Tag Archives: random thoughts

Nov 17 2015
9 Comments
Random Thoughts, Uncategorized

Random Thoughts

  •  Is it me, or does WordPress change things around every five seconds?  I feel like no two visits to my dashboard are ever the same.  File under: nerd problems.
  • If you haven’t checked out Undesiredverse: Wanted yet, please do.  Give me a thumbs up or a thumbs down.  Tell me if it stinks.  Tell me if you like it.  Tell me if you think there are dishwasher instruction manuals that could get more sales.  I’d love your input, especially the negative kind to help it improve.
  • Did I mention you can read it on bookshelfbattle.com or on Wattpad?  If you’re on Wattpad, you might find that to be the better experience as all the Chapters are right there whereas they tend to get bumped down on this blog.
  • Call of Duty.  Halo 5.  Fallout 4.  Star Wars:  Battlefront.  I don’t think I’ll see Video Game Rack Fighter again until March:

shutterstock_71046703

Video Game Rack Fighter

  • I was sorry to hear about Charlie Sheen.  There are probably 10,000 jokes that could be made about how this is not surprising but Attorney Donnelly advises me that AIDS jokes have been unacceptable since 1990.
  • Alien Jones is still available for Ask the Alien.  Come to think of it, he might have one or two questions rolling around to get to.  Feel free to ask him yours and if he approves he’ll plug your book/blog.
  • Why do people eat pudding?  It has all the calories but none of the awesomeness of other desserts.  You might as well have had ice cream.  Eating pudding for dessert instead of the ice cream in your fridge is like taking your cousin on a date when Charlize Theron really wanted to go with you.
  • Sometimes I want to tape fallen leaves back onto trees.  It seems like a waste and also a shame the trees are left naked.
  • I just invented a time machine.  I used it to travel to ten seconds ago to get myself to change the subject and hey look!  A hippopotamus in a pink tutu!
  • Do you think that because I went back in time and changed the above random musing, that there will be disastrous effects on the world?  They say the smallest tinkering with the past can change the future in terrible ways.  Still, I can’t help but think that my life would be better now if I go back in time and tell myself to stop picking my nose so much.  It would have prevented my deviated septum, the various brain restorative surgeries, and also I might have gotten more chicks.  Then again, I might not have met Video Game Rack Fighter.  Oh well.  I guess I’ll stay a nose picker.

 

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Mar 06 2015
7 Comments
funny

Additional Scenarios that Will Not Prevent Me From My One Post a Day Challenge

I continue to interview myself about how I would finagle my way out of hypothetical situations in order to my comply with my promise to my 3.5 readers to post once a day for the year of 2015.

QUESTION:  Highlanders.

ANSWER:  Give me a break.  You’re not even trying.

QUESTION:  What?  They are immortal.  Inside them flows the blood of kings.

ANSWER:  Everyone knows that a Highlander’s weakness lies within its head.  I’d just behead any and all Highlanders standing between me and my computer and post away.  Honestly, if you’re going to come at me with this crap, at least bring your A game.

QUESTION:  A billion dollars to stop posting.

ANSWER:  That’s tricky.  I would like to have a billion dollars.

QUESTION:  Ha!  See?

ANSWER:  No.  I’d refuse.  I care too much about the respect of my 3.5 readers.

QUESTION:  You are wrapped up like a mummy, but with duct tape, instead of bandages, and left for dead in the middle of the Mojave Desert.

ANSWER:  I have various mental powers:  telepathy, telekinesis, I can read minds, and project my thoughts into the brains of others.  I can also use these powers to control animals.  I would command a pack of wild armadillos to pick me up and bring me to the nearest watering hole, recruit a citizen to assist me in breaking my duct tape bonds, and then  I will then commandeer said citizen’s vehicle under a claim of “Official Book Blogger Business!”  I will then post upon reaching civilization.

QUESTION:  A tree falls on you, pinning you to the ground with its mighty weight.  Your computer is out of your grasp.

ANSWER:  I use telekinesis to lift the tree off of me.

QUESTION:  Your computer is stolen by a sasquatch.

ANSWER:  No problem.  To date, no sasquatch has crossed me and lived to tell the tale.

QUESTION:  Chuck Norris will fight you if you post again.

ANSWER:  He will lose.  I taught him everything he knows.

Tagged , , , ,
Mar 05 2015
6 Comments
Uncategorized

Random Thoughts 4

41)  For years I have wanted to check out The Human Centipede just based on the curiosity factor, but I feel doing so will warp and twist my soul.  Has anyone watched it and survived?

42)  Sometimes when I turn on the news and hear stories about people in third world countries fighting over extremist beliefs that belong in the dark ages, I just want to be all like, “Hey, third word people, you know we have magic pieces of glass over here that show you all the movies and games you want, right?”  Because, you know, you should all stop fighting and then we can sell you magic pieces of glass and then everyone will be happy and play Candy Crush.  No one wants to go to war if they have Candy Crush.

43)  I feel bad for pirates.  So much effort to swipe all that gold only to inevitably bury it.

44)  I have decided to run for the position of Official Comptroller for the Republic of Barbados.  I have nothing wittier to say on the subject.

45)  Why does Hollywood put crappy movies out in January and February?  Why can they just, alternatively, not make crappy movies?

46)  Is the Burger King a wise and just leader, or a cruel tyrant who presides over the burgers with an iron fist?

47)  12.  Scientists have definitely proven that a man must walk down 12 roads before he can call himself a man.  “The answer was just blowing in the wind, my friends,”  remarked one scientist.

48)  I don’t understand why people sky dive.

49)  Knock Knock.  Who’s there?  Life.  Answer it.

50)  Does Kenny G like listening to his own music in the elevator?

Tagged , , , ,
Feb 10 2015
2 Comments
Not About Books

Random Thoughts Part 3

21)  Did the dinosaurs talk?  I mean, like actually talk?  “Hello Mr. Brontosaurus, how are you?”  “Oh, I’m delightful Mr. Triceratops, thank you for asking.”  Scientists assume not but none of us were there.  I bet those scaly bastards talked all the time.

22)  Would Abraham Lincoln win an election today?  Or would everyone just be all like, “Great emancipator, my ass, look at that dude’s craggy ass face!”

23)  Have you ever asked Siri, “What does the fox say?”  You should try it.  Seriously, you should.

24)  Do ghosts really exist?  I hope not.  I mean sure, for the first couple years, you prank the people who move into your house.  Move their shit around while they aren’t looking and freak them out.  Break stuff.  Jump around while they’re sleeping and laugh when they jump up and try to convince themselves it was the house creeking before they go to bed.  But I have to say, that’s a pretty tedious way to spend an afterlife.  I hope ghosts get to quit that crap eventually.

25)  Few politicians of the 1960’s dared to speak out on the plight that was elderly criminals dressing up like monsters so as to manipulate real estate prices.  Scooby Doo and the good people at Hanna Barbera were the only citizens who dared bring this issue to the forefront.  And I say, god bless them.  Thanks to them, I don’t have to worry about my Grandpa dressing up like a Sasquatch to drive down the price of the local abandoned amusement park.

26)  If Star Fleet has the power to beam people anywhere in the Universe, why do they even need the Starship Enterprise?  Or the whole fleet for that matter?

27)  Speaking of, the next time you encounter a difficult situation at work, you should scratch your head and say, “Wow Boss, this is a real Kobayashi Maru!”   There is a 50% chance your boss will think you’re brilliantly citing some obscure business principle and a 50% chance your boss will think you are a stone cold crack smoker.  There’s pretty much no in between in that scenario.

28)  Am I the only one to notice that in Pulp Fiction, they make this big deal about Harvey Keitel’s character, “The Wolf,” that he’s some kind of mastermind fixer and an expert at turning around bad situations, but all he does is tell Travolta and Jackson to spray some household cleaner in the back seat and clean up all the brains?  I mean, I’m not a criminal hitman, but I feel like I could have figure out “get the paper towels and the windex” on my own.

29)  I want a helper monkey.  There’s nothing wrong with me.  I’m just lazy.  He could fetch me snacks, change the channel on my TV when I lose my remote, and write this blog.  Hell, he could probably do a better job.

30)  Sometimes I worry that people are so easily offended by the silliest things that it is really going to take a toll on the future of comedy.  I predict by the year 2100, Saturday Night Live will consist of nothing but Knock-Knock Jokes and jokes about ducks walking into bars.  Thank God I’ll be dead by then and won’t see it.  Or if they keep me alive through robotics then remind me to reblog this when I’m right.

Tagged , , , , , ,
Feb 06 2015
Leave a comment
Uncategorized

Random Thoughts Part 2

Yes, noble readers, while most of you think normal thoughts, like, “I think I’d like to put some grape jelly on my toast today,” I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, am cursed to consider more bizarre machinations, such as:

11)  Is it racist that Webster called his adopted mother, “Ma’am?”

12)  Was The Facts of Life a 1980’s version of Little Women that left Louisa May Alcott rolling in her grave?

I lie awake at night thinking about this stuff.  I really do.  Stuff like:

13)  Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?  And is whoever put the ram in the rama lama ding dong still at large?

:::pounds my fist on the interrogation table and shines the hot light on the suspect:::  “TELL ME!  TELL ME RIGHT NOW WHAT I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE BOMP OR I’M GOING TO WALK TO THE NEXT ROOM AND MAKE A DEAL WITH YOUR BUDDY, THE DING DONG!””

14)  Are timelines real?  With every choice you make, no matter how big or small, do you make an infinite number of timelines, reflective of the outcomes of the various choices you could have made?  If so, is there another me who actually puts book reviews on his book blog?

15)  What is the meaning of life?  Does it involve cheese?

16)  In the highly-evolved world of Star Wars, why would anyone use a lightsaber, when laser pistols are so readily available?  In our own less modern world, we stopped using swords once we developed bullets.  In a world where laser guns are available, are people really going to use swords made out of light just because they look badass?

Yes.  Yes they are.

17)  Why don’t I sponsor one of those third world children they keep showing me on TV?  They tell me I could change those kids’ lives for forty cents a day.  I can spare forty cents a day.  It’s not that I don’t have forty cents, it’s just that I’m too damn lazy to fill out the form, go to the website, make the call, or do whatever you have to do to sponsor one of these kids?

Sigh.  Somewhere in a country ruled by a man with a tall hat and a uniform filled with self-awarded medals, there is a hungry kid whose malaria could be cured if I’d just get out of my own way long enough to figure out how to send it to him.

18)  If I were to strap myself to a catapult, shoot myself through the stratosphere, into the cosmos, to the edge of the universe to the point where it all just loops around and I complete a perfect 360 degree journey back to where I started – would I be able to pick up right where I left off, or would there be another me there to contend with?

19)  Why must we grow old?  Why must we get ill and sick before we pass on?  Why can’t we just stay youthful until we’re a hundred and then just fall asleep under a cherry tree?

20)  A man begins a journey in Texas.  He takes a plane to India, and said plane travels at a rate of 80 miles per hour.  A woman begins her journey in Moscow, where she takes a train to Norway, said train traveling at a rate of 72 miles per hour.  Given that the wind speed variables have been taken into consideration, that the Earth is in perfect alignment with Mars, and that neither party has a considerable advantage over the other…what will they eat for dinner?

Tagged , , , , , , , ,
Feb 04 2015
3 Comments
Not About Books

Random Thoughts…

…that plague the mind of Bookshelf Q. Battler, in no particular order:

1)  Why does Elsa view her magic freeze powers as a curse?  Why does she not use them to control the world and rule her subjects with an icey fist?

2)  Why do they put braille on restroom door signs?  Do blind men rub their hands all over the walls of public buildings, find a braille door sign, go, “Whoops! That’s the ladies room!” and then feel their way around again to the men’s room?  And would it matter if he went into the wrong room?  Because, you know, he’s blind, so it’s not like he’s going to see anything.

Yes, noble readers, who have followed me on my year long quest to post once a day, these are the thoughts that fill the deep recesses of my mind.  Trivial, absurd, ridiculous minutiae that few bother to even consider.

Thoughts like:

3)  Why do aliens only abduct people from the South?  And why do aliens abduct humans at all anymore?  One would think at some point, their skilled alien scientists would reach a limit as to what can be learned from probe related experiments.  I dare say, somewhere in outer space, an alien scientist has published an article entitled, “Stop Probing the Humans, We Figured Them All Out” and yet, it’s being ignored, because he only posted it on alien wordpress.

4)  If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?  Yes –  KKKKKRRRRRRRRRACCCCCK BOOOOOOM!

5) Why does Hollywood ugly up good looking people so they can play ugly people?  They did it to Charlize Theron in Monster and Christian Bale in American Hustle.  Somewhere, there is an overweight man with a combover who would have been perfect to played the lead role in American Hustle.  The poor guy probably ignored advice from countless friends and family members – “No!  Don’t move to Hollywood and try to be an actor!  There will never be a part for a fat man with a combover!”  And finally, finally!  There’s a part for a fat man with a combover and what do they do?  They take a handsome man, stuff his shirt with a pillow, and give him a fake combover wig.

Damn you, beautiful people!  Don’t you already have enough?  Why must you steal parts from the ugly?

6)  If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.  If you teach a man to fish, he will eat for a lifetime.  If you take a man to Crazy Larry’s All-You-Can-Eat Discount Fish Nugget Bar, he will get food poisoning.

7)  How was it possible for the A-Team to evade justice for so many years?  How was the government not able to find a team that included the handsomest man in the world, an old man who smoked a giant stogie everywhere he went, a lunatic who inevitably broke out into loud and boisterous songs, and an enormous bodybuilder who was dripping with solid gold chains?

8)  Was Stonehenge an ancient druid singles bar?

9) Is the Yeti little more than Big Foot’s Arctic cousin?

10)  When Santa delivers a kid an X-Box, does he have to pay Bill Gates a royalty?

Join me tomorrow, I was will bring you more…RANDOM THOUGHTS.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,