Bookshelf Q. Battler – Owner of a Blog with 3.5 Readers, World Renowned Poindexter, Epic Nerdventurer, Reviewer of Pop Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter and Acting Mayor of East Randomtown
Leo McKoy sure has been tossing a lot of insults toward Acting Mayor Battler this season. Meanwhile, here at the Battler campaign, we have refused to trade barbs with McKoy as we’re aware someone as hostile and angry as he is probably has a microscopic wang.
But let’s look at the facts, shall we?
East Randomtownsfolk have long looked to its town’s most famous citizens for leadership.
Mr. McKoy claims fame as “The Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.”
But did he really? When you think about it…
…other than Leo McKoy himself, do we have anyone else’s word that McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek?
No. No we do not.
Let’s pick apart McKoy’s claim.
THAT JAMES VAN DER BEEK WAS IN EAST RANDOMTOWN
Why in God’s name would a popular celebrity with a hit television show (it was the late 90’s at the height of Van Der Beek’s fame when the Creek was on) be caught dead in a shithole like East Randomtown?
The East Randomtown Chamber of Commerce surveyed the town population:
QUESTION: Where would you like to be?
East Randomtown – .1 %
Anywhere Else Because East Randomtown Sucks Ass- .99%
*The guy that voted he’d like to be here later admitted he checked the wrong box by accident, thus indicating that literally no one in this town wants to be here because it sucks so much ass.
There you have it. So why would a celebrity be in East Randomtown? He wouldn’t be. No one wants to be in East Randomtown, let alone rich famous people who don’t have to be.
JAMES VAN DER BEEK ORDERED A REUBEN SANDWICH, BARBECUE CHIPS AND A SPRITE
James Van Der Beek maintains the body of a Greek god to this day, and certainly did while his show was on air in the late 1990’s.
Thus, we have a hard time believing that Mr. Van Der Beek would have stuffed his face with deli food. Everyone knows actors only eat twigs, berries and lettuce leaves.
Could he have splurged for a reuben sandwich, with its high calorie content and all? Maybe.
But would he have also ordered chips? And don’t you think he would have at least asked for a Diet Sprite?
Like a scab, the more you pick at McKoy’s story, the more disgusting shit falls out of it.
LEO MCKOY COULD POSSIBLY BE A DAMN ROBOT
We all saw McKoy die during last October’s zombie apocalypse, didn’t we? He was torn about by hungry zombies who didn’t leave much of our town’s most notorious barfly behind.
We here at the Battler campaign have wracked our brains, trying to figure out how McKoy could still be alive after all of that and our only answer is that he is most likely a robot, possibly controlled by the forces of evil.
To be fair, we have absolutely no evidence of this, but you should believe it without question anyway, because this ad is on the Internet and everybody knows that shit doesn’t get published on the Internet unless it is one hundred percent true.
Do you want someone who claims to be famous or someone who is famous?
Frankly, the only person who can corroborate that Leo McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek is James Van Der Beek. We doubt someone as noble and awesome as Mr. Van Der Beek would ever come to McKoy’s aid.
Meanwhile, Bookshelf Q. Battler has indeed set up a WordPress blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers. He’s happy to share the stats that prove this claim upon request.
You only get one vote, people. Cast yours for Bookshelf Q. Battler. He can do for East Randomtown what he has done for his blog.
PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT LEO MCKOY IS A LYING DOUCHE AND ALSO AN EVIL ROBOT AND THEREFORE YOU SHOULD VOTE BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER FOR EAST RANDOMTOWN MAYOR
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