By: A Smelly Raccoon, Special Guest Columnist
Hello 3.5 readers. A smelly raccoon here, and I for one would like to thank Bookshelf Q. Battler for providing me the opportunity to debate the very important issue of whether or not that nerd deserves to have his trash cans knocked over.
The answer is an unmitigated yes. Yes, he does. BQB pretends like he’s so important. “Oh look at me. I’m a magic bookshelf caretaker. Oh I work at Beige Corporation. Oh I’m saving the world from the Mighty Potentate through my writing.”
Please. I’ve looked in his window. The man spends three hours a night drawing faces around his belly button. The belly button becomes the mouth. He makes it talk. It’s gross and I know gross. I’m a smelly raccoon.
Trash! It’s like gold to a smelly raccoon and while Bookshelf Q. Battler whines, “Oh woe is me, I have to clean up so much trash!” the truth is that it is very little effort for him versus something that provides a tremendous amount of happiness for me and my smelly raccoon friends.
Sure, you humans think we raccoons are dirty trash rodents but in reality, we’re all about recycling, going green, and using the junk that you throw away to fill our bellies. You call that trash can full of old coffee filters, used toilet paper, used condoms, moldy spaghetti, moldy Chinese take-out, six day old pizza and last year’s tuna noodle casserole you finally pulled out of the back of your fridge, all sprinkled with the little broken pieces of that vase your broke, swept up and threw away…A DELICIOUS FEAST!
You don’t want it? We do. That’s good eating for us raccoons and you should be ashamed of yourself for complaining. We are your guests, uninvited or not, and all we are asking is for the sustenance you discarded.
Could we be neater? Maybe…but it’s night and we have no opposable thumbs, so back off, loser, and enjoy cleaning up after us.
Also, don’t do that thing where you put the rock on top of your can. We’ll just knock the whole thing over. Talk about a mess.