead of two French people who lose their ennui after they meet, this is about….human on fish man fucking.

There are definitely dark comedy undertones yet there is a lot of drama and in many parts, a serious tone.  What exactly is the overall theme?  The best I was able to come up with is that it is very difficult to find true love so when you find it, you must embrace it, even if you and your partner have differences – say, differences in race, religion, background…or you know, if one of you is a human and one of you is a fish man.

From a writer’s standpoint, I am amazed.  I write so many outlandish, ridiculous, absurd things but never once would I dream of having a woman and a fish monster get it on.  Honestly, take out the French romance music and some of the dramatic flourishes and serious scenes and this movie could double as an April Fool’s episode of the X-Files where the producers decide to let their hair down and be silly.

Meanwhile, Michael Shannon is skilled at playing psychos and he excels here.  This is his best performance since “Boardwalk Empire.”  I was left to believe that he really wanted to apprehend the fish man at all costs and was not moved by the romantic undertones of human on fish man coitus.

Jenkins also deserves recognition.  I bought him as a sad sack whose only friend is Elisa and thus he’s willing to do anything to retain her friendship.  By the way, don’t get old because if a woman has to choose between an old man and a fish man, she will choose the sushi penis every time.  Scaly balls, yes.  Wrinkly balls, no.

Is it worth an Oscar?  I mean, I enjoyed it, I had a good time, it did make me think about love and how it can bloom in the strangest places under the most unexpected circumstances.

Is it better than the other nominees?  I’ll have to think about that one, though I’ll note that at this point, I really just want the news to be talking about how a movie about a woman who fucks a fish man was made best picture and to the best of my knowledge, none of the other films feature a woman banging a fish man.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  If you ever figure out what it’s about, tell me.

 

 

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Jan 16 2018
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Movie Review – The Foreigner (2017)

This movie is…da bomb!

Ha…what? Nothing?

:::crickets:::

OK, moving on.  BQB here with a review of “The Foreigner.”

Jackie Chan has still got his fists of fury after all these years.  Here, he plays Quan, a restaurant owner/immigrant living in London.  When his daughter is among the many killed in an IRA terrorist attack, Quan goes to work in a rage fueled vendetta, setting bombs of his own and taking down anyone who stands between him and what he wants, i.e. the names of the terrorists responsible.

Liam Hennessy, an ex-IRA big shot turned Irish politician (honestly, I never quite figured out what his official title was but he’s an official minister of some kind) becomes the number one name on Quan’s shit list. While Liam was a bloodthirsty supporter of the IRA cause in his early years, he claims to have since reformed, gone legit, and fights for peace.  Is he bad?  Has he changed his ways?  Your guess is good as mine.

It’s cool to see Jackie back in action though I have to admit, it’s Brosnan that carries the movie.  In Jackie’s glory days, he would usually work with a comedic sidekick (i.e. Owen Wilson in “Shanghai Noon” or Chris Tucker in “Rush Hour.”  Often, his movies would involve myth, magic, fantasy or comedy so it was interesting to see him play a more realistic character.  Ultimately, he becomes an Asian version of Charles Bronson’s “Deathwish” character, a modern day Paul Kersey out for revenge.  These bombers messed with the wrong father.

STATUS: Solid action thriller. Shelf-worthy.

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Jan 15 2018
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Movie Review – The Commuter (2018)

He’s got a set of skills…that include riding on a train.

BQB here with a review of “The Commuter.”

Liam Neeson’s tough guy using his skills action movie phase continues to go strong and up front, I have to admit that out of all of the post “Taken” movies that still tried to capitalize on that, this one is the best.  Overall, it’s better than what you usually might expect to see in the dull, dreary month of January.

Liam stars as Michael, an ex-cop who got tired of the corruption and became an insurance salesman.  For the past ten years, he’s been a passenger on the same commuter train.  Everyday, it’s the same routine, day in, day out, where he does the same thing at the same time, and always passes by the same fellow commuters.

Alas, one day his ride home is not so routine.  A mysterious woman ( the ever boner inducing Vera Farmiga) approaches him and forces him to do her dirty work, namely, there is someone on the train her evil bosses want found and it is up to Michael to find this person…or else!

Admittedly, the plot is a little thin.  At times, Vera and her mysterious associates are able to watch and manipulate Michael so much from the shadows that one is left to believe that they probably had the power to find the person they want all along without disturbing an insurance salesman.

Still, there are some cool scenes.  There’s a montage at the beginning where Michael does the same various tasks everyday in different clothes to show the monotony of commuter life (get there everyday at the same time and do the same thing.)  There’s also a pretty cool fight scene between Michael and a would-be assassin.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Liam’s still got it after all these years.  “Breaking Bad” fans will be happy to see Jonathan Banks in a small role.

 

 

 

 

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Jan 14 2018
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Movie Review – The Polka King (2018)

Ziggy Zaggy Ziggy Zaggy, Oi Oi Oi!

Grab your accordion and hold onto your wallet, 3.5 readers.  BQB here with a review of “The Polka King.”

Netflix is at it again, adding a new film to its repertoire, this time a comedy biopic of Jan Lewan, the Polka King of Pennsylvania who built his empire on a Ponzi scheme.  SPOILERS abound in this review.  I mean, it’s based on a real life case, though honestly, I’d never heard of it until I saw this film.

Jack Black plays the titular character.  At first, Lewan’s story is the stuff that the American dream is made of.  He was an immigrant from Poland who moves to America, works every disgusting job there is, from janitor to dishwasher.  In time, he marries Marla (Jenny Slate) and starts a polka band.  Regular polka shows become the go-to event in town and Lewan capitalizes on the publicity to promote a variety of business enterprises, from a Polish gift shop to a guided European tour business.

On the surface, it all seems too good to be true.  Loving wife, adorable son, a business empire based on his love of Polka music and even a grammy nomination.  Alas, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

To fund his various ventures, Jan takes “investments” in the form of promissory notes from his adoring fans, all who love and trust him.  Lewan is charming and affable.  He oozes positive energy, helps people find the best possible version of themselves and is considered a pillar of his community.  Unfortunately, this causes his investors to keep dumping money into his enterprise, money that he doesn’t have a chance at paying back.

In truth, Jan’s businesses aren’t making money at all.  They are more or less fronts for an increasingly complicated “rob Peter to pay Paul” operation.  Jan offers his investors a ridiculous, unheard of 12 percent rate of return, but rather than pay them back with money he has actually earned, he just keeps borrowing money from new dupes, and uses the newly borrowed notes to pay back the older ones.  In short, he was the Madoff of Polka.

Jack Black does well in this role and brings a lot of heart to it.  In the film, Jan comes across as a bit of a naïve fool, a dummy who thought it was perfectly fine to keep borrowing and borrowing into infinity.  At least, he appears that way at first, but as the film moves on, he delves deeper and deeper into more treacherous behavior.  Fame and success are like drugs.  He wants to be popular and famous and loved and the constant borrowing allows that to happen.

My main criticism is there is a lot of focus on how Lewan suffers as a result of his scheme.  True, I’m sure he did suffer but to be fair, the film might have shined more light on how his scheme hurt others, especially elderly retirees who trusted Jan with their life savings.  At one point, an elderly couple who lost their money is made out as if they are villains for hating on Lewan (i.e. Lewan’s mother-in-law shouts at them that they were greedy for thinking a 12 percent return on an investment could ever be real.)  It may be true that people who would give tons of money to a Polka player in the hopes of a huge payday aren’t too bright but at the same time, Lewan was lovable and came off as trustworthy so at the end of the day, Lewan was wrong for taking advantage of the trust placed in him.

Jenny Slate is great as Marla, Lewan’s beauty queen wife who stands by her man at first but over time, seeks to have her own piece of the pie, to have her own fame and fortune.  Jacki Weaver stars as Lewan’s battle axe mother-in-law who is irritatingly yet accurately vocal about her suspicions regarding Lewan’s business dealings.

Jason Schwartzmann rounds out the cast as Lewan’s friend and band mate, Mickey Pizzazz, a buddy who is torn.  He’s grateful to Lewan for saving him from a lifetime of working at Radio Shack by giving him a job as a musician that pays a living wage, but at the same time, he suspects chicanery.

Ironically, J.B. Smoove, the comedian known for playing larger than life, “Don’t give a F” characters like Leon on “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” serves as the voice of reason in this film.  Smoove plays Ron Edwards, a securities and exchange commission agent who initially lets Lewan off with a warning in the early days of the scheme when it could all be cast aside as a simple misunderstanding only to hunt him down when his operation blows up.  While I would hate to see Smoove drop his comedy, this turn shows he does have some range and could be tapped to play more serious characters in the future.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Jan 07 2018
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BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – The Producers (2005)

Springtime…for Hitler…in Germany!

abustany-movie-reel-800px

BQB here with a review of Mel Brooks’ “The Producers.”  FYI, there was a 1960s movie that I haven’t seen yet (starring Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel), a 2005 movie version starring Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick I did see and of course, a Broadway play I was never lucky enough to see.

In short, this story has been around forever, but if you want to avoid spoilers, then look away.

Mel Brooks is the funniest man in show business and he parodies everything.  “Blazing Saddles” was a sendup of Western flicks that were very popular up until like the late 1970s.  “Spaceballs” poked fun of “Star Wars” so naturally, when Brooks had the chance to produce a Broadway play, he made fun of Broadway.

Max Bialystock was once, as he song goes, “The King of Old Broadway.”  He laments that he used to have the best of everything, but now he’s a bum who hasn’t had a hit in years.  The critics rip him apart, pointing out that at the end of his musical version of Hamlet, “everyone is dead and they were the lucky ones.”

Bialystock meets uptight, super anxious accountant Leopold Bloom (Matthew Broderick)who poses a hypothesis, namely, that a producer could make more money with a flop than a hit.  In other words, Max has had a long history of swindling little old ladies out of their money, convincing them to invest in his plays that always tank.  However, if the show was so awful that it tanked on opening night, he could just walk away with the money.

Uma Thurman rounds out the cast as Ulla, the super hot Swedish babe who just knocks on Bialystock’s door one day, hoping to become a star.

The duo sets out to find the worst play ever written and find “Springtime for Hitler” penned by a Nazi enthusiast (Will Ferrell).  The boys hope the play will be so offensive that it will close opening night but alas, when the audience sees a flamboyantly gay Hitler mincing about stage, they take it as a hilarious parody and the show becomes a blockbuster smash.

As Bialystock laments, “Where did we go right?”

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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