Tag Archives: internet

I Have Received Over 100,000 Views

3.5 readers, stop the presses (do newspapers even use presses anymore?) because this fine blog has received over 100,000 views.

100,988 to be exact.

100,000 views were provided by my Aunt Gertie.

900 were provided by Internet web searchers who were looking for directions on how to get away from here.

88 were provided by my 3.5 readers.

Thank you, 3.5 readers.

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The Art of the Rick Roll

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

rick-astley-president-he-will-never-vgive-you-up-make-2576456

I do love a good Rick Roll…but what is it about this thirty some odd year old song that has the Internet going ga ga today?  Why is it considered clever to trick someone into clicking on this video?

Is it Rick’s good looks?  No.  The man’s clearly a flat-top sporting ginger.

Is it his funky dance moves?  No.  He clearly just holds his hands out, makes a couple of fists, then sways from side to side.

Is it his sense of style?  No.  The man is clearly wearing some kind of 1980s trench coat, like he’s some kind of flasher….except not, because he has clothes on underneath.

It’s none of these things.  Yet, Rick is so damn desirable to the ladies for one reason:  his song is all about pure love.

Rick isn’t one of those rappers, promising a quote unquote “bitch” money, diamonds, wealth, jewelry, power and so on in exchange for her phat ass.  No sir.  Rick may not be much to look at, but he boils love down to its core essentials, rattling off a list to a blonde woman in the video of the basics that he, and frankly any good man, would give to a woman:

I’m never gonna give you up,

Never gonna let you down,

Never gonna run around, and desert you.

Never gonna make you cry.

Never gonna say goodbye.

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

Look people, we’ve established Rick is not much to look at.  He can’t dance.  His fashion stinks.  To quote Bobby Ferrin, “He aint got no cash, aint got no style…”

But what he lacks in superficial qualities, he makes up with in heart.  He’s got a big one and he wants this lady to know it.  Rich, handsome, studly men who can dance and don’t have red hair can get all the women they want and sadly, more often than not, they can trick a woman into being used and then tossed aside like yesterday’s stale doughnut.

Not Rick, ladies.  He doesn’t have much going for him and like most of us average to below average looking dudes, the best we can do is promise you the basics of love.  We’re not going to leave you.  We’re not going to lie to you.  We aren’t going to hurt you.

Superficial men may be able to promise you material possessions, but the Rick Astleys of the world know their woman wooing abilities are limited and thus, they embrace all of the aspects of what true love is supposed to be all about, namely – honesty and commitment.

No ladies, if you pick a Rick Astley, he’s probably not going to turn all your friends’ heads and make them jealous of you when you walk into the room together.  He’s not going to buy you a bunch of expensive crap.  He’s most likely going to wear that dumb trench coat to every affair.  He’ll always have red hair.  He’ll always dance like a department store mannequin that just came to life and is trying to figure out how his new body works for the first time.

But – he will be there when you need him, ladies.  Is he cheating on you when he’s not with you?  No, for if you recall, he pledged that he would never run around.  Will he leave you?  No.  He promised he would not desert you.  Is he telling the truth?  Yes.  He made it crystal clear that he will never tell a lie.

Fidelity.  Honesty.  Commitment.  These are the cornerstones of any good relationship and Rick Astley is offering them up on a silver platter.

Rick’s promises are so pure that his career was basically one song and done.  I have no idea if he put out any other songs.  If he did, I can’t name one.  Can you?  If he did, he didn’t have to.  He said all he needed to say about love then rode off into the sunset like a ginger cowboy.

Perhaps that is why it is so fun to do a Rick Roll.  Typically, the joke is to fool narcissistic folks into clicking onto something that they are led to believe will bring them wealth, power, or something else that doesn’t matter much in the grand scheme of things, only to be reminded of what really matters by the Rickster.

As for all of you single ladies out there trying to figure out what you want in a man, let me make it simple for you:  Choose a Rick Astley, ladies.  Choose a Rick Astley.

FYI: I can’t take credit for that meme.  It was floating around in the last election and frankly, maybe we should have elected Rick Astley president.

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Search Engine Optimized Poet – Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the Googler’s feets, ya dig?

Chicken! Whoa, chicken!

Why oh why did you cross the road?

Was it to get to the other side?

Or was it to carry a load…

…of eggs.  Your tiny chicken kids.

Soft drink cups come with plastic lids.up-korora-beatnik-800px

Bids.  Its what eBay takes.

Whether you want to bid on old custom cars or a pile of used rakes.

Fakes? Most celebrities are.

I think I’ll head out to the nearest sports bar.

I’m going to order a burrito, a mojito and avoid getting bitten by a mosquito, duh!

Because after all, the zika virus is in Florida.

Home of Disneyworld.

This blog is my outlet to let my poetry go unfurled.

Can it ever be re-furled?

I prefer my cheese to be curled.

Cheese! It is my very favorite snack.

I carry a fifty pound sack of it on my back.

For cheddar in my diet is a staple that I lack.

Crack? Its in your butt or the sidewalk.

What is the chicken doing now?

I don’t know.

That feathery schmuck won’t talk.

 

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Search Engine Optimized Poet – What is the Meaning of Life?

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the Googler’s feets, ya dig?

Life! Whoa, life!

Why oh why am I here?

Oh how many nights I have spent,

Trying to find the answer in a beer?up-korora-beatnik-800px

Cheer…for those who know what they are meant for.

Jeer…at those who sleep through life and snore.

Bore.  I don’t want to be an SEO poet anymore.

I want to spread my wings and soar.

My existence should not be such an arduous chore.

But seriously, what is all of this for?

Am I here to play Pokemon Go?

Surely the answer is “no.”

Am I here to watch reality TV?

Surely there must be something better to see.

Drat. I need to pee.

Pouring out existential wisdom and also spent Diet Shasta Orange  into the porcelain throne.

“What is my purpose?!” is the query that I moan.

If you run a dream bank, I’d like to take out a loan.

But alas, that statement I must edit.

For I have run out of credit.

Irony, thy name is life!

For by the time I have figured out thee,

One thing will be for certain…

…you will be done with me.

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Search Engine Optimized Poet – Who Bought the Playboy Mansion?

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the Googler’s feets, ya dig?

up-korora-beatnik-800px.png

Playboy Mansion! Whoa, Playboy Mansion!

Who in the hell purchased you?

Is Hugh Hefner’s reign really though?

I heard Hugh’s neighbor bought you.

To combine both properties and make one out of two.

Your new owner owns Twinkies, the snack cake filled with cream.

I feel like with that mansion, there are jokes to be made about cream.

Dare I dream?

No it would be too obscene.

Charlie Sheen.

He probably would have liked to live there.

I hope I don’t get eaten by a bear.

What is the best brand of underwear?

Can I go to IKEA to buy a chair?

Stare.

At BQB’s web hits as they go up.

Why does that guy at Starbucks write my name on my cup?

I know who I am. I don’t need to be told twice.

If I borrow my friend’s hat, will I come down with lice?

Nice. Is that a good way to be?

I wouldn’t know.

I spend all my time up a tree.

Yippee. It’s time to take a snooze.

Can someone tell me what is the best brand of mattress to use?

I suppose whichever one I choose.

What is happening in the daily news?

The election.

I should give it an inspection.

To determine the country’s ultimate direction.

Wait a minute. I just found my old playboy mags and got an erection.

Damnation. This whole poem needs an entire course correction.

Confection. It’s a sugary snack.

Can you believe that Jon Snow is back?

I’m the worst poet ever. Truly, a hack.

Talent is something that I utterly lack.

Will Fox ever bring Firefly back?

What are the lyrics to Love Shack?

It was the B-52’s greatest hit.

Back in the 90’s. So long ago. I can’t believe it.

Holy shit. Where did the time go?

Can anyone recommend a site that will teach me to sew?

I don’t know. But I know I ripped my pants.

Because I watched So You Think You Can Dance?

And fooled myself into thinking, “Yes. I do think I can dance.”

Like Lady Gaga, I’m trapped in a bad romance…

…with myself. I don’t know how to leave me.

I have dumped myself a thousand times but I inevitably go back to retrieve me.

I shouldn’t take myself back. I will only deceive me.

Perhaps myself and I should get a divorce.

I could drive away. Myself could leave on a horse.

The Norse. Aren’t they from Norway?

I have hit rock bottom. I have nothing left to say.

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How to Tell If Your Website is Mobile Friendly

Greetings 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I don’t remember exactly when, but at some point in the last year, those fine folks at Google announced that websites that are mobile friendly would be, and I’m not quite sure how to explain this, given more consideration I guess in web hits.

There are probably nerdmeisters that can explain this better but ultimately, if you have a post about how to kick a yeti in the face and I have a post about to kick a yeti in the face and some schmuck out in Timbuktu does a web search for “How to Kick a Yeti in the Face” – your website is more likely to come up higher in said schmuck’s search results if yours is mobile friendly and mine is not.

What’s that? You want to know if your website is user friendly but you don’t know who to find out?

You are in luck, reader.

Google has a mobile friendly test.

Simply enter your URL and it well tell you if your site is mobile friendly or not.

Alas, it turns out that my fine website, bookshelfbattle.com is not considered mobile friendly at all.

If anything, it is mobile anti-social.

So I suppose at some point down the road I will take the plunge and find a new theme.

I worry about that. I feel like the baseball player that doesn’t want to change his smelly underpants in the bottom of the ninth because wearing smelly underpants has helped him win so far so why change anything?

But I suppose if hits are at stake I must do what I can to get those sweet, sweet web hits.

The last thing I need is for some OTHER jackass with a website about being a magic bookshelf caretaking yeti fighter with an alien buddy stealing MY web hits.

 

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Daily Discussion with BQB – What Advice Do You Have for the Class of 2016?

Hey 3.5 Readers.1398459277

Wow. Uncle Hardass was kind of hard on the graduates, wasn’t he?

Oh well. That’s what he does.

My main achievement in life is being the proprietor of a blog with 3.5 readers, so I don’t want to hold myself out as an esteemed example for the graduates to follow.

But, here are my thoughts:

WHAT SHOULD I STUDY? WHAT SHOULD BE MY MAJOR? (DO YOUR RESEARCH)

If you’re a college graduate, you’ve already answered this question yourself.

If you’re a high school graduate, you’re about to.

This is a tough one.  The whole college process is very odd.  We take very young people who (I don’t want to say all) but many haven’t experienced the hard knocks of life yet, aren’t aware of who they are or what their strengths and weaknesses are…

…and then we ask them at age 18 to sign up for a course of study that will dictate their profession for the rest of their lives.

Part of me wonders if maybe there shouldn’t be a post high-school period where high school graduates just work for a little while. Save up some money. Get some entry level experience in fields you are interested in to see if you like those fields or not.

Figure out a) which profession holds your interest and b) which profession you’re able to do without feeling like you want to jump out of a window because as it turns out, you don’t like it.

Youngsters are bright eyed and busy tailed.  They believe things will always work out. The roughest thing to go with is spending a long time (and a lot of money) on a course study that either a) doesn’t lead to any viable job opportunities for you or b) you just plain hate it after you learn more about what the job actually entails.

I don’t want to be one of those adults that says “you kids have it good” but you know what? You kids have it good.

The Internet was in its infancy when I went to college.  Back then, there wasn’t a lot of information about various career options.

Today, there’s a vast wealth of online knowledge about the various occupational tracks you can take.

Back in my day, as in your day today, when you went to some kind of informational recruiting event at a college, the faculty members in charge of the program will give you a stellar pitch. That’s their job. They’re not in the business of telling you why you shouldn’t be coming to their school to study in their department.

Now, you can go online and look up all the info.  How much can people in a certain job expect to make? How much crap will they have to go through? What is the competition for jobs like? Are there a lot of graduates in that field who have been twiddling their thumbs for years who aren’t able to find a job in that field? Have their been a lot of cutbacks meaning freshly minted grads will find themselves competing against older, more experienced workers with lots of training under their belts?

What are the pros and cons?  Are there stories from people who are glad they chose this path?  Are there people who wish they’d never heard of this particular course of study and would gladly go back in time and change majors if they could?

Kids, you do have it better than any previous generation when it comes to researching potential majors and career paths, so whatever you do, don’t go into this blind. Take advantage of the plethora of information that is out there.

Whatever you pick, you’ll be stuck with, so research, research, research.  Be honest with yourself, who you are, what you’re good at, what you’re not good at, and ultimately, if you think a certain profession is something you’d enjoy doing.

KNOWLEDGE VS. SKILLS

I have to be honest. I’ve been through a lot of school, but I don’t really feel like any of my professors passed any worthwhile, employable skills to me.

College and grad school made me smart. It made me intelligent. It filled my head with knowledge that I can crack out at parties.

But like a junkyard dog, I still had to scramble for anything good that came my way.

I don’t necessarily want to generalize, but on the whole, say in the Baby Boomers’ day, getting a college degree meant you were set for life.

Today, getting a college degree is like getting a high school degree because so many people have them.

Many majors focus on thinking and specifically, the thought processes that apply to a particular occupation.

But, if you can get some actual hands-on skills, that’d be great. If you can actually DO something, that would be awesome.

If you leave college being able to fix a computer or something that’d be awesome.

This does bring up the whole debate about colleges vs. vocational skills and I’ll just reiterate that I do think we need to move towards not making the kid that picks plumbing or HVAC repair feel like they’re dummies.

Sigh. There were so many kids I graduated with that I thought were dummies who got trade jobs because I thought, that’s the best those dummies could do and ironically, many of them do much better than this nerd today.

PIE IN THE SKY PROFESSIONS

If you want to be an actor, singer, dancer, musician, writer, or something else equally unlikely, I don’t want to be the one who stifles your dream and/or creativity.

Chances are, you know about the odds already.

The argument against pursuing these dreams is that you’ll one day find you are thirty years old, that you spent a lot of time chasing a dream that didn’t happen, it’s starting to look like your dream will never happen and you don’t really have any skills that can land you a job where you can make a decent living.

You’ll end up crying, “Oh, if only I’d become a Certified Public Accountant or a Dental Hygienist” or something.

Here’s my take on it.

I don’t want to tell you to go all out, balls to wall, after your dream because hey, the odds are against you making it.

But, in my case, I dropped my pie in the sky dream of being a writer to pursue a more traditional career path.

As of today, it worked out well, but for many years pretty hellacious.

I know what it is like to send out resumes with no responses.

I know what it is like to want to just drop to your knees and beg a potential employer to give you a chance.

I know what it is like to get that form letter in the mail telling you thanks for applying but we can’t hire you at this time.

Ultimately, all the time I spent until I finally was accepted into a traditional career path – there’s a part of me that feels like I probably would have had more fun had I just moved out to LA, waited tables by day and worked on movie scripts at night.

Where am I going with this?

If you pursue a pie in the sky dream, the odds are overwhelmingly against you.

But, the economy does suck, so you’re also going to have to fight for a traditional job too.

That’s not necessarily an invite to ignore tradition and embrace pie on the sky.

You still have a much, much better chance at becoming an accountant or a dentist than you do an actor or a gainfully employed writer.

What you have to ask yourself is how much failure will you be able to accept?

If you can honestly say that at age thirty, you won’t regret spending ten years waiting tables and going to acting auditions.  If you can look at it as an enjoyable experience, that you’re glad you gave your all to your dream, then go for it.

If you think that you’ll reach age thirty and if nothing ever came of your auditioning efforts, that you won’t totally hate yourself and be horribly mean to yourself and start yelling at yourself for not becoming a dentist when you were younger, then just seek that traditional occupation now.

That’s why I sought the traditional path.  I knew if it didn’t work out, I’d be very critical of myself.  I’m still very critical of myself anyway but that’s just who I am.  I am very mean and rude to myself.

My other thoughts:

  • If you get accepted to say, Julliard, or some other big city/big name acting/performance program, you’ll definitely want to go. In that case, you’ll be making contacts in “the business.”  However, if you go to college in Buttwatter, Nowheresville, I’m not sure what you gain from majoring in Theater Arts under the direction of some wannabe actor living in Buttwater, Nowheresville.  If you’re in that situation, major in something useful and then explore your dream if you so desire.
  • If you want to split the difference, you might consider some professions you could do where you’d earn more money, develop a good career path, and still pursue your big dream.  Just off the top of my head, I feel like there are many jobs that require you to work days, nights, weekends and are very unforgiving if you take time off.  On the other hand, there are many jobs where you’ll be allowed a certain number of days off per year and all you need do is tell your boss when you need to take one and boom you have a day off to go to your audition or whatever.
  • I am, yet again, going to tell you kids how much better you have it than I do.  “When I was your age” there was no YouTube, so I wasn’t able to make funny videos.  There was no Facebook or Twitter for me to promote them.  Blogging? Schmogging.  That wasn’t around either.  I can tell you unequivocally, 110% I firmly believe that had all this stuff been around when I was 20, I would have gotten myself on Saturday Night Live and would be enjoying my movie career today.  That’s not bravado, that’s just me feeling I have skill but alas, lacked opportunity when I was in my prime. (Pssst – it’s bravado.  I’m not totally sure I’d of ended up on SNL, but I can tell you I would have had a fun ass time making YouTube videos had it been around when I was young.)
  • The good news for you youngsters is that all this technology could very well help you in that you don’t necessarily always HAVE to choose between traditional jobs and pie in the sky dreams.  Want to be a writer? Get a traditional job in a traditional occupation.  Then write your ass off on the nights and weekends and self publish.  Want to be an actor? Make some videos and post them on YouTube. (Ah the rub with all this though is if you’re posting anything out to the public, you’ll probably want to be cool and tone it down somewhat because potential employers of your traditional field will be squares, beholden to the man and wary if you’re posting salacious stuff.)  At any rate, keep pursuing both and either a) your dream will materialize and you can quit your day job or b) your dream will sink like a stone but at least you’ve put a lot of time and effort into a traditional job so you can move up the ranks in that profession, put food on your table, bank money, go on trips and vacations, live in a decent house, start a family, all that good stuff.

YOU GUYS DON’T COMPLETELY HAVE IT BETTER THAN I DID

The tech you have available to you at a time when you’re young and can really do something with it is amazing.  Of that, I’m envious.

But, on the flip side, the world is getting scarier.  The country is getting more and more divided. The economy’s worse than ever.  College costs more than ever yet a degree is less likely to secure you a job than ever.

Sooo…I get it.  In many ways, the world is a rough place for you.

(But seriously, I wish I grew up in a time when you could buy all the shit you need to start your own Internet TV show from Best Buy for a couple hundred bucks, you lucky, lucky bastards.)

FINALLY…

I am a dumbass who just writes a blog for 3.5 readers.  Do not take anything I said above as advice.  You should in no way rely on any of it. Do your own research.  Make your own plans.  Make your own choices.  Just don’t make decisions based on statements made on blogs that only have 3.5 readers, like this blog, for example.

Oh that leads me to my…

DISCUSSION QUESTION – 3.5 readers, what advice do you have for the Class of 2016?

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BQB’s Monthly Stats for the Past Year

Hey 3.5 Readers.1371251154

BQB here. So I just analyzed my monthly stats for the past year and here’s what popped out at me:

  • Every month I get approximately 1,000 visitors.  Sometimes it is one or two hundred more. It wasn’t less than 1,000 in the past year.
  • Every month I get approximately 2,000 views.  (Now, there’s a wider deviation here. Sometimes it’d be less, like 1700 views.  Sometimes it’d be way more, like 2,600 views.)

So my first reaction is that the people who stop by this fine blog like it so much they click on it twice.

But then I realized there are probably a lot of people who just click on it once.  Meanwhile, there are probably people who like what they see and click away to see what other posts are on here to enjoy.

It does tell me I need to organize things better. There are people who are getting a kick out of things enough that they’d probably read through my back catalog of online nonsense if I archived it better and made it more accessible.

It is a nice feeling though that people are liking what they see and looking around the site for more.

I have always looked at increasing visitor stats as being key because, well, the more the merrier.

However, I am realizing that view stats are equally important because it can tell you if people are enjoying the site.

I suppose there are different ways to analyze how good your party was. Did a lot of people show up? That’s good. Did they boogie down and mix and mingle or did they all sit in the corner and stare at the walls? We of course, want the first option.

Get down. Boogie woogie woogie. You know the song.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Am I reading my stats right?

By the way, I’m going to have to have a chat with my BQB HQ bookkeeper.

How can I get 1,000 visitors a month and still only have 3.5 readers?

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Search Engine Optimized Poet #2 – Why Do Men Have Nipples?

Nipples!  Whoa, nipples!up-korora-beatnik-800px

Why are there nipples on a man?

It’s not like they can squirt milk into a can.

Or can they?  A Google search for this info is now a part of my plan.

Flan?  How do I make it?

And your coffee.  How do you take it?

Is a Keurig easy to use?

Which brand of java should I use?

Booze.  Which kind is best to get me drunk?

Will the city dump take all of my junk?

I’m in a funk.  Because I want to know whether or not it will rain.

And which is the best laundry detergent?  Tide or Gain?

Who is that stuck up dude who used to play Dr. Frasier Crane?

Oh search engine, there is so much for you to explain.

Like why are there bubbles in champagne?

Maybe to help me celebrate.

What is the best site to find a date?

How many oranges come in a crate?

Does anyone remember that old TV show, “Sister Kate?”

Wasn’t it only on air for a year?

Where can I find the tastiest beer?

There are so many things that I fear.

Like what do I do if I get bitten by a gnome?

Will I be ok?  Should I just go on home?

Foam.  Where can I find a pillow made out of foam?

Did E.T. ever phone home?

Of that film, I am very fond.

Speaking of movies, who was the best James Bond?

Do gentlemen really prefer blondes?

How do I take of my fern’s delicate fronds?

I wish there weren’t so many questions floating around inside my mind.

Oh Internet, sweet Internet, I really am in a bind.

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Mitch Albom Article – Teacher Fired – Cell Phone Privacy

Hey 3.5 Readers.

If you’re like me, you’re a nerd interested in technology, so this story I found on USA TODAY stood out to me.

It is by Mitch Albom, author of Tuesdays with Morrie, which is a great book by the way.

The synopsis:  Teacher took nude selfie for husband for Valentine’s Day.  Left it on her phone.  Left phone unattended on her desk.  Student picked up phone, went through it, found the naughty photo, took a picture of it, sent it around everywhere, teacher gets fired, eventually student gets in trouble.

Tough case, right? Yes, it is very stupid to take a naked picture of yourself and doubly stupid to leave it on your phone.  There’s no guarantee of privacy on the Internet so anything you don’t want “out there” shouldn’t be created in the first place.

But then again, this is her private phone.  No one has the right to go through any item that belongs to someone and look around through it.

Yet, I can also see the argument that she brought this phone into a school.  When she did, she brought every virtual piece of data on the phone into the school, including the nude photo.

Definitely should have had a passcode on the phone.  Who doesn’t have a passcode on their phone these days?

I can sympathize with the teacher.  Some silly thing she did in passing, something she thought only she had access to, never thought it would lead to anything.

I do think this is an issue where lawyers.have taken away common sense in the workplace.  The common sense approach would have been to give the teacher a lecture to never let this happen again or else you’re fired.

But I assume the administrators felt the safest thing (for them) would be to fire her outright.

Anyway, lessons to be learned:

  • Don’t take nude photos of yourself.  I don’t because no one wants to see that.  You shouldn’t because no matter how secure you think you are, it can always get out somehow.
  • If you’re stupid and do so anyway, don’t leave them on your device. Delete, delete, delete.
  • Keep in mind when you take your phone into a public building, you’re taking everything on it into a public building.
  • As a general rule, since your privacy can’t be guaranteed on the Internet, the best practice is to not do anything on the Internet that you wouldn’t want to explain to the authorities and/or your mother later.
  • Put a passcode on your phone!
  • Don’t leave your phone unattended.  Keep it with you at all times.

 

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