Tag Archives: musicals

Angel of Death: The Jack Kevorkian Musical

SONG TITLE: The Angel of Death

(Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the notorious proponent of assisted suicide, hooks up a little old lady to a machine.  The machine is attached to a series of IV bags filled with deadly drugs.)

OLD LADY: Let me have it, doc!  I can’t take it anymore!

DR. KEVORKIAN: Don’t worry, ma’am.  In just a few minutes, you’ll be stone cold dead.

OLD LADY: Hooray!

(The police break in.)

KEVORKIAN: What’s the meaning of this?

(Everyone breaks into song.)

COP: Dr. Kevorkian, you’re an enemy of the state!

KEVORKIAN: Just wait!

COP: Dr. Kevorkian!  You’re killing people without a single care!

KEVORKIAN:  That’s not fair!

COP: Dr. Kevorkian, oh what, oh what will we do?  What will we ever do, with a dangerous reprobate such as you?

OLD LADY:  I’ll tell you what to do.  You should let this man go because he’s an angel…an angel of death.   Yes, he’s trying to kill me but that’s fine with me because I can no longer wait until my dying breath!  I’m filled with so much pain!

COP:  Lady, it’s just a sprain!

OLD LADY:  But it hurts to no end.

COP: Give it a day and you’ll be on the mend.

OLD LADY:  Who are you to say how much pain I’m required to comprehend?  This doctor is an angel…an angel of death!

COP:  This is chaos!  This is strange!  People deciding when to die is utterly deranged.  Sure you’re filled sorrow, but it might all turn around tomorrow, don’t you want to stick around and wait it out?

OLD LADY: No, I want to die, I’ve carefully thought it out!

COP: Ma’am, I doubt any of us are going to a better place.  Darkness is the only thing that we have to face.  Surely, if there’s more time for you in this world, you should seek it.

OLD LADY:  Meh! You can keep it.

COP: Kevorkian!  You’ve killed a bunch of old ladies, what do you have to say?

KEVORKIAN:  They’re all better off dead, if they were alive, they’d be suffering to day!  Oh diseases for which there are no cure, there’s only one thing left to do.  We’ll put down a dog, we’ll step on a frog, but a dying old person we’ll leave them for years to rot through and through….

COP:  I…I never thought I’d see it your way!  You’re an Angel of Death and you ease suffering and keep pain at bay.  Tell me doctor, will you kill my old mother without fail?

KEVORKIAN:  What makes her ail?

COP: The old bitch has a hang nail!

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Dahmer! (The Musical)

Moving on with our inappropriate musical series:

SONG TITLE: Eat My Friends

(Jeffrey Dahmer is surrounded by a number of people who leer at him.  They all break out into song.)

RANDOM MAN:  He’s a weirdo!  He’s a bum!

RANDOM WOMAN: He looks like he never has fun!

RANDOM MAN 2:  He wears window pane glasses that scare us off our asses!

RANDOM WOMAN 2: He drinks scotch in the middle of the day!  What more do we have to say?

ENTIRE CHORUS:  Come on! Let’s run away!

(Dahmer looks up and cries.  He pulls a power drill and a paper mache head out of a duffel bag.)

DAHMER:  Why?!  Oh why do they all run away?

Frightened by my appearance before they hear what I have to say!

I’ve come up with the only way – to make them stay!

Yes, on my happiness this idea depends!

And that is why I’ll eat my friends!

(DAHMER revs up the drill.)

I’ll drill a hole…

(A new CHORUS returns.  Each CHORUS member represents a different voice inside DAHMER’s head.)

CHORUS: He’ll drill a hole!

DAHMER: Inside their heads…

CHORUS: Inside their heads!

DAHMER: And surely that won’t make anyone dead!

CHORUS: No it won’t!

DAHMER: Upon this action, the police will surely frown, but I can tell you, this is all very medically sound!

CHORUS:  Of course!

DAHMER:  If no one will be a friend to me, then I’ll drill their heads until they become zombies!  They’ll cater to my every demand! They’ll obey all my commands!

CHORUS:  And if that fails?

DAHMER:  Then I’ll eat ’em.


DAHMER: Fella, eat your friends, it’s the only way to keep a compadre or a pal.

Fella, eat your friends.  Nothing could be sour when you devour your bosom buddy or your favorite gal!

Oh, I’m going to eat all my friends, oh why, oh why can’t you see?  A friend can’t get any closer to you than when they’re deep inside your belly!

Oh, I’m going to eat all my friends, fry them up in a pan!  Add some salt, but just a smidge!  Put the leftovers in my fridge…oh yes, I tell you yes, I’ll eat my friends!

CHORUS:  Jeffy, are you really, are you really going to eat your friends?

DAHMER: You know it!

CHORUS: Are you going to filet them sautee them and eat them up from head to thighs?

DAHMER:  Hell, I think I’ll serve them up with curly fries!  Oh why, oh why can’t you see?  There’s nothing tastier, nothing more delicious to me!  I can’t think a better way of time to spend…then dicing and slicing and grilling up a friend!

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Inappropriate Musicals – Balls of Glory: The John Wayne Bobbitt Story – Act 2

SONG TITLE: “Where Is It?”

(John Wayne Bobbitt wakes up.  He gets out of bed, stretches and yawns.  He breaks out into song.)


Something’s missing…

(A chorus of neighborhood men flood the room.)


Don’t you hate that feeling?  Is it under the bed?  Is it stuck to the ceiling?


What did I loose?  Is it my keys?  Is it my shoes?


Something isn’t right!  What a terrible fright!


I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m feeling very indignant.  Something’s amiss.  Something is wrong.  Something feels so different.


Did you lose your wallet?  We think we saw in on the coffee table!


No, it’s not that, but I just feel so unstable.


Did you lose your day planner?  We think you dropped it on the stairs.


No.  This has caught me unawares.


How frightful to know that something is gone, but to not know what is missing…

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT heads to the bathroom, lifts up the toilet seat and drops his pants.)


Oh well, maybe I’ll figure it out while I’m pissing.  AAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT returns to the bedroom.)


Where is it?


Where is what?


My penis! My Johnson!  My cock!


It’s not there?!


No sirs, right now I’m wearing empty underwear.


It’s probably the last place you left it.


Could it be in the kitchen?  Could it be in the sink?  I’m sorry that I’m bitchin’ but it’s enough to make a man drink?


Where, oh where is your best pal?  That is what we must know!

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT looks around.)


Hey!  Did anyone see Lorena go?

(A knock at the door.  BOBBITT opens it.  A police officer hold up a plastic bag.)


Sir, is this yours?


Why, yes!  Where did it go?  It’s never left me before!


We need to get you to a doctor.  See if it can be sewn back on.


My God!  Will it ever work again?  Will an erection it ever yield?


I have no idea.  We found it at the edge of an abandoned field.


But officer! Please, tell me!  Will it ever produce a load?


What do I look like?  A dick scientist?  It was just lying there on the side of the road!




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Inappropriate Musicals – Balls of Glory: The John Wayne Bobbitt Story – Act 1


(It’s the 1990s.  An enraged Lorena Bobbitt enters her bedroom to find her husband fast asleep.  She raises her hands.  She’s holding a man’s shirt with a lipstick stained collar in one hand and a butcher’s knife in the other.  She breaks out in song.)

SONG TITLE: “Chop it Off”


He cheated…again!

(Chorus girls fill the stage, all dressed like neighborhood housewives.)


He cheated again!  Why, oh why can’t you see?


That he had carnal relations with someone other than me?




My eyes are open now!  It’s clear what I have to do!


Get in the car and leave him now!  For divorce you’ll have to sue!


I’ll make it so he can never, cheat on me again!  I’ll separate him from, his tiny little friend!

(LORENA raises the butcher’s knife.)


Um…no we were just thinking, that you could just take all his money in court.  Make him open his wallet, but to be violent is to be a bad sport.


But if he goes to court he’ll find another woman.  He’ll cheat on that poor girl too.  No, to end this vicious cycle, there’s only one thing left to do.

(LORENA belts out a showstopper.)

Oh…I’m going to….CHOP IT OFF!


No, this plan will surely fail!


Yes, I’m going to chop it off!


Think of the headlines!  Think of jail!


I’ll be a hero to every woman who ever got the jilt.  Now you can chop off your husband’s penis, and not feel any guilt!


You should probably feel some guilt.


Yes, I’m going to chop it off!  Nobody can stop me now!  Oh, I’m going to chop it off!  I’m going to shout it loud!

(LORENA walks to the bed, raises the knife.  Stage goes dark.)




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Inappropriate Musicals

Hi 3.5 readers.  I’ve decided I’m going to write inappropriate musicals for awhile.  If anyone from Broadway is interested, let me know.  If you have an inappropriate topic for a musical, please share.

First up – Bobbitt!

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BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – The Producers (2005)

Springtime…for Hitler…in Germany!


BQB here with a review of Mel Brooks’ “The Producers.”  FYI, there was a 1960s movie that I haven’t seen yet (starring Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel), a 2005 movie version starring Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick I did see and of course, a Broadway play I was never lucky enough to see.

In short, this story has been around forever, but if you want to avoid spoilers, then look away.

Mel Brooks is the funniest man in show business and he parodies everything.  “Blazing Saddles” was a sendup of Western flicks that were very popular up until like the late 1970s.  “Spaceballs” poked fun of “Star Wars” so naturally, when Brooks had the chance to produce a Broadway play, he made fun of Broadway.

Max Bialystock was once, as he song goes, “The King of Old Broadway.”  He laments that he used to have the best of everything, but now he’s a bum who hasn’t had a hit in years.  The critics rip him apart, pointing out that at the end of his musical version of Hamlet, “everyone is dead and they were the lucky ones.”

Bialystock meets uptight, super anxious accountant Leopold Bloom (Matthew Broderick)who poses a hypothesis, namely, that a producer could make more money with a flop than a hit.  In other words, Max has had a long history of swindling little old ladies out of their money, convincing them to invest in his plays that always tank.  However, if the show was so awful that it tanked on opening night, he could just walk away with the money.

Uma Thurman rounds out the cast as Ulla, the super hot Swedish babe who just knocks on Bialystock’s door one day, hoping to become a star.

The duo sets out to find the worst play ever written and find “Springtime for Hitler” penned by a Nazi enthusiast (Will Ferrell).  The boys hope the play will be so offensive that it will close opening night but alas, when the audience sees a flamboyantly gay Hitler mincing about stage, they take it as a hilarious parody and the show becomes a blockbuster smash.

As Bialystock laments, “Where did we go right?”

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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