Tag Archives: playboy mansion

Search Engine Optimized Poet – Who Bought the Playboy Mansion?

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the Googler’s feets, ya dig?

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Playboy Mansion! Whoa, Playboy Mansion!

Who in the hell purchased you?

Is Hugh Hefner’s reign really though?

I heard Hugh’s neighbor bought you.

To combine both properties and make one out of two.

Your new owner owns Twinkies, the snack cake filled with cream.

I feel like with that mansion, there are jokes to be made about cream.

Dare I dream?

No it would be too obscene.

Charlie Sheen.

He probably would have liked to live there.

I hope I don’t get eaten by a bear.

What is the best brand of underwear?

Can I go to IKEA to buy a chair?

Stare.

At BQB’s web hits as they go up.

Why does that guy at Starbucks write my name on my cup?

I know who I am. I don’t need to be told twice.

If I borrow my friend’s hat, will I come down with lice?

Nice. Is that a good way to be?

I wouldn’t know.

I spend all my time up a tree.

Yippee. It’s time to take a snooze.

Can someone tell me what is the best brand of mattress to use?

I suppose whichever one I choose.

What is happening in the daily news?

The election.

I should give it an inspection.

To determine the country’s ultimate direction.

Wait a minute. I just found my old playboy mags and got an erection.

Damnation. This whole poem needs an entire course correction.

Confection. It’s a sugary snack.

Can you believe that Jon Snow is back?

I’m the worst poet ever. Truly, a hack.

Talent is something that I utterly lack.

Will Fox ever bring Firefly back?

What are the lyrics to Love Shack?

It was the B-52’s greatest hit.

Back in the 90’s. So long ago. I can’t believe it.

Holy shit. Where did the time go?

Can anyone recommend a site that will teach me to sew?

I don’t know. But I know I ripped my pants.

Because I watched So You Think You Can Dance?

And fooled myself into thinking, “Yes. I do think I can dance.”

Like Lady Gaga, I’m trapped in a bad romance…

…with myself. I don’t know how to leave me.

I have dumped myself a thousand times but I inevitably go back to retrieve me.

I shouldn’t take myself back. I will only deceive me.

Perhaps myself and I should get a divorce.

I could drive away. Myself could leave on a horse.

The Norse. Aren’t they from Norway?

I have hit rock bottom. I have nothing left to say.

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BQB Plays Powerball

Dearest 3.5 Readers,

I’ve caved to the excitement and purchased some Powerball tickets.

And you know what? I’m actually feeling pretty good about my chances.

Why?

BQB’s KARMA BALANCING THEORY

Your life is and/or will be 50% bullshit and 50% great.  Most people experience the bullshit and greatness and separate, equal doses so as to not get too bogged down with depression or glee, depending on whether the shit or the greatness came most recently.

My life, on the other hand, has been totally shit so far so really, the only way I can see for karma to balance my existence out with the greatness I’m due is to hand me a billion dollar plus lotto win.

BUT BQB, WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH YOUR STICKY CASH?

A great question, 3.5 readers.  Here’s a breakdown:

THE PLAYBOY MANSION – It’s for sale and I’m going to make it my new BQB HQ.  Now, Hef requires the new owner give him a life estate, meaning that Hef gets to live there until he croaks.

Listen, I would actually DEMAND that Hef keep living there. He’s the one the Playboy bunnies are showing up for, right?

Wait.  This just in. Video Game Rack Fighter will not allow me to have wild, outrageous naked celebrity hot chick parties in the Playboy Mansion Grotto.

You know VGRF…seriously…what a party pooper.  Oh well, gotta keep my better half happy.  I’ll still buy it but apparently all the bunnies will be required to wear turtlenecks and burkas.

PRESIDENT BATTLER – Yes, I will run for president because I too wish to be a wealthy person so rich that I feel no inhibitions and am able to shoot my mouth off and speak freely.  Only, I’ll try to do it a lot nicer.

Also, I will make it a law that whatever movies, songs, digital stuff you buy on one device made by one company be transferable to another company’s device. This is America, dammit, and when I was a kid I never had to ask Sony’s permission to put a Sony videotape into a Daewoo VCR.

PURCHASE EAST RANDOMTOWN – Yep.  And I’ll kick all the losers out, so it will end up empty.  What?  I’m still the mayor and all those people are constituents and I should be careful what I say because I haven’t won yet?

I was talking about other losers.  Not you, East Randomtownsfolk.  You losers are great.

WU TANG CLAN – I will purchase that super expensive one of a kind Wu Tang Clan album, you know, the one in which the Wu Tang Clan has secured a legal right to steal it back through a carefully planned heist as long as they bring Bill Murray along.

I’m not even kidding check out this Billboard article.

REALITY TV – I will pay off reality tv stars to stay home…or at least not go to work…or at least just go shopping and do dumb stuff.  OK, so they can do all the useless crap they do but I’ll pay them to do it OFF camera because the Mighty Potentate hates reality TV.

What will you do if you win Powerball, 3.5 readers?

 

 

 

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