Tag Archives: happy new year

Happy January, 3.5 Readers

Happy New Year, though it is late, 3.5 readers.

It dawned on me that if I didn’t post today, Jan 2020 would be the first month I didn’t post at least once on this fine blog, and we can’t have that.

How are you, 3.5 readers?  Are there still 3.5 of you?

Tagged , , ,

New Year Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Fart more.

Eat more.

Be ruder.

Smell worse.

Do less.

Procrastinate more…tomorrow.

Exercise less.

Watch more TV.

Play more video games.

Be lazier.

Read less.

Fail more.

Don’t be productive.

Eat more candy.

Don’t get out and meet anyone.

Get fatter.


Tagged , , ,

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Desuck Your 2017


World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m going to stick a straw into the world and suck all the suck right out of it until it sucks no more.

Perhaps you have read one of my many fine anti-suck books:

The History of Not Sucking

1001 People Who Do Not Suck

Would You Suck for a Buck? (Not about prostitution).

Unsucking Humanity (Is about prostitution).

Suck Out the Suck

How Many Sucks Must a Man Desuck Before He Can Be Called a Non-Sucker?

Help! My Life Sucks!

The Suck on the Train

Once, Twice, Three Times a Sucker

A Sucky Day in Brooklyn

Pulp Suction

Sucking in Outer Space

The Wheel of Suck

Around, Around the Suck Goes.  Where Does It Stop?  Nobody Who Doesn’t Suck Knows

I Can’t Stop This Sucky Feeling

3.5 readers, did you suck last year?

Be honest.  You know you did.

You sucked at life.  You sucked in your relationships.  You sucked at home.  You sucked at work.

You would not, could not un-suck in a truck, you would not, could not, un-suck with a duck.

Face it.  The bad news is that you suck.

The good news is that sucking is not a permanent condition.  If you’ve come down with a bad case of the sucks, you are in luck, because this malady is curable.

What did you suck at?  Your health?  Stop sucking at exercise.  Stop sucking at abstaining from fatty foods.  Stop sucking at willpower.

Did you suck at your job?  Stop sucking at showing up on time.  Stop sucking at putting in the extra effort.  Stop sucking at communicating with your co-workers.

Did you suck in your relationship?  Stop sucking at being faithful to your significant other. Stop sucking at honesty.  Stop sucking at kindness.  Stop sucking at love.

2016 is in the suck can of history.  You can’t change it.  You can’t fix it.  If you sucked last year, your memories of last year will always suck.

But don’t make your past suckiness ruin your life.  You do not have to suck forever.  You can grab the suck bull by its sucky horns and ride it all day long until it tires out and it doesn’t feel like sucking up your life anymore.

Here’s my three step plan to suck the suck right out of 2017:

Step #1 – Admit That You Suck

You have to suck at denying that you suck.  Don’t hide your suck.  Pull your suck right out of yourself and hold it out for all the world to see, then yell, “I suck with the gale force wind of a thousand Hoover vacuums and I will not suck for one day longer!”

As long as you hide your suck, you can ignore your suck.  And ignored suck never goes away.  Confront that suck.

Step #2 – Develop a Plan to Not Suck

Do you suck at being thin?  Make a plan to stop sucking at stopping by the gym every day after work.

Do you suck at meeting new friends?  Make a plan to introduce yourself to one new person once a week and strike up a conversation that does not suck.

Do you suck at cleanliness?  Stop sucking at doing the dishes, the laundry, and all those daily chores that suck but keep your home from not sucking.

Is there something you’ve always wanted to do?  Stop sucking at learning it.

Step #3 – Follow Through with Your Anti-Suck Plans

Whatever you need to do to not suck, do it.  Make your anti-suck plan work, then work your anti-suck plan.

Ridding your life of its suck won’t happen overnight, but if you make a commitment to never suck again starting today, then by the end of 2017, you will surely see a tremendous reduction in your life’s suck levels.

This suck won’t un-suck itself, people.  You’ve got to stop sucking at making your suck-free life happen.  There’s no time like the present to not suck.

Thank you for reading, 3.5 readers, and don’t forget to pick up one of my anti-suck books, available now at a book store near you that does not suck.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Daily Discussion with BQB – Happy New Year – What Are Your New Year Resolutions?

Happy New Year 3.5 readers.

2017.  Holy shit.  The future is here.

Where are the flying cars?  Where are the robot sex slaves?  Where are the space ships?  Where are the healing pods that you can jump into and get anything wrong with you fixed immediately?

All we have are social media sites where you can show people what you ate for lunch. #WhatARipOff

What are you resolutions for 2017?

Mine are to publish two books.  Other than that, I hope to keep growing this fine blog so that I might one day be rich enough to throw my NWA style house party.

If you have a resolution, I hope you stick with it.  Sometimes it helps to not forget whatever you felt bad about over Christmas/New Year’s Eve.

If you felt bad about being fat, think about how happy you’ll be next New Year’s when you are skinny.

If you felt bad for being broke, think about how happy you’ll be next year if you cut out unnecessary expenses and manage to save some money.

If you are single, make a commitment to mingle and you might just find someone to kiss when the ball drops next year.

If you are stupid, make a resolution to read more and you’ll be happy when you have something interesting to say at next year’s party.

If you are ugly, resolve to wear a bag over your head.  Decorate it throughout the year and you will have the fanciest bag around next year.  Or be like Sia and get an outlandish wig that covers your face.

If you smell bad, resolve to wear deodorant.  Everyone at the party next year will want to sniff you.

If you are a smoker, resolve to stop smoking.  Your lungs will thank you.

If you are an alcoholic, resolve to stop drinking.  Your liver will thank you.

If you aren’t reading this fine blog enough, resolve to read it more.  My NWA style party is on the line.

In conclusion, remember what a fat, broke, drunk, smokey, ugly, smelly loser you were over the course of the 2016 holidays and work on it so you will be skinny, financially stable, sober, smoke-free, bag covered and nice smelling come the 2017 holiday season.

Believe me – you’ll blink and then it will be Christmas 2017 before you know it, so start now.

Oh right.  This is a discussion.  What say you, 3.5 readers?

Tagged , , , , ,

I’m Doing it My Way, Sort Of – The Alleged Man

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I’ll say it clear,
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life that’s full.
I’ve traveled each and every highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

– Frank Sinatra, My Way

Happy New Year, 3.5 Readers.


The Alleged Man

The Alleged Man here, but not really. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

There’s a nasty rumor that Bookshelf Q. Battler and all the characters on this blog are just one guy pretending to be a lot of people, but that’s just balderdash if you ask me.

Oh wait, you can’t ask me, because I’m not really here. But for a brief moment, pretend that I am.

Bookshelf Q. Battler and I began as one in the same. It was the handle I went by because I wasn’t ready to say hello in person.

Old BQB and I have a lot in common.  We watch and review the same movies. He comments on the same pop cultural stuff I’m interested in. We are both big time nerds.

But at some point, BQB outgrew me.  Maybe it was when he befriended Alien Jones. Or when he roundhouse kicked the Yeti in the face. Or when he became the caretaker of a magic bookshelf. Or when he died on the toilet after shooting lightning out of his butt and came back to life to go on an adventure. Or when he enlisted the help of a 1950s noir detective. Or when his hometown was overrun by a zombie apocalypse.

Whenever or however it happened, though we still share some unique inner traits, BQB’s life is just way more exciting than mine now.

It’s long been said that Kermit the Frog was Jim Henson’s alter ego. Henson was the smartest guy in the room but lacked the big ego one would need to go around telling everyone. He had a quiet air of confidence about him. He knew exactly what to do and when to do it but didn’t outwardly demand everyone’s respect, rather, they just gave it to him.

Kind of reminds you how the Muppest are always getting into trouble only to run to good old reliable Kermit to bail them out, doesn’t it?

Am I comparing myself to a great like Henson? No. But BQB and I are both nerds who wanted to be writers, did something else instead, and now we’re both trying to become writers again thanks to modern self publishing technology that’s made it possible.

We just differ in terms of motivation:

  • I’d like to succeed at writing so I can stop feeling like I ignored my life’s big dream.
  • BQB wants to succeed at writing to keep the Mighty Potentate from conquering Earth.

Either way, we both have our own personal “Sword of Damocles” to face and somehow, we often find ourselves watching TV and eating cookies when we should be writing.

Yes, like BQB I also:

  • Feel like I’m pretty smart and often called on to help the people around me who don’t appreciate it…kind of like BQB’s relationship with the East Randomtownsfolk.
  • Live in a fantasy world. BQB’s fantasy world is made possibly largely because of a magic bookshelf. Mine is inside my head. I find myself living inside my head often.

And like Alien Jones I..

  • Wonder what technology is coming down the road. Alien Jones has seen most of it already because he’s lived so long and visited so many worlds. I can only dream about it and feel bad about what I’m going to miss out on when it is invented in a hundred years.
  • Feel like I’m smart but still have to answer to the various people in the world who have bigger mouths than I do. (i.e. we all have our own Mighty Potentates)

And like Jake Dashing I…

  • Feel like the world has changed so much that I must have fallen asleep and missed when it happened. Perhaps you never notice it. Perhaps it doesn’t all happen at once. It happens through daily gradual changes but every generation one day “wakes up” to find a much different world.

Sometimes like Uncle Hardass…

  • I complain extensively but no one listens.

And like Dr. Hugo Von Science…

  • I feel like I should be in charge of the world.

And like the Yeti…

  • I get upset and yell incoherently.  I’m all talk about wanting to run the world. I just want to blame other people for my lack of success then sit on the couch and eat cookies just as the Yeti is free to leave BQB HQ at any time but sits on BQB’s couch and watches TV and blames BQB for his shortcomings.

And there are even times when I’m like Video Game Rack Fighter and…

  • Say screw it. It’s time to play Car Thief Mayhem.

But after being all over the place, I always come back to my BQB way of thinking…

  • I’m pretty great, though there’s a long line of people ready to tell myself I’m not and ironically, I’m always at the front of the line.
  • I can beat myself up forever for not being a writer yet or I can take advantage of the great tech out today and keep trying.
  • And if it doesn’t work out, I can at least tell my older self I tried, just as BQB can tell the subjugated citizens of the new Mighty Potentate regime on Earth he tried too.


It was nice to step outside of the curtain for a moment to talk to you for a minute today, 3.5 readers.  I have to return to the shadows now.

You see, I know what it is like to struggle, to be down and out, to give life a hundred and ten percent and only get ten percent back.

Through all sorts of cosmic tomfoolery, I ended up in a tough place and after years of hard work, crawled myself out of it. Where I am now is pretty good.

It’s not great. I wouldn’t consider anything great until I’m a big time successful writer.

But still, it’s good. And as anyone who has struggled will tell you, when you lift yourself up, the struggle doesn’t end.  You just keep your head on a swivel, wondering what you can do next to make sure you never have to go back to the struggle.

You become a self struggler.

And more importantly, though some might say it is silly to worry about, we live in a world where it’s not a good idea to become known as “the guy that believes in aliens and magic bookshelves” until believing in aliens and magic bookshelves becomes profitable, should that time ever come.

So BQB will have to stand in my place and collect the 3.5 readers’ applause.

It’s ok. BQB has earned it.

He did save East Randomtown from a zombie apocalypse, after all.

Page Frank, because it’s time to do it…BQB’s way.



Tagged , , , , , , ,

365 Days. 1 Nerd. Results of the One Post a Day Challenge – 2015 Complete


TO: The Mighty Potentate

FROM: Alien Jones, the Esteemed Brainy One

RE: Results of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s One Post a Day for a Year Challenge – 2015

DATE: Jan. 1, 2016



Alien Jones tallies BQB’s 2015 stats.

Your lowly servant, Alien Jones here to report on the results of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s One Post a Day Challenge.  As you recall, Your Potentosity, you have identified BQB as “The Chosen One,” the only Earth writer capable of putting out a book that will convince the humans to abandon the reality television programming that you despise with such magnanimous enthusiasm.


BQB only intended to write very brief posts for the purpose of drawing some attention to his blog. However, he quickly became hooked on seeing his stats improve and spent the year focusing on his blog instead of his languishing career as a novelist.

Further, BQB made daily postings on social media. He had Twitter at the beginning of the year. He got onto Google Plus early in the year. He had been on Facebook but finally began pushing harder on it in the Fall.


  1. Posted 1 or more (and often, more) posts on his blog daily. Did not miss a day.
  2. Posted daily on Twitter from the beginning of the year.
  3. Posted daily on Google Plus when he started it (his pitiful human brain doesn’t remember when that started but believes it was early in the year.)
  4. Became more active on Facebook, by the end of the year he started posting there daily. Also, he spent a bit of his human money to buy some Facebook ads.
  5. Joined and became active on Wattpad, posting stories and offering comments on other writers’ works.


BQB, ever unsure of himself, blogged every day in January, 2015 just to see if he could do it. He then announced Feb 1. that he’d see this through to the end of the year.


“At the time of this writing, I’m averaging 35-40 site visitors per day. I believe this is due to daily postings.

I’m also seeing an increase in blog followers. I had 400 at the start of the year, and about 450 now.

I had 2000 twitter followers at the start of the year, I’m at around 2500 now.”




JAN 1, 2015 – Approx. 400

JAN 1, 2016 – 1,520

INCREASE of 1,120 approx.

2014 vs. 2015

BQB began this blog in 2014, but did not blog daily. In fact, he often let a lot of time pass between posts.

2014 Stats

VIEWS – 4,658

VISITORS – 3,623

LIKES – 895


2015 Stats

VIEWS – 28,103 (Up approx 24,000)

VISITORS – 14,880 (Up approx 11,000)

LIKES – 7,836 (Up approx 6,000)

COMMENTS – 2000 (Up approx 1800)


JAN 1, 2015 – 2,000 followers (approx)

JAN 1, 2016 – 7,168


2014 – BQB didn’t have it.  He started in 2015.

Jan 1, 2016 – 858 followers


Likes were barely existent starting 2015. BQB experimented with buying some Facebook ads in the Fall. Currently, the Bookshelf Battle Facebook Page has 169 likes and the Pop Culture Mysteries Facebook Page has 107 likes.


Human writers often debate whether social media is worth their time. Some praise it as a free marketing tool. Others complain it takes time away from their actual writing.

For all of the social media activity BQB engaged in…

TWITTER – brought 527 views total to BQB’s blog this year.

FACEBOOK – brought 368 views total.


 Thus, it is clear that having more followers on social media does not mean they will all visit your website. However, BQB feels his social media efforts did help to raise awareness of his blog and to make contacts with other writers, such as the fine authors who helped him out of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse in October.


SEARCH ENGINES – gave BQB 6,898 views. It pays to write a lot. The more content you have on your site, the more likely people will visit your site through a search engine.

WORDPRESS READER – 1,156 – The more wordpress followers you have, the more people will seeing your blog in their wordpress reader.

DAILY VIEWS – BQB found that for the most part, his efforts attracted somewhere between 30-50 visitors (more or less). Occasionally, it would push 100, a few times over 100, but never over 200.

To BQB’s credit, his view rate is high, meaning that there are a number of visitors coming to the site, liking what they see, and giving it a few more views.


Yes. The Chosen One has gone from dabbling in a blog to building a platform.

BQB has a tendency to doubt himself, but will keep up with something if he sees progress and there was definite progress this year.


As a pitiful human, BQB can’t do everything, so in 2016 he will have to divert his attention to his novel writing career. However, the time he spent building this site’s readership will likely payoff one day…some day.

Somehow no matter what happens, BQB only reports having 3.5 readers though. That is likely to continue.


Spare the Earthlings, Mighty Potentate. BQB is doing his best to write a novel and build a writing career. He will do his best to convince the pitiful humans to stop watching reality television and read books instead.


Alien Jones, out.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Happy New Year!

Hello Bookshelf Battlers,

Just a quick note to wish you all a Happy New Year!

One year down, and I’m at 400 blog followers, and almost 2200 twitter followers.  Let’s keep them coming!

As always, thanks for stopping by, and I look forward to discussing more books with you in 2015!

Tagged , , , , , ,