Tag Archives: musicals

Inappropriate Musicals – Balls of Glory: The John Wayne Bobbitt Story – Act 2

SONG TITLE: “Where Is It?”

(John Wayne Bobbitt wakes up.  He gets out of bed, stretches and yawns.  He breaks out into song.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Something’s missing…

(A chorus of neighborhood men flood the room.)

CHORUS:

Don’t you hate that feeling?  Is it under the bed?  Is it stuck to the ceiling?

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

What did I loose?  Is it my keys?  Is it my shoes?

CHORUS:

Something isn’t right!  What a terrible fright!

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m feeling very indignant.  Something’s amiss.  Something is wrong.  Something feels so different.

CHORUS:

Did you lose your wallet?  We think we saw in on the coffee table!

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

No, it’s not that, but I just feel so unstable.

CHORUS:

Did you lose your day planner?  We think you dropped it on the stairs.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

No.  This has caught me unawares.

CHORUS:

How frightful to know that something is gone, but to not know what is missing…

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT heads to the bathroom, lifts up the toilet seat and drops his pants.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Oh well, maybe I’ll figure it out while I’m pissing.  AAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT returns to the bedroom.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Where is it?

CHORUS:

Where is what?

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

My penis! My Johnson!  My cock!

CHORUS:

It’s not there?!

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

No sirs, right now I’m wearing empty underwear.

CHORUS:

It’s probably the last place you left it.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Could it be in the kitchen?  Could it be in the sink?  I’m sorry that I’m bitchin’ but it’s enough to make a man drink?

CHORUS:

Where, oh where is your best pal?  That is what we must know!

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT looks around.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Hey!  Did anyone see Lorena go?

(A knock at the door.  BOBBITT opens it.  A police officer hold up a plastic bag.)

POLICE OFFICER:

Sir, is this yours?

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Why, yes!  Where did it go?  It’s never left me before!

POLICE OFFICER:

We need to get you to a doctor.  See if it can be sewn back on.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

My God!  Will it ever work again?  Will an erection it ever yield?

POLICE OFFICER:

I have no idea.  We found it at the edge of an abandoned field.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

But officer! Please, tell me!  Will it ever produce a load?

POLICE OFFICER:

What do I look like?  A dick scientist?  It was just lying there on the side of the road!

 

 

 

Advertisements
Tagged ,

Inappropriate Musicals – Balls of Glory: The John Wayne Bobbitt Story – Act 1

ACT I

(It’s the 1990s.  An enraged Lorena Bobbitt enters her bedroom to find her husband fast asleep.  She raises her hands.  She’s holding a man’s shirt with a lipstick stained collar in one hand and a butcher’s knife in the other.  She breaks out in song.)

SONG TITLE: “Chop it Off”

LORENA BOBBITT:

He cheated…again!

(Chorus girls fill the stage, all dressed like neighborhood housewives.)

CHORUS:

He cheated again!  Why, oh why can’t you see?

LORENA BOBBITT:

That he had carnal relations with someone other than me?

CHORUS:

Oui!

LORENA BOBBITT:

My eyes are open now!  It’s clear what I have to do!

CHORUS:

Get in the car and leave him now!  For divorce you’ll have to sue!

LORENA BOBBITT:

I’ll make it so he can never, cheat on me again!  I’ll separate him from, his tiny little friend!

(LORENA raises the butcher’s knife.)

CHORUS:

Um…no we were just thinking, that you could just take all his money in court.  Make him open his wallet, but to be violent is to be a bad sport.

LORENA BOBBITT:

But if he goes to court he’ll find another woman.  He’ll cheat on that poor girl too.  No, to end this vicious cycle, there’s only one thing left to do.

(LORENA belts out a showstopper.)

Oh…I’m going to….CHOP IT OFF!

CHORUS:

No, this plan will surely fail!

LORENA BOBBITT:

Yes, I’m going to chop it off!

CHORUS:

Think of the headlines!  Think of jail!

LORENA BOBBITT:

I’ll be a hero to every woman who ever got the jilt.  Now you can chop off your husband’s penis, and not feel any guilt!

CHORUS:

You should probably feel some guilt.

LORENA BOBBITT:

Yes, I’m going to chop it off!  Nobody can stop me now!  Oh, I’m going to chop it off!  I’m going to shout it loud!

(LORENA walks to the bed, raises the knife.  Stage goes dark.)

 

 

 

Tagged , ,

Inappropriate Musicals

Hi 3.5 readers.  I’ve decided I’m going to write inappropriate musicals for awhile.  If anyone from Broadway is interested, let me know.  If you have an inappropriate topic for a musical, please share.

First up – Bobbitt!

Tagged , , , ,

BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – The Producers (2005)

Springtime…for Hitler…in Germany!

abustany-movie-reel-800px

BQB here with a review of Mel Brooks’ “The Producers.”  FYI, there was a 1960s movie that I haven’t seen yet (starring Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel), a 2005 movie version starring Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick I did see and of course, a Broadway play I was never lucky enough to see.

In short, this story has been around forever, but if you want to avoid spoilers, then look away.

Mel Brooks is the funniest man in show business and he parodies everything.  “Blazing Saddles” was a sendup of Western flicks that were very popular up until like the late 1970s.  “Spaceballs” poked fun of “Star Wars” so naturally, when Brooks had the chance to produce a Broadway play, he made fun of Broadway.

Max Bialystock was once, as he song goes, “The King of Old Broadway.”  He laments that he used to have the best of everything, but now he’s a bum who hasn’t had a hit in years.  The critics rip him apart, pointing out that at the end of his musical version of Hamlet, “everyone is dead and they were the lucky ones.”

Bialystock meets uptight, super anxious accountant Leopold Bloom (Matthew Broderick)who poses a hypothesis, namely, that a producer could make more money with a flop than a hit.  In other words, Max has had a long history of swindling little old ladies out of their money, convincing them to invest in his plays that always tank.  However, if the show was so awful that it tanked on opening night, he could just walk away with the money.

Uma Thurman rounds out the cast as Ulla, the super hot Swedish babe who just knocks on Bialystock’s door one day, hoping to become a star.

The duo sets out to find the worst play ever written and find “Springtime for Hitler” penned by a Nazi enthusiast (Will Ferrell).  The boys hope the play will be so offensive that it will close opening night but alas, when the audience sees a flamboyantly gay Hitler mincing about stage, they take it as a hilarious parody and the show becomes a blockbuster smash.

As Bialystock laments, “Where did we go right?”

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

Tagged , , , , ,