Bookshelf Battle

VIDEO GAME RACK FIGHTER

For the longest time, BQB believed he was too nerdy to find love.  Who’d ever want to be in a relationship with the owner of a blog that only has 3.5 readers?

That all changed when he went on an epic quest to discover the meaning of life and met Victoria Gloria Somersby Stratenhaus, aka Video Game Rack Fighter.

It was love at first sight and they’ve been together ever since.  They have so much in common that it is uncanny.

Similarities include:

• BQB owns a magic bookshelf that brings literary characters to life.  VGRF once claimed to own a magic video game rack that brings video game characters to life, though SPOILER ALERT later admitted she made it all up as an escape from the hum drum doings of everyday life.  Try not to judge her though.  BQB didn’t.

• BQB is the assistant to the assistant of the vice president of corporate assistance for Beige Corp, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories.  VGRF is the assistant to the assistant of the vice president for corporate assistance for Drying Paint Media, the number one streaming media site for films of paint drying on walls.  By day, they both go to their appointed boring jobs.  By night, BQB pursues his dream of becoming a published author while VGRF designs video games of her own.

• Their pets include Bookshelf Q. Battledog and Video Game Rack Fighter Cat

• BQB’s arch nemesis is the Yeti.  VGRF’s enemy is the Sasquatch.

Among her many achievements, Ms. Fighter is the current world reigning champion of the uber violent video game, Car Thief Mayhem.

Uncle Hardassimo “Hardass” K. Scrambler

While alive, Uncle Hardass’ favorite past times included 1) working at the salt mines (as in he actually dug salt out of the Earth for Salt Mines, Inc.) and 2) complaining about anything and everything.

Mr. Scrambler despises writers, decrying them with chants of, “Oooo! La dee da!  Look at me!  I’m a writer!  I have thoughts and opinions the world needs to hear!  SHUT UP AND GET A JOB AT THE SALT MINES, HIPPY!”

Invariably, Uncle Hardass’ advice for anyone’s problems is to get a job at the salt mines.

Sadly, Mr. Scrambler died of a massive heart attack several years back, which he claimed with his last dying breath was the result of his intense disappointment with his nephew’s decision to pursue a writing career.

BQB disputes that and argues it was the result of a life long love affair with baloney sandwiches.

Either way, BQB was not freed of his uncle’s constant tirades.  Uncle Hardass’ ghost haunts the halls of BQB HQ today.

Oddly, despite Mr. Scrambler’s hatred of writing, he regularly writes a column entitled “Things That Really Frost My Ass” which is more or less a laundry list of crap that is bothering the old timer at any given moment.

AUNT GERTIE

Aunt Gertie had been one of BQB’s 3.5 readers for awhile, though she recently quit, calling her nephew’s blog too pedestrian.  After Uncle Hardass’ death, she moved to the Decrepit Oaks Elderly Living Center, on the auspices that she needed help with the daily chores of life, but in actuality, to meet old dudes to get jiggy with.

BOOKSHELF BATTLE HEADQUARTERS

Uncle Hardass left explicit instructions in his will that his modest colonial style house was to be blown up rather than be left to his incompetent good for nothing wannabe writer nephew, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Always the pushover, Gertie ignored her late husband’s wishes and gave the home to BQB anyway.

Upon taking ownership, BQB used the power of his magic bookshelf to construct large fortress like walls around his aunt and uncle’s formerly modest home.

His neighbors consider BQB HQ to be a real eyesore, petitioning frequently to have it torn down.  The Mayor of BQB’s hometown (East Randomtown) ignores them, as he believes BQB’s blog is the only claim to fame his town will ever have.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLEDOG

He may not look like much on the outside, but BQBD is a killer attack papillon, who to date, has eaten over twenty intruders alive.  He serves as the Chief of Security of Bookshelf Battle Headquarters.