Tag Archives: Mystery

Betsy

NAME:  Betsy

Betsy

Betsy

PURPOSE:  Hatcher’s WWII Service Revolver

MAKE/MODEL:  Schotzenhauer P58

NAZIS TERMINATED: 1,000 + (Hatcher stopped counting after 1,000)

MOBSTERS DISPATCHED: 751 (Hatcher took it easy after returning stateside)

SHOTS MISSED: 0

Betsy – she has few lines in the upcoming unnamed blog serial, but when she talks, it counts.

Coming soon to a blog with 3.5 readers near you.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Mr. Devil Man

The Los Angeles Courant

Yesterday’s News Today!

August 7, 1949

MR. DEVIL MAN STRIKES AGAIN!

By:  Stan Clarence, Staff Reporter

Mr. Devil Man claims his sixth victim in six days.

A serial killer on the loose!

LOS ANGELES – Women across the City of Angels are locking their doors and sleeping with one eye open as police sources confirm the notorious murderer dubbed “Mr. Devil Man” has claimed his sixth victim in as many days.

Mrs. Cloris Daniels, 24, was found stabbed to death in the living room of her Sunland home late last evening.  Authorities state her husband, Martin, returned home after a night of billiards only to faint upon viewing the gruesome sight.

“At this time we are able to confirm that Mrs. Daniels matches the description of the previous five victims – brunette, blue eyes, slight build and attractive facial features,” said Capt. Thaddeus Talbot, Los Angeles Police Department, Homicide Division.  “My detectives are working diligently to bring the perpetrator of this heinous crime to justice.”

Meanwhile, brunettes across the county are investing in hair dye.

“LA’s getting a new bevy of blondes,” said Sandra Sawyer, owner and proprietor of the Spotlight Beauty Salon, “As if we didn’t have enough of them around here all ready.”

Ms. Laurent went on to note that hair dye appointments are booked solid through September and the line of ladies hoping for a walk-in is out the door and around the corner.

Peaches Durand

Peaches LeMay

The local press have dubbed the killer “Mr. Devil Man” due to the fact that police reports indicate that at each crime scene, the record of the song of the same name sung by legendary Jazz songstress Peaches LeMay was found playing.

Ms. LeMay’s manager, “Step-Aside” Clyde Russell, said his client is heartbroken that her signature song has become associated with such evil deeds.

“That song was never meant to be anything more than playful,” Russell said.  “It’s about a cat that does his woman wrong so she shows him the door.  Nothing more. Ms. LeMay is sick with grief that her signature hit has been twisted around to be associated with violence.”

Rumors abound that Jake Hatcher, the lead detective on the case, and Ms. LeMay, were once an item in the late 1930’s before the critically acclaimed songbird found fame and fortune.

Asked if said speculation requires Detective Hatcher to recuse himself from the case, Capt. Talbot replied, “Don’t you dregs of humanity have anything better to do?  Get the expletive deleted out of my face and don’t print that I said that!”

 Hatcher has his work cut out for him.  No pun intended.  Coming soon to a blog with 3.5 readers near you.

Killer and singer images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Mickey Finn

Mickey Finn, Hatcher's Ex-Partner

Mickey Finn, Hatcher’s Ex-Partner

Hatcher?

Yeah I know him.  Hell, me and that sonuvabitch go way back.  He’s my old partner, for Chrissakes.

Why?  Who’s askin’?  What’re you, writing a book or somethin’?

Hatch.    “The Boy Scout” we used to call him.  Always did quote unquote “the right thing.”  Refused to take a taste.  Never looked the other way.  Broke down doors like it was his mission in life to right all society’s wrongs.

I use to tell him, “Hatch.  It’s great you want to save the world and all but the world called and it don’t give a shit, so sit back, relax, and have a drink with me, will ya?'”

Ahh, there was nothing I could say to get that guy to take it easy.  Never saw a bigger teetotaler in all my life.  Irony is I hear the bastard drinks like a fish at happy hour now.

Oh…what?  He tell you about that thing with me and his wife?  Jesus H. Christ, is he still harpin’ on that?  For the love of God, that’s ancient history.

Hell, if you ask me, I did Hatch a favor.  If his broad hadn’t been such a shameless hussy, she never would have succumbed to my rapier wit and grandiose charms.  True, few women can resist tearin’ a hunk off this slab of beef but still.  It’s the principle of the thing.

So what? I did what any good friend would do. I gave the gal a floozy test.  She failed with a capital F.  And hey, between you and me she mighta done somethin’ else that starts with “F” too.

Get it?  Huh?  Ahh, you people got no sense of humor.  I’m Mickey Finn, damn it.  I’m the life of the party over here.

Anyhow, if you see Hatcher, tell that lousy old sack of horse manure he needs to forgive and forget.  Now that I have selflessly exposed his old lady as a trollop, he can get to work on finding himself a decent Christian woman, you know what I’m sayin’?

Let’s face it.  That’s what Old Hatch really wants.  A nice pure dame who parks her behind in the first church pew every Sunday and would slap a guy like me in the face before I could say “boo” to her.

You’re welcome, Hatch.

Not like a bum like you would ever thank me.

Mickey Finn – the guy you’ll want to slap in the face.  Coming to the as of yet untitled “Project X” on June 1, right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Guy at card table image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Hatcher’s Problems

shutterstock_254517373Dames.  Can’t live with ’em.  Can’t ship em off to Cucamonga.

There’s a lot of females in Hatcher’s life.  Who’s on the level?  Who’s waiting to stab him in the back?  How can a fella who’s been burnt more times than an empty matchbook ever find love again?

Not that he has much time to worry about it.  Gangsters.  Goons.  Thugs.  A stab happy killer on the loose.  They all want to crack open our resident gumshoe like a piñata and fight over the insides.

On top of all that, he’s a 1955 man living in 2015.

Cell phones?  More baffling to him than Chinese Algebra.

Is the mysterious blonde dame’s offer his dream come true or a nightmare to come?

Life’s got questions.  Hatcher needs the answers.

You’ll even get to ask him some.

Project X – the special mystery project being worked on by Bookshelf Q. Battler – due out Jun 1 as another blog serial on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Detective image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Project X – A Sneak Peak

Coming to the Bookshelf Battle Blog June 1, a serial so cool that Bookshelf Q. Battler is holding back on the title for now…

Hatcher and Betsy

Hatcher and Betsy

Meet Jake Hatcher.  He’s a 1950’s era hardboiled private detective in the tradition of Sam Spade or Phillip Marlowe.  Film noir fans rejoice.

He isn’t just any old gumshoe.  With the help of his trusty service revolver Betsy, he dispatched numerous Nazis during World War II and was even involved in a mission so secret that it can’t be discussed just yet, even on a blog that only has 3.5 readers.

After the fall of the Third Reich, Hatcher became a bur in the britches of LA’s criminal underworld, feeding Betsy a steady diet of wiseguys to replace the agents of Der Fuhrer that she’d grown accustomed to.

The twist?  One night in 1955, Hatcher fell asleep in his office desk chair.  When he woke up, it was 2014.  For the past year, he’s been aimlessly wandering the streets of the City of Angels, desperately trying to figure out how he lost 59 years and if there’s a way to get back to his own time.

Mysterious Blonde Dame

Mysterious Blonde Dame

This summer, a mysterious blonde dame will walk into Hatcher’s life on the finest pair of getaway sticks this side of the Rio Grande.  This femme fatale claims she can help our hero figure out how he lost 59 years.  She even says she can help him return to his own era.

But he’s going to have to jump through a lot of hoops first.

Mysteries are afoot in modern times and Hatcher needs to dust off his sleuthing skills and get to work.

What kind of mysteries?  BQB will get back to you on that one.

Is this dame on the level or is Hatcher being played like a harpsichord?

Only time will tell…and the catch?

You’ll have to help him.

Yes, there will be some reader interactivity and of course, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s unique brand of humor will be present throughout.  Even so, this new feature will be an interesting diversion from BQB’s usual schtick.

For now, the owner of the magic bookshelf is keeping a lot under his hat.  He’s pretty proud of this one and hopes you will be too.

Your loyal blog host has been working his behind off for the past few months, getting “The Summer of Bookshelf” serial extravaganza together.

Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life begins on May 15.  The “Named to Be Announced Later” Project X starts June 1. Throughout the summer, these two serials will run up against one another.  You’ll have BQB and the Meaning of Life for a week or so, then Project X for a while, then they’ll switch back in forth that way until the end of the summer.

For your reading pleasure, these stories have been serialized into daily chunks, easily consumed without taking too much time from your busy schedules.

So take BQB’s hand 3.5 readers and get ready for what will prove to be an awesome summer to say the least.

Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Detective and blonde woman photos courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Better Call Saul – Season 1, Episode 3 – Airdate 2/16/15 – Wrap-Up

Saul Callers!

Do you love this show or what?  It may not be Breaking Bad, but so far, it’s the next best thing.

At this point, I better call SPOILERS.

This episode focuses around the missing Kettleman family.  Saul wanted Mr. Kettleman as a client, believing him to be guilty of siphoning over a million dollars through his job for the county.

Long story short, Nacho wants the money and Saul’s in a pickle – does he warn the Kettleman family and risk Nacho’s wrath or does he keep quiet?

Do I go on or do I avoid spoilers?  I’ll avoid spoilers.

Best parts:

  • Saul’s hunt to find the Kettlemans
  • Character development for Mike (who kicks Saul’s ass)

What do you think so far?  Is it as good as Breaking Bad?  Is it at least some balm to heal our Breaking Bad wounds?

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Questions – Use of Copyrighted and/or Trademarked Products in Your Works

We all know that copyright and/or trademark infringement is a big no-no.  If you take a copy of The Hunger Games, rip off the cover, replace with a new cover with your name on it, and print a bunch of copies and sell them, Suzanne Collins will own you.  But we’re not talking about the obvious here.

We’re talking about the fact that, outside of sci-fi or fantasy worlds, your characters will most likely live on Planet Earth.  As such, they’re humans just like the rest of us, and they will encounter all sorts of copyrighted and trademarked materials throughout the course of their travels.  I have questions about this.  I can’t say I have any specific answers.  I hope that one of you will, or at the very least, this will generate a fun discussion.

So, I’ve whipped up a little murder mystery to illustrate my questions.  Behold – The Case of the Bay Area Strangler

QUESTION 1 – Can you use a movie quote?

Ann was the toughest detective in the precinct.  She’d seen it all and had developed deep underlying psychological problems because of it.  But soon she could put that behind her.  To her great surprise, she bought a winning lottery ticket the day before and now had ten million dollars coming her way.  Because, you know, something like that could totally happen.  Shut up.

She was rich and she no longer had to put up with this crap.  She walked into the precinct and began cleaning out her desk.

“Ann,”  the Captain said, dropping a folder full of photos of a recently strangled victim.  “The Bay Area Strangler is back at it!  You and John are on this one!”

Ann opened up the file and screamed, “OH MY GOD!  THAT’S MY SISTER!”

“Oh yeah,” the Captain said.  “I forgot to tell you.  Your sister was strangled.  I probably should have told you that before I just handed you a folder full of photos of her horribly strangled corpse.  My bad.”

Ann’s mind was racing.  “Should I just tell the Captain I won the lottery and I’m quitting?  Or should I stay on to avenge my sister and capture her murderer?”  She felt like the Godfather.  “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in,” she said.

NOTES:  So, is that cool?  I made an attribution.  I didn’t pass the line off as my own.  If anything, it is free advertising for The Godfather, not that it needs any, but still.  

QUESTION 2 – Can you mention and/or discuss trademarked products?

The Captain assigned John to work with Ann.  Ann and John hated each other.  They were married years ago, but John cheated on Ann with her now strangled sister.  You should now totally wonder in the back of your mind if John is a suspect, because, you know, John and Ann’s sister used to totally knock boots.

It wasn’t easy, but Ann and John agreed to set aside their differences in the name of bringing justice to Ann’s sister’s murderer.  Ann’s sister was never loved enough by her parents to receive an actual name.  In fact, “Ann’s Sister” is what the county put on her birth certificate.

Ann and John spent twelve hours looking over case files – photos of twelve strangled victims were strewn all over Ann’s apartment.  They were exhausted and hungry.

“We need a break,”  John said.  “I’m exhausted and hungry.  Let’s go to Burger King.  I’m Jonesing for one of their flame broiled Whoppers.  I love Burger King, because you can have it your way.”

“Yeah, just like you had your way with my sister,”  Ann said.  “Burgers are too fattening.  I need to keep my figure so I can get back at you by sleeping with every dude in the precinct, and twice with the ones you hate.  Let’s go to Subway, home of the five dollar footlong.  Their mascot Jared lost a million pounds by eating their sandwiches, you know.”

“Damn it, Ann!”  John said, slamming his fist down on the table.  “When will you ever forgive me for my transgression?  If we can’t agree on where to eat, how will we ever agree on a theory as to who strangled your overly promiscuous sister, who by the way, seduced me with her feminine wiles, so technically, it wasn’t even my fault?!”

The duo went their separate ways, and returned twenty minutes later.  They ate their separate meals, but John smiled when he realized they were sharing a 2-Liter Bottle of Diet Coke.

“At least we agree on one thing,” John said.

“Not really,”  Ann said.  “I wanted Dr. Pepper, but they were all out.  Your judgement vis a vis soda products is akin to the level of judgment you displayed with decisions regarding our marriage.”

After dinner, John popped a mint into his mouth, and offered one to Ann.  “Care for a Mentos?  They are, after all, the freshmaker.”

“No, I’m just going to brush my teeth,”  Ann said.  “I use Crest toothpaste, which 99 out of 100 dentists recommend, and if you can’t trust a paid-off dentist, who can you trust?”

NOTES:  Okay, so maybe that exchange was outlandish, but I meant it that way for emphasis.  Your characters won’t be that obvious, but in passing, it might seem totally normal to say something like: 

Ann was sleepy after studying the case all night, but the Captain demanded her presence at the precinct.  “I’m going to need a Red Bull if I’m going to make it through this day,”  Ann said.

NOTES:  I mean, your characters live in the real world, and will have real world problems that get solved by real world products, right?  Do I have to create a make-believe energy drink company, just to make the people at Red Bull happy?

Ann was sleepy after studying the case all night, but the Captain demanded her presence at the precinct.  “I’m going to need a Zappy Brand Energy Drink  if I’m going to make it through this day,”  Ann said.

NOTES:  Should I just take the brand out altogether?

Ann was sleepy after studying the case all night, but the Captain demanded her presence at the precinct.  “I’m going to need an energy drink  if I’m going to make it through this day,”  Ann said.

NOTES:  Me, personally, I just feel in a story like this, Ann lives in the same world as we do, and if she’s exhausted but needs to keep going, she’s going to have a Red Bull or a Monster.  I mean, you shouldn’t have any of those drinks, because they’re basically carbonated poison, but in this case, Ann needed one.  It’s not my job to criticize Ann.  It’s my job to develop Ann as a character, and in my mind, she’s a woman who puts her health second to finding her sister’s killer, and to do so requires her to stay up all nights and drink RED BULL in the morning.

QUESTION 3 – What if a product is referred to negatively?

“You shouldn’t drink that,”  John said as he spied the Red Bull in Ann’s hand.  “It’s basically carbonated poison.”

“What do you care?”  Ann asked, as she guzzled her beverage.  “You turned our marriage into a pile of garbage that smelled worse than an Arby’s roast beef sandwich.”

“I don’t have to listen to this!”  John said as he popped on a pair of flashy looking earphones.

“Are those Beats by Dre headphones?”  Ann asked.  “What, you have so little confidence in yourself that you wasted a bunch of money on a status symbol that probably isn’t even better than a pair of regular headphones?”

“What?”  asked John.  “I can’t hear you!  I’m wearing my Beats by Dre headphones!  They’re way overpriced and don’t sound any better than regular headphones, but the chicks dig them!  Your sister totally jumped my bones when she saw me wearing these things!”

The Captain walked in.  “Ann, John.  The Bay Area Strangler struck again last night. I sent the latest photos of the victims to your e-mail, Ann. The Strangler was out there running around town, strangling up a storm while you two were busy screwing up this case worse than Apple did with the latest iOs update!”

Ann checked her e-mail to review the latest victim photos.  “Oh my God!”  Ann exclaimed.  “This Microsoft Surface Pro 3 sucks great big…”

“I can’t hear, you Ann,”  John said.  “Still on my ridiculously overpriced headphones.”

NOTES: I feel like, in cases such as these, you’re probably inviting trouble.  You’re basically libeling a product. (I’m not doing that here, Red Bull, Beats, Apple, and Microsoft, your products are the bee’s knees and everyone should buy them!  I’m just teaching other people how to not falsely malign your wonderful products that make our lives better!)  In cases like these, I’d probably leave the brand names off or make up a fake brand:

“This tablet/computer hybrid sucks great big…”

“I can’t hear you Ann,”  John said.  “I’m on my non-descript, overpriced headphones, the brand name of which escapes me at the moment, because I’ve been having memory loss problems due to the fact that I’m depressed over not being able to sleep with your sister anymore!  Oh, and you too!  I miss you too!”

QUESTION 4 – What about song lyrics?

Ann and John agreed on something else.  The photos weren’t enough.  They needed to see the scene of the crime, and they were horrible cops, because they hadn’t done that yet.  Ann’s apartment complex was an hour away, so they carpooled together.  Ann dozed off while John navigated his way down the freeway.

He was bored, so he turned on the radio, flipped the dial around until he found a song he liked.  It was “Area Codes” by Ludacris.  John turned up the volume and sang along.  “You thought I was just 7-7-0 and 4-0-4, I’m worldwide bitch, act like y’all don’t know, It’s the abominable O-man, Globe-trottin international post-man…”

John’s horrible singing skills crept through Ann’s ears like fingernails on a chalk board, waking her up instantly.  She was about to yell at John, when she realized what song he was singing and joined in.  “Is it cuz the like my gangsta walk?  Is it cuz they like my gangsta talk?”

John smiled.  They were now performing a duet together, and for a brief moment, all the bitter resentments and petty, angry feelings they’d held against one another for so long flew out the window.

“Whatever it is, they love me and they just won’t let be me.  I handle my biz, don’t rush me, just relax and let me be free…”

They finished the song together and John turned the volume down.  Ann smiled for the first time in years.

“I can’t believe you remembered, John,”  Ann said.

“Of course I remembered,”  John said.  “You think I’d forget our wedding song?”

NOTES:  Alright.  So, in that instance, I probably would not use that song.  But, take out “Area Codes” and swap in something romantic, like, oh, I don’t know, “You’re Once, Twice, Three Times the Lady.”  or “You are So Beautiful.”  In that case, a divorced couple sharing a happy moment by singing a romantic song could indicate to the reader that there’s still some love between those too, right?  It would make for a nice scene.  But the question is, can the singers of those songs come after me?

QUESTION 5 – What if something is on the TV in the background?

It wasn’t easy for Ann.  She worked full time.  She still had feelings for her lousy, two-timing ex-husband, and hated herself for having those feelings.  Plus, she was a single parent and bore all the responsibility of raising Andy, the son she had with John during their brief marriage.

Ann was trying to focus her attention on the case file, but that was hard.  All should could hear was the obnoxious rantings of Spongebob Squarepants coming from the television.

“Andy, can you turn that off and do your homework?”  Ann asked.  “Mommy is trying to get some work done.”

“I hate you!”  Andy said.  “I’m sick of all your infernal rules, woman!  I want to live with Dad!  He lets me wear Beats by Dre headphones and drink Red Bull with reckless abandon!”

FINAL THOUGHTS:  I made this post because after doing a lot of research, I wasn’t really able to find a definitive answer.  I don’t want to advise any others what to do or not to do, in fact, it’s not my intent to advise anyone but rather, ask if any of you have any advice for me.  Have any thoughts?  Can you think of some situations that might arise that aren’t mentioned here?  Let’s discuss in the comments!

Oh, and the ending – it looked like John did it, but in fact, Ann’s sister framed him.  John was being carted off in cuffs when Ann realized that all the victims had something in common – they’d all gotten busy with Ann’s sister, then dumped her like yesterday’s donuts.  Ann didn’t really think that common thread was a big deal at first, because so didn’t three-quarters of the Bay Area population.  Through her investigations, she determined that Ann’s sister sought revenge because all of these men – so she strangled a bunch of them, strangled herself, but also arranged for an accomplice to strangle more of her lovers after she died, so that explains why the Captain had sent additional photos to Ann’s Surface Pro 3, the King of the Computer/Tablet hybrids, and a fine Microsoft Product.  Ann and John remarried and were happy for many years, until the sequel, in which Ann cheats on John with John’s brother, who dies, and then Ann is totally a suspect.

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Public Domain Horror Fiction – Hound of the Baskervilles

In case you didn’t hear, Sherlock Holmes is now in the public domain!

So if you are reading along with bookshelfbattle.com ‘s Halloween Literary Extravaganza, then head on over to Project Gutenberg and check out one of the scarier mysteries in Sherlock Holmes’ Case files.

A link to The Hound of the Baskervilles (Sherlock Holmes)  by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle:

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/2852

“Now is the dramatic moment of fate, Watson, when you hear a step upon the stair which is walking into your life, and you know not whether for good or ill.” – Sherlock Holmes

An astute quote as it can not only be applied to the instant situation that Holmes and Watson found themselves in the middle of, but also to a variety of occasions that happen in life.  Change happens and we rarely know ahead of time whether or not said change will be for the better or worse until after it has already happened.

Happy Reading!

 

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Full Text of “The Cask of Amontillado” by Edgar Allan Poe

More Public Domain Halloween Horror Fiction!  “For the love of God, Montresor!”  Yes, a classic quote from another of Poe’s timeless horror classic.  In this one, the narrator becomes so insulted by a slight levied at him by Fortunato that he, well…I don’t want to give it away.  Read on:

THE CASK OF AMONTILLADO

BY: Edgar Allan Poe

1846

The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult I vowed revenge. You, who so well know the nature of my soul, will not suppose, however, that gave utterance to a threat. At length I would be avenged; this was a point definitely, settled –but the very definitiveness with which it was resolved precluded the idea of risk. I must not only punish but punish with impunity. A wrong is unredressed when retribution overtakes its redresser. It is equally unredressed when the avenger fails to make himself felt as such to him who has done the wrong.

It must be understood that neither by word nor deed had I given Fortunato cause to doubt my good will. I continued, as was my in to smile in his face, and he did not perceive that my to smile now was at the thought of his immolation.

He had a weak point –this Fortunato –although in other regards he was a man to be respected and even feared. He prided himself on his connoisseurship in wine. Few Italians have the true virtuoso spirit. For the most part their enthusiasm is adopted to suit the time and opportunity, to practise imposture upon the British and Austrian millionaires. In painting and gemmary, Fortunato, like his countrymen, was a quack, but in the matter of old wines he was sincere. In this respect I did not differ from him materially; –I was skilful in the Italian vintages myself, and bought largely whenever I could.

It was about dusk, one evening during the supreme madness of the carnival season, that I encountered my friend. He accosted me with excessive warmth, for he had been drinking much. The man wore motley. He had on a tight-fitting parti-striped dress, and his head was surmounted by the conical cap and bells. I was so pleased to see him that I thought I should never have done wringing his hand.

I said to him –“My dear Fortunato, you are luckily met. How remarkably well you are looking to-day. But I have received a pipe of what passes for Amontillado, and I have my doubts.”

“How?” said he. “Amontillado, A pipe? Impossible! And in the middle of the carnival!”

“I have my doubts,” I replied; “and I was silly enough to pay the full Amontillado price without consulting you in the matter. You were not to be found, and I was fearful of losing a bargain.”

“Amontillado!”

“I have my doubts.”

“Amontillado!”

“And I must satisfy them.”

“Amontillado!”

“As you are engaged, I am on my way to Luchresi. If any one has a critical turn it is he. He will tell me –”

“Luchresi cannot tell Amontillado from Sherry.”

“And yet some fools will have it that his taste is a match for your own.

“Come, let us go.”

“Whither?”

“To your vaults.”

“My friend, no; I will not impose upon your good nature. I perceive you have an engagement. Luchresi–”

“I have no engagement; –come.”

“My friend, no. It is not the engagement, but the severe cold with which I perceive you are afflicted. The vaults are insufferably damp. They are encrusted with nitre.”

“Let us go, nevertheless. The cold is merely nothing. Amontillado! You have been imposed upon. And as for Luchresi, he cannot distinguish Sherry from Amontillado.”

Thus speaking, Fortunato possessed himself of my arm; and putting on a mask of black silk and drawing a roquelaire closely about my person, I suffered him to hurry me to my palazzo.

There were no attendants at home; they had absconded to make merry in honour of the time. I had told them that I should not return until the morning, and had given them explicit orders not to stir from the house. These orders were sufficient, I well knew, to insure their immediate disappearance, one and all, as soon as my back was turned.

I took from their sconces two flambeaux, and giving one to Fortunato, bowed him through several suites of rooms to the archway that led into the vaults. I passed down a long and winding staircase, requesting him to be cautious as he followed. We came at length to the foot of the descent, and stood together upon the damp ground of the catacombs of the Montresors.

The gait of my friend was unsteady, and the bells upon his cap jingled as he strode.

“The pipe,” he said.

“It is farther on,” said I; “but observe the white web-work which gleams from these cavern walls.”

He turned towards me, and looked into my eves with two filmy orbs that distilled the rheum of intoxication.

“Nitre?” he asked, at length.

“Nitre,” I replied. “How long have you had that cough?”

“Ugh! ugh! ugh! –ugh! ugh! ugh! –ugh! ugh! ugh! –ugh! ugh! ugh! –ugh! ugh! ugh!”

My poor friend found it impossible to reply for many minutes.

“It is nothing,” he said, at last.

“Come,” I said, with decision, “we will go back; your health is precious. You are rich, respected, admired, beloved; you are happy, as once I was. You are a man to be missed. For me it is no matter. We will go back; you will be ill, and I cannot be responsible. Besides, there is Luchresi –”

“Enough,” he said; “the cough’s a mere nothing; it will not kill me. I shall not die of a cough.”

“True –true,” I replied; “and, indeed, I had no intention of alarming you unnecessarily –but you should use all proper caution. A draught of this Medoc will defend us from the damps.

Here I knocked off the neck of a bottle which I drew from a long row of its fellows that lay upon the mould.

“Drink,” I said, presenting him the wine.

He raised it to his lips with a leer. He paused and nodded to me familiarly, while his bells jingled.

“I drink,” he said, “to the buried that repose around us.”

“And I to your long life.”

He again took my arm, and we proceeded.

“These vaults,” he said, “are extensive.”

“The Montresors,” I replied, “were a great and numerous family.”

“I forget your arms.”

“A huge human foot d’or, in a field azure; the foot crushes a serpent rampant whose fangs are imbedded in the heel.”

“And the motto?”

“Nemo me impune lacessit.”

“Good!” he said.

The wine sparkled in his eyes and the bells jingled. My own fancy grew warm with the Medoc. We had passed through long walls of piled skeletons, with casks and puncheons intermingling, into the inmost recesses of the catacombs. I paused again, and this time I made bold to seize Fortunato by an arm above the elbow.

“The nitre!” I said; “see, it increases. It hangs like moss upon the vaults. We are below the river’s bed. The drops of moisture trickle among the bones. Come, we will go back ere it is too late. Your cough –”

“It is nothing,” he said; “let us go on. But first, another draught of the Medoc.”

I broke and reached him a flagon of De Grave. He emptied it at a breath. His eyes flashed with a fierce light. He laughed and threw the bottle upwards with a gesticulation I did not understand.

I looked at him in surprise. He repeated the movement –a grotesque one.

“You do not comprehend?” he said.

“Not I,” I replied.

“Then you are not of the brotherhood.”

“How?”

“You are not of the masons.”

“Yes, yes,” I said; “yes, yes.”

“You? Impossible! A mason?”

“A mason,” I replied.

“A sign,” he said, “a sign.”

“It is this,” I answered, producing from beneath the folds of my roquelaire a trowel.

“You jest,” he exclaimed, recoiling a few paces. “But let us proceed to the Amontillado.”

“Be it so,” I said, replacing the tool beneath the cloak and again offering him my arm. He leaned upon it heavily. We continued our route in search of the Amontillado. We passed through a range of low arches, descended, passed on, and descending again, arrived at a deep crypt, in which the foulness of the air caused our flambeaux rather to glow than flame.

At the most remote end of the crypt there appeared another less spacious. Its walls had been lined with human remains, piled to the vault overhead, in the fashion of the great catacombs of Paris. Three sides of this interior crypt were still ornamented in this manner. From the fourth side the bones had been thrown down, and lay promiscuously upon the earth, forming at one point a mound of some size. Within the wall thus exposed by the displacing of the bones, we perceived a still interior crypt or recess, in depth about four feet, in width three, in height six or seven. It seemed to have been constructed for no especial use within itself, but formed merely the interval between two of the colossal supports of the roof of the catacombs, and was backed by one of their circumscribing walls of solid granite.

It was in vain that Fortunato, uplifting his dull torch, endeavoured to pry into the depth of the recess. Its termination the feeble light did not enable us to see.

“Proceed,” I said; “herein is the Amontillado. As for Luchresi –”

“He is an ignoramus,” interrupted my friend, as he stepped unsteadily forward, while I followed immediately at his heels. In niche, and finding an instant he had reached the extremity of the niche, and finding his progress arrested by the rock, stood stupidly bewildered. A moment more and I had fettered him to the granite. In its surface were two iron staples, distant from each other about two feet, horizontally. From one of these depended a short chain, from the other a padlock. Throwing the links about his waist, it was but the work of a few seconds to secure it. He was too much astounded to resist. Withdrawing the key I stepped back from the recess.

“Pass your hand,” I said, “over the wall; you cannot help feeling the nitre. Indeed, it is very damp. Once more let me implore you to return. No? Then I must positively leave you. But I must first render you all the little attentions in my power.”

“The Amontillado!” ejaculated my friend, not yet recovered from his astonishment.

“True,” I replied; “the Amontillado.”

As I said these words I busied myself among the pile of bones of which I have before spoken. Throwing them aside, I soon uncovered a quantity of building stone and mortar. With these materials and with the aid of my trowel, I began vigorously to wall up the entrance of the niche.

I had scarcely laid the first tier of the masonry when I discovered that the intoxication of Fortunato had in a great measure worn off. The earliest indication I had of this was a low moaning cry from the depth of the recess. It was not the cry of a drunken man. There was then a long and obstinate silence. I laid the second tier, and the third, and the fourth; and then I heard the furious vibrations of the chain. The noise lasted for several minutes, during which, that I might hearken to it with the more satisfaction, I ceased my labours and sat down upon the bones. When at last the clanking subsided, I resumed the trowel, and finished without interruption the fifth, the sixth, and the seventh tier. The wall was now nearly upon a level with my breast. I again paused, and holding the flambeaux over the mason-work, threw a few feeble rays upon the figure within.

A succession of loud and shrill screams, bursting suddenly from the throat of the chained form, seemed to thrust me violently back. For a brief moment I hesitated, I trembled. Unsheathing my rapier, I began to grope with it about the recess; but the thought of an instant reassured me. I placed my hand upon the solid fabric of the catacombs, and felt satisfied. I reapproached the wall; I replied to the yells of him who clamoured. I re-echoed, I aided, I surpassed them in volume and in strength. I did this, and the clamourer grew still.

It was now midnight, and my task was drawing to a close. I had completed the eighth, the ninth and the tenth tier. I had finished a portion of the last and the eleventh; there remained but a single stone to be fitted and plastered in. I struggled with its weight; I placed it partially in its destined position. But now there came from out the niche a low laugh that erected the hairs upon my head. It was succeeded by a sad voice, which I had difficulty in recognizing as that of the noble Fortunato. The voice said–

“Ha! ha! ha! –he! he! he! –a very good joke, indeed –an excellent jest. We will have many a rich laugh about it at the palazzo –he! he! he! –over our wine –he! he! he!”

“The Amontillado!” I said.

“He! he! he! –he! he! he! –yes, the Amontillado. But is it not getting late? Will not they be awaiting us at the palazzo, the Lady Fortunato and the rest? Let us be gone.”

“Yes,” I said, “let us be gone.”

“For the love of God, Montresor!”

“Yes,” I said, “for the love of God!”

But to these words I hearkened in vain for a reply. I grew impatient. I called aloud —

“Fortunato!”

No answer. I called again —

“Fortunato!”

No answer still. I thrust a torch through the remaining aperture and let it fall within. There came forth in return only a jingling of the bells. My heart grew sick; it was the dampness of the catacombs that made it so. I hastened to make an end of my labour. I forced the last stone into its position; I plastered it up. Against the new masonry I re-erected the old rampart of bones. For the half of a century no mortal has disturbed them. In pace requiescat!

 

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Gone Girl – A Review of the Movie, Not the Book

Long time no see, blogarinos.  What can I say?  I have been busy.  I wish I could say that I have been busy with something worthwhile, but alas, it has been mostly with an onslaught of fabulous Fall TV.  Why, oh why must they put all my favorite shows on at the same time?

I’ve been hearing for quite some time now that Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn is an amazing read, and though sadly I never got around to it, I am pleased to say that I did recently take in the film version starring Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike.

SPOILER WARNING – If you do not want the surprises to be as gone as the girl, then stop reading.

In no particular order, a list of reasons why I found this film entertaining:

1)  Rosamund Pike deserves an Oscar nomination.  She has always been a decent actress but up until now, has never quite found her niche role.  Honestly, this movie made me learn her name.  Previously, she’d just been that blonde woman who has been in a lot of stuff.

2)  Someone involved in the movie must have had a penchant for all grown up former adolescent nerd TV stars.  Patrick Fugit, aka the aspiring Rolling Stone reporter from Almost Famous and Lee Norris, aka Minkus on Boy Meets World both have cameos as police officers.  I mean honestly, in real life, I would not want either of these poindexters kicking down doors and/or being responsible for public safety but for movie purposes, it was fun to see them in action.

3)  Actually, add to that former nerd TV star list Neil Patrick Harris (who once upon a time played Doogie Howser, M.D.) – I suppose I gave him a pass as a “former TV nerd” since his career had a comeback with How I Met Your Mother.

4)  It is an excellent mystery movie that will keep you guessing.

5)  Sadly, it reinforces what we all know to be true but no one wants to admit – a woman can say anything – anything at all – and people will believe it.

So pick your future brides to be carefully, fellas, because well, you might end up like Ben Affleck’s defeated protagonist.

BONUS:  Tyler Perry was in this movie and a) he did not dress up like an outrageous overweight granny and b) did not suck.

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