Tag Archives: 1990s

Movie Review – Space Jam (The Original) 1996

I believe I can fly, 3.5 readers.

BQB here with a review of this classic.

I can’t believe it, but yes, I said classic.

Have you ever had an ex that you dumped because of X reason, but then the years go by, the world beats you up, you suddenly realize nothing and no one is perfect, and all of a sudden, you wish you had them back in your life because the alternatives are so bad that X reason doesn’t even seem like a good reason for dumping them any more?

That’s how I feel about the original Space Jam in light of the new Space Jam.

When I was a kid, I thought the original was a horrid mess, just a dumb piece of film, sans plot, just one big ad for the NBA and Loony Tunes, a marketing ploy to get people to pay attention to both.

Ah, but the new one made me go and seek out the old and…well, it still is a very silly movie…but I’ll admit…there is a better attempt at a plot and much more success at humor.

The thin plot? Swackhammer (Danny Devito) is the crooked owner of the intergalactic theme park known as Moron Mountain. Sales are dwindling, so he wants to kidnap the Looney Tunes and force them to perform for park guests until the end of time. He sends his tiny minions, the wimpy nerdlucks, to kidnap Bugs and Co and while they lack physical size, they make up for it with enormous ray guns that the tunes can’t beat.

In true Bugs fashion, the wascally wabbit sticks a post-it note in a made-up rule book that says the Tunes get a chance to defend themselves (he could have just written you have to let the tunes go but then the movie wouldn’t happen.)

Long story short, Bugs challenges the nerds to a game of basketball, thinking his opponents are so small that he and his loony friends will easily dominate them. Alas, the nerds manage to steal the skills of famous 90s players like Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues and a few others whose names I forget already.

This makes for the funniest parts of the film, as it becomes an ongoing sideplot where the players and the NBA investigate how they lost their skills. The NBA assumes a mysterious virus is in play, so they cancel the season so they can tent and fumigate all the basketball forums, almost a blast from the past that we can relate to today in this age of covid.

Meanwhile, Prince Charles and friends visit doctors, healers and all manner of quacks in the hopes of figuring out how to regain their skills, each scene funnier than the last.

The Tunes kidnap Jordan so he can become their star player, and the film literally wastes no time on Jordan wondering how the heck he got there or being shocked that cartoons and/or aliens are real and so on. Like, it almost would have made more sense if they had spent a minute or two with Jordan being shocked about this, but His Royal Airness is just like, oh well this is just an unexpected pain in the ass thing I have to deal with.

Bill Murray and Wayne Knight round out the cast, Wayne of Seinfeld fame being Jordan’s toadyish sidekick/publicist and Bill declaring that he always harbored a secret desire to play pro ball. B-Ball legend Larry Bird has a few funny scenes, the funniest being when he and Murray witness Jordan being sucked down a golf ball hole and decide that they’re too busy to do anything about and not to worry because he’ll probably be OK.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Both the original and sequel have major plotholes, though both have the attitude of plotholes being so silly that they make the movie good. However, the original at least made an attempt at patching the holes together with tape and glue, while the sequel doesn’t try. I noticed more second and third billing tunes were allowed in the original, which makes me think these cartoons are so old that today’s kids only know about Bugs and his immediate friends. The original is only an hour and a half long, whereas the sequel drones on, and the Tunes get way more screen time. The film has a self-depricating approach, where the tunes themselves mock things that don’t make sense, spiriting plotholes away with a joke.

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BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Men in Black (1997)

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Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Something about watching MIB: International made me nostalgic for the good old days when the MIB films were first released.  I watched the first last night and the second tonight, so here’s my review of the original with a review of the sequel coming later.

At the time, this movie was super original and it broke some barriers by blending science fiction with comedy and knocking both out of the park.

On a personal level, it reminds me of my high school days, a time that was happy and safe and my life was ahead of me and anything was possible.  Sad that I squandered it all to become a blog proprietor with only 3.5 readers but oh well.  What can you do?

In the first film, Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) is the top veteran agent in MIB.  His partner gets old and accordingly, gets his memory wiped.  Looking for new blood, K recruits an NYPD officer (a young Will Smith in all his glory) to become Agent J.

As Agent J, Smith conveys the sense of surprise we all feel as we enter the MIB world for the first time.  Confusion and awe of a myriad of humorous and or scary things about the world around us, all revolving around the fact that we aren’t alone in the universe.  We aren’t even alone on this planet, for alien beings live among us in human suits, animal suits, dog suits and what have you.  It’s all the best kept secret there ever was and MIB keeps the beans from being spilled so humans can go about their lives without fear of the constant threat of alien invasion.

A plot unfolds involving the fate of, well, not our galaxy but a galaxy.  The Arkellians want to save it and a bug monster who turns a farmer (Vincent D’Onofrio) into a poorly fitted skin suit are at odds over it.  To the rescue comes Agents K and J, with the help of mortician Laurel (Lindo Fiorentino) who K has mind erased way too many times because, let’s face it, those alien bodies keep piling up.

Feels like just yesterday I saw this and now so much of my life is gone.  Sigh.  So much suckage.

This is Will Smith’s best work and I remember being young and watching him run down that alien in the beginning of the movie and thinking I’d love to be that fast when I grow up and now I’m old and wish I could be like that so I guess Will’s lead a pretty enviable life.

There’s a bittersweet scene in which J and K pull over an alien couple who are on their way out of New York City.  They’re on a rural road.  K is outside the car, questioning the driver.  Alas, the wife goes into labor.  J sticks his head into the backseat to help and before you know it, he’s being slammed all over by an octopus tentacle, presumably having popped out of the lady’s nether regions.

It’s hysterical because it’s all happening in the background.  K and the driver chat, totally oblivious to J’s plight.

But it’s also sad because the Twin Towers are so prominently seen in the background.  Damn you, Al Qaeda!

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Top Ten Songs of 1991

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Hey 3.5 readers.

I’m DJ BQB and I’m spinning the greatest hits of 1991, but it will have to be in your mind because this is a blog post.  Better yet, go out and stream some of these hits and transport yourself to the days when Bush the Elder was president.  Wow, so much time has gone by.

#10 – Enter Sandman – Metallica

“Hush little baby, don’t say a word.  And never mind that noise you heard.”

Gotta say, by today’s standards, there’s something creepy about grown ass metal rockers warning a theoretical little kid listener about all the evils that will come for them when they go to sleep but then again, I suppose this song is maybe a metaphor about how bad things happen just when you think life is going your way…I think.  Who knows?

It’s fun to rock out to though.

#9 – Give It Away – Red Hot Chili Peppers 

What you got you gotta give it to your mama, your papa…I don’t know.  Nonsense words, really.  But if there’s a better band of shirtless Californians with long hippy hair, I’ve yet to see it.

#8 – Motownphilly – Boyz II Men

These dudes had skills.  They made that “I’ll Make Love to You” song that serves as a soundtrack for many risque encounters and they did that “End of the Road” song which you need to play when one of your homeboys dies.  So they wrote the soundtrack for death and sex if you think about it.

PS – I’ll be honest they may have had bigger hits than Motownphilly I’m just not sure when they came out so if they had a bigger hit that came out in 1991, my bad.

#7 – Losing My Religion – R.E.M.

I’ve been a humorist my entire life, ever since I popped out of my mother’s snootch with a pair of Groucho glasses on.  Ergo, it’s hard for me to not think of history in terms of jokes what were popular at the time.  Thinking about this song reminds me of that inevitable joke that people busted on it, i.e. you’d make fun of it by just saying “That’s me in some place” like “That’s me in the taco stand…that’s me in the parking lot….that’s me in the grocery store….that’s me in the laundromat.”

#6 – Shiny Happy People – R.E.M.

I’ll give them another one, though Boyz II Men should probably get more spots on this list too.  At any rate, the 1990s were a time of peace and prosperity.  WWII was long over.  The Soviet Union was on the way out.  There weren’t any wars on the horizon.  For a brief, flickering moment it looked like America would be able to come together and enjoy some stability…and act like shiny happy people holding hands…finally.

Think we’ll ever get there again, 3.5 readers?

#5 – O.P.P. – Naughty By Nature

Want to know how woke the world has become since the early 1990s, 3.5 readers?

At the time, the big complaint about this song was that people should never steal someone else’s pussy.

Today, the complaint is the backward notion that a pussy could belong to anyone other than she to whom it is attached.

#4 – Good Vibrations – Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

I was just a kid at the time but even then had you told me that the guy who sings this song would one day become an Oscar level actor, I would have not believed you.

#3 – Something to Talk About – Bonnie Raitt

TRANSLATION OF THIS SONG – If people are accusing us of humping anyway, then we should just go ahead and hump.

Therefore, by the transitive property, Bonnie Raitt is a fan of humping.  Who isn’t though?

#2 – I Wanna Sex You Up – Color Me Badd

Who doesn’t?

#1 – Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana

The song and/or accompanying album that changed the music world as well as the rock genre.  Rock no longer had to be fun, funky, or even campy.  It could be depressed.

Earlier I mentioned the 1990s were good times.  Unfortunately, it’s just human nature for people to be unhappy when there isn’t conflict.  You had the old people bitching and moaning about how tough they had it and how that strife made them better people, but now old the young people had grown soft.  Yup, we’re soft, so I guess we’ll just rock out to our ennui.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Paula Abdul came out with another album with songs like, “Rush, Rush” this year.  It was good, but her best stuff was in the 1980s.

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

Michael Jackson had a comeback album with songs like “Black and White” that are still memorable today, though given the recent Showtime documentary, I think Michael’s days of being remembered in any kind of fond light are over.

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Top Ten Songs of 1990

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Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.  I’m going to start a new feature on this fine blog.  We talk about books and movies, mostly movies here, but why not songs?  I’ll be going through the music industry’s past catalogs and if I miss one of your favorites, let me know in the comments.

Let’s start with 1990.

#10 – Nothing Compares to You – Sinead O’Connor 

That voice!  That bald head!  What was up with that bald head anyway?  Maybe she just wanted to be all about the music and not about the hotness and good looks that most singers embrace.  She did rip up a photo of the Pope on SNL but knowing the Pope, he probably forgave her.  He has to.   He’s the Pope, right?

#9 – Vogue – Madonna

All I remember is that it became a running joke that when you wanted to pretend you were a rich celebrity, you’d shout, “Vogue!” and then hold up your hands around your face like you were framing your face.

#8 -Poison – Bell Biv Devoe

Never trust a big butt and a smile, 3.5 readers.  It was good advice then and it’s good advice now.

#7 – U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer

Who could forget those pants?  I just wish Hammer had remembered to save some of that money.

#6 – Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice

Alright, stop.  Collaborate and listen.  Ice is back with a brand new edition. I think that’s how it goes.  Poor Ice.  He was destined to become a one hit wonder, but at least his hit was very catchy.

#5 – The Humpty Dance – Digital Underground

Oh, Humpty.  With your Groucho glasses and your old timey fur coat, you really tried to make the humorous rap genre take flight.  At least you weren’t a one hit wonder.  You were at least a two hit wonder because All Around the World Same Song was pretty bangin’ too.  And you introduced us to Tupac.

#4  – Mama Said Knock You Out – LL Cool J

To this day, if there’s a better song to work out to, I haven’t heard it.

#3 – Friends in Low Places – Garth Brooks

I don’t what it was about 1990.  The music industry was really kicking it, and country was no exception.  This one really sealed the day for our cowboy in black.

#2 – Cradle of Love – Billy Idol

Alas, rock and roll would die a seemingly final death in the early 2000s, but in the early 1990s, Billy was still rocking with British flair.

#1 – Gonna Make You Sweat – C and C Music Factory

When C and C commands that, “Everybody dance now,” we listen.  Try your best not to.  Even today.

HONORABLE MENTION

Groove is in the Heart – Deee-Lite

Psychadelic stuff.

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What If This is As Good As it Gets?

 

When I was in my late teens, “As Good as it Gets” with Jack Nicholson was a gangbuster comedy and a rare funny movie that got Oscar love.

The story follows a cranky old novelist Melvin who gets irate if every little thing in his life isn’t exactly perfect.  When his usual waitress (Helen Hunt) takes sick leave to care for her ill son, Melvin goes bonkers because no other waitress is able to handle all of his unusual little requests and quirks and demands.

He finds the waitress and hires a great doctor to cure the boy.  Waitress and Melvin become unlikely friends and they take Melvin’s neighbor (Greg Kinnear) on a road trip.  Greg is an artist who is attacked and robbed and he has to suck it up and ask his estranged parents who don’t approve of his gay lifestyle for a loan to keep him afloat as he has lost so much money due to the attack and medical bills etc.

At some point in the film, Melvin realizes he will never not be pissed off all the time.  Helen Hunt will always be an unappreciated single mom.  Greg will probably keep letting the wrong people into his life who do bad things to him (the robbery and attack were from a former boyfriend).

Melvin says, “What if this is as good as it gets?”

In other words, a point comes where we realize we have peaked and it is unlikely that life will ever get any better.  If anything, it’s just a steep decline until death from hereon out.

As I reach 40, I realize the time to get things done is when you are young.  Unfortunately, I spent my best years making a lot of dumb decisions and I thought my youth made me Superman, “Eh, I’ll fix my life tomorrow for I have plenty of time.  Today, I will eat cookies and play video games.”

It would have been nice to have gotten a sequel.  Maybe Jack and Helen get married and Jack becomes less dickish since he has love and Helen can breathe a little easier if Jack is helping with the kid.

Maybe Greg will find a love that won’t break into his house and beat him up and steal his stuff.

I don’t know.  But I’ll tell you I didn’t get that line when I was younger but now that I’m older, I understand it.  What if this is as good as it gets?

Sigh.

P.S. – One of my favorite quotes.  A female fan asks novelist Jack “How do you write women so well?” He responds, “I think of a man and then I take away reason and accountability.”

So much of this movie probably wouldn’t fly today even though the movie was fairly “woke” for its time.  Jack was a cranky prick who made fun of Greg for being gay but when the chips were down, he cared enough about his neighbor to lend a hand.  Jack’s obviously been jilted in the past so that he doesn’t have a lot of respect for women but Helen’s kindness helps him find it.  Actually, that’s another great line.  “You make me want to be a better man.”

Today, in a reboot everyone would have to be nice and get a long but maybe the point is we’ll all never see eye to eye since our experiences have been different but can we count on each other when the chips are down is the question.

OH, I SHOULD MAKE A POINT: The point is, I wish I had understood when I saw this movie in my late teens that life eventually does peak, so when I was young, I should have climbed a much higher mountain so I could have a much better view for a while in my 40s and possibly 50s before I start tumbling down the hill in my 60s (if I get that far, hopefully, knock on wood.)  So, if you’re a younger member of the 3.5 reader club, start climbing now, bitch.

 

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BQB’s Movie Reviews – Passenger 57 (1992)

Always bet on black, 3.5 readers.

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I caught this blast from the past last night after not seeing it since I was a kid and it is amazing the things you notice as an adult.

First, it features a young Elizabeth Hurley as a flight attendant and she’s so young that I didn’t even recognize it was her until just now when I looked the film up on IMDB.  Ahh, Liz.  You were the subject of so many of my 1990’s boner fantasies.  I fapped to you before anyone knew what fapping was.

Sorry for perving out there.  Moving on, it also stars a young Tom Sizemore, looking physically fit and strong, long before he succumbed to Hollywood excess.  Eh, then again excess or not we all get old I suppose.

Except Wesley Snipes seems like he never ages so he must be drinking some special health juice or something.  Back in the 1990s, Wesley Snipes was a legit action movie star, complete with the karate moves, the one liners uttered upon defeating a villain, the works.

Here, Snipes plays John Cutter, an airline security expert hired to head up security operations for a major airline.  He suffers from a tragedy, namely he lost his wife when he confronted a robber and has always regretted trying to be the hero.  Thus, in security classes he teaches to airline staff, he advises everyone to cave in to any and all hijacker demands.

Ironically, this movie gives us a view into the pre-9/11 world of airline hijacking.  It’s funny, every once in awhile, a young person in the extended BQB family will ask me why didn’t the people on the planes that were used in the 9/11 attacks just kick the asses of the bad guys?

Well, because pre-9/11, airplanes were hijacked all the time and it was standard procedure that everyone was expected to just shut up and do whatever the bad guys wanted and usually the hijacker either was trying to make a political statement or he was trying to get the plane to fly somewhere he otherwise could not have gotten to.  Often, compliance with hijacker demands led to a safe resolution (though not always.)

I’m serious, kids.  This shit was on TV all the time in the 1980s and 1990s.  Hearing a TV anchorman say “A plane got hijacked today” was like “The sky was blue today.”  In retrospect, the government should have done more to stop hijackings, but the old thought process was that it was unlikely that hijackers would crash the plane because then they’d die to and unfortunately it took a new kind of hijacker who was willing to die to convince the powers that be to get off their asses and provide safe, secure airline travel.

In addition to increased security measures, the passenger mindset has also changed.  Today, I think passengers are so scared of another 9/11 that if a dude were to pull a gun on a plane, they’d jump him and kick his ass, fears of getting shot be damned.  I could be wrong on that.  Hopefully, there won’t ever be a case where found out.

Getting back to the story, Cutter has to rethink his compliance strategy when Charles Rayne (played by the similarly named Bruce Payne), a British terrorist being transported by the FBI on the same plane as Cutter, escapes custody and takes control of the aircraft.

There are some awesome fight scenes though once the plane lands, it’s mostly Snipes and Payne running around a Southern hick town fairground trying to kick each other’s ass while a stereotypically incompetent Southern sheriff botches the entire situation.

There are some un-PC things that happen in the movie though I’ll let you decide if they are or are not OK given the context.  First, that iconic line, “Always bet on black.”  That’s Snipes’ career building catchphrase, perhaps the line he’ll be remembered most for.

Today, it seems silly for a character to even mention his race.  “Bet on me” would be the proper response to a villain, yet 1990s action flicks really depended on witty one-liners being said by the hero to the bad guy who is usually smug and didn’t see his comeuppance coming.

Second, Snipes’ love interest, a flight attendant (Alex Datcher) who initially can’t stand him, seeks revenge by seating an annoyingly chatty old lady next to Snipes.  The old woman talks and talks and talks, much to Snipes’ chagrin and finally when she mentions “I love your show” we learn (millenials won’t get it) that the old woman believes Cutter is Arsenio Hall.

That joke continues throughout the movie even to the end, when Cutter saves the day and the old woman does the “Woo woo woo” dog barking sound/hand gesture that Arsenio’s audience was known for.

Is the joke politically incorrect?  Yes.  Does it also mock passive racism, thus showing that sometimes white people who truly believe they are the least racist people ever might accidentally let an unconscious racial offense slip through?  Yes.  The woman is a sweet old lady but obviously, thinks all black people are interchangeable and so any black man she meets must be the only black man she knows, and the only one she knows is on TV.

Utlimately, the joke is funny and for people my age who remember Arsenio, it lands.  Cutter suffers the offense with dignity and it’s a teachable moment that probably wouldn’t be allowed today.

Finally, plot holes abound, though they don’t necessarily ruin the film.  For example, Rayne is such a dangerous criminal, a mastermind who has escaped before and they put him on a plane with one inept FBI agent watching him?  Give me a break.  They’d put him in a Hannibal Lecter suit and wheel him around tied whilst strapped to a hand truck.

Also, it’s an early example of bad product placement in movies.  Literally, every five minutes, someone is drinking a Pepsi.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

 

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A Love Letter Using Only 1990s Song Titles

Dearest Macarena,

One Sweet Day, I’ll need you to Hit Me Baby One More Time.  I’m Too Sexy, I Swear, and I’m not a Loser.  Is this the End of the Road?  No, and No Scrubs could ever be Killing You Softly with His Song.  Will we be Livin’ La Vida Loca?  You Can’t Touch This?  That’s cold as Ice, Ice, Baby.

 

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The Real McCoy – “Oh Look At Me, I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler and I Have a New Book”

By: Leo McCoy, the Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

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Howdy do, 3.5 readers.  Howdy do indeed.

Boy oh boy, Bookshelf Q. Battler sure is insufferable lately, isn’t he?  He’s walking around East Randomtown with his chest all puffed out like he’s the cock of the walk, telling everyone he sees, “Hey, I just published a book on Amazon and you should go download it for free this weekend.”  I bet the guy will even turn that last quote into a hyperlink.  Dang, BQB, you’re such a predictable tool bag.

Sure, it’s a big milestone for our favorite nerd but holy crap nuggets, you know what else is a big achievement?  Delivering a sandwich to James Van Der Beek but did I go around telling everyone about it?

OK.  Yes I did.  I told like thousands of people and still do to this very day.  But I didn’t write a book about it.  I tried to, but all the publishers I sent a pitch letter to rejected me on account of the fact they didn’t think I’d be able to squeeze more than a chapter out about my chance encounter with JVDB.  (That’s what we Van Der Beek Tweakers call ourselves.)

Joke’s on the traditional publishing industry.  They didn’t think I’d be able to squeeze out more than a chapter?  Hell, I’ve squeezed out an entire lifetime’s worth of satisfaction and happiness out of that one meeting.  Double hell, a freight train could collide with my face tomorrow and I’d shout, “I regret nothing, for I met James Van Der Beek!”

Oh la dee da, all the East Randomtownsfolk are up BQB’s butt with a coconut, peddling a bunch of trash talk about how BQB is now officially the most famous man in East Randomtown because he put up a book on Amazon and gave away a few free copies, which, let’s be honest here, because there’s no doubt in my mind that all the free copies BQB has given away so far are being downloaded by his Aunt Gertie.

Tarnation, I wish I had my own Aunt Gertie.  Maybe then I’d have the self-confidence I need to start my own blog and get my own 3.5 readers.  Nah, that doesn’t mean I’m jealous of BQB.  What’s there to be jealous of?  BQB never met James Van Der Beek.

Wait, do you think BQB will get to meet James Van Der Beek now that he’s a big time fancy pants Amazon Kindle author?  Son of a monkey stink, I better up my game.

I know what I got to do now.  I have got to deliver a sandwich to that kid who played Pacey.  Anyone remember his name?  Aw hell, who could remember anything when you’re mind is clouded with images of JVDB’s flaxen hair and steamy come hither eyes?

Not that I’m gay or nothin.’

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BQB’s Ultimate 1990s Fap List

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Behold!  In no particular order, the list of babes I was tossing the old pickle around to while Bill Clinton was president:

#1 – Sarah Michelle Gellar – Buffy fap.

#2 – Britney Spears – Hit me baby one more fap.

#3 – Christina Applegate – Kelly Bundy fap.

#4 – Alicia Silverstone – Clueless Batgirl fap.

#5 – Jenna Jameson – First porn superstar fap.

#6 – Pamela Andersen – Baywatch fap.

#7 – Anna Nicole Smith – Ridiculously big bazongas.  RIP fap.  Too soon, too soon.

#8 – Britney Murphy – Another fap gone too soon.  Why, God, why?

#9 – Tia Carerre – Wayne’s World.  Deserved a longer career fap.  Should still be in movies now far.

#10 – Asia Carerre – Tia Carerre knockoff porn star fap.  Tia should have sued.

#11 – Jennifer Love Hewitt – Or as we called her in the 90s, “Jennifer Love Huge Tits.”  Ha! Now that’s good satire, fap.

#12 – Sandra Bullock – Speed fap.  Don’t let the bus slow down fap.  Hot chick but still approachable fap.

#13 – Drew Barrymore – Hollywood royalty fap.

#14 – Sharon Stone – First vagina in a major film fap.  Scares police detectives with her vagina fap.

#15 – Uma Thurman – Pulp Faption.

#16 – Kate Winslet – Killed Jack by hogging the board, got old, threw the necklace off the boat instead of selling it to help impoverished niece selfish bitch fap.

#17 – Jewel – Crooked teeth yet still hot fap.

#18 – Christina Aguilera – Hits the high notes fap.

#19 – Beyonce – I’m a survivor fap.  (Add in Kelly and Michelle for a Destiny’s Fap.)

#20 – Gwen Stefani – I’m just a girl fap.

#21 – Whitney Houston – I’m every woman fap.

#22  – Shania Twain – That doesn’t impress my fap much.

#23 – Reese Witherspoon – Cruel Faptentions.

#24 – Claire Danes – Romeo and Juliet.  “But soft, what light through yonder window faps?”

#25 – Michelle Williams – Town slut Jen Lindley fap.

#26 – The Spice Girls – “Oh, I’ll tell you what I fap, what I really, really fap!”

#27 – Winona Ryder – Goth fap.

#28 – Tiffani Amber Thiessen – Saved by the Fap Bell.  (We would have also accepted “Kelly Fapowski.”)

#29 – Katie Holmes – Girl next door fap.  Sigh, girl that got away fap.  Double sigh, girl wasted on Tom Cruise fap.

#30 – Cindy Crawford – Supermodel fap.

#31 – Jennifer Aniston – The Rachel fap.

#32 – Neve Campbell – Scream fap.

#33 – Paul Abdul – “Straight up now tell me, do you really wanna fap to me forever?”  SPOILER ALERT: Yes.

#34 – Julia Stiles – 10 Faps I Fap About You

#35 – Madonna – 1990s cone bra phase fap.

#36 – Julia Roberts – Steel Fapnolias

#37 – Fiona Apple – More like Fiona Fapple, am I right?

#38 – Monica Lewinsky – Brought down the leader of the free world with her fapworthiness.

#39 – Elizabeth Hurley – British fap

#40 – Yasmine Bleeth – Baywatch fap.

#41 – Lucy Lawless – Xena, Warrior Fap Princess

#42 – Jenny McCarthy – Singled Out fap.

#43 – Liv Tyler – Steve’s long lost daughter fap.  Also, Fappageddon.

#44 – Kerri Russell – Faplicity.

#45 – Shannon Elizabeth – American Pie fap.

#46 – Elizabeth Berkley – Showgirls fap.  (Seriously, like every 1990s boy including myself snuck out to the video store to rent that movie, secret it home under cover of darkness and slip it in the old VCR while Mom and Dad went to bed.)

#47 – Janet Jackson – Nasty boys, don’t even fap.  Oh you nasty boys.

#48 – Carmen Electra – Invented being famous for no reason long before Kim Kardashian did fap.

#49 – Charlize Theron – Gets more fappable with age.

#50 – Michelle Pfeiffer – Catwoman fap.

#51 – Cameron Diaz – There’s Something Fappable About Mary.

#52 – Denise Richards – Starship Fappers

#53 – Rebecca Gayheart – Noxzema fap.

#54 – Heather Graham – Roller Girl fap.

#55 – Alyssa Milano – Who’s the Boss of My Fap?  Charmed fap.

TO BE CONTINUED – Did I miss a fap worthy 1990s babe?  Add your favorites to the comments.

 

 

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Learning that Alicia Silverstone Plays the Mom in the New Wimpy Kid Movie Has Ruined My Life

Hey 3.5 readers.

Let me get this out of the way first.

This is a post that is sort of about the Wimpy Kid movie.  So you might think it’s going to be a wholesome post.

It’s not.  It’s really not.  At all.  In fact, I will be saying very unwholesome things.  Thus, if you proceed ahead, don’t say you weren’t warned.

OK.  Are all the squares gone?

Holy crap balls, 3.5 readers?  Time, you bitch, what are you doing to me?

Do you 3.5 readers have any idea how much fapping I did to Alicia Silverstone in the 1990s?

THE 1990s: Here’s Alicia Silverstone in the Aerosmith video.

BQB:  :::fap fap fap:::

THE 1990s:  Here’s Alicia Silverstone in Clueless.

BQB:  :::fap fap fap:::

THE 1990s: Here’s Alicia Silverstone in a Batgirl costume.

BQB:  :::fap fap fap:::

3.5 readers, I was fapping to Alicia Silverstone long before they even called that particular move, “fapping.”  Why, back in my day, we called it spanking the monkey, flogging the dolphin, pulling the porpoise, shaking hands with the bishop or tickling Mr. Kinish.

And now she’s a Mom!  WTF?!  Why, time, why?!

And worse, she’s not just like a hot mom.  She’s a nerdy mom.  She’s playing a role where she’s embarrassing her kids.   She and her movie husband are singing Spice Girls songs like my folks used to sing all that Woodstock bullshit.

Bahhh!

Actually, the worst part is, I think I could get her now.  I mean, not her specifically, because she’s rich and famous and she was Batgirl but I’m saying, a chick that looks like she does now, which, look, I’m not dumping on her, she looks damn fine for 40 but all I’m saying is that my fantasy is over because when I was a kid she seemed unattainable and now that I’m getting older and she’s getting older, I think I could, through a combination of my impressive job at Beige Corp and the impressive nature of owning a blog read by 3.5 people, I could possibly get a chick that looks like Alicia Silverstone looks now.

Back then?  No.  Today?  Like 45% sure.

I guess I’ll just have to fap to my other 1990s back up, Christina Applegate aka Kelly Bundy on Married with Children.

3.5 READERS: BQB, she played the mom in the Vacation movie reboot.

BOO!!!!  BOO!!!

Sigh.  If Sarah Michelle Gellar ever starts playing moms I’m just going to pack it all up and give up.  Life will be a sea of confusion and depression for me at that point.

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