Tag Archives: search engine optimization

Search Engine Optimized Poet – An Ode to Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 35 Cents

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the web searchers’ feets, ya dig?

BQB’s latest royalty earnings report for BQB’s Writing Prompts.

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35 cents!  Whoa, 35 cents!

BQB’s book sales profits are incredibly immense!

What will he buy, with 35 cents?

The possibilities are long and intense!

A fence?  To put around BQB HQ to keep out his legions of fans?

Sands, tropical sands, and the best laid plans of mouses and mans.

Jams!  BQB, make your jelly shake…

At the thought of the 35 cents you just did make.

You can now bake…35% of a cake.

Or sleep in a motel room for 35% of the time until you do wake.

Snake.  You could probably buy a serpent.

Or a few flakes of off brand laundry detergent.

Insurgent.  The lady who wrote that made much more than you.

But don’t feel bad, for 35 cents is better than a pile of poo.

That’ll do pig, that’ll do.  It’s what the farmer said to Babe.  I thought you knew.

Didn’t you?  Didn’t you already spend your 35 cents on a stick of gum?

Maybe you should just spread good will and give your 35 cents to a bum.

 

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Search Engine Optimized Poet – Safe Space

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the web searchers’ feets, ya dig?

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Safe space!  Whoa, safe space!

The world is in a state of disgrace!

People want to speak their opinions, directly to my face.

As if there is a divergence of opinion amidst the entire human race.

Race!  To my safe space is where I will go.

For it is a place where no one can tell me, “No!”

Go!  Away is where YOU will be found.

For I should not have to hear different points of view while I am on sacred safe space ground.

Frowned!  That’s what I did, just the other day.

When you stuck a micro-aggression without trigger warning in my way.

At bay!  That’s where I want ideas that are not my own.

Cry long and hard I will if you make your different opinion known.

Phone!  I beg of you, do not use it to bore me,

With your thoughts while I’m safely ensconced in all of my safe space glory.

Story?  Sure, I would love to hear one.

But it’d better end with, “And then everyone agreed with me” before it is done.

Won!  This battle of hearts and minds is what I achieved.

For I managed to tune out any opposing speech that would leave me aggrieved.

At ease!  It’s how I feel now.

Now that I’m going to pet a therapy dog, a therapy cat, a therapy horse and a therapy cow.

Wow!  This therapy coloring book is better than listening to others speak their minds.

You go on without me.  I must stay here and stay within the lines.

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Search Engine Optimized Poet – Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the Googler’s feets, ya dig?

Chicken! Whoa, chicken!

Why oh why did you cross the road?

Was it to get to the other side?

Or was it to carry a load…

…of eggs.  Your tiny chicken kids.

Soft drink cups come with plastic lids.up-korora-beatnik-800px

Bids.  Its what eBay takes.

Whether you want to bid on old custom cars or a pile of used rakes.

Fakes? Most celebrities are.

I think I’ll head out to the nearest sports bar.

I’m going to order a burrito, a mojito and avoid getting bitten by a mosquito, duh!

Because after all, the zika virus is in Florida.

Home of Disneyworld.

This blog is my outlet to let my poetry go unfurled.

Can it ever be re-furled?

I prefer my cheese to be curled.

Cheese! It is my very favorite snack.

I carry a fifty pound sack of it on my back.

For cheddar in my diet is a staple that I lack.

Crack? Its in your butt or the sidewalk.

What is the chicken doing now?

I don’t know.

That feathery schmuck won’t talk.

 

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Search Engine Optimized Poet – What is the Meaning of Life?

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the Googler’s feets, ya dig?

Life! Whoa, life!

Why oh why am I here?

Oh how many nights I have spent,

Trying to find the answer in a beer?up-korora-beatnik-800px

Cheer…for those who know what they are meant for.

Jeer…at those who sleep through life and snore.

Bore.  I don’t want to be an SEO poet anymore.

I want to spread my wings and soar.

My existence should not be such an arduous chore.

But seriously, what is all of this for?

Am I here to play Pokemon Go?

Surely the answer is “no.”

Am I here to watch reality TV?

Surely there must be something better to see.

Drat. I need to pee.

Pouring out existential wisdom and also spent Diet Shasta Orange  into the porcelain throne.

“What is my purpose?!” is the query that I moan.

If you run a dream bank, I’d like to take out a loan.

But alas, that statement I must edit.

For I have run out of credit.

Irony, thy name is life!

For by the time I have figured out thee,

One thing will be for certain…

…you will be done with me.

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Search Engine Optimized Poet – Who Bought the Playboy Mansion?

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the Googler’s feets, ya dig?

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Playboy Mansion! Whoa, Playboy Mansion!

Who in the hell purchased you?

Is Hugh Hefner’s reign really though?

I heard Hugh’s neighbor bought you.

To combine both properties and make one out of two.

Your new owner owns Twinkies, the snack cake filled with cream.

I feel like with that mansion, there are jokes to be made about cream.

Dare I dream?

No it would be too obscene.

Charlie Sheen.

He probably would have liked to live there.

I hope I don’t get eaten by a bear.

What is the best brand of underwear?

Can I go to IKEA to buy a chair?

Stare.

At BQB’s web hits as they go up.

Why does that guy at Starbucks write my name on my cup?

I know who I am. I don’t need to be told twice.

If I borrow my friend’s hat, will I come down with lice?

Nice. Is that a good way to be?

I wouldn’t know.

I spend all my time up a tree.

Yippee. It’s time to take a snooze.

Can someone tell me what is the best brand of mattress to use?

I suppose whichever one I choose.

What is happening in the daily news?

The election.

I should give it an inspection.

To determine the country’s ultimate direction.

Wait a minute. I just found my old playboy mags and got an erection.

Damnation. This whole poem needs an entire course correction.

Confection. It’s a sugary snack.

Can you believe that Jon Snow is back?

I’m the worst poet ever. Truly, a hack.

Talent is something that I utterly lack.

Will Fox ever bring Firefly back?

What are the lyrics to Love Shack?

It was the B-52’s greatest hit.

Back in the 90’s. So long ago. I can’t believe it.

Holy shit. Where did the time go?

Can anyone recommend a site that will teach me to sew?

I don’t know. But I know I ripped my pants.

Because I watched So You Think You Can Dance?

And fooled myself into thinking, “Yes. I do think I can dance.”

Like Lady Gaga, I’m trapped in a bad romance…

…with myself. I don’t know how to leave me.

I have dumped myself a thousand times but I inevitably go back to retrieve me.

I shouldn’t take myself back. I will only deceive me.

Perhaps myself and I should get a divorce.

I could drive away. Myself could leave on a horse.

The Norse. Aren’t they from Norway?

I have hit rock bottom. I have nothing left to say.

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Search Engine Optimized Poet – What is Beyonce’s Lemonade About?

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the Googler’s feets, ya dig?

Lemonade!  Whoa, Lemonade!

What is Beyonce’s new album all about?

Is Rachel Roy “Becky with good hair?”

Of that can there be any doubt?

Or is it about black female power?

Hell, is it just about a tasty yellow drink that is sour?up-korora-beatnik-800px

I swear I don’t know and I have been at this for an hour.

Hair!  Becky with good hair!

Who in the heck could you be?

Where can I find you, Becky oh Becky, are you way up high in a tree?

HBO!  Whoa, HBO!  Why are there so many good shows on you?

When Melisandre turned into an elderly hag, I swear I almost made a Number Two.

Melisandre’s necklace!  Whoa, Melisandre’s necklace!

Every time I say it BQB’s blog stats sore.

Melisandre’s necklace! Whoa, Melisandre’s necklace!

Haven’t I seen Melisandre without her necklace on before?

Snore.  I can’t get to sleep.

Where can I buy a used truck or a Jeep?

Is it very hard to raise sheep?

Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Was he buried too deep?

Creep.  So I’m creepin’ on the down low,

‘Cept nobody’s supposed to know.

Oh Lisa Left Eye Lopes,

You took my heart with you when you did go.

Joe.  I need a good strong cup.

And maybe later I’ll drink a 7-Up.

Did you know Orlando Jones used to be the 7-Up guy?

Crap. I’m so old now I could cry.

But why?  Why is Gwen Stefani the best member of No Doubt?

And please, won’t someone tell me what Beyonce’s Lemonade Album is all about?

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Search Engine Optimized Poet #2 – Why Do Men Have Nipples?

Nipples!  Whoa, nipples!up-korora-beatnik-800px

Why are there nipples on a man?

It’s not like they can squirt milk into a can.

Or can they?  A Google search for this info is now a part of my plan.

Flan?  How do I make it?

And your coffee.  How do you take it?

Is a Keurig easy to use?

Which brand of java should I use?

Booze.  Which kind is best to get me drunk?

Will the city dump take all of my junk?

I’m in a funk.  Because I want to know whether or not it will rain.

And which is the best laundry detergent?  Tide or Gain?

Who is that stuck up dude who used to play Dr. Frasier Crane?

Oh search engine, there is so much for you to explain.

Like why are there bubbles in champagne?

Maybe to help me celebrate.

What is the best site to find a date?

How many oranges come in a crate?

Does anyone remember that old TV show, “Sister Kate?”

Wasn’t it only on air for a year?

Where can I find the tastiest beer?

There are so many things that I fear.

Like what do I do if I get bitten by a gnome?

Will I be ok?  Should I just go on home?

Foam.  Where can I find a pillow made out of foam?

Did E.T. ever phone home?

Of that film, I am very fond.

Speaking of movies, who was the best James Bond?

Do gentlemen really prefer blondes?

How do I take of my fern’s delicate fronds?

I wish there weren’t so many questions floating around inside my mind.

Oh Internet, sweet Internet, I really am in a bind.

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Search Engine Optimized Slam Poetry

:::Bongo drum beats:::

ANNOUNCER: Oh yeah.  Welcome all you hep cats and kittens to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where our poets are never good and the cups are never clean.

Sit back, relax and feast your ears on frequently used search engine terms, as recited by a far out beatnik, ya’ dig?

Kardashian!  Kardashian!

Nude photos are what I do seek.

Sleek and sexy pics of a goddess created in 1980 though I swear her bosoms must have started cooking in 1975. You jive?

This mole!  This mole!  This mole that is on my back.up-korora-beatnik-800px

Should I get it looked at, Jack?

When my mole changes colors, is it bad?

Is it just one of the many bodily imperfections that makes me, me?

Or is it the calling card of the Grim Reaper? No it can’t be.

I am not ready.

Though will I ever be?

Probably not.

How much was that Samsung Galaxy that my neighbor bought?

Women!  Oh women!

How can I look better for chicks?

How can I drop flab and improve my abs?

Where I can I buy a selfie-stick?

Who killed JFK?  Will we meet aliens one day?

Is Trump’s hair for real?  Does Costco have good deals?

How many calories are in McDonald’s meals?

I’m trying to watch my weight.

How do I ask a foxy lady out on a date?

Pluto!  Oh Pluto!  Pluto, are you still a planet?

Or are you just Mickey Mouse’s dog?

How do I fix a toilet that’s been clogged?

Is there anything that Siri doesn’t know?

What in the hell is zero divided by zero?

Can you believe Khloe and Lamar gave it another go?

Whoa!  Put my mind at ease.

What’s the best treatment to cure my dog of those pesky fleas?

Is global warming caused by chopping down too many trees?

What smells can be removed with a spritz of Febreze?

Is there a way I can stop losing my car keys?

I want to go to the movies.

What time does the latest flick start?

And tell me…will I die if I hold in my fart?

Who does Caitlyn Jenner’s hair?

Can Ronda Rousey defeat me with one icy glare?

Is this the right season to buy a pear?

Should I go to IKEA to buy my next chair?

Stamos!  John Stamos!  How in the world does he still look so youthful?

How can I tell if my mate is being truthful?

I can’t think of a word that rhymes with truthful but I can think of thoughts that strain the minds of lesser men.

Why did Mike Brady spend so much time in his den?

Did it make him feel zen?

I know where I am but do you know where I’ve been?

I’ve been to Mars.  On a rocket that was thrustin’.

What’s the latest single from Bieber comma Justin?

Is it Sorry?  Is he really sorry?

What was the first video console ever made?

I bet it was Atari.

After a first date, how many days must I wait…before I can call that chick again?

Was Peter Parker’s father really named Ben?

Stress!  Oh stress!  How can I push you away?

When is the next holiday?

Is Adam Lambert gay?

Is that a cool question to even say?

It probably isn’t.  My apologies.

What is the best wine to drink while eating cheese?

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What is an Unknown Search Term?

On my stats, it will show me where people searched for certain terms and ended up getting to my blog.  It will show me the words/phrases that got eyes over here so I can keep that in mind when writing future posts.

Oh, that reminds me:

NUDE PHOTOS OF KIM KARDASHIAN!  NUDE PHOTOS OF KIM KARDASHIAN!

Sorry about that.  Anyway…so then they also will give you “Unknown search terms” and then just a number.

What does that mean?  What is an unknown search term?  If the mighty wordpress magicians somehow know that certain words/phrases brought people here (i.e. known search terms) how is it possible that they don’t know the other terms that bring people here?

Feed my brain and educate me, tech nerds.

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